FunnyWeb - Get Your Funniest Pix From The InterWebz!: 01/06/21

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Camera Finds Dude Nailing Rush's "Tom Sawyer" On Air Drums

A little while back at a Ravens game, our boy here was air drumming with the best of them. You can tell by the smile at the end that he knows that he was one with that on that imaginary 30-piece set. If only we all felt free and confident enough to air drum flawlessly in public.

Submitted by: (via Matt Sparks)

Tagged: wholesome , Music , lol , rush , silly , dumb , drums , funny

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Man Acts Out House Listing Gone Wrong

Why is this way better than it should be? Seriously, there's a catchy vibe going on. Outside of that though, it's a pretty good idea to act out conversations with choosing beggars or other strange people in the online housing world. There are some serious gems.

Submitted by: (via ariyansss)

Tagged: housing , FAIL , cringe , ridiculous , funny , Video

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Man Gives The World's Most Awkward Interview

We have no idea what kind of hurricane of pure chaotic nonsense was rushing through this man's brain as he went about giving an "interview." Let's just say that this video will test people's tolerance for cringe like never before.

Submitted by: (via The Inflatable Run)

Tagged: news , FAIL , cringe , anchorman , ridiculous , funny , Video

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Management Illegally Bans Overtime Pay, IT Gets It All Back

Horrible management always seems to get it in their heads that they can make people work crazy hours without having to pay for it. In this case, IT did their research and worked out a plan to get the astronomical amount of overtime they earned. Here's another incompetent manager who banned overtime and had it backfire.

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Text - Posted by u/jbanelaw 10 hours ago 2 4 3 Manager: "Company Policy Is We Do NOT Pay For Overtime", Tech: "Sure, OK, Whatever" Epic Sometimes as a consultant you get to see how an office functions from an outsider perspective. Since you are an independent contractor the company treats you differently than an employee. Also, just due to the nature of contract work, your engagement is usually short term. This makes you a temporary fixture and sometimes are just treated as the "fly on the wall"

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Text - This is one of those tales. Not so much about the nuts and bolts of tech support, but more about the people and some good old fashion just desserts. Background... As a consultant, you are always going to be the "IT Guy" whether you like it or not. No matter how you market your services every single company is going to assume you can do anything with a computer. And, when business is slow, this is not necessarily a bad thing if you just need work. About 10 years ago I found myself in a sit

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Text - Easy stuff. The company had its own IT department, but just needed some extra hands. I was going to be one of three outside contractors that would deploy some workstations, do some server admin work, and set up some other equipment for a new department. The money wasn't the best, but it was time I had free and it was all swing shift work (meaning no traffic and I get to sleep in). Not bad. The First Day I report as requested about 3PM and talk to our contact. He was a Senior Engineer in c

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Text - I take the server work and see my contact who the System Administrator. Figuring he was probably gone for the day as it was mid-evening I was just going to leave him a note asking him to call me, but to my surprise he is at his desk. In fact, just about everyone in the IT department are milling around. Didn't think much of it at the time, just that it was one busy department and the guys must be pulling double shifts. He shows me the systems and I get to work. Around midnight we are wrapp

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Text - I left thinking, "man that is a busy place.those guys must really be pulling down the overtime...I wonder what is going on they have so much work..." as I walked out the door that night. Soon enough I would find out the deal. Friday Night Head to the work site a little early on Friday figuring if we all pull a long night we should be able to wrap it up and all get our weekend back. Things are going great and we are ahead of schedule so the Senior Engineer offers to take us out a local din

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Text - At the diner: Senior Engineer (SE): "I want to thank you guys for all your hard work. We are all overworked and when we got approval to contract out this job everyone was excited." IT Guy (me): "Hey glad to be of service. Looks like you guys are crazy busy. Is everyone pulling doubles and doing weekends to handle your ticket load?" SE: "Oh we are understaffed so we all have to pull extra hours..." Me: "That sucks, but must be some great overtime..."

