Sunday, April 26, 2020

Adult Life Equivalents Of Calling A Teacher "Mom"


Sometimes brains fart. Yes, sometimes we get caught up in the middle of a moment where our intentions don't align with the words falling out of our mouths. A severe form of miscommunication where things in the brain are misfiring, and we're just basically speaking a ton of nonsense. It's wonderful. At the very least, it'll inspire some laughter as people realize you had no idea what you were saying for a moment. 

1.

Text - [deleted] • 1y 3 6 Awards This happened to a coworker years and years ago. We were tellers at a local bank. Every Christmas we had tiny candy canes to give to the kids of customers. One guy came through with his. With his transactions he had cash back. Teller 1 was helping him. She proceeds to give him his cash in a 100 bill and the candy cane for his kid. He looks at her and says, "Can I have that broken up?" She then proceeds to bash the candy cane to a pulp with my stapler and gives it

2.

Text - Bennnnettttt • 1y Not me, but my mom. She was in a meeting and not paying attention for whatever reason. Then someone asked her a question and she responded with "What's that honey?". Made me crack up for so long.

3.

Text - [deleted] • 1y I've worked in restaurants since I was 16. When I bring someone to a table I say "enjoy." After any drink or plate of food I put down at a table I do the same. Well I guess it was just inevitable that when a man asked me where the washroom was and I directed him that I told him to "enjoy!"

4.

Text - ver03255 • 1y I once called an older female coworker "mom" because she kinda looks (and gives off a vibe) like my mom.

5.

Text - SaysShowUsYourDick • 1y I'm one of those "never save numbers in my phone" kinda guys. When I was in the Army, I was stationed somewhere with a different area code than mine, and got to talking to a local girl. Things were getting heated one night over text, so we were sending raunchy things back and forth. I wasn't paying attention for a moment and sent a message to the wrong person by mistake. My sergeant replied, "Alright, I'm not really into all that, but make sure you show up to forma

6.

Text - TurnAroundUrMyATeam • 1y I once saw a flustered young lawyer address a judge as "Oh Lord." He was a big church person and had kind of fallen into a prayer cadence as he nervously argued. Everyone pretended it had not happened.

7.

Text - ImemokidGtav • 1y 3 1 Award I work in a prison where I have occasionally have a inmate say" alright officer emokid have a good night drive home safe" hit him with the thanks you too... multiple life sentences. My first silver :) thanks ya

8.

Text - ally12321 • 1y 3 1 Award At Dollar Tree the other day my boyfriend walked up to the cashier and she said almost immediately "How was your meal?" and then "Oh! wrong job!"

9.

Text - KnivesForward • 1y 3 1 Award These days I rarely talk on the phone to anyone who isn't family so "love you, bye " is a standard phone call ending. We had some issues at our house last year and I'm pretty sure I told 2 contractors and the insurance adjuster I loved them.

10.

Text - dbrianmorgan • 1y Mixing up text messages between your wife and boss.

11.

Text - mssDMA • 1y 3 1 Award I'm a teacher. I unthinkingly scolded my dog the other day with, "Follow the directions!" We kinda just stared at each other for a second while I realized how ridiculous I sounded.

12.

Text - alison_bee • 1y 3 4 Awards I'm a dental hygienist. my patient was a man who had just turned 91 the day before. instead of saying "happy late birthday!" like a normal fucking human being, I accidentally (and very loudly) said "HAPPY LAST BIRTHDAY!!!!" the look on his face... y'all. this was also my second day at my new job.

13.

Text - MBH2013 • 1y I had a coworker who would jokingly call our chief "big daddy" behind his back. We were all working a little late one night and she let "hey big daddy!" slip as he walked in. To her credit she owned it and now calls him that in regular conversation. Still weird though.

14.

Text - parentaccount1143 • ly My old boss, and my husband's names were one letter apart. (I worked in a daycare, so the owner and all the staff often texted one another to update each other on kids, any issues parents had, and general questions.) My husband was working 3rd, and I was working 1st. We didn't get to see each other much, and most of our conversation was done via text. On my very first week, I was in a rush after getting into work, and texted my husband the same thing I always texted

15.

