FunnyWeb - Get Your Funniest Pix From The InterWebz!: 07/05/20

Sunday, July 5, 2020

Spooky Signs that Mean Serious Business

There are a lot of unconventional hazards in this world. You wouldn't think that walking into a mine field or falling into a hidden pit could be a legitimate danger, but luckily we have creepy signs that mean business. Sometimes they're overly vague, and some put the danger into cartoonish detail, but that all amounts to the fact that these signs should definitely not be ignored.

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Signage - HackneyHomes In partnership with HHackney Council Please Keep off the Grass This is one of many burial grounds pertaining to the Black Plague 1665-1666

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Electronics - HELP When Elevator Stops Functioning Press and Hold Help Button for 3 Seconds.

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Signage - Warning! Evacuate the island if you hear 8 short blasts. NorthWestern Energy

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Natural landscape - If you hear a siren for more than 30 seconds, please evacuate the park immediately 。如听到警报响30秒, 请立即撤离地热公园

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Text - EXTREME DANGER SUBMERGED WEIR THE DROWNING MACHINE • Venturing over the weir is RISKING CERTAIN DEATH. • Escape is IMPOSSIBLE once caught in whirling water. • Portage as directed. EMERGENCY - DIAL 911 Albera

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Nature reserve - JOINT SECURITY AREA PAN MUN JOM IN FRONT OF THEM ALL THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS GOLF COURSE AS FEATURED IN SPORTS ILLUSTRATED 192YARD PAR 3 * DANGER! D0 NOT RETRIEVE BALLS FROM THE ROUGH LIVE MINE FIELDS COURSE PRO: MAJ MATTHEW M.STANTON

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Signage - PLEASE, DO NOT FEED OR MOLEST ALLIGATORS Gators CAN NOT be tamed and feeding them can result in their mistaking a hand for a handout Florida Law prohibits the leeding or molesting of alligators!! Support Wildlife Alert! you see someone feeding or molesting an dlligator, plep coextension 072

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Urban area - rante NS DEBIT CA DANGE Bol

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Yellow - CAUTION 120 MPH TRAIN PASSES ON THIS TRACK PLEASE STAND ВАCK

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Lawn - PLAY HOUSE WARNING! AGGRESSIVE MOTHER DEER! AVOID WALKING BEHIND PLAYHOUSE ESPECIALLY WITH DOGS NO KIDDING, SHE'S SERIOUSLY SCARY

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Nature reserve - 危険! 絶対に車から出ない窓やドアを開けない DANGER! Never get out of your car! Never open the windows!

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Text - WARNING ENTERING HISTORIC URANIUM MINING AREA RE AWARE OF OPEN SHAFTS TUNNEL AND MINE WORKINGS CONTAIN RADIOACTIVE RADON GAS - STAY ON EXISTING ROAD- - DO NOT APPROACH OR ENTER OLD MINE WORKINGS-

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Yellow - PULLOUT CANOES е HERE BCA Parks DANGER WATERFALL AHEAD. АНEAD BCA Parks

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Yellow - ASBESTOS DUST HAZARD WEAR ASSIGNED PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT AVOID BREATHINGI NEREMAIN AN ARA DNLESS OUR WOORK P EPUST MAY DE HAZARIN

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Text - |PLAGUE CAUTION Chipmunks, ground squirrels, or other wild rodents in this area may be infected with plague. You can get plague by: Being bitten by an infected flea Touching or holding an infected rodent Being bitten, scratched, or coughed upon by a cat infected with plague OBSERVE THESE PRECAUTIONS: 1. AVOID ANIMAL FLEAS. Do not camp, rest, or sleep near animal burrows. 2. DO NOT FEED OR TOUCH chipmunks, squirrels, or other wild animals. 3. DO NOT HANDLE sick or dead animals. Report them

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Soil - DANGER HIGH DEATH POTENTIAL KEEP OUT

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Text - CAUTION CHIMPS DO PICK UP BAD HABITS EASILY! BEWARE THEY CAN THROW OBJECTS SUCH AS FOOD OR FECES, ESPECIALLY WHEN EXCITED. NOTE - EXTREME SWELLING OF THE RUMP IS NATURAL WITH THE FEMALE CHIMP, AND WILL OCCUR WHEN SHE IS IN HEAT CYCLE.

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Text - CHLORINE CHLORINE GAS DANGER! POISON! CA is

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Tagged: crazy , scary , warning , sign , wtf , danger , signs , lol , dangerous

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Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Marriage

These tweets will either convince you that you actually want to get married, or talk you out of the process altogether.

