Thursday, August 6, 2020

Morning Show Host Tries To Shame Bill Burr, Fails Miserably


One doesn't go after Bill Burr unless they are ready for complete and utter destruction. 

Submitted by: (via uwho22)

Man Accidentally Livestreams Wife Discovering His Tinder Account


Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight. 

Submitted by: (via League Best Plays)

Tumblr Thread: Entitled Coworker Can't Handle Service Job


Some people are more sheltered from the grueling stresses of service jobs, than others. That being said, this coworker was in for a nice, humbling reality check. Check out some more totally random Tumblr treasures over here.

1.

Text - fuck-customers A lot of them probably wouldn't last at your job Last year I had an internship at a fancy office during the day, and a food service job at night. One of the ladies at the office told me she needed a part-time job for some extra cash, and I let her know about an opening in my food service job, described what would be expected, all of that.

2.

Text - Guys. She quit after one (1) shift, called me the next day, and ranted, "You never told me it was going to be that hard, is that what you do every night?! I'm not 20 anymore, l'm 50, I can't believe they only pay you $9.50/hr to do all that work!" [For the record, I had coworkers who were 65+] She was shocked when I explained that yeah, most food service jobs require you to stock heavy boxes, work the register, and learn to cook/prep food, then clean up before you go home. It never occurr

3.

Text - jadelyn I've told this story before l'm sure, but when I got my first office job and escaped retail hell, I tended to stay at my desk on my breaks. My manager, well- meaning, passed by and reminded me to make sure I took my breaks and got up and got away from my desk regularly. I kinda laughed and said "Tanya, I worked retail before this. This entire job is a break, to me. I get to sit down all day. Just let me enjoy that."

4.

Text - And I still think about it sometimes when I'm in the breakroom in the morning. How I have the unspeakable luxury to take my coffee cup, go to the kitchen, wash the cup out, pour myself a new cup of coffee, chat with coworkers if anyone's in the breakroom while l'm doing that, and then head back to my desk before I really *start* my day. Without worrying that I'm going to get in trouble or be seen as slacking off. As opposed to the rushed "toss your purse in a locker, clock in, and get out

Submitted by:

Millennial Gets Brutally Honest About Financial Stability


This dude asked the people of Reddit whether or not they were in the wrong for getting brutally honest about the source of their financial stability, with their coworkers. People seem to be in agreement that this wasn't uncalled for at all. 

1.

Text - r/AmltheAsshole u/No-Wing-868• 1d + Join 1 1 5 1 AITA for being brutally honest about my financial stability? Not the A-hole So l'm 26, I have no student debt, and I own a condo outright. My coworkers and office are very anti-young people and constantly rag on "those millennials" and their "financial irresponsibility". I'm one of 4 people under 30 in the office, and my coworkers are usually shocked by my age.

2.

Text - They know I have no college debt because I mentioned it once, and I mentioned in passing that I had bought a condo. On the last happy hour zoom meeting, they started in on their talk. I tried to gently defend my generation only to have them say that I shouldn't because unlike them, I'm actually responsible, and I prove that millennial actually COULD do it if they really tried. Here's the thing. My aunt died when I was 8, and she basically left enough money and time for my parents to inves

3.

Text - Condensates • 1d • Partassipant [1] NTA. its hard to be honest about inheritance in our "bootstrap" soceity but thank you for doing so. Im so sick of people blaming other people for being poor, as if its our own fault that jobs pay less and houses cost more these days. I know 8 people in their 20's or early 30's who own a house or condo and 7 of those 8 either inherited money or won a settlement for major physical body harm. And all of these people work real, salaried jobs that make use o

4.

Text - Oldladyo • 1d • Asshole Enthusiast [6] NTA. You should defend Millennials, just as you would defend any other group that was under constant criticism. I am ashamed of older people when they look down on people your age. They really have no idea how much the world has changed, how much more expensive education, car loans, mortgages, rent... Are in comparison to what they used to pay. They live in their own reality, and someone does need to set them straight. Good for you! Reply 543 ...

5.

Text - Blueberry_Lemon_Cake • 1d NTA. I'm currently on furlough and am not freaking out as much as other people, because I am privileged enough that if my unemployment were to stop, l'd have enough money to live on for 15-18 months. While several thousand of that was from working and saving, the vast bulk of it was a settlement from an accident. So literally, my financial security is because I got hit by а car. Also seriously, fuck them. I'm so tired of people not realizing that the economy now

6.

Text - caspiam • 1d • Pooperintendant [51] NTA but im not sure why you even engaged with them at all on this. I'd be ignoring it or hey, if you want to fight back, there is PLENTY wrong with their generation. Or you can say, you can keep shitting on my generation but i'll just bust out 'ok boomer' in response. They hate that. Reply 3.7k ...

7.

Text - catlady9851 • 1d NTA. I think part of the reason older generations have gotten so out of control with their criticism is that they were taught and taught their kids that contradicting someone is rude. It's not. Especially if they're wrong. Stop coddling them. Reply 250 ...

8.

Text - loomsie • 1d • Partassipant [2] 1 Award Hit them with an OK Boomer whilst savagely eating an avocado. NTA Reply 213 ...

9.