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Text - SE: "Overtime...not really...we are all salaried...some loophole or something...we just put in the time because we all need the job right now..." The conversation trailed off from there, but it left me thinking, "in this state most IT workers are eligible for overtime as a matter of law...there is no loophole like that.something isn't right.." Back at the work site... I'm in the network closet with the Systems Administrator hooking up some ports and finishing the server work. He is a frie

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Text - Systems Admin (SA): "Oh yeah, it has been like this for a year. 60 hours is a light week these days. It is bullshit." Me: "Yeah the other guy said you don't get overtime..." SA: Laughs. "That is what the boss tell us. Let me show you something." He pulls up an email exchange he had with his manager. It is dated about 10 months ago and makes the very point I thought that the entire department should be getting overtime and the law requires it. His boss' response in bold and caps was "IT IS

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Text - Me: "Look I'm not a lawyer, but you might want to call up the labor department..I'm pretty sure it is illegal for you to not be getting overtime..." Then to my surprise, the SA pulls up another email from his personal account. "Oh it is blatantly illegal. I asked a lawyer and this was his response." (He showed me a memo explaining the law and that most likely a lawsuit would be successful. This was dated about nine months ago.) Me: (confused) "So you guys know you should be getting overti

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Text - SA: "No but we will. Here is the kicker. According to the lawyer the labor department will look back at the hours we put in for the last 12 months and award us retroactive overtime. So all of us just log our time and keep records then in about a month we are going to file a claim all together. The company is going to be on the hook for all that overtime and they won't be allowed to fire any of us for reporting them either." (Then the coup de grace...) SA: "We all figured when this whole t

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Text - Damn. That is some cold stone strategizing. Me: "How many hours do you think you guys have piled up?" SA: "Hard to tell. Everyone keeps their own paper logs to keep it quiet. We also don't talk about it too much so nothing gets out but last time we met outside of work it was a boat load of time. I figure, for myself, they will owe me about 13-14 months of salary in overtime and when it is all said and done, add up damages, penalties, interest, it will probably total almost two years of pa

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Text - We finished up the job that night. I exchanged contact information with a few guys and said if they had any other contract work to think about giving me a call. That was it, until... Three Months Later... I am at another job and see an email come in from the Systems Administrator, subject line "Overtime Claim": "Hey IT Guy - Hope you are doing well. We all ended up filing a big overtime claim with the state and the company fired us for supposedly falsifying our timesheets. The lawyer is s

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Text - I agreed to talk to the investigator and got a call about a week later. He asked me some routine questions about times and dates and wanted me to email him over some proof I did the job. Then he started going into the details of the case. "We got this company for probably a million in overtime and damages between all the guys in the department plus the firing is probably illegal so that is going to be another few hundred thousand on top of it. The insurance company wants to settle and onc

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Text - "Just wanted to let you know we settled this whole thing. Company caved pretty quick once it was clear we kept honest logs of our time and the local management violated parent company regulations for the sake of making their site budget look better. Can't go into details, but we all got sizable checks, enough to pay off some loans, and go back to school. I'll have to find a new job but after I get my grad degree that shouldn't be an issue. Appreciate you talking to the investigators. Than

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Tagged: job , work , legal , lol , pay , overtime , payment , illegal , funny , money , win

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Spelling Fails That Left Us Emotionally Robbed

Spelling can be challenging, but there's sort of a base level that most of us should be comfortable with by now. That's not the case. We see spelling fails all the time. The really good ones are when people homebrew their own creative spelling of a popular phrase. No, it doesn't make sense to suffer from day jaw food, but that's just how regrettable and dumb spelling fails go.

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Text - Omar Are men habla gated to pay for everything in a relationship? Jake Boy I thought you were speaking Spanish

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Text - Don't y'all hate when teachers use to coffin skate your phone 2:39 PM 08 Dec 15 28 RETWEETS 8 LIKES

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Screenshot - Sarah Chongalongadong tayLORD. ErykahBaDont When you can still smell his colon on your pillows even though he's when you hug a guy and you smell his colon not there >>>>> 11/7/14, 2.36 AM from Queens, NY 1404 55 AM. @RichOrb I love when I can smell a guy's colon as he walks by 7/14/14, 10:13 AM jen abasedgin Stylish Sweetheart after you hug a boy and you smell like his colon <33 I smell like his colon now 11/12/14. 1:16 PM

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Green - You minus well come back to te apartment. Jess won't be here until 6 MM Minus well? Well I won't be getting there until she gets here MM You the know saying isn't "minus well"? MM What is the saying Might as well

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Blue - U'll like her she's really smart. She's doing psychology at uni Oh really? Yeah she was cutting up brains and stuff. She's doing depression and silverside at the moment Depression and what? Silverside. Like when someone kills themself