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Text - David Hughes Follow @david8hughes Me: the book is so much better Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes

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Text - Myrrh Follow Gixix82 The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.

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Text - Jessica Valenti Follow @JessicaValenti I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.

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Text - Kate Sidley Follow @sidleykate Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

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Text - Wendy Follow @_wendyb07 Husband: you walk really loud. Anyway, marriage is fun.

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Text - mama770 Follow @deegeemindi I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit. Current count:23

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Text - James Breakwell O Follow eXplodingUnicorn Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken. Me: So it's a can't opener? Wife: I can't believe I married you.

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Text - Lurkin' Mom Follow @LurkAtHomeMom Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35

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Text - Walking Outside Follow @WalkingOutside Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".

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Text - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland [Me, on my deathbed] Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?

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Text - Chad Read Follow @squirrel74wkgn *tosses bath towel on hotel floor* [text from wife at home] "Pick that up."

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Text - Punchyk Follow @AnkCoupleTO Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion? Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?

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Text - not the WORST mom Follow @nottheworstmom *RSVP'ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

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Text - Donna McCoy Follow @Donna_McCoy Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

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Text - The Cre Master Follow @Jmboyd58 *wife runs back into our house which is on fire* What are you doing!? W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

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Text - Jersey Follow @better_off_dad Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.

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Text - Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. Follow @Home_Halfway WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

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Text - Abe Yospe Follow @Cheeseboy22 My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

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Text - Dumb Beezie Follow @dumbbeezie Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

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Tagged: twitter , marriage , relatable , relationships , social media , ridiculous

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Woman Tries To Eat Homegrown Tomatoes, Gets In Showdown With Wasp

This woman was just trying to enjoy the results of her hard earned efforts with growing some tomatoes. You'll see at the end that those tomatoes are a thing of beauty. That being said, she ends up in a tense, adrenaline-charged duel with a persistent monster wasp. Things could've gone very differently.

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Text - r/tifu + Join u/leahnardo • 1d 1 2 4 F1 3 2 1 TIFU by not watering my tomatoes and underestimating physics M This happened about thirty minutes ago. So l've been Covid gardening since March, growing stuff from seeds, and my tomatoes are monsters. Six feet high and still going. Temps have been in the upper 90's, so I need to water them twice a day. I check their condition, note they do need water, then see an actual TOMATO OMG. Since this is the first edible thing I've seen after three mon

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Text - The wasp is, as you can imagine, not terribly pleased to be trapped in the thickets of my hair. I do not panic, however. I grab the base of that hank of hair and hold it while still leaning forward so the angry little bastard doesn't swing directly into my face. I go into problem- solving mode. The wasp does not wish to be in my hair- I do not wish the wasp to be in my hair. Yet, I sense, cooperation will not be possible. I instead enlist physics as my helper and attempt to fling the litt

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Text - Having switched directly from "not panicking I can solve this" to "panicking now HAVE A WASP IN MY BOOBS," I yank the neck of my tank top forward in an attempt to keep the buzzing motherfucker from digging a hole in my fun bags. Luckily, the wasp appeared to watch a lot of fashion television and was instead attacking my tank top. I mean, I get it. No one wants to be flung into leaf green ribbed polyester. It is so last summer. Having learned absolutely nothing from my previous flirtation

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Text - Still bent forward and holding my tank top's neck at least a foot from me, I crow in victory and straighten up, immediately making awkward eye contact with the three stunned construction workers in my neighbor's back yard. No, I was not wearing a bra. So yeah, I just flashed those poor men with leaning forward middle- aged dangle boobs. Fluttering like pennants in the wind. Not the most flattering angle. Did I attempt to explain my entirely reasonable circumstances to those baffled people

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Text - tl;dr: Monster tomatoes lead to cleavage wasp, and my titty semaphore is not understood by baffled bystanders. Edit: Wow, I crashed and went to bed after reading a few very nice comments that made my night, and woke up to a very full inbox. Thank you! Also, yes I snuck out after dark to water the tomatoes, they are going to be fine! I watered them again this morning. There are no construction people over at my neighbor's yet, but they appear to be building a fence, so l'm going back insid

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Tagged: tomatoes , insects , FAIL , ridiculous , tifu , Reddit , funny

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Man's Drone Flying Skills Are Stupid Good

Wonder how the drone felt about getting so close to that lion.

Submitted by: (via Johnny FPV)

Tagged: impressive , cool , awesome , drones , Video , win

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Revenge Stories From People Pushed Too Far

Someone on AskReddit got a thread going about people that were pushed to their breaking point, and took revenge as a result. Everyone has their limits, and sometimes folks snap, glorious revenges result. Check out a recent pro revenge story that we ran about a tenant who outwitted a nasty landlord that tried to withhold their deposit.

