Friday, January 1, 2021

Train Conductor Uses Masterful Investigative Skills


This train conductor clearly chose the wrong profession. The dude has a knack for investigating. That passenger doesn't even know what hit him. 

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez Witnessed the most amazing thing on the train to Edinburgh yesterday. A guy boarded in Wigan & sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour. When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it & went back to sleep. (This isn't a maths test, you don't need to know the distance/ speed). 12:45 · 11/01/2020 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Replying to @comedylopez Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy. "Can I see your ticket, please?" "Oh, I need to buy a ticket" "Where you going, pal?" The guy glances at his phone. "Edinburgh" "Where did you get on?" 2711 383 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h I can see the cogs working in this guy's head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was. "Carlisle" The train guard sits down next to hi

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy is wondering if the guard saw him earlier. He decides to go for it. Poker face time. I feel like l'm watching Pacino & De Niro face off in 'Heat! Q1 2711 524

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "I got on in Carlisle" The train guard furrows his brow, puts his ticket machine down and picks up a receipt from the table in front of the guy. "This train stopped in Carlisle 10 minutes ago, but this receipt was issued over an hour ago." 91 2712 467

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Face - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h RED TABLE TALK EA/OO0000W! GIF 275 403

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Holy shit! Train Guard has evidence. Wasn't this supposed to be made available to the defence team? I can see the beads of sweat forming on the guy's forehead. "That's not mine" (Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the evidence the prosecution have is circumstantial) 279 545 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h ATPTENNIS TV YORKU ola UNIVERSLTE UNIVERSTTS S.com GIF 91 277 332

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "This receipt is for a sandwich, you've got crumbs all over you." He does, too! The train guard is Sherlock Holming the crap out of this. The guy might has well have had mayo on his face. What a plum! one GIF LOCKSPEARE 27 18 831

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h "That's not mine. I had a sandwich in Carlisle" Damn. He's denying everything. Is the train guard going to inspect the sandwich packaging? "Carlisle to Edinburgh, that's £27. Cash or card?" 91 2712 421 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h He's... he's got away with it. Gutted. Really thought the train guard had him. The guy pulls out his wallet & slides over his debit card. There's a definite air of smugness, he put the card on the table like it was a platinum cre

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Oh well, I guess he's evaded justice this time. GIF Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown. 277 356 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Wait... The train guard is looking at the card very closely. The guy appears confused. 277 384

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Maintaining eye contact with the perp, the train guard puts the card down next to the receipt. "This is the same card used to buy the sandwich, sir." The guy's eyes are darting back and forth from the guard to the card. "No.... what?" O 1,006 27 20 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h GIF O 442 276

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "The last four digits are printed on the receipt" 278 486 2 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Sweet Falk! He's got him! GIF 27 12 876

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy's shoulders slump. No response. Completely dumbfounded. "... and I'm sure if I checked the camera footage we'd see you getting on earlier and buying that sandwich". 279 2 511 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "I fell asleep. I was a bit spaced out" "No problem, sir. Where did you get on" "Wigan" "That'll be £71, please, sir" 27 16 936

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Sky - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h GIF 277 588 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy didn't sleep again after that. He spent the rest of the journey staring down at that receipt. I mean, the real crime here is the price of rail travel but, wow. What a trip. O 28 2767 2,950

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Guy Goes To Sleep, Girlfriend Has Meltdown


Yikes everywhere. This guy was just trying to catch some zzz's when the next thing he knew he woke up to a complete meltdown from his girlfriend. She calls him a hurtful liar and proceeds to inform him that he's blocked on everything. Um. The dude was just trying to sleep. Sounds like he really dodged a bullet on this one, and the sooner that relationship is a thing of a past, the better!

