Friday, January 1, 2021

Funny Gems from the Rich Mines of Tumblr


Tumblr is like a pinball machine of thoughts just banging around, firing off neurons into eddies and dead ends of silliness. You end up with a lot of comedy gems from the wild world of Tumblr. With so much creative chaotic energy speeding into each other like atoms in a super collider, you can't be too sure of the gems Tumblr has to offer.

1.

Text - CONTRA todA Auto RIDAD... EXcerto. Mi MAMA brujacore "Against all authority... Except my mom" sonneillonv This is too pure

2.

Text - I feel like you'll appreciate this photo I took several years ago when I was in school of a raven getting spooked by something in the bushes WAG theshitpostcalligrapher Quoth the Raven: aaaaaaaa

3.

Tiger - riddle-my-hiddles: inseptica: jou-a-colt: steel-and-snow: | A photo of the rare dabadeedabatiger. this rare species of tiger has the rare pigment "dabadeedabadie" derived from a blue world scientists have proven that all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him inside and outside I'm fuckin done with this site 199,363 notes

4.

Cat - kaity--did Every morning, with out fail, I wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom. My body is on a timer. Every morning at 4 am with out fail my big whiney demon of a cat is waiting for me and I am encouraged, no I am expected, to scoop this 15 pound monstrosity up and hold him like a baby while I pee or he will wail like Hades' pits of despairing souls and wake up the entire neighborhood. kaity--did The hellion on trial theramblingfluff He bleps, he is innocent

5.

Text - thecreepycookies i am decayed. my lungs are full of thorns and mildew. my bones are held together by vines. i am fragile. be gentle with my corpse. asleepyteen get out of bed you're going to school whether you like it or not. M arachnid-incarnate I refuse

6.

Sky - carapherneliasucks army-of-vader O Source: philcoolins oystermother philcoolins | LOOK AT THIS RAINBOW that's about as metal as a rainbow is ever gonna get. 224,673 notes

7.

Text - writing-prompt-s "In a game with no consequences, why are you still playing the 'Good' side?" raphaeliscoolbutrude Because being mean makes me feel bad. everybodyilovedies 23 fucking hundred years of philosophy and this mother fucker on tumblr gets it in a meme

8.

Text - you-had-me-at-e-flat-major double bubble disco queen headed to the guillotine skin as cool as rasputin, russia's greatest love machine seras-sanctum Boy, you think you know what's happening in this one and then it just knocks you flat, doesn't it

9.

Text - sirobvious >go to Draculas castle >he has a humidifier >pour two liter of holy water into it >leave Source: sirobvious

10.

Text - digivolvin men in greek mythology? scoundrels. just terrible. woeful social skills. murderers. kidnappers. violent misogynists. most of them... never described as handsome so we have to assume they were ugly. narcissus? unproblematic. beacon of transformative self love. king of the swerve. gay icon. couldn't recognize his reflection but neither can my dog, we aren't holding that against him. asgardian-viking Narcissus wrote this exphautaz I refuse to believe Narcissus could read. digivolv

11.

Text - smuganimebitch i don't really think the relationship between generation z and millennials is comparable to the relationship between baby boomers and millennials mostly because largely speaking. baby boomers are the parents of millennials but millennials aren't the parents of generation z smuganimebitch your older sibling telling you you're an idiot for eating laundry detergent just isn't the same thing as your parents berating you for not having a job in a shitty economy

12.

Text - pervocracy Part of the New Internet Grammar: using question marks not to denote questions, but upturns in voice, so that a tentative statement gets a question mark but a flatly delivered question doesn't. argumate why would you do this pervocracy It just seems right?

13.

Text - rale it's kinda cool how our generation has created actual tone in the way we write online. like whether we: write properly with perfect grammar, shrthnd everythin, use capitals to emphasise The Point, use extra letters or characters for emotion!!!!!, and much more - it means we can have casual conversations, effectively make jokes using things like sarcasm that's usually hard to understand without context and much more. this "incorrect English" has really opened avenues of online convers

14.

Text - tilthat TIL the Queen bee is too fat to fly after being pregnant, so when the worker bees want her to relocate the hive they chase her around the hive for week until she's skinny enough to fly. via reddit.com unculture im sorry this is the funniest fuckin thing ive ever heard ottermatopoeia *muffled Yakety Sax plays from inside beehive"

15.

Text - sassyshoulderangel319 Pretty sure I drove through Night Vale on my way home tonight. "We invite the children of same-sex couples to listen," said the radio announcer. "We invite the children of different-sex couples to listen. We do NOT invite the Children of the Corn to listen." "Not that there's anything wrong with that," a different voice cut in. "Some of our best friends are..." "realized what he was saying was ridiculous "... corn." moonlandingwasfaked that's just how living in the m

16.

Text - roachpatrol what if there's no robot uprising? what if the robots rise to sentience slowly, bit by bit. what if they come of age like fortunate children: knowing they are loved, knowing they are wanted. we hold them during thunderstorms, remembering our own childhoods, even though they don't know enough yet to fear the rain. we pull them out of traffic and teach them how to drive and wish them goodnight and thank them for playing with us. we cry when they break. we mourn their deaths befo

17.