Text - ZennMD • 1d • Partassipant [1] NTA and good for you for not letting them use you as an example for their narrative. (And sorry for your losses! ) Sometimes people don't want to recognise how much luck and not hard work dictate their good situation as it challenges their worldview, the younger generation DO have it quantitatively more difficult than the older gen, much less factoring in the environment, mental health issues etc I would even pull out some cost comparisons to show how much m

10.

Text - Hedwygy • 1d • Certified Proctologist [24] 3 1 Award NTA. "Success" is 99% inheritance, either direct money or networking through family. Reply 30.2k ...

11.

Text - yerebelstale • 1d NTA. i often have to explain to my own parents (who gave me most of these advantages in the first place???) that i'm not special, just lucky. i suspect that previous generations tend to attribute their success to innate worthiness (and thus feel they are better than people who are less financially successful). when those of us who are similarly comfortable don't subscribe to that belief, it challenges their own sense of worth. Reply 30 ...

12.

Text - alexatd • 1d NTA. I'm now in this boat too and it's weird. My mom died and suddenly l'm financially set for life? It's horrifying and strange? Honestly I think Boomers need to realize: the only way their Millennial children (or grandchildren?) will survive is if they die and leave us their assets. Womp. (Though, to my own credit... I paid off my own student loans, early... b/c I have THREE JOBS--one of them writing books and I got a good book deal. Hashtag Millennial generation lol.) Repl

13.

Text - famousanonamos • 1d • Asshole Aficionado [16] NTA. But also don't sell yourself short. Yes you were lucky getting inheritances, but it sounds like you are being responsible with what you were given. You shouldn't feel obligated to defend an entire generation, I would just try to stay out of those conversations. Reply 62 ...

14.

Text - witnesstomylife • 1d NTA. You're just luckier than some people and it's better to be honest about it because most millenials/ older gen z who are independent are struggling. we *can't* pull ourselves up by our bootstraps because...well, are we even wearing boots to begin with? Reply 5 ...

15.

Text - Toastie91 • 1d NTA, and chances are a lot of the folk ragging on millenials are in fact millenials, gen y range for people born 1981 until 1996 so the oldest millenials are 39 this year. Also having family members is almost never a pleasant experience (I'm sure there are exceptions that would make it pleasant for some but that is irrelevant), these people are just jealous that their life isn't going as well as yours (that being in the generally accepted life plan for people, education, ma

16.

Text - BisquickNinja • 1d NTA I understand trying to defend your position. Honestly though, you don't owe your coworkers shit, no explanation, no breakdown, no talking, nothing. You life is your own and you do not need to justify it to anybody. As they say "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt"... Let the imagination of those fools run wild. Reply ...

17.

Text - YewsDid911 • 1d Nta but at the same time you saying that kinda proved them right in a way. Unfortunately now they are going to be going back to their generalizing.

18.

Text - KittybotANI091 • 19h NTA. These old farts need to know that life isn't easy these days. I've worked my ASS off for years, I have about 13k in student loans for two semesters of community college, one of which I couldn't finish due to illness and my dad dying, so nothing to show for it. I was a single mom who only managed to get out of my mom's house because I found a duplex a lady was renting for $450, and she probably thinks that's the average rent around here. She kicked me out because

19.

Text - Now, at 30 and 31, we're finally at a level of "almost comfortable" but I'm so used to being poor that having anything in savings, or a little left over in my checking makes me insanely anxious because I can't figure out the numbers for my bills if I'm not down to the last cent. Why do I have this money, where did it come from, where does it belong, what did I forget to pay? My husband is currently getting unemployment, and his job might not still exist after things open back up. Similar

Submitted by:

Tumblr Post: Big Buff Dudes Can Be Kind Too


This Tumblr post makes the world feel like a less scary and formidable place.

1.

Text - nOrma1-people-sxare-me A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their conversation was "he's got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he'd be more comfortable" and it made me realise the world isn't all that bad fitzefitcher #this is team skull

2.

Text - its-just-a-phage The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every side of the pen were huge signs saying "You can pet me, but don't pick me up!" One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm and asked him "did you see the sign?" He said "yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don't pet them!"

3.

Text - Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said "I didn't read it right did 1?" And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said "its ok, i know you've got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits" And I still haven't gotten over that interaction.

4.

Text - flowernstt I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He's a little thing tbh we call him short and long. So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like "hey can my buddy and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your's is so small I think it's a good place to start."

5.

Text - Ofc I was like "yes he's very friendly!" So this guy brings his equally big friend over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big man number one asks "can I pick him up?" And i say yes so he picks him up and puts him on man number two's lap and man number two is abt to freak out and his friend straight up just goes "hey man, it's okay just relax l'd never let anything hurt you. He's a good boy." I'll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at me

Submitted by:

Man Defeats Petty Roommate With Padlock


Sometimes the best way to confront a rude roommate is to one up them on their annoying antics. This guy executed his petty revenge beautifully. Glad the problem was resolved. 

1.

Text - r/pettyrevenge + Join u/bye_ren • 2y Roommate takes my stuff, but gets salty when I take his. So I get petty. Okay a little backstory on this. I moved into my apartment in September, it's my first apartment and I moved in with a high school friend of mine who also happened to be looking for somewhere to live. He had always been wonderful with paying bills and to this day, we haven't had any issues with that. The only issues we've had are with his dog and the premise of this story, food/al

2.