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Text - r/relationship_advice + JOIN u/ThrowRaRedditor • 11d My (20F) girlfriend blocked me (20M) on everything because i said i was going to sleep early Relationships I am currently in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 1 year and i have known

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Text - her for 5 and i have not gotten the chance to see her in some months because of school, since then we've missed each other a lot and we talk on the phone everyday. i try to talk to her as much as i can despite the fact i work 30 hours out of the week and go to school full time. while sometimes we argue and she sometimes will block me on whatsapp and IG , there have been times where she has been as mad as she is currently, but we usually always make up.

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Text - so yesterday, she was having an extremely rough day and she is the kind of person when she is mad or stressed over something she does not like to talk to me , and when she does talk to me she sometimes will be passive aggressive over something. when i found out what was stressing her out this morning she sent me a text saying "i'm not mad at you, but please don't talk to me today , please for once respect the fact i need space" so i didn't. After i came back from work she texted me while

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Text - for a bit and then she called me . after a short conversation i said "i'm probably going to sleep a little early tonight because i have to get up super early tomorrow, after i said that her demeanor changed...she said "well if your just gonna sleep, ill talk to you later" and she hung up , i tried to call her back but she then stated she was upset because i was trying to shut her down and that all she wanted to do was talk, and i told her i wasn't saying i want to cut the conversation, i

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Text - me on read. after that i fell asleep and i wake up to a text reading something like this. "your a liar i call and 2 min into the conversation you immediately want to shut it down. i cant count on you for anything. don't try contacting me again. im tired of being there for people who wont be there for me. your a selfish person. im done with you, go find someone who does what i

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Text - do for you because im done with you. i cant love someone who doesn't care about me. i don't care if you offer to help out all i wanted was to talk to you. the min i need you, your not there . leave me alone, move on because i sure will, im blocking you so don't contact me again. goodbye" now, i know while most will see this and say its over, this isn't the first time i have received a text much like this one, but every time it happens i still feel like shit and i just want to show her im

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Text - sorry and figure out some way to fix this. she has always been more of the type of person that if she feels hurt she will try to say something to hurt me back. in the past i would just go see her and it would work out or i would just give her some space and she would then slowly forgive me, but now im unsure if that will work. what do i

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Text - do? what CAN i do if she blocked me on everything? i love this girl to death and i want to marry her but im unsure of how to handle this Edit 1: Wow..I'm honestly baffled by the amount of traction this post received, hearing all your stories has made me feel loved. I'll try to get to everyone's pm and messages but wow. Honestly yall, I feel for once in a long time l'm NOT alone. Bless all of you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart . And for the one person who asked if I was Asian.

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Text - LordChuckleFuck • 11d S 12 Awards Take her advice and don't contact her again.

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Text - FormalNoodle • 11d O 8 3 4 Awards OP, your girlfriend sounds extremely toxic and that kind of behavior falls under gaslighting. I suggest just leaving it be, and if she wants to talk to you again she will unblock you - and if she does, you need to have a serious conversation about open communication, being an adult when it comes to any type of “fight". There isn't an excuse for that type of behavior coming from anyone, it's just childish.

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Text - karlaREDDIT • 11d Unhealthy. This is your chance.

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Text - Viviaana • 11d Count it as a win, she sounds toxic af and clearly she's trying her hardest to hurt you, why would you want to try and fix that? I know it's rough but she's made her choice and you'll be so much better off without dickheads who call you selfish because they want you to be their therapist

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Text - WitnessMeToValhalla • 11d She did you a favor OP. She's too immature for a real relationship. Block her back

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A Bundle of Beautiful Stupid Puns


Sometimes we can't tell if we love or hate puns. Depending on who you ask, they're either created by geniuses or monsters, but they can definitely be overwhelming, like this sign's pun game that is too strong. Sometimes you just need some puns to satisfy those wordplay cravings.

