Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Tumblr Thread: Mystified Man's Able To Identify Superheroes


This fun Tumblr thread imagines a world where a man possesses the ability to see people's threat level (as numbers 1-10, with 10 being most dangerous) above their heads. From there, we see a fun scenario created where the guy is able to identify iconic characters like Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Wonder Woman, and Robin for what they really are. This inspires quite the funny picture. It would be rather confusing to see a whopping 10 above a billionaire's head. 

For some more gold from Tumblr, check out this fun thread that takes a look at the logistics behind Davy Jones' curse. 

1.

Text - writing-prompt-s You're a regular office worker born with the ability to "see" how dangerous a person is with a number scale of 1-10 above their heads. A toddler would be a 1, while a skilled soldier with a firearm may score a 7. Today, you notice the reserved new guy at the office measures a 10. wakeupontheprongssideofthebed You decide it's best to find out what you can about this person. Cautiously, you approach his desk. He's a handsome man, tall, but with a disarming smile. How could

2.

Text - He shakes your hand warmly. His gaze is piercing, as if he's looking right through you. "The name's Clark," he says. "So, how long have you worked for the Daily Planet?" misscrazyfangirl321 This one wins. janothar It's been a few weeks, and one of Clark's friends shows up. She's pretty and all, enough muscle that she must work out. First thought would be that she should be maybe a 6.

3.

Text - Clark's introducing her around. "This is my good friend, Diana, she's in from out of town." You blink, and take a step back in fear. You've never seen an 11 before. aniseandspearmint The day Bruce Wayne shows up for his long promised interview with Lois Lane, you can't help it, the mug your holding drops from your fingers and sends a shock of hot coffee and ceramic shards across the floor. Clark stops a few feet away and squints at you worriedly from behind those ridiculous glasses you're

4.

Text - You ignore him in favor of staring at the inky dark numerals hovering over the beaming fool gesticulating some fantastic yacht story for a gaggle of secretaries and minor columnists. That's it. Your gift has officially gone haywire. There is no other explanation. Because there is absolutely no way that Brucie Wayne is a 10. petitstar At this point, you've seen it all. Miled manner reporters and billionaires at a 10 and a model-like woman at 11. You were really starting to doubt your power

5.

Text - actuallyalivingsaint The day you started believing in it again was when you saw on tv the formation of something called the justice league. There were those same numbers over superman, batman, wonder woman and robin. That's when you put two and two together. You wonder how nobody at the daily planet noticed that Clarke was Superman with glasses. You wonder why you didn't notice. You wonder why nobody put two and two together that Diana Prince and Wonder Woman looked exactly the same. You

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Weather Forecast In Different British And Irish Accents


Fairly certain that a weather forecast has never been this British, and it's absolutely brilliant. 

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Aussie Pro Football Player Tells Mom Exciting Update, Mom Roasts Him


Wholesome and honest and just the kind of moment that warms the heart. Love this mom's sense of humor. 

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Celebrity Influencer's Job Listing For Assistant Gets Roasted


This absurd job listing shared by a celeb influencer looking for their new assistant got rightfully shredded to bits. People across Twitter were blown away by the ridiculous requirements on the listing. Pretty sure that nobody with a reasonable head on their shoulders would want to find themselves working this position. Hard pass. 

1.

Text - Personal Assistant to Influencer Confidential Los Angeles, CA Posted: July 29, 2020 Q more jobs like this Part Time Job Professional Personal Assistant to Large Celebrity A well known celebritylinfluencer with 10+ million followers is seeking a well organized/available/diligent personal assistant to join her team. This is a part time "Personal Assistant" position but will eventually transition to full time if properly qualified. The ideal candidate will be responsible for a large range of

2.

Text - services/other celebrities/friends, researching and preparing for all pre- production, production and post production activities, handling all personal tasks for the YouTuber, etc. You must be able to remain calm, rational, and hardworking at all times. You will have to answer your phone/be on call almost 24/7. You must keep all emotion/private life matters completely away from this world. You will deal with lots of incredibly private matters. You must be able to handle hundreds of small

3.

Text - -There will be opportunities for overtime/full day rates for travel. - - Responsibilities -Schedule, plan and prepare all filming, editing and posting (From Pre- production to production and post production)?--- -Managing, analyzing and reporting social media posting and performance (YouTube, Facebook, Tik Tok and Instagram) -Assist on minor video projects? -Plan and schedule calendar daily -Wake the client each day with schedule, Coffee, and all other requests -Constantly be letting maid

4.