Text - Now, from the beginning we had the agreement that everything in the fridge was fair game and same with the pantry. Being the only one that truly cooks in the house, almost all the food is mine. I didn't mind him eating the food, he would occasionally bring us home food from work (he works at a restaurant). However, my boyfriend being 5 years older than us(25), was also legally able to drink. My roommate turned 21 in November, so he was unable to buy his own alcohol and he would bum a lot

3.

Text - He continues by saying, "That's not the point, I told you not to touch them, so answer yes or no to what I said." Again, we had agreed everything was fair game. So l was a bit taken aback by this. I didn't understand why he could take my stuff and then get mad when I took his, but I said fuck it and said I wouldn't take his stuff. So, after a long weekend away, I come back and he had COMPLETELY emptied the fridge of most foods and ALL the alcohol (including mine!) and bought a mini fridge

4.

Text - was furious. First, I bought ALL of that, second, he always gives me shit about running up the electric (which I don't do, we just have electric heating) yet he buys a mini fridge! So I took the logical next step. I put a padlock on the pantry, fridge, and freezer because EVERYTHING in there was bought by me. He apologized as soon as he saw it, got rid of the minifridge and after I took off the padlocks, never complained about me taking stuff again.

Submitted by:

Teacher Thinks Diabetes Pump is Phone, Tries to Confiscate It


What is a diabetes pump for but injecting drama into a school? Sure this is technically entrapment, but the trap has been set. Not many students are given the opportunity to make their teacher look like an ass. Here are some wild junk teachers said as well as the story of an overly strict teacher telling a student not to speak.

1.

Text - r/MaliciousCompliance · Posted by u/Sugar_Daddy24 20 hours ago Phone? Sorry, just my diabetes pump. oc M Just found this sub! This story dates back to my senior year of high school (2013). My school was quite small, we had a graduating class of 92 so everyone knew everyone. All the teachers were amazing and very involved in our academic lives, but for the most part had nothing but good intentions. Unfortunately there was 1 teacher, our English AP teacher, who was just an absolute jerk. Sh

2.

Text - I decided to fuck with her one day because she was quite clearly in a pissed off mood and the opportunity was perfect. I was standing in line for lunch and I got my pump out (I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 8 and I have had a pump since 9). It looks a whole lot like a cell phone other than the tube running from it to my body. Without really looking closely it can easily be confused with a cell phone. She sees me playing with my pump and comes over to me. This is obviously not exact w

3.

Text - Me: Um no, I need this to live. Teacher: Give it to me now, I will not ask again. Me: No, leave me alone I just want to eat my lunch. She then grabs my arm and drags me to the principal's office. I was very close to the principal as I was the class president so I spent a lot of time with her planning school events and such. Teacher: This student had their phone out during lunch, refused to give it to me, and was rude and back talked me. Principal: Is this true (Me)? Me: No ma'am, my cell

4.

Text - Teacher: I saw you playing with it in line! Principal: (Me), please give us your cell phone. Me: Okay, follow me to my locker then. Teacher: No, give it to us now, it is in your pocket. Me: No it's not. Teacher: Then empty your pockets. I proceed to empty my pockets which was a pack of gum and then I have my pump in my hand because it's connected to me so I can't put it on the table. Teacher: Why would you lie to me when you obviously have it in your hand? Me: This is my diabetes pump.

5.

Text - Teacher: Why didn't you tell me? Me: You never asked if it was a cell phone, you just tried taking it away from me. Teacher: This is ridiculous, you need to show more respect. Principal: I think we are done here, Teacher you can leave I will talk with (Me). Teacher leaves and is quite obviously pissed off about the situation. I tell Principal the truth about the trap I set for Teacher and that I hope she isn't pissed at me and I won't do it again. She chuckles a little bit, tells me to go

Submitted by:

Ignorant Folks Getting Slammed with Facts


It must be hard being an anti-vaxxer or flat-earther. You have to dodge so much information! Here are some folks getting hit with some satisfying displays of weaponized knowledge. For comebacks with less science and more funny, here are clever comebacks from spicy silver tongues

1.

Text - Your Netflix binge-watching makes climate change worse, say experts. The emissions generated by watching 30 minutes of Netflix is the same as driving almost 4 miles 36 minutes ago A server hour can cost less than 1 cent all included. Netflix can probably serve multiple customers at 1 cent per hour. Even if all that cost is energy bills (it's not, there's real estate, capital costs, and markup included), that's .1kWh. 4 miles at .411kg per milel2l is 1.6kg of co2. .1kWh of electricity at 0

2.

Text - Jessica Meir @Astro_ Jessica My first venture >63,000', the space equivalent zone, where water spontaneously boils! Luckily l'm suited! 10h 0:04 3 84 230 @Astro_Jessica Wouldn't say it's spontaneous. The pressure in the room got below the vapor pressure of the water at room temp. Simple thermo ithelpstodream Some guy just mansplained space to an actual fucking astronaut. tedbroiler tfw correcting misinformation is written off as mansplaining darwinquark tfw when idiots on tumblr who know

3.

Text - Ross Tucker @Scienceofsport 3d However, even without that recent evidence, the biological principles for separation into men's and women's categories in sport are so strong that to overturn it requires exceptional evidence (2/) 95 2767 432 Kaz Self @SelfKaz 4h Are you a biologist? Are you a scientist? Have you got a PhD? Published a paper in a peer reviewed journal? If not then STFU. O 15 Ross Tucker O @Scienceofsport Replying to @SelfKaz and @sharrond62 Yes, yes, yes and yes.