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Text - TheBloggess @TheBloggess Very frustrated lady next to me at Gamestop: "My son Kevin wants Fork Knife for his birthday but no place has it in stock." me: I think it's Fortnite. Her: No. It's definitely Fork Knife. Sorry Kevin. I tried. 10:42 AM - May 1, 2018 O 32.4K Q 6,796 people are talking about this

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Sleeve - Dirty DIY @DIRTYDIYT anyways. i like my alphet last night DANK zander @finah i know you not trynna say outfit.i just know you're not

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Green - Today 12:14 PM U awake boi Yes or no to hanging out today Today 1:22 PM I cant today, I have to finish some aarons Who is Aaron And why is there more than one Aaron Text Message

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Screenshot - Bahram @PersianThotz i took these with my iphone x. camera quality so surreal it's like Leonardo Dicaprio painted them ruckin @ruckin_ not to be confused with award winning actor Leonardo DaVinci

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Text - Why y'all acting like the world just now gettin messed up? What about slavery? The hall of cost? Pick up a book

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Text - See All Questions > Posts I've been trying new ways to relax. Currently I'm into essential oil diffusers and incest. 7 Comments O Like Comment

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Text - You can always come hold me till you leave, even though l'll be coma toast in like two seconds Coma toast hahahaha That killed me haha Why hahaha Coma toast hahahahaha Did I spell it right Comatose OH GOD MY LIFE IS A LIE

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Yellow - 3 mins · looks can be this evening boy i tell ya O Like Comment A Share Be the first to like this Ca. What Just now Like Reply

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Organism - uckin hippocrips Fuckin hippocrips s/ts, 1024 AM 5/15, 10:24 AM hippocrips 24 AM

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Blue - What school you went to You accepted Rayray's request. Why? You look for meal your I Look What? You look for meal your Huh? I Don't Know What A For Meal Your Is. You look like i no you damn U No Me?

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Text - What is your attitude towards cannibals? like when you jump in the pool? hhahahhaa. ummm make a huge splah and ya win the competition Imfao.

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Colorfulness - a @samuraiting why a soon when you can just ask? 12:02 am · 17 Oct 18 11 Retweets 47 Likes O e @Bronze_Pharaoh 9h Replying to @samuraiting Assume* a @samuraiting - 9h you retarded 3

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Blue - Ahhaha my parents are prob gunna buy flaming young and a cake a a Wat the fuck is flaming young? Please dont tell me u mean filet mignon Delivered

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Text - gApril Ham Lincon a weeks of A winter

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Cheek - Deadass spent 2 hours doing project on Youth in Asia then find out it's supposed to be on Euthanasia Youth In Asia: A Crisis By: Patrick Devlin & John Doyle MacBook Air

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Text - Following Does any body else hate it when they get Day Jaw Food? It's really irritateing to me. 4:20 PM - 7 Jul 2018

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Text - I want my first born to be a mail child Keep us posted

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Text - nah + I'm only 16 but my back aches like an 80 year old with Arthur write this

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Tagged: FAILS , sentences , failure , FAIL , words , lol , misspelling , ridiculous , dumb , spelling , funny

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Tumblr Thread: Becoming an Ant God

It stands to reason that if you saw a circle of ants chanting your name, you wouldn't just ignore it. Well, you shouldn't ignore ants in general; that's how you get ants. But still, if they formed a tiny circle and started praising you, it would be hard to let go. This tumblr thread takes the premise to its logical conclusion of roommate disputes being fought through the lens of ant holy war. Here's another good one about tumblr imagining aliens being fought off by wildlife.

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Text - cerothenull S quinnred probablybadrpgideas If Cthulhu can be summoned by humans who are so far beneath it, why can't humans be summoned by ants? The answer is they should be. 20thcenturyvole Well if a bunch of ants formed a circle in my house l'd certainly notice, try to figure out where they'd all come from, and possibly wreak destruction there.

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Text - weasowl That's why knowing and correctly pronouncing the true name is so important to the ritual. Imagine how impossible it would be to not go take a look if the circle of ants started chanting your name. And they're like, you can't leave because we drew a line made of tiny crystals - now you have to do us a favor. And you're like, let's just see where this goes "yup, you got me.. what's the favor?" and usually the favor is like, "kill this one ant for us" or "give me a pile of sugar" and

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Text - And SOMEtimes you get asked for things you can't really do, one of them, she's like, "I love this ant but she won't pay any attention to me, make me important to her" and you're like.. um? how? So you just kill every ant in the colony except the two of them, ta-da! problem solved! and the first ant is like *horrified whisper* "what have I done" weasowl for some reason my brain won't let go of this one, so...