Text - - Researching and communicating with brands sponsorship (commission available)? -All personal day to day tasks - - -MUST live 40-60 minutes away from Los Angeles -MUST have a car and be able to drive client anywhere at any time?. -Minimum of 1 year of experience with personal assistant or detail project management or similar job. -?Fluent in English -?Ability to handle multiple tasks while staying organized? -Ability to take ownership on each project -Ability to compartmentalize emotion a

5.

Text - caitie delaney @caitiedelaney · Jul 31 Replying to @TaylorLorenz HUNDREDS of small tasks at once Imaoooo 8 2.1K Dana Schwartz O @DanaSchwartzzz · Jul 31 It's the "wake up client with schedule and coffee" that's killing me. you're also a fucking butler lolol O 32 27 16 4.3K

6.

Text - Michael VanDeMar @mvandemar Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz @caitiedelaney and @TaylorLorenz For me it was the part time position that requires you to be on property 8 hours a day with 24/7 availability for $30/hour. In Los Angeles.

7.

Text - Mathew Ingram @mathewi Replying to @TaylorLorenz This mentions being without emotion like five times – not a good sign -

8.

Text - Hy-phen @That1kidvincent Replying to @TaylorLorenz Why are they listing tasks as questions? You will do this job? You will work these hours? You will have these tasks? Like, I dont fucking know, you're the boss, man.

9.

Text - porochista khakpour @PKhakpour Replying to @TaylorLorenz Why do they have to live 40-60 min from LA? No more than?

10.

Text - Jahmil @Jaeandthecity Replying to @TaylorLorenz On call 24/7 ?!! It says it pays 20-30hr does that mean they're getting paid 24/7?

11.

Text - MARLENA STELL @MarlenaStell Replying to @TaylorLorenz So many labor laws being violated here I don't know where to even begin... PLEASE protect yourself when taking any job like this. You legally can not be required to be available 24/7 without being paid and you cannot be required to use your own car- that's a liability.

12.

Text - Judge Existential Dredd @KevinCardoni Replying to @TaylorLorenz Ok we need odds on which influencer this could be. I'l start: Logan Paul and/or Jake Paul: Even money Kylie Jenner: 5:1 Kim K: 10:1 Khloe K: 20:1

13.

Text - Karl "New Tone" Devlet @hesanihilist Replying to @JessicaValenti and @TaylorLorenz I laughed way before pay rate when it said this is a "part time" position but must be "available by phone 24/7" and on the premises "8 hours a day" Any person considering this job should watch Swimming With Sharks first

14.

Text - Rob @robrousseau Replying to @TaylorLorenz I would rather die than do any of this for even one day

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Girl Gets Good At Game To Impress Guy, Guy Rage Quits


She honestly dodged a bullet on this one. What kind of dude has a meltdown and rage quits a game, just because the girl who fancied him got good at said game? Well, just the kind of emotionally stunted dude who was incapable of seeing a great thing right in front of him. At least she got to see the guy's true colors, and got good at a video game at the same time. 

1.

Text - r/tifu + Join u/kitamoo • 6d 3 1 3 1 2 TIFU by getting good at a game to impress a guy I had a crush on M Obligatory this happened over 5 years ago. I just saw a comment that reminded me of what happened so here we go. I used to play an MMO with a bunch of people I knew IRL. Out of all of them, I was the most interested in PvP but sucked at it. One day a new guy shows up. He used to play, but stopped for a few years. Everyone starts talking about how he was basically a legend, a god at 1v

2.

Text - I immediately developed an awkward crush on him. He heard I was into PvP and challenged me to a 1v1 where he promptly kicked my ass. Then he spent a lot of time condescendingly giving me tips on how to improve and said he would show me the ropes. Being a dork with a crush, I was so grateful for any attention he gave me. His idea of teaching me was basically beating me over and over again. After a few days of this, he got bored and stopped paying attention to me. I was embarrassed that I w

3.

Text - So after like 10 months of nonstop playing, I improved a stupid crazy amount. Managed to jokingly convince him to duel and I beat him. He thought it was a fluke and demanded a rematch. So we played again and I beat him again. He got so mad he changed his build to exactly counter mine, and he beat me. I was so happy because I thought he was into it, so I changed my build to counter his and beat him. And it turned into this stupid back and forth. I was having the time of my life. I thought

4.

Text - Anyways, he didn't log back on for a while and I heard from our mutual friend that he quit the game. He claimed he only came back temporarily from a break and needed to focus on real life job stuff or something. I did not connect that with beating him. I just thought the timing was bad and I was sad I wouldn't be able to see him around anymore. He never logged back on again. A few months later we had another IRL hangout and he basically ignored me. Then made a few pointed comments about h

5.