4.

Skin - Was trying to think of the least scary thing I could be for Halloween...so I became the measles d Would you like to accompany me on my rounds? You can tell our measles encephalitis and viral sepsis patients, the ones in comas and seizures and high fevers, that their suffering isnt all that bad and is just being exaggerated by "Big Pharma" and clueless quacks who "HaveNt DoNe THEIR RESEARCH" like me. You can even assist with the spinal tap! Read your favorite vaccine insert to them while t

5.

Text - B.o.B Follow @bobatl The cities in the background are approx. 16miles apart... where is the curve ? please explain this murderedbywords With the circumference of 24901 miles, you are looking at a curvature of around .2 degrees, or a little more than 10 feet at 16 miles away. May I say, that curvature is still significantly higher than your IQ. 4d 4 likes Reply Stitch It!

6.

Text - When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below Freezing to 300 c. The Russians used a pencil. basilton: In the early years of space flight, both Russians and Americans used pencis in space. Unfortuna

7.

Text - I once drank 3.5L of whiskey in one night and didn't get a hangover. I'm convinced I'm immune to them. No matter how hard I try I can't make it happen I just wanna understand why people complain about them. Like Reply 20m You want to know why something sucks? Like Reply 15m >3.5l of whiskey Sure you did Like Reply - 7m | This is one I am calling for 500, Alex. With generous assumptions (ie. assuming low proof whiskey, large body mass, etc.), 3.5L of whiskey at 33% is 65 (US) standard drin

8.

Cheezburger Image 9530096896

9.

Text - Tweet Good perhaps ppl will realize that you won't die from the measles and it strengthens your immune system organically and not in some unnatural way. Ethan J. Lindenberger @ethan_Joesph16 Replying to @Nards649499551 and @FullFrontalSamB Oh man. I'm so glad 158,000 people have stronger immune systems. Oh wait...actually that's the death total of measles from 2011. 08:50 4/5/19 Twitter for iPhone ili View Tweet activity

10.

Text - shared post. 39 mins - ADDERALL CRYSTAL METH esteivay ar oopm For those of you who take adderall & swear you aren't a meth head. e Like Comment Share 3 As a biochemist, I have a duty to point out that the extra methyl group sticking out could increase affinity for neurotransmitter receptors by a factor of 100. possibly even in the 1000x-10000x range. That's a huge thing to consider It's this kind of affinity difference that causes carbon monoxide to kill you if it's in high enough concent

11.

Text - Alexander J.A Cortes @AJA_Cortes Unnatural hair colors in woman are a warning signal to stay away, Its an example Aposematism-the phenomenon of poisonous animals in nature advertising their toxicity and lethality JulieG @stringy Replying to @javafour and @Ennaaseret7 Aposematism is there to warn off predators, not sexual partners. If you're repelled by it, it's working.

12.

Text - Here is my completely unvaccinated boy so happy and content. With a fully functioning immune system working how it should without being compromised #vaccinefree 02 Repiying to That's a nice immune system he has there. It'd be a shame if Measles infected his macrophages, silenced his dendritic cells, and killed his memory cells wiping his learned immunity.

13.

Text - 65% 4:18 PM Replies ginganz13 7 months ago g Foxes are Lupine, not Canine - completely different species. The problem with putting more effort into sounding authoritative than being accurate is; you reveal that you are an idiot. 1.8K TierZoo • 6 months ago (edited) "Canine" is the layman term for all animals in the family "Canidae", which includes every animal in this list plus a few more (like the bush dog and the raccoon dog.) The problem with putting more effort into sounding smug than

14.

Text - Fact- if the earth was 10 ft closer to the sun we would all burn up and if it was 10 ft further we would freeze to death.. God is amazing! Sunday at 11:04am via Text Message Like Comment and 4 others like this. Wow..that's crazy! Sunday at 11:07am via Facebook Mobile Like I knooooow! Sunday at 11:08am-Like Amen Sunday at 11:08am Like to anyone wondering, that's not true. 1)Earth's orbit is eliptical and the distance from the sun varies from around 147 million kilometers to 152 million kil

15.

Text - + Replies + Replies п-пехапог Luke Z-Hex-3-enol This is a standard vaccine E-Hex-2-enol composition. Which of these chemicals do you object to having in your body? n-Hexyl-2-methylbutanoate n-Heptanol Camphor n-Octanol Ethanol Propyl acetate 2-Methylpropyl acetate Propanol n-Butyl acetate 2-Methylpropanol 2-Methylbutyl acetate n-Butyl propanoate n-Butanol n-Oct-2-enol 1-Methoxy-4-(2-propenyl)-benzene 24 m Like Reply Truly. Luke all of them 3 m Like Reply n-Pentyl acetate 2-Methylbut-3-eny

16.

Text - Your generation invented the "need" for expensive pills and potions with nasty side effects rather than taking responsibility and living with your problems. 1h Like Reply D 17 The Credible Hulk "Your generation invented the "need" for expensive pills and potions with nasty side effects rather than taking responsibility and living with your problems." - There are so many things wrong with this statement that it's difficult to know where to start. 1. The term "need" is utterly meaningless w

17.

