Thursday, October 8, 2020

Man Drops Phone, Whale Takes Care Of Business


The whale is clearly some kind of paid actor. Also, whale was clearly trying to keep their ocean clean. Understandable. 

Submitted by: (via tuuuben)

Tagged: awesome , whale , ridiculous , Video , win

7th Grade Guitarist Plays Metal At School Talent Show, Shreds It


Whoever had to follow up this young legend's performance was doomed before they even started. The kid absolutely crushed it!

Submitted by: (via Tanner Benedict)

Tagged: metal , Music , school , awesome , talented , Video , win

Old Dude Paints Crisp, Straight Parking Lines


There's nothing like getting all the proper equipment out and doing some crisp, perfectly aligned lines of paint. Look at that. Perfectly straight, and right on the money. Do they sell ride-on line painters online? Why is this video only 40 seconds long. There's a movie here.

Submitted by: (via Vision Guy)

Literal Moments and Memes that are Technically Correct


If there's one thing that makes us feel less stupid than we actually are, it's our ability to be technically accurate. Sure, being technically correct about something doesn't make us any smarter, but it helps us further avoid the fact that we know way less than we think. Man is that comforting, just kicking your own stupid-can down the road.

1.

Text - tilthat TIL there is no physical description of Jesus in the Bible. via ift.tt volcel-official False Luke 2:52 He's larger than a baby amateuropinions By the description of him driving the moneylenders from the temple, we can also tell that he fit inside the temple, which gives us an upper bound as well as a lower bound on his size. veraxplus It's been said that Jesus Christ was larger than a baby but smaller than a temple Source: tilthat 3,075 notes

2.

Font - Chemistry books are just a bunch of atoms explaining atoms to a bunch of atoms. Chemistry PRENTICE HALL Wilbraham Staley Matta Waterman Chemistry

3.

Text - 100T Classy @Classify Wtf I can't believe after all that shit, they back together 4:41 PM 8/4/19 Twitter for iPhone 18 Retweets 381 Likes sidney @Viperous 17m Replying to @Classify Who? 02 103 100T Classy @Classify 16m MY ASS CHEEKS LMFAO0000 O 27 t7 24 467

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Album cover - Warning: this image contains sax and violins. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Text - Abbie @AbbieEvansXO yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you're square. all comes down to who's the faster cyclist

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Fictional character - You either die a hero, or live long enough to become a Sherlock Holmes FAN COMIC MAM SHERLOCK HOLMES SHERLOCK ENOLA HOLMES

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Tank - Mengo It works Spookamel Anybody Remember that stealth tank Poland unveiled back in 2013 What the fuck ever happened to it Show this thread

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House - Shoplifters when they see a shop

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Computer keyboard - Q W E Tab A S A Shift Ctrl Alt N ATTIDS

10.

Text - I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was. I said, "the muppet from Sesame Street." They told me, “he doesn't count!" | replied, "I assure you, he does."

11.

Library - Yes, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare. Which one? William. u/danceswithshrews

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Photography - PHOTO TAKEN WITHOUT FLASH PHOTO TAKEN WITH FLASH

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Motor vehicle - A very rare photo of the first ever mobile phone

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Text - Her:(whispers) I want you to make me scream with your fingers Me:"pokes her in the eyes super hard*

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Design - 36 155.8° Who are you, who are so wise Lin the ways of science?

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Text - Hey hon. Can a blond and a redhead have a kid with black hair? Today 10:37 AM Nope Someone cheated Sou Laimen Aboubacker What u mean by someone , obviously it's the mother 18 4 h Like Reply

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Sky - Legal, illegal, legal, illegal

18.