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Text - Meanwhile another colony of ants invades your house, and evidently that last ant has gotten some of them to join her in a circle and taught them the ritual because you're coming out of the bathroom one day and you hear the ants singing your name. Sure enough it's that ant, but she's dark and fucked up noW, and she's like, “kill the queen. I will rule this colony" and you're like, sure, I guess I kinda owe her, and you do it. And she manages to become queen, and they worship you. Which is

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Text - ants; you teach them some extra words and when hear them you go see what's up. Usually. Also just to your name, if you're bored. And, sometimes some of the ants are like, tell us more human names, and you're kind of jealous of the idea of some other human diluting your private godhood, so you refuse. Your roommate Greg is like, yo, that's fucking awesome, I want ant worshipers! But whenever he approaches any, they run away, because it turns out that the illusion of control from the named

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Text - So you show up at the colony, and you're like, "yo, witch queen, did you think there would be no price for all these things? Your colony must do something for me, go to the Room of the Housemate, I will meet you there." And you go sit on the couch and play Overwatch for a while. You're like, right there, you can clearly see the ants all marching along the wall to Greg's room, but to them you're not even there, you're so far away they can't see you. It takes them, like, an ant week to make

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Text - over and by the time they've chanted your name once, you're there. "right, hold on" and you look around and you see a twelve-pack of Greg's precious fucking soda, that he keeps in his room and refuses to ever share, even though it's a communal food household and you share your hot chocolate with him all the time. So you gather the ants unto you, and you poke a little hole in each of the sodas and you leave the room to the sound of the ants rejoic- ing. Greg will suspect of course, but he'

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Text - But later, while you're at work, Greg destroys most of the colony in a rage, and you come home to find the witch queen gasping her last "the Dew of the Mountain, which you had us steal, was cursed - and so I lay my curse on you" and then she dies. Well first of all, you don't really believe in curses, but last month you didn't believe ants could know your name, so that's unsettling. And second of all, you feel kind of bad. You know, not SUPER bad, cause she's like, an ant. But still. And

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Text - But Greg has done more than kill a bunch of the colony. As you wait for eggs and pupae to replenish the ant population, you discover he has found some ants that didn't go on the Mountain Dew raid, and he's spared them, told them his name, and made himself a good sized cult in YOUR fucking ant queendom. Greg has started locking his door. So now you NEED the ants. Once again you direct the ants loyal to you to journey to Greg's room. You meet them at the door. A locked door means nothing to

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Text - sition. But you need them to get inside. You're going to put itching powder in his underwear drawer and leave a raw fish under his bed. So you instruct the leading party of ants how to go into the Cave of Keyhole, and position the Magic Megaliths inside just right to enable the opening of the Great Door and allow you to pass into the Realm of Housemate. Crouched by the door, you can hear when your ants are met by a party of Greg Cultists, who insist that if the Great Door is opened, the c

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Text - To find Greg! In his room all along! It's a trap! His cultists attack you! I mean, they can't do much real harm, but it kind of hurts and it's super annoying. You order your ants to attack him, and they do, but he storms over and pours bleach down the colony entrance. Now you and Greg are at war, and you both understand the unspoken rules to your fight. You can't do things directly to each other, why, that would be assault. But anything you can get your ants to do is fine, because "she to

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Text - Later, nursing your anger, you confer with your few remaining ants and stare moodily at your new prize, the ant farm that came in the mail. Bullet ants don't usually get along with sugar ants, but you're betting they will if a god tells them to. Meanwhile, you've got a laptop schematic to go over with your high priestess. It's finals week, and if you time it right, he'll lose everything... weasowl Feel free to add your own stories paralleling human/otherworldly with insect/human interacti

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Text - I'm going to have this repost a few times because I want to see which of my mutuals are into this kind of thing because l'm preparing to test drive a fiction share and writing prompt project raposinhachan The Idea of the old gods obeying us not because of supernatural reason, but because they think it's funny to watch the tiny animals fight IS the answer to everything

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Text - titleknown @zuzu-and-friends, @bogleech, @tyrantisterror tyrantisterror "Human baffled at a bunch of ants inexplicably calling it by name" is a better characterization for an eldritch abomination than 99% of eldritch abominations in fiction. Source: probablybadrpgideas

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Tagged: god , tumblr , gods , cthulu , ants , lol , story , roommates , funny , weird

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Wacky Offerings From Facebook's Online Marketplace

You never know what kind of crazy offerings you're bound to come across in the vast expanse of Facebook's online marketplace. You've got all kinds of groups that include people trying to sell just about anything they can find lying around the house. What really takes an online sale to the next level is when you get that juicy gossip contextualization. Like the guy selling the ring because their partner was cheating. Check out more weird stuff people tried to sell online over here.