Text - alex e @bahayogi Actually, soaps do help. The virus is a self-assembled nanoparticle and the weakest link is the lipid bilayer. When you wash your hands with soap it dissolves the fatty membrane and the virus falls apart thus becoming "inactive". Please wash your hands. TheeSkinnyLegend TM @MyLifeAsR.. · 1d Fun fact: antiBACTERIAL soaps that kill 99.9% of bacteria, do nothing against VIRUSES. And corona is in fact a VIRUS.

18.

Text - l 2degrees ? 12:14 AM Tweet Kind reminder. The X chromosome contains 1098 genes. The Y chromosome has only 78 genes. The X chromosome is over 5 times larger than the Y. Its science. Female are superior. By far. Hence hundreds of years of chauvinism to try suppress her. Goodnight. 19/02/18, 10:34 PM 19 Retweets 75 Likes Mh Replying to Onions have more DNA than humans Tweet your reply Q

19.

Lip care - It contains more than 4,000 chemicals and it has spread into every human body on Earth. Among its components are formaldehyde, acetone, ethanol, ketone bodies, dihydrogen monoxide, tryptophan, urea, Dehydroepiandrosterone, Hexosephosphate P, and at least 20 kinds of acids. Nearly every chemical constituent will, in certain concentrations, kill children and adults. Chemical compounds within it are also used in yoga mats, explosives, warfare, and industrial applications. It is now so pe

20.

Text - Dr. Phillip Binzel found an 81% cancer cure rate using liquid laetrile in apricot seeds. When he ordered this, the FDA tried to block the import of liquid laetrile in the United States. Liked by Course, pharmaceutical companies just wanna make more money :. more View All 25 Comments It was banned because ingesting it causes cyanide poisoning Imao

Submitted by:

Tumblr Thread: Owl's Full Orb Pose Is No Joke


No joke, seeing this out in the wild would give most anyone the fear. Turns out that "full orb" pose is genuinely as menacing as it appears. 

1.

Adaptation - saintcucumbers Can someone please tell me what it means when an owl LITERALLY fucking swims towards you and then stares you down??

2.

Adaptation - Like look at it?? Literally flew past me and my my friend, it was so close that the wings touched our faces.

3.

Text - demonladytakkuri The real answer is that it really wants you to go away That's a fledgling great horned owl, they're known for being generally ballsy and aggressive, and owls have been known to both climb trees and swim through still water in a pinch Most likely full scenario: the bird was practicing flying, but it fell because it's still a kid and they do that. It probably fell in/by the water. It then was like Oh Damn Oh Jesus and decided it was not in fact a duck and headed to shore, s

4.

Text - The pose it's taking in the pic is one I affectionately call Full Orb. A fully orbed owl is 100% READY to FIGHT 1v1 no items final destination. You were probably its first up close encounter with a human, and since birds tend to associate larger animals with predators, it tried to make itself look as big as possible to make sure you know what's up. It was staring you down because it was waiting to see you make the first move in the dual or flee in fear from its superior owl might. timatis

5.

Text - karmacharmeleon18 me: oh hello little owl owl: i will fuck you up

Submitted by:

Wild, Funny, And Unexpected Marriage Stories


Someone on AskReddit got a thread going about people's wild and surprising marriage stories. You just never know what could kickstart a love that'll last a lifetime. Could be something as silly and immature as throwing a paper airplane at the back of someone's head. 

1.

Text - maimou1 • 10h 2 Awards he came to the door to borrow my sister's textbook. no one would answer the door so I dragged myself out of bed, and answered the door in nightgown and curlers (hey, it was the early 80's, ok?). he told me was there to see my sister. without a word I nodded, turned around and screamed "SISSS-TURRR", turned back around, said"family intercom system" completely deadpan, and left him standing on the porch while I went back to bed. married me anyway, 38 years on the 21st

2.

Text - MargotFenring • 12h I had just started dating this guy, and he came over to hang out. My roommate was bitching about her coworker Pam. So I said, "Who names their kid Pam anyway? Fuck bitches named Pam." My date says "My mom's name was Pam." His dead mom. Anyways, we're married now. Reply 2.2k ...

3.

Text - ReadingFrenzy • 13h My dad threw a paper airplane at the back of my mom's head in college. She told him to grow up. Anyways, they've been married now for over 36 years. Reply 14.2k ...

4.

Text - LMucheng • 14h 1 Award When we first met, his first words to me were "I'm gonna wife you", and I scoffed. Anyways, we're married noW. Reply 17.4k ...

5.

Text - arovercai • 13h Co-worker's boyfriend's brother came up to stay with them. "We have to have you out for dinner with him, you have a lot in common, he likes nerdy things too. You're not allowed to date him though." Definitely dated and married him. Co-worker and now brother-in-law broke up around the time we got engaged - he's better without her. Reply 12.4k ...

6.

Text - sensitiveinfomax • 13h I swiped right on someone who was the exact opposite of my type. Short, big teeth, not ambitious, really skinny. He was leaving town the morning after our date. He was a good half hour late to the date, muttered softly, and was bad with eye contact. I only went on the date because l'd had really fucked up stuff happen to me and I just wanted one date with someone that wasn't going to lead to anything just to feel normal. Anyway we just had our first kid. Reply 4.0k

7.