Canidae - Purebread dogs vs. inbread dogs

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Text - Talk To The Hatter @Talk_To_T... 22h 1) Butt and booty are synonyms. 2) Dial and call are synonyms. 3) YET Butt dialing is really different than a booty call. O 60 27857 3,889 1 Gabor Javorszky this is fine . @javorszky Replying to @Talk_To_The_Hat and @DrJenGunter "Forgive me father for I have sinned" And "I'm sorry daddy, I've been a bad girl" Have the same problem :D

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Room - Jacob TM @yourloyalpal Breakfast in bed

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Crab - If you hold a crab up to your ear YOU CAN HEAR WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ATTACKED BY A CRAB

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Hair - Obi-Wan Kenobi @the negotiator Who is this? Wrong answers only Mace Windu etakeaseat Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Master

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Cartoon - In an atom, the number of electrons 1 point is equal to: the number of neutrons. the number of electrons. the number of protons. That sounds sciency enough to be true

24.

Text - PUSH If That Doesn't Work PULL If That Doesn't Work We Must Be Closed.

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Face - Bullets only do their jobs after they're fired.

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Things People Said Under Anesthesia


People have a lot on their minds, and surgery drugs have a special way of letting all those things fall out. With that precious little filter stripped away, things get said that might be regrettable or completely nonsensical. Maybe the only thing that makes it all okay is that it's extremely common for people to say wild stuff while waking from anesthesia.

1.

Text - PoppingKittens 17.3k points · 7 hours ago O 2 2 e10 3 & 7 More My dad (italian) was waking up from anesthesia and kept looking at his asian nurse and saying he was so glad his daughter was with him. And that he loved his daughter. The nurses were confused, so they went out into the waiting to check for his daughter. I was the only one in the waiting area, and when they saw me and started hysteically laughing. I am korean by birth, but what adopted by my lovely Italian family :)

2.

Text - ThrowawayB2255 16.8k points · 7 hours ago This woman undergoing C-section under spinal anaesthesia + ketamine said 'Show my baby first to my brother-in- law, he deserves to see her first'. I sometimes wonder what happened to her marriage after that.

3.

Text - shitty_owl_lamp 9.3k points · 7 hours ago · edited 7 hour 2 I had double jaw surgery to correct my underbite. I took sign language in college. They typically don't wire your jaw shut anymore, they just use strong rubber bands, but you can still talk. I knew I'd be able to talk. Yet when I woke up from the surgery, apparently I kept trying to sign. The nurses were like: "Uhh, we don't know sign language, honey." Based on how little I remember from college, I'm certain it wasn't even good s

4.

Text - BjornBeetleBorg 7.5k points · 8 hours ago "I'm preparing to salsa dance"

5.

Text - neeeeerrrrrddddd 6.9k points · 7 hours ago The most memorable funny one was a guy who sat bolt upright, mime rolling a cigarette and tuck it behind his ear "saving it for 'ron" when I asked what he was doing. Anaesthesia can be a wild trip. The kids will always scream when they wake up

6.

Text - Audginator 6.2k points · 9 hours ago Not a medical professional, but my mom was 2 coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, "Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!" The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes.

7.

Text - rainbowsandlolipops 84 points · 3 hours ago Vet tech here. Dogs and cats come out of anesthesia in an assortment of different ways. But this one husky I swear lifted his head and said. “thank you" in that strange way that some dogs can actually sound human in their bark/voice. The other tech and I just looked at each other and said, “holy shit, did he literally just say that?!?!

8.

Text - Dachbodenluke 5.5k points · 8 hours ago I always start to compliment everyone I see after waking up from anesthesia. It's super important to me to 25 & 8 More compliment them it seems. "You nurses are doing such a good job! I hope you know that! Such a great job!" "Wow, you're all so beautiful! Why is everyone so beautiful?!" "Thank you for taking care of me. That's really nice of you!" "I love your eyes, they look kind and pretty!" I am not fully there yet, but I still always react the s

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Text - bc_poop_is_funny 13.3k points · 8 hours ago 2 Not anesthesia but delirium. Introduced the oncoming nurse to the patient. The patient gestured grandly around the room and said “(nurse's name), meet all my friends!!" ..to an empty room

10.

Text - kristenshortley 5.1k points · 6 hours ago Not medic but patient: I had appendix surgery after a preventive 2 day fasting (water was ok) and anesthesia hit me pretty hard. When I was told I had to use one of those plastic urinals or whatever because they said the abdominal effort could make me faint I just said: "I ain't gonna poop on a plastic tupper, If I pass out in the toilet like a hero, then let it be"

11.