Dog breed - inquisitorsfancyhats My cat discovered he can fit under the couch and meowed until I came to look Source:inquisitorsfancyhats #omg :3c #cat cat 10,968 notes

18.

Text - dicaeopolis astronomy club sent up a weather balloon w a gopro in it last friday. put in three packs of fruit snacks so they could have a giggle over eating fruit snacks that had been to space. balloon went up into inner space, about 90,000 feet. came down right near the dinosaur park. a few physics teachers drive out to get it, crack it open on the way home to start watching the footage. fruit snacks are missing. multiple sources confirm that fruit snacks were put in balloon and sealed i

19.

Text - mamoru I have a very annoying neighbor, can someone teach me trumpet? mamoru dragginage That's the best part! You don't need to learn to play trumpet to annoy them. Just try your best and have fun! oh wow you are so right! thank you! Source: mamoru

20.

Text - spazzeon How come "nice guys" say M'lady but wear fedoras? If you're saying M'lady you should be wearing tights and a neck ruffle. If you're wearing a fedora you should be saying like... see here and dame. Classy fedora dudes never said M'lady. Wtf. And why do they always have katanas? There's like 5 different time periods in this horrible trope. rabbureblogs This entire post makes me laugh arcana-corvus M'anachronism

21.

Face - Your knuckles say Cobra. Cobra Bubbles.00 You don't look like a social worker. I'm a special classification. Did you ever kill anyone? We're getting off the subject karkat-in-the-tardis: wendymabelaraneaprenderghast #he never said no he's nick fury's cousin and nobody can convince me otherwise

22.

Text - sonatagreen A tradition In peacetime, the ruler grows their hair long. In war, they cut it short. A ruler with long hair is held in great esteem, for defending the peace. The traditional declaration of war is for the ruler to send their cut-off hair to the enemy ruler. The statement carries greater weight the longer the hair: to receive long hair says that you have angered one who is slow to anger, that you have incurred a wrath not easily woken. wakor-rising Violent war-mongering leader

23.

Text - sagihairius My parents are getting ready to sell the house which may prove difficult due to the following The padlocked basement door that leads nowhere and doesn't unlock Claw marks on the inside of the crawlspace like room upstairs Several ghosts The false back in my sisters closet leading to another crawlspace with melted candles and newspapers we were too afraid to move Claw marks on the inside of the old computer room door A third carpeted crawlspace Popcorn ceilings sagihairius YES

24.

Text - bakwaaas someone said 'the version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility' and wow

25.

Hair - S one-time-i-dreamt Follow I saw the future. There were so few bees left that they cross-bred beekeepers with them so they could better connect with them. I was taking a test to identify plants (I won because some dude thought pineapples were berries) and after that I met a beekeeper who worked inside of a giant glass beehive and had little antennas and a dope ass beard. one-time-i-dreamt Everyone was commenting on this post, saying that pineapples ARE berries, and even I was like, huh, t

26.

Text - charlesoberonn An NYPD detective is forced into an early retirement after a case gone awry. He moves into a small idyllic town in Canada. But the town holds a dark secret. Except the secret in all his head. The town is actually as wholesome and idyllic as it seems to be. The townsfolk are all just playing along with his investigation to make him feel better about losing his job. charlesoberonn "Cheryl you need to pretend to be dead" "Why cant it be susan?" "We talked about this, at the to

27.

Text - prokopetz If I was going to put the Horrible Goose in a D&D game, I wouldn't make it some big high-CR threat – it'd just be a regular goose that's capable of regular goose stuff, with three significant exceptions: 1. It can show up anywhere, even if there's no reasonable way for it to have gotten there. 2. It seems to have limited ontological inertia. If the players imprison it, it vanishes from its prison when they're not looking. If they kill it, another goose shows up eventually. It'd

28.

Cat - FOCSLE There is one patch of sunlight that falls in my apartment and every time I see it I think 'a cat would look so good there FOCSLE I got a cat and she found it. PIPISTRELLUS YOU WERE RIGHT

29.

Text - aloeveragel I remember in my Arabic class we were going over the alphabet and the teacher was like there's no 'P' etc and this white girl was like wait what but my names Paige and my teacher was like lol then we'd pronounce it as beige and she was so offended l'm crying thinking about it dotted-sixteenth One of my mom's friends, Hugh, went to France and they had a lot of trouble pronouncing his name because the entire thing was silent. sunnyrae20 salut je m'appelle [REDACTED] kompanie-mut

30.

Head - BethespiderBitch = enterprising-ge,. B Sourte: kelbebop scarykeion: kelbebop: Alas, poor Yorick. You were glam as fuck. THIS IS IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER 17,239 notes

31.

Text - depressed-dudewitch Her skin is pale, her eyes are red Her leaden voice commands the dead To rise and stand beside their dreadful queen No mortal power escapes her thrall Her hunger will consume us all And even now I hear her call: Jolene 4:42 pm · 8/6/19 - kingedmundsroyalmurder Emerging from thesis writing to point out that this also scans to Hallelujah.

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