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Dog - TRIED TO CATCHFOG YESTERDAY. PLS NO. EATLIVER.COM MIST

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Photo caption - I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire Was it arson? @PunHubOnline Yes, your son CE Pun hub

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Organism - The Human Nervous System JUICE @Thatbulljuice He looks a little... nervous

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Text - Jake 12m - 6 kilometers donate my blood? yeah right, and have my blood swimming around in some other guy's boner? nice try, buddy. 1 like Like Comment A bipolarkirkland no hemo youre-hardtohold that was the best joke i've heard all month

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Text - Catstrey @CatstreyDave To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking. 6:22 PM - 1/1/20 Twitter for Android 16.8K Retweets 64.3K Likes

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Action figure - RESISTHOR INDUCTHOR CAPACITHOR TRANSISTHOR

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Nature reserve - FROG PARKING ONLY ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD!

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Text - Karen YOU MATCHED WITH KAREN ON 12/31/18 You're so cute it's sKaren me . Yesterday 2:48 AM Huh Today 8:59 PM I tried to make a pun out of your name but I guess you didn't Karenough to notice Sent Today 9:51 PM What

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Text - Sam didn't want to sing SAMSUNG but

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

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Text - earendil-was-a-mariner Gandalf doesn't say that Shadowfax is the best or fastest, he says that he is the "lord of all horses" and I quite frankly want more information about the responsibilities and powers that come with that position. howler32557038 I would assume it behooves him to create a more stable economy for all horses by reigning in unnecessary spending. It must be a huge responsibility to be saddled with, but I'm sure he always meets it with unbridled enthusiasm. He's probably c

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her. I said maybe 6:50 AM - Sep 25, 2017 Twitter for iPhone

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Product - Where did her Lego? Unike Reply 841 2 hours ago

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Duck - BEWARE OF THE CROCS

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Text - I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won't understand. Post it anyway, most people are smarter than you are think and will probably understand it.

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Internet meme - Was that a T-Rex that was just talking to you? Yeah he just sold me a few handguns What?? Why? He's my small arms dealer

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Stairs - THIS SHIT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL

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Bird feeder - WELL ON THAT NOTE

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Window - Apparently Mac supports Windows now. This joke panes me.

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Text - Tom Bellingham @TommyWTF1 *Star Wars characters seeing themselves in 4K for the first time* Han Solo: "Wow, I'm in HD!" Yoda: HDMI2 Screen M D

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Text - I am doing some small renovations in my bedroom, and just found this hidden in the ceiling 56 12 Share BEST COMMENTS meowroarhiss • 5h Moewron • 4h sabre this moment. 1 11 + Reply

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Photo caption - Why did you bring two pairs of socks? In case I get a hole in one aPunHubonie

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Text - THE MOLAR BEAR FIGHTING AGAINST ENAMEL CRUELTY

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Rock - I inally found it... rock bottom.

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Water - FREE CHICKEN STRIPS pleatedeans

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Roof - oh no qasimple @QasimMiah What the hellman

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Knight - It's extra sharp how are you going to fight me with a block of cheese? рок

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Manager Tries to Fire Guy for Following The Rules, It Backfires


We've seen our share of stupid managers and incompetent owners, and things never seem to change. This guy had the misfortune of having his job bought out by a bigger company, but knowing the rules, he managed to outlast his crappy manager.

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Text - r/MaliciousCompliance - Posted by u/PunkThug 6 days ago There was an attempt to fire me for malicious compliance. oc L Long-time lurker first time poster. Apologize for being on mobile, it's a very long story, and TL;DR at the bottom So, in 2012, I found myself working as a over night maintenance laborer for a family owned collection of properties. Two shopping complex, a winery, a few warehouses, ect. But most of the time, I was working keeping a grocery store built in the late 60s funct

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Text - I was getting the kind of education you can't buy; hands on electrical one night, plumbing the next, welding after that. All taught to me by 3 men that could build a house, up to code, single-handedly. And we all got along great! It was the first time in my adult life I had real responsibilities and I was respecting myself because I respected the job I was doing. The owners were all people that truly cared about their employees and they proved this when, in 2017, they sold the Main grocer