Text - Songspiritutah 5.0k points · 7 hours ago e2 I was the patient, but right before Christmas a couple of years ago I had my gallbladder removed. In the recovery room as I was waking up I became obsessed with singing the 12 Days of Christmas song. I kept asking the nurses what order the verses were in. As they were wheeling me out of the room I heard a nurse belt out "Five golden rings!" Which was followed by everyone's laughter.

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Text - askmemyopinion 4.9k points · 8 hours ago That I look like a guy who worked for Bon Jovi

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Text - PLANETshaker22 4.7k points ·6 hours ago 2 Obligatory not a doctor, but I was the patient. I had to get my wisdom teeth removed at the hospital because they were, for lack of a better term, fucked. When I woke up, the nurse was going through the routine to make sure I was not brain dead. She asks me my name by saying "who are you?" I respond with, "I'm a lesbian." My parents were in the room. They didn't know at the time. That was how I came out.

14.

Text - original_4degrees 4.3k points · 7 hours ago 2 3 2 dislocated my shoulder in a way that my arm ended up stuck up over my head. Apparently, while all hopped up on demarol I was laughing hysterically while the doctor was standing on the table/gurney wrestling with my arm to get it back into the socket. I don't remember a thing.

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Text - JamesLilian 2.5k points · 6 hours ago 2 Oh god I woke up sobbing. I was convinced that I was married to Cedric Diggory and he had just been killed by Voldemort. I'm cringing so hard just thinking about it. I was inconsolable.

16.

Text - EllaCassi 2.3k points · 6 hours ago I gave a kid methoxyflurane after he broke his arm. When we got to the hospital he went into the paediatric section of the ED and there were stickers on the wall of sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn't one) and how it was trying to be friends with elmo but elmo didn't want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands.

17.

Text - fatiguedaardvark 1.7k points · 6 hours ago edited 53 minutes ago The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of burger king breakfast afterwards. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting and I rarely got fast food. They ended up running behind that day so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10). The first words out of my mouth were "What time is

18.

Text - Feisty_Monkey 1.4k points · 7 hours ago When my brother was waking up after a surgery, my mother was there taking care of him but he couldn't stop laughing. When he was finally able to squeeze out a few words he said: "mom, hahaha, mom your so ugly!"

19.

Text - thedreamlan6 1.3k points · 7 hours ago IANAD but when my sister got her wisdom teeth out she screamed in the car until we stopped and let her out (near our house) and she sprinted back to the house because she wanted to race the car... I need to go find that video

20.

Text - theseattlegirl 957 points · 7 hours ago I sat straight up in the bed (they tell me) and shouted "I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!" Then I turned to a nurse and pleaded, "Okay, ma'am?"

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Text - FunnyQueer 921 points · 6 hours ago Woman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, “David! That alarm clock has a nose and it's running! Wipe it!"

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Text - sparecoochmaam 510 points · 5 hours ago I had gotten 4 wisdom teeth out in July, and I was under anesthesia for an hour. When I was done, I woke up in a chair and asked the nurse where I was. She said I was at the dentist and I said "STILL?????? JESUS CHRIST." And she thought that was funny. On the drive home, there was a turtle in the road! My mom stopped to let him pass and I got out and tried to catch him. I have a video of me laughing at the turtle.

23.

Text - ForgeDwarf 282 points · 8 hours ago I didn't hear this directly but I was told about a guy that made a Futurama reference and told the doctor to tell his wife he said hello. Guy was single.

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Text - laurencelara22 3.6k points · 5 hours ago S Had a patient come into recovery after surgery. She farted so long and loud the entire 20 bed unit heard her. Then she said "I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte, I got a headache". As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter but that didn't stop patients from turning into hyenas.

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Wholesome Tumblr Dragon Story Makes Way for Dumb Pun


Tumblr ain't nothing without a writing prompt or two, and this short dragon thing is at least a little nugget of wholesomeness to spend some time on. For a bigger one, here's a tumblr thread on angels and demons bonding over sandwiches. The cogs of Tumblr are always turning out random tumblr gems.