Text - nice_strada • 1y 3 1 Award Walking up to the wrong car and freaking out when you can't unlock it

16.

Text - SoapyRibnaut • 1y 3 1 Award I was given a lift home by a colleague from work once, and when he stopped to let me out of the car I leaned in for a kiss as it was what I would do to my wife. Thankfully he was looking the other way at the time.

17.

Text - Kutzelberg • 1y 3 2 Awards Once I was in the airport and I went to get a sandwich. I stood at the counter to tell the worker to give me a turkey sandwich, which he prepared. He handed it to me and his co-worker noticed he didn't microwave it, so he extended his hand to me over those glass container thingies,which have food displayed in them, so he can take it to microwave it. I didn't understand why he was extending his hand so I smiled and shook it. He laughed and pointed at my food and

18.

Text - CandacelsHungry • 1y 3 1 Award I alled my housekeeper Daddy instead of Darcy. It was an autocorrect mistake in a text but I didn't notice for 24 hours when I realized she never texted me back. I was absolutely mortified but she thought it was hilarious. When she texted me two weeks later her opening line was "who's your daddy?! 9" - | actually lost my mind in a meeting reading that. She's the sweetest older lady and now my nickname for her is Daddy.

19.

Text - bingobanggo • 1y 1 Award My boss is old enough to be my dad although his kids are younger than me. Sometimes he reminds me of my dad and I have almost told him "oh okay Chip (my Dad's name)" in a sarcastic I don't agree with you tone. Once when we were having a we don't agree about something conversation that had to do with our other leader he slipped and called me his daughters name while giving me advice. He wasn't telling me I had to do what he was saying but was sharing why he thought

20.

Text - Oocanada • 1y 1 Award Handed a 20 to the officer instead of my license last night.

21.

Text - hollymir • 1y 3 1 Award When talking with family we always end our calls with " love you." So l'm on a call with my long time assistant and as the call ends without thinking I say "I lo..." and stop horrified as I couldn't think of how to finish it. Thank God she had a sense of humor. She said, " Aww, come on now, you can say it, go ahead, tell me you love me. So I did and we laughed about for years. п

22.

Text - gazzaskebab • 1y S 2 Awards I have accidentally said "love you" when hanging up on a work call.

23.

Text - amoutoujou • 1y My husband has mixed up my and his sister's name more than once. Also, calling your kids the pet's name.

24.

Text - HHS2019 • 1y Easy: Calling your boss "daddy".

25.

Text - ilovejackiebot • ly 3 1 Award On the way back from a client meeting with one of the partners, he wasn't paying attention when the light turned green and I said "Hey, babe, you gotta go." And then I died.

26.

Text - sofia6664 • 1y 3 1 Award My friend was on a toilet, someone knocked and she said: , Come in!"

27.

Text - Charleroy26 • 1y Calling your wife "Mom" is pretty bad. I did that once almost 20 years ago and the cringe hasn't lessened over time.

28.

Text - [deleted] • 1y 1 Award Does putting vegies in the washing machine instead of the fridge count?

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Ingenious Insults Full Of Meanness


Good old rare insults take an outside the box approach to the banter game. The comments section always has a trick up its sleeve. With enough time and commitment put forth toward crushing someone's spirits, the perfect rare insult can pop up. This particular batch of rare insults definitely delivered. 

1.

Photo caption - Replies Tim Kunken:1 week ago 0:37 Are we just gonna forget this scene? Rats are unable to gag or throw up, so this dude's soup is so bad that it broke the rules of nature 939 E 11

2.

Text - Sam Yousufzai · 3 weeks ago Jake Paul, you don't know me but I've been in a wheelchair most of my life and today I finally stood up just to turn your music off. Ie 4.4K 1 205 VIEW 205 REPLIES 5.1k 51 Share f TOP COMMENTS ▼ -_No-one_-_ •1h•That guy probably got more likes than th.. Altar_Falter • RageFace Against the Machine • 2h • Oh man ... bean_birthday_cake • INFECTED O· 2h Jake Paul is like a gas station bathroom. Hard to look at, but you go back just to make fun of it. Reply 29

3.