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Text - the company that bought us (I won't say their name but think the opposite of "dangerous path") does not employ an in-house maintenance team. Something breaks, they outsource the fixing of it. So they really didn't have a ready-made place for me to fit into like the other department managers. The store manager also did not like that I was making $18 an hour, 6 bucks over a new hire rate. Thus began the systematic (what I saw as) harassment and what has been later confirmed to me as standar

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Text - Making my 35 year old ass a bag boy. (Jokes on you; I love doing easy work for good money) • Writing me up for spending 20 minutes talking to the police about an accident I had seen while returning carts (I thoroughly enjoyed the district manager apologizing to me for that) Cutting my hours down from full-time to 24 hours a week ( which is completely allowable, but as the second most senior member in the store, everyone below me has to get their hours cut first). • No, you can't force me

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Text - And on and on and on, in addition to the many broken verbal promises and out-and-out lies. I became very well-versed on the union rules, my specific contract rules, and how to protect myself. 7 Union arbitrations in my first 5 months, all ended in my favor. Meanwhile, the assistant managers love me. I can cover any department because I've done most everything and I'm a quick learner for what I don't know. Anything breaks down in the store (it was falling apart before they bought it) if I

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Text - Which at long last brings me to my malicious compliance. The store was not doing well, sales wise. About a year-and-a-half in, they couldn't get a closing butcher. So, the night manager taps me to work in the meat department for 3 hours every night just to close it out and clean it up. In the department there is a bandsaw that's used for cutting meat with bones in it. It's a pain in the ass to clean, so after reading the department manual I realized you were not to use that piece of equip

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Text - Now I 100% had been trained on that bone saw. I knew how to take it apart, fix it and put it back together. But that training was with the old company and I had been informed many times that the new company only thought I'd been trained when they had trained me. Perfect! I can close down the bone saw earlier and get it cleaned. If any customer needs me to cut meat with a bone in it, I inform them that I hadn't been trained on that piece of equipment. Shouldn't be an issue: This is late ni

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Text - This goes on for months until finally I'm called in to the manager's office during the day. Turns out one of the customers I had informed that I could not use the bone saw was a secret shopper. The store manager is writing me up for failure to complete my duties. She's also writing it up as 'malicious' failure (I forget the term they use; it's basically two write ups instead of just one) and that coupled up with my previous write up (I was 15 minutes late once; thats on me) gives her the

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Text - While talking to my union rep it quickly becomes clear that the butchers are a completely different Union. The store is in violation of the butchers Union contract by having a non-union employee work that department. So first my union fights the write-up , wins and gets me paid for the four/five days I missed of work. They then get me a lawyer who tells me I am not to speak with any store manager in any capacity, due to The butchers Union complaint against the store. 2 weeks off, fully pa

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Text - I then get two more days off paid while I speak to the various Union reps for my testimony. the store is fined ($50,000 is what I was told) for breach of Butchers contract. When I return to work, my store manager does not work there anymore. Her replacement only accepts the job if his bonuses are not tied to the store's overall performance, so he doesn't mind I'm overpaid. As icing on the cake, no one really liked her so I'm damn near a hero when I get back O TL;DR: After the store manage

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Tagged: unions , rules , boss , manager , job , butcher , nice , story , store , win

Ways People Rebelled Against Unfair School Rules


School is typically your first opportunity in life to be done dirty by an uncaring monolith with corrupt administration, so it's no wonder it can be a place of rebellion. People remember when teachers are unfair, and come up with some clever ways to flout the rules.

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Text - PM2503 5.9k points · 21 hours ago The canteen stopped selling sachets of red sauce due to the mess some kids were making. My friend carried a huge bottle of red sauce in his bag for at least a month and provided illegal red sauce for the cost of 5p per squirt. made a fortune.

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Text - BagsOfCowSnot 31.3k points · 20 hours ago 3 Back in the 1980's there was one kid in my school was hardcore into the punk scene. Had a bright blue, 6" high, razor thin, stand-up-straight mohawk. The principal gave him detention for being a distraction, etc. and his parting words that day were "And tomorrow.no more blue mohawk!" The next day the kid came in with the same mohawk, only bright pink.