1.

Text - write-it-motherfuckers Early one morning, you pull down your favourite cup, only to find a small dragon, curled up and sleeping contentedly inside. archmarastyden Confused and still half asleep you take the cup outside to empty the dragon carefully onto the grass, then return to rinse your cup and make coffee. The next morning he is back, curled snuggly inside the cup as before and you repeat the process.

2.

Text - After a week of repeating this process you make him a little bed complete with whatever pocket change you have left over from the day to give him a little treasure hoard, he is ecstatic with his new treasure, but nevertheless every morning when you go for your coffee there he is; snuggled up inside the small cup. Another few days pass and when you decide to move his bed into the cabinet to see if he'll choose the cup or the treasure, and for some reason he values the cup more highly than

3.

Text - up. You decide to place the cup inside the bed, and offer it to the dragon as his latest addition to his hoard. You think to yourself that if he's going to stay this dragon will need a name and you start sorting through several intimidating, dragonly names before finally deciding to call him Folgers; after all, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. E write-it-motherfuckers That pun was heinous, I love it. Very well done Darling. #i in no way endorse puns #but it was very nice

Submitted by:

Tagged: dragon , wholesome , tumblr , clever , puns , lol , silly , story , dumb

Wrong Number Texts That Inspired Hilarious Results


Every wrong number text is an opportunity waiting to be seized. These wrong number texts absolutely inspired hilarious results. Beautiful work by whoever it was that came back with that photoshopped Nicholas Cage pic. 

1.

Face - Call Add to Contacts Text Message Sep 7, 2013, 11:03 PM Sorry wrong number Sep 8, 2013, 8:21 AM Text Message Sen

2.

Text - You s t.. I hate ur guts.. u ave ruined my lyf. y did u ave 2 sleep wiv my man?? we was soo happy tilu came along ( your dead iflcu. *sighs* ok where shall I begin. your* you* have* life*why* you* have to with* until* you're* see* you* Gosh did you even go to school? WTF?? Who do YOU think YOU are? Your dead meat bi h:© You're** F K YOU BI

3.

Text - Hey baby im jus chillin if you wanna come over.. She gave you the wrong number brotha Read 2:48 PM FLk

4.

Text - Hey mate my names Mario, just wanted to know if I could come and take a look at the car you have for sale ? After 5pm is good for me, when r u available? Cheers I should be should be available after 6 tomorrow 19/10/2011 9:31 PM Good night beautiful can not wait to have u in my arms love n miss u heaps Хохох Look man l'm just interested in the car.

5.

Text - Nov 20, 2012, 1:43 PM Wrong number. Yep. My bad

6.

Text - Messages Dude Edit Dude are you ready to party!!! Umm who is this? Oh sorry wrong number Bye .but I want to party.

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Text - Heyy girl Paige gave me ya number send me the pic ! This one? OMG WRONG NUMBER BUT AHAHHАНАНАА THAT JUST MADE MY DAY Glad to be of service

8.

Text - Who's this? why Are you a boy or girll I'm a grill What's yourr name? :) George foreman I thought u were a girl? no, im a grill Oh

9.

Canidae - Who this Who is this Aug 4, 2013, 1:58 PM Stop sending me pictures of a cat

10.

Text - Hey Sophie! :D Who is this? Lol you gave me your number no more than five minutes ago. I think she gave you the wrong number... Ouch I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO

11.

Face - Jesica Jessica? Do I look like a Jessica? Delivered

12.

Text - This is the standard cable This is a standard cat. Who is this? Delivered Hahahaha wrong person, nice cat!

13.

Bald eagle - hey are you free on Tuesday? I want to see a movie or something damn right i'm free this is america

14.

Text - Aug 5, 2011 8:55 PM Your father just died Took him long enough, he's been buried since 1994 You're a ruder , all you had to say was wrong number No, YOU are the rude a if someone's dad dies they deserve an actual phone call, not an F'n text

15.

Cartoon - T-Rex you raisin' the roof tonight yo'? If I were a t-Rex there would be ZERO possibility of me raising a roof with those tiny arms. Wrong number brontosaurus!