Text - TL;DR I got good at a game to impress a guy I liked, beat him, and turns out he didn't like girls who were into gaming and also quit the game. Edit: Fuck I wrote this on a whim before going to sleep. To clarify, he wasn't actually that good. It's like how everyone knows that one guy who's super good at Smash, but then goes to a local tournament and gets wrecked by actual pros. He was the best out of our little circle of friends, but wasn't actually top tier in the game. And at the end of

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Awkward Moments Caught on Tweet


Sometimes we're not so good at making our intentions clear. Awkward moments happen, but that doesn't make it much easier to forgive ourselves for walking into a Subway and confidently asking for a Meatlab FruitLoop. For some more funny stuff, here are funny tweets to give tat day a boost.

1.

Text - I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between "I have to pay a fine" and "I have to pay a fee" and I walked in and firmly stated "I have to pee" and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven't been back,

2.

Text - Just finished a NCAA drug test. I asked Mr. pee pee watcher what the largest penis he has seen at his job. He looked me up and down and said "a lot bigger than that". I did not wake up at 5am to be humiliated like this

3.

Text - R @RyanLangdon_ The elevator doors opened up and a guy walked in the elevator. It was just me and him in there and he said "I love you." And I'm not rude so I said "I love you too". He gave me a weird look and pointed at his Bluetooth.

4.

Text - Lucas @OFLaCar Meant to say "hold on for a second" and "give me a minute" to a customer and it came out as "hold me for a second" what a monday

5.

Text - gym leader khy @KlondikeBrat yesterday at target the cashier said "your receipt is in the bag" andI responded with "you too" so l've been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I'm slowly coming to terms with it which is cool

6.

Text - rachel @Rachel Bonacci i seriously need a job where i don't have to interact with people. I just asked a table if they were celebrating anything and when they said their dad's bday i brought them a bday table decoration and THEN they decide to tell me he's not coming because he's dead..

7.

Text - maskulla @MakVest I work at a bank and this lady came in with a $150,000 check and to make conversation I was like "oh wow I wish I had one of these" then she deadass was like "it's a life insurance check. I would rather have the person."

8.

Text - Calen @calen Iam at a food truck and this guy walks up and says "I'll have my usual" and the guy working says "I don't know who the hell you are."

9.

Text - xine @xineliza dude at pacsun asked for my number while i was cashing out and i was like oh sorry i'm not really interested hahah and this man looks at me and goes "i meant for the rewards program." why am i the dumbest human being alive 6/27/18, 11:40 AM

10.

Text - mirrortraffic: NEW DEVELOPMENTS apparently my mom is not even home and the person i hear puttering around the house is the carpet cleaning service I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR 20 MINUTES

11.

Text - Just been down Tesco getting a sandwich and some crisps and the lad at the checkout asked if I wanted to go for a drink. I toldhim I've got a fella So was flattered but I couldn't. He said "no, it's part of the meal deal." Never leaving the fucking house again.

12.

Text - Kayne not Kanye @kaynecaraway I blanked when l got to the counter at Starbucks and said "vodka soda" and she said "huh" and I said "huh" and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.

13.

Text - B @BenedictBridget My bf met my family for the first time & we we're playing catch phrase & his word was boner. Instead of skipping it like a normal person he said "something that Bridget gives me" right infront of my father

14.

Text - sav @s_rumer18 at Dick's, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out. today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy. after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said "would you like these in a bag?"

15.

Text - I was at the airport and the TSA agent told me to scan my license face down, but I just heard "Scan your face down" soI put my face on the scanner and waited. I wish this was a joke but no, it happened and the TSA guy could not stop laughing and now I have to go into witsec.

16.

Text - unclewhiskysrevenge So, I MEANT to say "oh crap, I left my phone in my car," but what I ALMOST said was "oh no, I left my cone in my phar," and damn, wouldn't that have been embarrassing, but I caught myself, and what I ACTUALLY said was "Ah, my fart cone." So anyway

17.

Font - My teacher gave me back some papers and I thought it said "Salsa" and I asked the person next to me why my teacher wrote salsa on my paper and then the person next to me was like "Uhm that says 59/59 not salsa" IM SO FUCKING DUMB Titizenshi Athens and F /hich Was the Be

18.

Text - Sooz @CruisinSoozan While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice! Sol waved back rather enthusiastically. She was washing her window.

19.

Text - envyadams: today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said "thanks" and half of me tried to say “you're welcome" and the other half tried to say "no problem" and i ended up saying "your problem"

20.