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Motorcycle - $450· MESSAGE I'm selling a motorcycle COVID-19 Info for Buyers and Sellers Learn More 23 Comments O Like Comment I'm selling a cat, kinda lazy Like Reply 8

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Finger - 11:31 Shop Shop ... 24m · 6 14k size 9 Message $15.000 I am selling my 14K diamond engagement ring. It has 38 diamonds and has been only worn for 3 weeks because my ex is a cheating lying piece of shit and cant keep his dick in his pants. No lowball offers, bes

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Product - Buy and Sell ! $100 - BRAMPTON, ON Pizza oven MESSAGE

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Colorfulness - Buy and Sell KW ... 7h: PS2 $500 PERTH SOUTH, ON MESSAGE PS5 COVID-19 Info for Buyers and Sellers Learn More 63 9 Comments 6 Shares O Like Comment A Share

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Blue - Buy & Sell (No ... Rules ) 26m · A 3 meals a day included... for everyone complaining about rent and food prices!!! 100% free! 1 Bed 1 Bath - Apartment Free 1 bedroom apartment iuet keen doina dumh chit FREE · PERTH EAST, ON Apartment for rent MESSAGE

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Carmine - ... Buy and Sell Car Floor Ice Cream $3 2020 Breyers Chocolate from the 7 11 down the street, fell on the cars floor. Asking 3 OBO, mint condition. IF THE ADD IS STILL UP IT IS STILL AVAILABLE. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. Breyers GATTE CAND Bragers 40 23 Comments 2 Shares Commont d chare

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Text - ... Bible, signed. First edition. $4,700 Signed. Will consider trade for dune buggy. THE . we s the made Since Bable HOLY vork BIBLE say otel OLD AND NEW Al/ the best, cal OW to CONTAINING THE ve TESTAMENTS Godx le Translated out of the Original Tongues and with the Former Translations diligently compared st COMMONLY KNOWN AS THE AUTHORIZED (KING JAMES) VERSION QID THE GIDEONS INTERNATIONAL 212 EAST SUPERIOR STREET CHICAGO II, ILLINOIS

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Tagged: buying , FAIL , cringe , facebook , social media , ridiculous , selling

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Creepy And Strange Things People Saw Working Night Shift

Not too much good happens between the hours of 3 and 5 in the morning. If anyone is out and about, there's a good chance they're not out to shop for groceries or buy flowers for their mom. Sometimes people are out to lurk. Darkness does that. People see some creepy stuff working the night shift.

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Text - Artyom150 2.3k points · 12 hours ago My buddy and I were in the guard shack on an important entry point - like 100% ID checks, can't be expired, gotta double-check against a list put out even if the IDs are valid so if you're not on the list your ID doesn't mean shit. It's around 3 AM and we're watching creepy YouTube videos during the time that nobody is coming through. He looks up and shouts "What the fuck", I look up and scream like a little girl and nearly jump out of my chair. Dollar

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Text - thrown12212020 23.0k points · 11 hours ago 2 3 5 82 Used to work night shift at a 24 hour Walmart. Customers are nuts enough in the daytime, but they become WEIRD after midnight. Once had an elderly guy come in wearing only a jean jacket and fishnet stockings. He came up to my register, leaned in, and asked if we carried anything to get rid of lice... Those plastic barriers all stores have now to protect cashiers? They need to keep those even after the pandemic ends. I lost count of the t

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Text - jmedina94 4.7k points · 14 hours ago · edited 11 hours ago More of a very weird event. Sometimes work night shifts. One time was going home around 4am or so. It was pitch dark outside and very quiet. Person on a bike came out of nowhere, said he remembered me from middle school (even said the right school name), and rode off.