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Text - 6lesbianlover9 29.6k points · 21 hours ago 02 No hats in school. In high school junior year, There was this one kid in my grade that was allowed to due to him having Alopecia Universalis, which is basically having rapid baldness. A new teacher wasn't aware that he was allowed to and asked him to take it off. The kid explained why he was able to, but the sub didn't believe him, forced him to take it off, and was being very cruel to him for wearing the hat/his lack of hair. The next day, ev

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Text - banjolier 26.8k points · 19 hours ago O Senior year, my school banned jackets. A friend was cold, wore his jacket to lunch, and the VP told him to take it off. Friend pulls out the student handbook and asked where it said he couldn't wear it. VP flips for a while and ends up showing him the, "...or anything the adminstration seems disruptive," clause. Friend rolls his eyes but takes off his coat. The next day, friend comes in with the same tweed sport coat the VP wore every day.

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Text - Link-to-the-Pastiche 24.3k points · 22 hours ago · edited 18 hours ago I was at a private school that had rules about the length of boys hair. One guy in particular always ignored the rule and the administration would tell him to get a hair cut every so often, but he never did. Eventually when his hair got about down to his shoulders the principal pulled him aside and told him his hair was twice the allowed length and by next week it needed to be shortened by half. Monday rolls around and

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Text - biggins9227 23.1k points · 22 hours ago After 9/11 my school made a rule where we had to wear our school ids. They went overboard quick handing out detention to anyone who didn't wear one. One kid had his ID blown up and put on a shirt. On the back it said "yes I'm wearing my f*cking ID". He got detention for not wearing it with the shirt.

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Text - the-bryman 21.2k points · 20 hours ago · edited 16 Last day of senior year, we started a food fight at lunch. And by food fight, I mean we drew angry faces on an orange and an apple, then faced them toward each other, made a big circle around them, and we all reacted like we were watching a fight. All the security guards ran to break up the fight, only to make their way to the middle of the circle to find two pieces of fruit sitting on the ground.

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Text - Parallel37 5.0k points · 22 hours ago Our school collectively hijacked an assembly by singing along to Journey's don't stop believing after the teachers forgot to turn off autoplay on Youtube.

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Text - SavageSquanto 3.1k points · 20 hours ago S There was a presentation on vaping last year by some poor woman from an advocacy group or something. After every sentence, or whenever she paused, the whole assembly (all 300 kids in my grade) would give a massive standing ovation. We weren't stopped until we had done it like 15 times

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Text - dirtybirds233 13.4k points · 22 hours ago Friend was told in high school by his guidance counselor not to waste his time applying to his dream school because he wouldn't get in. He got pissed off and went to the principal, who told him it was the counselor's job to give her best opinion, so he trusts whatever she says. He applied anyways, and got in. He took the acceptance letter, made a copy, and taped them to both the principal and counselor's door with "thanks for nothing!" written on

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Text - ThadisJones 13.1k points · 21 hours ago · edited 13 hours ago We had an awful Spanish teacher in middle school who collectively punished the class by making us write the same sentence a hundred times over in detention. On one of these occasions my friend and I asked her if we could type our detention in the computer lab (this was when computers in schools were a New Thing) so we could improve our "typing speed", and she said yes. Anyway we didn't do much typing but did learn how to write

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Text - Text - AnEnigma1 12.5k points · 21 hours ago When I was in high school, there was a rule implemented that if you showed up late to school, you had to go to the front office to get a detention slip. You would then have to give it to the teacher for that period, who would then mark it down, and you were required to go to lunch detention for that day. I figured out by the third slip that literally no one cared: teachers, security, or students. So when I was subsequently late for the rest of

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Text - mercyphoenix 12.3k points · 21 hours ago · edited 17 hours ago When I was in grade 7, our last class of the day, students would always bring in snacks. Our lunch shift was way too early in the day, so by the end of the school day we'd all be feeling hungry. And we were all told by our teacher that if we didn't have enough to share we couldn't eat in the classroom. One day, almost all of us brought in enough food to share, even with the students that didn't bring anything in. We even synch

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Text - mama_o000 11.5k points · 22 hours ago guy was wearing shoes against the uniform policy and was ask to put on shoes from lost property, he went around school barefoot all day.