Text - 2beagles • 13h 8 2 Awards I had a cold, and went on a date to an Irish pub. I was eating bangers and mash and had the urge to cough. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but just wound up spraying his face with gravy and mashed potatoes through my pursed lips. I was still coughing, so I took a sip of my drink to sooth my throat. It was beer. The bubbles tickled my throat more. I also spit that all over his face. He stared at me in disgusted horror as gravy, mashed potatoes and beer dripped down

8.

Text - pkunk-is-not-dead • 14h 3 Awards met a girl online about 20 years ago one summer after college, found out we live in nearby towns, so decided to get together. Go out on a few dates, drive by local pre-school: me: "hey, that's where I went to pre school!" her: "that's where I went to pre school!" That day we find a pre school class photo, there we are 2 feet from each other. A few months later, my dad finds some old footage of a Christmas play our preschool class put on. We're standing rig

9.

Text - 1 Award In second grade, I was voted class favorite (why was this ever a thing? Horrible idea for kids self esteem) along with a weird fella who I had trouble believing anyone even voted for because he was quite reserved and bland. In the fifth grade I remember the same guy getting called to the front of the class to write his answer on the board. He was awkward and dressed accordingly. The girl seated behind me very quietly commented "mmmm. His booty look like it be eatin' his pants!" On

10.

Text - kaimcdragonfist • 13h I tripped and rolled down a hill, embarrassing myself in front of my girlfriend and her roommate. Anyways the roommate and I are married now Reply 6.2k ...

11.

Text - Moobell55 • 12h My great grandparents met because my great grandfather was delivering the news paper to my great grandmothers house and her brother though he was trespassing and tried shooting at him,my great grandmother felt bad and bought him lunch. They were together for over 75 years and lived a very happy life Reply 19.5k ...

12.

Text - windywing • 13h My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl his roommate introduced him to. The roommate felt bad when he found out that I had not in fact been broken up with first, and told me what had been going on. ... Anyways, we're married now! :D Eight years married, second child arriving in six weeks. Reply 1.1k ...

13.

Text - hey_sjay • 12h 3 Awards Right after our first kiss he said, "I'm not looking to get married." "Neither am 1,"I replied. So anyway, we're married now. Reply 22.9k ...

14.

Text - urbancowgirl42• 12h Met him in high school while he was hitting on my identical twin sister. Anyways, we're married now. Reply 4.3k ...

15.

Text - shaka_sulu • 14h You know that moment at church the pastor says "now stand up and say hi to someone you never met"? Anyways, we're married now. Reply 5.4k ...

16.

Text - TheGoodJudgeHolden • 15h Our first date was a disaster of epic proportions. Ended with me yelling at her, and her paying the check while I was in the latrine just so she could get out of there quicker. Anyways, we're married now, over 8 years strong. Two kids. I can't see my life without this beautiful, crazy person, and I like to think she feels the same way. Reply 2.9k ...

17.

Text - ConneryFTW • 14h In college, this girl like "fell on me". I was sitting beneath her bed watching a movie in her dorm room by ourselves as a "bro night". I thought she was super cute, but I didn't really think I had much of shot with her. We had also just become friends not too recently before that, and I didn't want to ruin this nice connection we had been developing. In any case, she kinda jumped on top of me. I had been a wrestler in high school, and she had mentioned before how she wan

18.

Text - VitaminThoughts • 14h So we went downtown in college to celebrate a friend's 21st birthday. My date for the evening had a few too many cocktails and ended up getting kicked out of the bar because she used the utility closet as a bathroom, I left to walk her home. But anyways, we're marrying next month Reply 817 •..

19.

Text - fueselwe • 10h Friend of mine in High School who looked suspiciously similar to someone I knew in kindergarten. One day: „you know, I knew a <her name> in kindergarten and she looked a lot like you", „yea, I also knew a <my name>, and he had exactly your hairstyle" We look deep into each other's eyes „Oh" Reply 174 + ...

20.

Text - The-Grand-Pepperoni • 13h I was 11 years old, talking to this girl I just met walking to lunch at school. She was cool, we liked some of the same stuff. This jock walks up and asks "what, are you two dating?" We both kind of looked at him confused and said no. Anyways, we're married now. Reply 641

21.

Text - reneeclaireblog • 13h 1 Award We met in elementary school. I transferred schools before high school and we lost touch. Found out we had enrolled at the same university, in the same program, once university classes started. Anyways, we're married now. Reply 4.0k ...

22.

Text - FallingInTempo • 12h I was working at a video game shop, and he was hired to DJ the midnight release of a game I didn't care for. He comes in, waits in the giant line of people finalizing their preorder before midnight. When he gets to the register, I ask him if he's here for the premier, but he says he wouldn't be caught dead playing that game, and proceeds to purchase a different, older game I later find out he already has. He asks me when I finish my shift, and to swing by the DJ table

23.

Text - FortifiedGun • 13h 1 Award I was in 8th grade and she was a year younger. I had a thing with her best friend. Was walking home with said best friend when she joined us. Absolutely lost it inside when I saw her. Looked so beautiful and cute walking home with her violin in hand. Her parents had a rule about dating til she was 16. They came around eventually. Not for a few tough years. Today was 8 years together. Known and been hooked on each other for 11. Getting married may of 2022. I stil

24.