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Text - odd-42 17.2k points · 11 hours ago O 2 4 E $2@4 Was an orderly in a hospital. Two of us were sitting in the basement office adjacent to the morgue. A guy passed our office, looking at us a little shifty, came back again and asked if we had access to the morgue. We said "yes,"thinking he was doing a pickup for a funeral home, but that seemed strange given it was around 12:00-12:30 a.m. Nope. He wanted to pay us to let him in, and leave him alone with the bodies for an hour. We escorted him

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Text - conniption_fit 4.3k points · 13 hours ago Was running the register at 24 hr supermarket. Stock person comes running into produce carrying mop handle screaming "you mother fucker". Out of sight, he keeps yelling "fucker!" and smacking handle at something, for like 5 min. I am ringing up customers, and freaking out because he was losing his mind, but I am not interested in getting involved in a murder.so I ignore Later I find out he was chasing a rat.

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Text - greatwood 15.7k points · 13 hours ago 2 Worked a parking garage at the airport. Cleaning the top deck and noticed about a hundred ravens all over a truck with a tarp over the bed. Took my flashlight expecting something awful. Noticed as I got closer the smell and the ravens taking turns going in a hole they had torn open and popping out covered in gunk. some guy left a broke down beater with a couple animal carcasses in the back to rot. No heads. Checked the logs and the damn truck had be

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Text - Ghoulthrower676 13.5k points · 13 hours ago Was walking through the simulation lab for nursing students at the hospital I work at on very little sleep, all the lights were off and it was my first time working night shift, turned a corner and saw what I thought was a person standing behind a lamp that was on, turns out it was a mannequin holding the pull cord. Really freaked me out and I was awake after that

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Text - DC4MVP 9.7k points · 13 hours ago I worked in an open quarry mine down in Texas. We had this storm where it rained like a mother fucker for hours and hours. Being nightshift (6:30pm-6:30am) supervisor, I was in charge of 8 CAT 745 haul trucks, 2 CAT 390 excavators, 6 CAT 980 loaders, 2 D8 dozers, and 1 D9 dozer. It was about 2 am when I had 3 haul trucks get stuck in the bottom of the mine. Just spinning their tires endlessly. It was horrible. Since we're talking about tens of thousands o

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Text - I called him at minimum 13 times within an hour to get him to shut the mine down. Since it was 2 am, he never answered which NEVER happened as he always had his phone on. 3-4 of us were soaking wet and covered from head to toe in mud to the point where you couldn't even tell we were wearing neon green hi-vis safety gear. We got the trucks pulled out of the mine after roughly 3 hours of using a combo of the dozers and loaders and excavators to essentially build a new road from dryer materi

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Text - FlatteredPawn 9.5k points · 11 hours ago 3 3 3 & 4 More It was 3am. Popular Canadian coffee shop. There is one old baker in the back that rarely interacts with me past a dirty joke or a dirtier ditty from his Navy days. Other than that I'm alone. Not another soul around the area and I expect it to remain so for at least an hour yet. I'm boxing up the day old's for the homeless shelter when I swear I see something out of the corner of my eye. It's behind me. I turn, then look down. There's

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Text - Police arrive. Baker comes back says that he can't find anyone else in the streets. The guy from the 24/7 corner store said he'll keep an eye out. Police try to speak to the kid and also get nothing but mutterings and half-hearted gestures. They take him away. I see them again for their morning coffee and they told me the little guy walked several kilometers from the nearest reservation in the dead of night to my store. He had got into his parents medicine cabinet and just... walked out o

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Text - cellrdoor2 9.0k points · 11 hours ago 3 4 I was once staying late doing some scenic painting in a college campus theater. It was late, pitch black dark outside and very quiet in the building. A few of us were up on the stage, not really talking, just taking care of business when suddenly I saw out of the corner of my eye something go very quickly by the open door to the lobby. Wtf? Then it went by again andI actually saw what it was. A guy with long hair, wearing pajamas, and no socks or

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Text - thegamblerx 6.9k points · 13 hours ago I used to work night shift as a care aide in an old folks home. It was already creepy, the home was an old hospital that was converted. Some asshole kept walking around the courtyard after dark dressed as the grim reaper knocking on doors. It was actually really scary, he ran off and the facility got a security guard for a few weeks.