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Text - backafterdeleting 11.4k points · 20 hours ago · edite We had a french teacher who was really bad and most people barely tolerated. It happened a few times that whoever arrived first would stand outside her door as if waiting for her to show up and unlock it, and the rest of the class would just queue up behind them pretending to believe them. Meanwhile the teacher would just be sitting inside wondering where her class was.

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Text - Acceptable-Living 10.7k points · 23 hours ago Last year our school fetched in a ban on backpacks and bags in general since they were apparently a "safety hazard" two days later some guy in my yeargroup comes in carrying his books and pencil case in a microwave. Dude made national news

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Text - ToastedMaple 10.3k points · 22 hours ago A kid was passing notes, and the teacher caught him and insisted he had to give the note so she could read it outloud. He ate the note.

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Text - Mostlyaverageish 9.8k points · 22 hours ago One of my class mates got sent to the office for wearing "gang" colors. Because he has a red marine corp bandana tied to his back pack. The rest of the year he wore a pin stripe suite with vest and carried a fedora.

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Text - Beakerguy 9.2k points · 20 hours ago My daughters both went to a Catholic high school. My younger one had a bit of a wild streak. The girls were required to wear a skirt every day to school. My daughter did not care for this rule and wore her skirt around her head one day since the dress code required the students to wear a skirt, just not where. I was told that she was wearing spandex underneath. That's how my daughter got a new rule in her high school dress code.

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Text - PanickedPoodle 8.2k points · 22 hours ago My high school was always issuing new dress code rules for the girls. Mini skirts had to be longer than your arm, no tube tops, etc. One day, all the boys dressed in drag, breaking all the rules. No violation because the dress code specified only girls.

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Text - mg0019 8.1k points · 20 hours ago Elementary school had a ban on extreme hair colors. My brother shows up with firetruck red hair. Principle stops us both as we're entering the school and she's going off on my brother. She's berating him, saying "who do you know that has red hair like that?" Without skipping a beat, "Ronald McDonald." Principle just grabbed him drug him into the office. My 4th grade brain was in shock that he just one upped a grown up like that. She called my dad and he p

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Text - the_real_Phoenix 7.9k points · 22 hours ago Okay so we need to have clear backpacks, right? This kid puts quite the vulgar image depicting the counselor on one of his notebooks and packs it against the edges of the pack.

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Text - Slappy_Hamster 7.3k points · 20 hours ago 3 In my private school boys were required to wear a collared shirt. It really wasn't enforced, until one day it was. I was wearing a sweater without a collared shirt underneath and I had to go back to the dorm and change. I argued that I didn't look ratty or underdressed at all, but they said rules were rules. The next day I wore a white T-Shirt with a collar (cut off from one of my older shirts) stapled to it. It looked terrible, but rules are ru

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Text - Text - ObedientProle 7.2k points · 21 hours ago S This was prior to smartphones circa 2002. One of my classmates was a regular class clown. He would buy brownies in the cafeteria and roll them up in his hand so they looked like a convincing piece of poo. He would then do all sorts of antics with this poo. Put it on seats throw it at people what have you. Obviously the school staff caught on and he got in trouble. This guy didn't go quietly though. He was required to sit alone at lunch for

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Text - ElGuapo22 7.1k points · 20 hours ago I went to a Catholic grade school growing up that had a strict boys hair length policy. It couldn't touch the collar of your shirt and I wanted long hair. So the principal came in one day to talk to the class, when she was leaving the room she called me out for my long hair in front of my classmates. My response was to point to the cross hanging above the door and said "Jesus had long hair." She didn't know what to say right away and seemed embarrassed

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