Text - FinalBawse 194 points · 5 years ago + I once walked into SubWay, asked for a "mootball feetlong", said "shit" directly afterwards, then walked out. I can never go back. Give Award Share Report Save

21.

Text - dr. echo @2earsandaheart Replying to @TheBloggess In college I went to a therapist for the first time & he asked me to tell him about my childhood. I got to "and then my parents got a divorce" & he nodded, writing in his notebook, & echoed "your parents got you a horse." He felt so bad but I couldn't stop laughing for 10 minutes

22.

Text - TechnicallyRon O @TechnicallyRon Went to get a haircut today. Barber: What do you do for a living? Me: I'm a writer, what about you? Barber: . .'m a barber We didn't speak for the rest of the haircut. I am happy to announce that I shall never be interacting with another human being again.

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The World's Best G-Rated Insults


Someone on AskReddit fired up a thread about the best G-rated insults that people have ever heard. The proper G-rated insult is its own kind of art form. It's an insult that doesn't rely on vulgarity to knock its recipient down a notch. Instead, it keeps the language clean and is more clever than anything else. If you enjoyed these G-rated insults, we recommend checking out some more rare insults to spice up the vocabulary.

1.

Text - n00rmal • 4h 1 Award "You look easy to draw" Reply 5.0k ...

2.

Text - Big-mood-energy · 4h "You have the communication skills of an alarm clock" Reply 1 2.6k ...

3.

Text - eDreadz • 4h 2 Awards A yound woman was being very rude to the restaurant staff so an old lady that over heard her said " Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be acting like that." Reply 1 4.2k ...

4.

Text - _Fengo • 6h 1 Award "If she was a spice, she'd be flour." Reply 2.7k ...

5.

Text - Deckham • 6h It's impossible to underestimate you. Reply 1.9k ...

6.

Text - too-many-critters • 6h When the toddler l'm babysitting came over, lifted up my shirt to expose my belly, then started squeezing my tummy pudge while saying 'squishy squishy'. I had salad for lunch the rest of the week... Reply 1 2.3k

7.

Text - El_CM • 6h F 1 Award Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn't it? Reply 4.0k ...

8.

Text - Rysilk • 4h You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom. Reply 2.0k ...

9.

Text - TrishiaH • 2h When my daughter was little (about 4), we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn't even look up and said "I think you have enough on your back to cover that." Reply 240 ...

10.

White - Guardvark • 7h Idiot sandwich Reply 828 ...

11.

Text - RadioMedic • 3h "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are." Reply 328 ...

12.

Text - Ourobius • 6h Your mother buys you Mega Blox instead of Legos. Reply 751 ...

13.

Text - krnoel • 6h 1 Award My oldest daughter called me Captain Hook when she was 3. She had run off to her room in a fit of rage and apparently that was the worst insult she could she come up with. Definitely a moment where I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing. Reply 3.4k liyououiouioui • 3h 1 Award A friend of mine had the same level of argument with her 3 yo son. He put all his tiny furor into a deadly "YOU POTATO".

14.

Text - Doofutchie • 3h I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. Reply 82 ...

15.

Text - poopellar • 6h You aren't that pretty to be this stupid. Reply 866

16.

Text - BErtNotBurt • 3h My brother once drunkenly called someone a non- essential vitamin Reply 212 ...

17.

Text - denominatorAU2 • 5h If your brain was dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow the wax out of your ears. If your brain was petrol you wouldn't have enough to power an ants motorbike half way around the inside of a fruit loop. Reply 390 ...

18.

Text - frachris87 • 4h From "Community", when Frankie really lays into Dean Pelton: "I have a rule about being constructive, so I can't ask any questions right now. Because all of the questions I have right now are rhetorical and they end with the word idiot. Do you know what a rhetorical, no of course you don't know what that is, you're an idiot. I'm sorry, I am so sorry. But you're so stupid. You have no idea. And you're the only one who has no idea, because guess why? Don't answer that, you'l

19.

Text - browncoat13• 2h l'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. Reply 1 40 ...

20.

Text - AardvarkAndy 7h You son of a motherless goat. Reply 176 ...

21.

Text - AsymtoticAsshat • 7h I fart in your general direction. Reply 410 ...

22.

Text - addisonavenue • 5h And you should be dumpster diving for ham scraps, you six piece chicken McNobody. Reply 1 32 ...

23.

Text - callieboo112 • 1h My daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show. Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too? Son: no i dont have a talent. Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing. Son: no it isn't. Burn Reply 15 ...

24.

Text - THACC- • 4h "If I dropped you into an alkaline solution, you would balance it." Reply 25 ...

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