Audio equipment - CORONA if salami was a person it'd look like Joey Diaz IL 2.1K 11 O 19 19 replies

4.

Text - -1 CRIME WATCHE Fuji • 3 months ago (edited) At least his hair and eyebrows knew better than to come over It 19K 210 VIEW 210 REPLIES Sing Song • 1 week ago He looks like a confused thumb It 2.9K 37

5.

Leather - abizit gill • 10 months ago Triple H looks like a biker who's killed 3 people but sounds like an insurance agent

6.

Face - Scott M • 6 months ago You look like a torso coming out of a couch. 563 E 32

7.

Music - optimisticcosmic • 9 months ago Joey's mouth is below his shoulders. 769 E 24 ...

8.

Selfie - G• 18 hours ago The dude looks like he's in his mid 40's pretending to be in high schooler in a Hulu original series 1.6K VIEW 10 REPLIES

9.

Photo caption - M. Hrce EY. ICKE 192 OFFICIALLY TRIGGERED • 6 months ago Carson literally looks like cheddar cheese that decided to be human. 7.9K 1 目34 34 replies

10.

Text - Kayla Ancrum @KaylaAncrum The hardest I've ever been owned in my life was when I was 21 in Barnes & Noble and a teenager asked me where the manga section was. I told them but also said "I don't work here." They looked me dead in the eye and said "I know. You just looked like someone who would know."

11.

Food - deme @hotcheetoprncss · 2d why do british people still eat like they're in the 1800s and don't have electricity BBC Yorkshire O @BBCLookNorth Yorkshire, we have an important question. Christmas cake, with or without cheese? Show this thread 1,001 17 37.5K 187K Rebecca Travis @papimorte Replying to @hotcheetoprncss Why do Americans eat like they have free health care?

12.

Eyewear - Abdu Komilov • 1 week ago He looks if u take off his glasses his nose comes off with it

13.

Text - Ballin Kaepernick @TheCoolTeacher_ Y'all. I'm in class. Kids are working, talking and whatnot. I hear this: "You're like a plunger. Always bringing up old shit." THOLLERED.

14.

Photograph - @hassan Maisie Williams looks like a very young grandma #KIMMEL Kimmel

15.

Font - cool beans • 4 days ago His friend looks like a mannequin with the head on backwards 431 VIEW 6 REPLIES THEE

16.

Text - Dan Sheehan @ltsDanSheehan Baby Boomers did that thing where you leave a single square of toilet paper on the roll and pretend it's not your turn to change it but with a whole society

17.

Text - I spent $6K and over 40 hours building my 100% movie-accurate "Groot' costume and yet all the idiots in my office can't stop emailing about Shannon's dumbass toddler's bullshit 'Baby Groot' costume that honestly looks like a turd in a marshmallow.

18.

Face - COLDEUSION V Comments 15K HeliRy · 7 months ago Mark Zuckerberg's dead eyes, Steve Jobs' black turtle necks, voice of Megatron. Seems legit. 7.6K a 97

19.

Text - viking @notviking me in fourth grade: look under there friend: under where me: you fool. you absolute moron. you are such a monumental idiot that you don't even realize what you just said. i am a verbal magician and you, my friend, are a naive simpleton. your family line deserves to die with you

20.

Text - adhdheather to remember how many feet there are in a mile, u just gotta use 5 tomatoes five to-mate-oes sounds like five, two, eight, 0 and there's 5280 feet in a mile official-deutschland To remember how many meters there are in a kilometre you just remember "1000" because the system of measurement in the rest of the world wasn't invented by a drunk mathematician rolling dice.

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Clever and Literal Jokes That are Technically Right


When you don't know the actual answer to a question, it can be a saving grace to be a smart ass about it. Or it could backfire and make people think you're a moron. Either way, here are clever and dumb jokes that are technically correct. They might not be even close to factually accurate, but hey, at least they're technically accurate.

1.

Text - FLACU Fact @Fact A woman trying to commit suicide from the Eiffel Tower, landed on a car and later married the owner of the car. Bàbá ìbàdàn I @smish001 So... She fell in love?

2.

Text - Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

3.

Text - The Madison @madisoncentreLA What's your idea of a perfect date?!? Shafeeq @Y2SHAF DD/MM/YYYY other formats can be confusing

4.