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Text - rickrolo24 4.8k points · 11 hours ago · edited 3 hours ago Leaving one night from work I was followed by a log truck and it kept going faster and faster untilI was at 100mph. I pulled off as the truck blew past my car rocking it. Thing was there was twisty turns ahead. Couldn't find the truck. Update: No he wasn't experiencing brake failure this was on an uphill which the route is slow and progressively up hill. I'm not on the Grapevine or 4th of July pass. It was just hauling ass. They w

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Text - sadtempeh 5.4k points · 9 hours ago 47 O7e18 & 16 More For a change of pace here's a nice one. I was taking my break outside and a little mouse came up to me so I gave him a bit of pot noodle and he sat on the floor next to me munching away on it.

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Tagged: wtf , job , creepy , work , strange , night shift , lol , weird

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Funny, Sparkling Gems from Scottish Twitter

If there's one Twitter phenomenon we'd all wish to emulate, it'd be the hard hitting, patter-driven, jargon-slinging denizens of Scottish Twitter. Upon first viewing, some of the language doesn't seem all that decipherable. But then you start to get it, and after that you start to need it. Nothing but praise for these gems of Scottish Twitter.

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Text - Dayna McAlpine @daynamcalpine_ my friend only shaves if she knows she's 100% going to be having sex bc 'there's no point peeling a tattie if yer no going to mash it' 11:04 - 17/02/2020 from Edinburgh, Scotland · Twitter for iPhone 25 Retweets 229 Likes

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Text - Philip Larkin @philiplarkin Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting F K ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL 12:11 PM 24 Feb 18 16.3K Retweets 43.1K Likes >

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Text - BENYID @bernardmeechan1 Arguing with carly over how to cook steaks, i says "aye well ive watched plenty of videos on youtube. Her reply, "aye well youve watched hunners of porn tae n you canny do that right either"

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Text - moth dad @innesmck fk whatever s te currency yous have got, new scottish notes have OTTERS on them Ten Pounds Royal Bank of Srotland > $10 Stering

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Text - Harlot @sharpbyname8 Told my dad I had a missus yesterday and it went Me-dad am with someone. Da- right is he local? M- am with a girl D- sound is she local?

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Text - Ross Sayers @Sayers33 A year ago my girlfriend lost her favourite neck- lace. She was running for a taxi & it snapped & went down a drain. Little did she know I con- tacted the council & asked them to search the drain. So...this Xmas I presented her a Topshop voucher cause the Council told me to f k off. 22:09 26 Dec 19 Twitter for Android

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Bagpipes - What people think Scotland is like vs what it's actually like walkin ma dog this morning and seen a junkie hangin from a lamppost

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Text - Lydia @LydiaMizon Coworker's 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King. Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep. day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

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Text - Daniel Roan. @DRoantree More good election news; Someone in Scotland wrote "WANK" beside every party on their ballot, other than the Green Party, beside which was written "not wank". According to Scottish Law that indicates "Clear preference" and the vote got counted hahahahaha 10:35 · 27 May 19 Twitter for iPhone

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Sleeve - Сecil Teapot @cecilteaspoon TRIPTHETIT I like Scottish clothes shops,they let you see how good you look crawling home pished.

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Text - cat @catstewartt Ma hamster has to lose its eye n John sent me this :))) Her eye is fully shut now 11:33 am I think she won't be able to use that eye again 11:33 am / :( 11:35 am .( 11:35 am

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Lip - Witnesses said they saw her hoovering up the remains. Woman accused of snorting a dead mum's ashes at house party mirror.co.uk Like Comment Share Kirsty RoseRed Hewkin and 285 others like this. Liam MacGregor How much she snort?! Half a gran? Write a comment... Post

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Text - Aidn @_AM63_ Smith took acid last night and two burds were talking Gaelic and no Cunt telt smithn he just thought he couldn't understand English anymore and sat fried tryin no to cry

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Text - rosie @rosiemudie Called a weird French b h out for being a wee cow on my photo and she's threatened tae come to Scotland and beat me up omg je suis sh ting my pantalons x

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Text - Anne Thériault @anne_theriault Scotland, man. They don't fk around. This urinal is dedicated to three men who participated in the Scottish Highland Clearances. These men took part in what is now recognised as a form of Central Government endorsed ethnic cleansing. Through their greed and bigotry, they and others have been instrumental in destroying a centuries old Scottish Highland way of life. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PAY THEM THE RESPECT THEY ARE DUE >

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Tagged: scottish , twitter , scotland , lol , ridiculous , funny tweets , stories , funny

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