Saturday, July 20, 2019

Badass Dad Takes Final Stand Against Big Business Takeover (17 Tweets)


dad joke about amusement park manipulation

This is an actual rollercoaster ride. What better way to honor your dad than to tell one badass story about his final stand against a big business takeover. All would've worked out just fine if it weren't for those damn meddling kids. 

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Girlfriend Says She's Unroastable, Gets Toasted By A Blazing Inferno Of Roasts


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When this guy's girlfriend allegedly suggested that she was "unroastable" he put it to the test. Let's just say that the roastmasters of Reddit were more than ready for the challenge. The comments section is a blazing inferno of brutal verbal assaults. Zero punches were pulled in these roasts. 

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Morning Show Host Attempts To Shame Bill Burr For Talking About Atrocities Of Catholic Church


"Some people thought you were being disrespectful" And then she proceeds to tell Bill Burr to "Google it." Well that got him going on an absolutely savage tear. 

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30 Wedding Tweets and Memes to Get You Exhausted for Wedding Season


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There's nothing quite like getting to see your friends get married. The person you've known for years has finally found someone they tolerate enough to spend the next (at least) few years of their life with. It's a good time. What's not a great time is being seated a crappy table with their estranged uber-religious cousins, waiting too long to buy a gift and having to buy them 80 dollar towels, and sweating through your only suit. Other than that though, good time. For funny tweets about what comes after, here are tweets about marriage that are too real.

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Writer Tweets Hilarious "Bot Written" John Wick Script


person tweeting john wick scripts written by a bot

Comedy writer @Keatonpatti tweeted a few pages of a John Wick movie supposedly written by a robot. We're not sure if there's a thousand hours of John Wick out there but what he's produced is on point, action packed, and amazing. He's also released these hilarious "bot written" Olive Garden and Diners Drive-Ins and Dives scripts. Technology is amazing.

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34 Completely Stupid Reasons Kids Had Meltdowns


kids throwing tantrums and laying on the ground for stupid reasons

You can tell a child all day that holding a cup of water upside down is a bad idea, but they're not gonna believe you until they screw it up for themselves. Sadly, toddlers learn every day that the world doesn't bend to their needs, and with learning comes earth-shattering tantrums. For more of these, here are snaps of kids having total meltdowns over mundane things.

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Guy's Co-Worker Enlightens Him That He Read NSFW Harry Potter Fan Fiction Instead Of Actual Book


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This guy found himself quite shook after realizing what he read was in fact not a Harry Potter novel named "The Order Of The Phoenix", but instead some erotic fan fiction. To make matters even more grand in terms of the fail in this story; he didn't realize he'd mistakenly read Harry Potter fan fiction until he was already in the middle of a conversation with co-workers about it. Yikes. But also, amazing. 

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Guy Gets Back at Terrible Stepdad By Having a Good Life


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Sometimes we get bogged down with the idea of "completely destroying" the people who have wronged you with some impressively satisfying act of nuclear revenge, but like they say "living well is the best revenge." This guy's petty move at the end there is a nice touch too.

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Academics Discuss The Made Up Jobs They Use When People Ask What They Do For Work


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Political scientist @alixabeth, asked Twitter users what methods they break out when trying to get around telling someone what they do for a living. The resulting answers were wildly creative, and might just end up helping bail you out of that next teeth-grinding situation of painful small talk. 

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Bridezilla Passive Aggressively Shouts Out "Few Friends Who Brought Gifts"


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This bride decided to ask the internet whether she was the asshole for calling her friends out for NOT bringing gifts/cards to her wedding reception. Her question's been met with a whole bunch of, "yes, you are in fact the asshole of this situation." The passive aggressive element definitely adds a layer of spiciness to this one too. 

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21 Pieces of Cool Graffiti That Reinvented Urban Environments


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Behold, what was once an obstructive pipe is now a saxophone! Here's public graffiti that either made a statement or just cleverly tried to make the best out of a less-than-pretty concrete landscape. For more art finding its way into everyday life, here are some brilliantly vandalized school textbooks.

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19 Embarrassed People Share The Strangest Thing They've Been Caught Doing


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At some point in your life, maybe even today, you're gonna be in a situation where you think to yourself "man, I hope no one sees this." If you play your cards right, no one will walk in on you playing with your collection of erotic vintage troll dolls. Sometimes people aren't so lucky with the embarrassing moments they want to keep to themselves.

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Dude Runs The Sad Math On The Chances Of Finding His Soulmate


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If you take the trouble to post a wholesome meme, you better ready yourself for the bored and outright mean spirited individuals to deconstruct the meme and make everyone feel bad about themselves. It was already an aggressive estimate for this dude to assume that only 1% of the people in the world find him unattractive. But what else should we do, but take his word for it...

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19 People's Dumbest Injuries That They Lied About to Save Face


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It's one thing to tell your boss you strained your back while lifting something heavy, but it's another to fully explain that you were trying to throw a bowling ball through a second story window "for the glory." Here are people whose injuries were so dumb they just couldn't tell people the truth. Here are more people sharing the dumbest injuries they've ever had.

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Uber Driver Maintains Max Chill With A Possessed Girl In His Backseat


Millennials take note. This girl deserves a friend of the year award. Not sure what she's on, but she looks like she's possessed by some kind of demonic forces. Props to the Uber driver for his heroic levels of patience. 

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