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Text - sonia72quebec•5h My elderly Mother-in-law made a little wreath to put on the door of her apartment. A couple of days later some asshole complexity destroyed it. She was really sad about it. We put it back together and fixed it. I added lots of pointy needles. I put it back on the door. She told me that she heard some swearing at 6:30 in the morning. It was one of her neighbor. Reply 842 ...

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Text - Perunazz • 5h After 2 years of working somewhere and getting treated like shit, I didn't get a permanent contract and called in sick on my last day, because I hated that job. I had only called in sick once before for one day. After that they still said I had to come to work, so I just said sure l'll come and just didn't show up. That day off felt really good. Reply 1 2.5k ...

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Text - 2shy2bme • 11h 1 Award I threw a girls phone, who bullied my friend, out of a ferris-wheel after she asked me to hold it to take a selfie (my arms are long). She said my friend couldn't be in it because she was ugly. It felt really good. Reply 7.3k

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Text - ScarletHufflepuff • 8h I've followed the rules 100% that were laid out by my parents until I hit 18 and wanted to hang out with a group of friends. Thing is there needs to be adult supervision at all times when I go over to a friend's house. I got fed up, some of these people l've known for four years, and went anyway even though the hosting party's parents were not home. And nothing bad happened; all we did was play dungeons and dragons for five hours. Reply 4.4k ...

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Text - SomeGuylnSanJoseCa • 10h I was a teen and found $1000 in an ATM. This was one of those ATMS that had a place where the money would drop to. This was the early 90s - I don't think they just drop it anymore - they all retract back into the machine if you don't take it. But during this time, that technology didn't exist. I went to the bank to return the money. I was sick of this bank (I was an American expat in Singapore who needed a bank account, long boring story, but wanted to explain why

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Text - beanboy140 • 11h 3rd grade, stole erasers from book fair Reply 914 ...

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Text - Horizon317 • 6h I absolutely hate the grocery store next to my current workplace. They are just slow and take forever for anything. I am a Paramedic and one day during the morning was rather busy so we only got some sandwiches and something to drink from said grocery store because me and my coworker thought dispatch would send us out any minute. When I got to the check out I was already fed up with them because they needed 15 minutes for our 2 sandwiches and there were about 10 customers

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Text - ComeAlongPonds • 10h Another office sent head office ~$400 for selling complementary sports tickets to staff. It was left in a bottom draw for 9 months to see if they'd chase it down. Back in the day that bought a shitload of Christmas party after party drinks. Reply 18 ...

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Text - winemomther • 4h I am a v tame person so my story is relatively lame. When I studied abroad, I had two guys hitting on me. One was an elitist who had a lot of money, the other was a sweet, vanilla-y dude. I went on one date with each and then a group of students went to the club together after the second date I had with Elitist. Elitist kept insisting he wanted to buy me a drink but I said no because 1) I wanted to spend time with my sweet guy and 2) I felt like that would mean I owe him

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Text - Tokiw4 • 2h A simple one but a good one. There was a kid who sat in front of me in a highschool class. All year he would lean back in his chair, and would frequently lean his chair on my desk. One day I had had enough bullshit, so once he leaned forward I quietly moved my desk back a few inches. After picking himself off the floor, he never bounced his chair on my desk for the rest of the year. Reply 2 ...

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Text - ilovemyponchan • 7h Perfect attendance from kindergarten all the way to senior year in high school, until a girl asked me to ditch one hour with her. Suffice to say, that cost me an award. Reply 805 ...

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Text - When I worked as a grocery bagger, the bosses would have us clean and sanitize the butcher shop. It took about an hour. They could pay us $8 an hour to do it, or pay the journeyman meat cutter his hourly wage, so of course they chose us. It was such shit work, and being younger than 18 I wasn't really supposed to be working around that specific area (knives, cutting machines, etc.) Customers would come during the process and want something from the case, and we would have to stop what we

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Text - PhilipLiptonSchrute • 6h I was in the grocery store two weeks ago and did something bad. I go to a place with top-quality beef, and I buy boneless ribeyes that cost $21.99|lb on a regular basis. For some reason on my last trip, there were two packages (4 steaks total) that were marked as pork chops for $6.99. I dropped them both in my cart and went on my way. Reply 451 ...

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Tagged: satisfying , revenge , awesome , askreddit , ridiculous , Reddit , win

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