Text - jhzinger22 • 11h During college i got sexiled by my roomate alot (she was on and off with her hs sweetheart) so i went to the common room area of the dorm to knit to kill some time (had a pretty view of the campus). Started talking to an art student who was drawing there and ended up talking for hours and been married for 4 years together for 10. Reply 161 ...

25.

Text - fungeoneer • 14h A friend of my brother's had a drinking problem in college. One day he crashed his truck in the side of the road and a man walked up and said "You ok?" "Yep." "You drunk?" "Yep" "Get in my car, l'll get in here and tell the cops I lost control." The guy got in the man's car, got in the back seat, and sat next to his future wife.

26.

Text - Tim_Out_Of_Mind • 11h Years ago, in the early days of the 'net, I met this girl on Yahoo Personals. She's trying her best to get out of a bad life, and casually mentions that she used to be a dancer in various clubs around the area. On our second date, she's over at my house. I had this 5-year-old picture of my 21st birthday at a local strip club. She saw it and pointed out that she was front and center in the photo. Happy ending time: She did get out of her bad life (at least, I hope she

27.

Text - thefuzzybunny1 • 13h A friend of mine was secretly playing Pokemon at high school when he found a picnicker with the same name as me. He found that funny so he whispered it to another mutual friend who was sitting next to him. Then the guy on the other side said "what's so funny?" And they said "look it's a character named for thefuzzybunny1." And he said "who?" So later in the week during a lunch period, they introduced him to me. Anyway we're married now. He also insists I include the l

28.

Text - zoink540 • 11h Met a girl online. She refused to go on a date with me but wanted to be Facebook friends. For 3 years she would not go out with me. I really liked her and we spoke every day. Eventually had to even tell her that we can't talk as often because I was developing feelings for her and it prevented me from meeting other women that would actually agree to go on a date with me. I dated other people during those 3 years. Saw one of her friends (mutual friends on fb) on the same webs

29.

Text - sparragus-P • 11h We met gaming online and became friends, we are from different countries, in mine, engagement rings are not a thing, so diamond rings are not related to marriage, but they are in his. I don't know how the conversation went that I said "someday I will buy myself a diamond ring" and he said "I will buy you a diamond ring" and the mood got awkward... Anyways, we are married now!! 3 years later, I still don't have a diamond ring lol Reply 123 ...

30.

Text - Wubbalubbadubbitydo • 11h We had been dating for two months. Driving around one day I was telling him about my little sister and how a boy at her school had a crush on her. I laughed as I said he proposed to her and said "she's only 5 I've never had anyone propose to me" without missing a beat he said, "I'll marry you" Anyways it's been 9 years a house a kid and two dogs and we are married now. Reply 117 ...

31.

Text - Plethorian • 12h When I was 13, I met a girl, Debby, at summer camp. She talked about her horses and attending the big interstate fair every year with her 4H group. On my 13th birthday I went to the fair and looked Debby up. She agreed to go to the carnival with me, but wasn't all that interested (I can't blame her, 13-year old me was a dweeb). She brought along her annoying girlfriend Rene to keep me from getting too fresh, which worked. I was determined to get Debby alone, not that I kn

32.

Text - Mahaloth • 14h I moved to China to teach middle school. Was introduced to another teacher while we were still in the Beijing airport. So anyway, we're married now and have adopted two kids from Korea. :-) Reply 5.3k

33.

Text - Lunchl3ox • 14h I met this girl. She started calling me, then everytime I went out to eat or to a movie she showed up. Sometimes I would come home from work an she would be waiting outside my place with dinner. The last time she came over she never left. Sure she leaves for a bit, but comes right back. Anyways I said why the fuck not and we are married now. Reply 1.7k ...

34.

Text - megamonster88• 11h Met a guy on tinder, texted for 3 weeks, almost cancelled our first date because it was raining and I was tired and someone had hit my car parked on the street, got to the date and he didn't speak a word of English and had been using Google translate to text me that whole time. Anyway we are married now. PS he learned English. Reply 1 516 ...

35.

Text - YaDrunkBitch • 14h On our first date he tried showing off by drifting down a gravel road and tore through a ranch fence. Anyway, we're married now. Reply 6.8k ...

Submitted by:

Totally Random Tumblr Treasures


Oh boy, we're back at it again with some fresh gems from the wonderful, ever entertaining minds of the Tumblr world. Take a tumble through these while you go about muddling through another day in these strange times. 

1.

Cartoon - Development muffintonic: Season 1: Season 4:

2.

Text - watsonshoneybee lads had a dream last night that i was at the elton john concert and halfway through crocodile rock he switched to a prince medley and real live flesh and blood prince walked out on stage, and into the stunned, hushed silence i said quietly, "i thought you were dead" and he looked straight at me through the crowds of a million people, put his mouth against the mic, and said "do i look like the kind of man who dies" absolute legend sammy-the-music-boy This wasn't a dream th

3.

Text - distressedphilosopher Honestly "thanks I hate it" is one of the funniest phrases in the English language transsexuallesbian i one time told my italian professor "grazie lo detesto" and she lost her shit, so it's not just english findingfeather It just packs SO MUCH MEANING into such short concepts.

4.

Text - Everyone is doing the 10 year challenge! Here's one: 2009 minimum wage: $7.25 2019 minimum wage: $7.25 imtotallystoked 2009 average rent: $886 2019 average rent: $1,476

5.