Statue - Disinfecting Pericles who died from the plague in 429 B.C. thestonecuttersguild It's a little late now.

5.

Text - Anonymous | 45243472 >be me >22 yo >overweight beta loser >decide to fuck it all and get my life in control >get new clothes >go to the gym >work out harder than ever in my life >sweat dripping off me >can't feel my legs >a couple of chads walk by >hear one of them say to the other >"What a fat loser" 42,2 kB JPG >... >He's technically right >l am losing a lot of fat 3 REPLIES O IMAGES REPLY Anonymous 45243502 Nice keep going man

6.

Text - r/Showerthoughts Posted by u/Danvik03 · 4h Uranium has about 18 billion Calories per gram so eating a grams of uranium is technically enough food to last you for the rest of your life. 1 2,5k 114 Share BEST COMMENTS SquirrelSqueak • 4h That statement is technically correct in more than one way. Reply 1 842

7.

Text - leopharry I have decided on a new constellation. I call it The Bees. If you look up at the night sky and see all those sparkly dots, congratulations. You see The Bees. I have just made astrology 10000x easier, you're welcome. quiescens those born under the sign of the bees: have emotions think thoughts is likely introverted or extroverted has at least a few friends was born at some point

8.

Lingzhi mushroom - Beer Frozen, Burnt my food and Girl friend pregnant What Im pregnant t o CHILL YOU BURE? Im sure babe m so happy Night Cummer @Leribb_ You Just can't pull anything out in time. Can you?

9.

Text - You good? Yeah. Why? What's up? I thought I heard something loud drop That was my shirt Your shirt fell and made that noise? I was inside of it It's hard to argue with his assessment.

10.

Human - Me: “Thank you" My French friend: "I call that... mercy"

11.

Facial expression - SIX without S is 9

12.

Grass - Ride on lawn mower, as new $700

13.

Mode of transport - r/Showerthoughts Posted by u/Stormfly The sentence "Don't objectify women" has "women" as the object of the sentence. It's hard to argue with his assessment.

14.

Text - TEST rtt PREP 2. Which is the best estimate for the length of a football? QI foot b all O 4 feet O 5 feet O 8 feet

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Text - r/AskReddit A u/EyeOfOwl • 8h What is an immediate red flag to tell if someone is fake? Discussion 792 702 1 Share BEST COMMENTS DongVonJovi • 7h 1 Award They're wearing brand new clothes in the middle of a department store, are standing on a platform, and don't have the goddamn courtesy to tell you where the bathroom is. They don't even move. Reply 3.1k

16.

Text - r/AskReddit u/Dancer9d9 9h 1 O1 1 What under $10 item is a total game changer? 15.0k 6.1k 1 Share BEST COMMENTS - Austobausto • Now Video game updates Edit

17.

Electrical wiring - For those of you who cant work out social distancing.... this is two meters apart!!

18.

Technology - * Echo Angelpaw * @EchoAngelpaw I've got myself a hot date :3 26

19.

Cartoon - Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.

20.

Text - 167 100 years from now I will be years old. I hope some day that I will foo TBáLand own 100 Dallar Bills 100 Ponies I never wish to own 100 or 100 Vnorornes. 100 years from now I hope to be Dead

21.

Face - THEOAKLANDPRESS.COM Man tells police he stole food truck because he's a 'dumbass'

22.

Column - l TESCO ? 17:06 ThioJoe 19 hours ago IT Support 2K Home Explore Subscriptions Inbox Library

23.

Cartoon - Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake No, no. He's got a point

24.

Facial expression - "Unlockable" has a double meaning. Both that it cannot be locked and that it can be unlocked

25.

Text - r/AskReddit Posted by u/UnRealDreamsofLife • 6h 1 What's the dumbest reply to a serious question you've heard? 6,3k 1,5k Share Y BEST COMMENTS ▼ IAhawkeyes132• 2h in physics there's something called the "right hand rule" which helps you find the direction of force given the direction of the magnetic and electric fields. it's a little hard to explain how exactly, but you literally use your right hand as a model. my professor asked me in front of the class what the first thing you needed to

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