16.

Text - Hey girl it's Melanie from old navy could you take my 4:45-9 shift tonight? Yea l'd love to take your hours Yay thanks you're the best! Aug 23, 2011 16:00 Btw you have the wrong number, you should probably get ready for work...

17.

Text - Jul 29, 2012 12:16 PM Hey I just met you. And this is crazy. You have the wrong number. I don't know that baby.

18.

Text - Hey this is maria Nov 6, 2012, 12:19 PM Hello! This is Dog! Wht up Is tht ur dog Text Message Send ner

19.

Text - Hi im looking for a girl that is single Who is this lol I don't know u..but u got the txt.so So you got this number how?... By txting a random number.im chill ok..but if u don't want to talk kool. Wow that's ridiculously creepy.

20.

Photography - ( Messages Sending... Details PU RED iMessage

21.

Text - Text Message Apr 13, 2012 8:54 PM Why did you break up with Dani? Cuz she tried licking my b thole one time and you know homie don't play that sh. Ohh. Woww. Lmao Hahahaha l'm jk you got the wrong number

22.

Text - Mom wants you to call her 6:20 PM Who is this 8:51 PM Andrea 10:22 PM Wrong number and you got me in an unnecessary 30 min conversation with my mother so thank you for that. 10:23 PM

23.

Product - Wrong number Wait I want one This number was listed as a vets office I take good care of dogs For free No No one needs 7 dogs You are being selfish

24.

Product - Text Message Today 1:34 PM Can you text me some pics of me that you have in your phone we took that night Who is this? Dorothy Good times.

25.

Text - I'm in love with you To whom do I owe the pleasure? I must have the wrong number is this not Ashley? No...but don't let that stop you from loving me. I'm worth it. Lol send me a picture

26.

Text - U know I kinda like u to 3:34PM Me? MMS 3:39PM Nooooo 3:40PM

27.

Text - Hey Mary, need to come in for a hair cut. Let me know a time. Thanks, Jeff Will either if these styles work for you? Ahh no Then you should probably call Mary instead

28.

Text - Yo is this kelsi? It's brian No this is Jake from State Farm. What ru wearing jake from state farm Uh. Khakis? Well u sound hideous Yo jake my girlfriend cheated on me. am I covered? You're covered Brian! We will replace your girlfriend with a newer model. Sweet but will my rates go up The only thing going up is your future, bro.

29.

Text - Hey rachyl do you remember me it's tajlea Hey rachyl do you remember me it's tajlea Wrong number Whats your number then Whats your number then

30.

Face - Sunday 12:29 PM Good afternoon Who is this Wrong number guy, sorry Tony from the bar last night Deliverec

31.

Washing - Hey, this is anthony from bread co are you coming to work today? Yes When? You know... Whenever. 'll get there. Scheduled at 4, kinda need you now!

32.

Product - iMessage Yesterday 11:48 PM Today 9:06 AM Read 9:36 AM

33.

Facial hair - Hi Wendy how are you and your girls Ok i will b there in a bit thank you IMessage Gonna have to cancel-- I'm eating a late lunch. Although, you're probably wanting to meet with Wendy and not me, huh? I ain't never been called Wendy before. Sent as Text Message iMessage Fri, Jul 31, 5:54 PM Hey this is the cake i ordered for my nephew it was 35.00 Looks great! Delivered Na i can go later miss you guys Sorry Keep getting number wrong

34.

Text - I think i have the wrong number TODAY 21:13 I just thought id should tell you. Youre boyfriend made me pregnant 20:44 a Messages you send to this chat and calls are now secured with end-to-end encryption. Tap for more info. Oh no! Which boyfriend? 20:45 / What do you mean which boyfriend? this is serious! 2113 20:46 Im sorry 21:13 This is very serious! But you're gonna have to give me a little more to go on here. Well not as sorry as Sam's going to be 20:47 / 21:14 Samuel! Sam knocked me

35.

Adaptation - H+ AT&T Me: Messages (2) I think you had the wrong number Yesterday, 12:38 PM Yesterday, 12:14 PM t

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