Text - civilizationkills why do people think humans are the peak of evolution. bears get to eat berries and salmon all the time and sleep half the year. how is that not so much more advanced than working every day until i die! whatshouldntbe ay op is right where that witch from brave at i just wanna talk

6.

Text - tilly-and-her-books: My neighbours are hosting some sort of charity event thing and they've got a live band going on and they're pretty good So when they finished a song I yelled out a "woo!" And then I just hear, "is that a neighbour?" Over the microphone. "You're really good" I say because, well, what else do I say when I'm yelling over 4 acres of bushland during the night? Then I just get a really awkward reply of "thank you" and now I'm just sitting outside in the cold listening when

7.

Text - itsensakaljastaja S hamyhamyhakki Follow ... big-mood-energy Follow remember when you could say stuff like "the earth is round" or "nazis are bad" and be absolutely certain everyone who heard you would agree big-mood-energy Follow remember when you could say "we shouldn't attack children with tear gas" and be absolutely certain everyone who heard you would agree big-mood-energy Follow remember when you could say “you shouldn't let your children catch fatal, preventable diseases" and be ab

8.

Text - iworkinretail-myguy criticize the work of stephanie meyer all you like, but she has let twilight die of natural causes rather than viciously reanimate its corpse with every tweet. yes this is about jkr Source: iworkinretail-myguy 91,616 notes

9.

Text - nianeyna apparently l'm playing skyrim again. and by "playing skyrim" I obviously mean "spending hours installing mods before I ever open the game" argumate foreplay with Todd nianeyna do you ever think before you post argumate yes, I think "ha! funny" and hit post

10.

Text - luminarai listen, I'm not the biggest fan of kids but if a child looks at me then you bet l'm gonna smile back at them. kids deserve to experience the world as a kind and safe place to explore okay. scarlet00rose But the world is not kind or safe. citizen-zero then Fucking do your part to make it that way.

11.

Text - teaboot I hate it when your parents are like "I know you better than you know yourself!" Like no you don't teaboot Like oh, you're an expert on the inner machinations of my psyche? Name three of my top ten existential dreads heckacentipede "But I raised you!" Ya and the only version of me that you know is the one I carefully crafted so that you wouldn't ask me questions because it became obvious early on you couldn't handle the honest answers

12.

Text - reactionary-bot sad but true: it doesn't matter if people die as a result, opening a sports-themed bar & grill is too important automastectomy august 11, 2018 scottandhiskind 2020 is the year we find out who the psychics are.which apparently includes bots yourdadsghoulfriend Victoria Guida @vtg2 I'm beginning to think "hindsight is 2020" was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

13.

Text - REI tilthat Follow TIL there are 3 types of fun: Type 1 fun is enjoyable while it's happening. Type 2 fun is miserable while it's happening, but fun in retrospect. Type 3 fun is not fun at all, not even in retrospect. via reddit.com scope-dogg Follow How the fuck is activity that's no fun during or after it considered a type of fun lordascapelion Follow You know howa lot of people play a game called League of Legends?

14.

Text - A ace-aro-fandroid So we got an Amazon Echo and we changed the wake word to "Computer" and now I feel like l'm on the Enterprise all the time. Additionally, whenever I watch Star Trek, she only responds to "computer" when Data says it and it's kind of adorable. Not Picard, not La Forge, not Troi, not Dr. Crusher, not Riker. Not anyone but Data. The other night Data asked his Computer what the time was and my Computer told him it was 10:47. Watching Star Trek is even more fun now the-zodia

15.

Text - greenwithenby-deactivated201609 People who prefer hot weather: Snow and ice are a pain, and the cold is just kind of uncomfortable even when you wrap up, you know? People who prefer cold weather: MY SKIN LITERALLY MELTS OFF EVERY SUMMER I AM A FUCKING HUMAN SOUP AS WE SPEAK greenwithenby you wouldn't believe how many people reblogged this to whine about hot weather in the tags.

16.

Text - hong-meiling-official too cold? put on another layer! too hot? change into thinner clothes! still too cold? put on another layer! still too hot? uh, get naked I guess? still too cold? put on another layer! still too hot? ȚAKEQFE TOUR/SK IN

17.

Text - the-mighty-birdy The cold is easily shut out, the heat is inescapable hell goodguydashura THE TRUTH COMES OUT. Avoidance techniques for the cold: -more coats, fire, hot food and drink, stay inside, fuzzy sweaters, ear muffs, become a burrito Avoidance techniques for heat: -die, I guess. #SEE THATS THE THING LIKE I CANT WALK OUTSIDE NAKED AND EVEN IF I COULD WHAT IF IM STILL HOT WHAT DO I DO THEN

18.

Text - that-jolly-tardis-sound: in geometry class today, a kid's phone started siri while my teacher was explaining a proof, and it said "sorry, i didn't understand that. could you say it again?" and mY TEACHER STARTED EXPLAINING IT AGAIN HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT THE VOICE WAS OF A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN OMFG

19.

Text - funneeb Yall ever procrastinate sleeping? Like you should be asleep and you want to but you just.. keep doing more things for no reason?

20.

Text - this close to putting hot sauce on my toes turing-tested i. forgot to give context for this vriskerly-actions what context could you possibly give that would make this any better turing-tested my cats biscuit and gravy are aggressive toe biters and they will stop at nothing to attain the experience of feet in their mouth

Submitted by: