Saturday, April 4, 2020

Hilarious And Totally Random Tumblr Gems


Now more than ever, Tumblr gems are where it's at. The wonderful world of Tumblr is always there to provide people's busy minds a recess from thinking all the time about serious stuff; and instead, shift gears to falling down all kinds of silly rabbit holes. You never know what to expect from Tumblr, except for the unexpected, I guess. These gems might ease that potentially worried mind, and distract you so much that you actually find yourself laughing. 

1.

Text - O Ibibliophile Just like Slughorn, Albus Dumbledore collects people. Only, instead of focusing on those with influence, he looks to the outcasts. The expelled half-giant. The young werewolf. The repentant Death Eater. He protects them and gives them a second chance. All he asks in return is their loyalty. And, if on occasion he requests that they undertake a certain task, invoking their debt of gratitude - well, that is no more than he is owed. He once thought to add a certain disowned Bl

2.

Text - inkskinned I think part of what bothers me about anti-millennial rhetoric is that it never provides a solution. It simply places blame and moves on. "Killing the cereal industry" doesn't follow with how to have more time for breakfast, or how to feel about the fact Kellogg's was created to be purposefully tasteless. "Killing the housing market" okay how do you fix institutional bias against race how do you make enough on minimum wage to afford a house how do you pay taxes on that house. "

3.

Text - stairset Mortal Kombat has the best characters because literally none of them feel like they belong in the same genre. The main trio is a monk, an army girl and an actor. There's ninjas and gods and sorcerers and cyborgs and a guy with knives in his hands and a blind samurai and an immortal cowboy and a naked bug lady and an Aztec war god. The keeper of time is some bald chick voiced by Jennifer Hale. There's a character who's literally just a cop like not even a cop who has incredible ma

4.

Text - carbonscales As a 90's kid, it blows my mind that origami youtube videos exist. You can look up any model and watch a pair of manicured hands assemble the thing in real time, in full color, in 3D, with cheerful flute music in the background. When I was little, you had a library book with no words and these esoteric little dotted lines and arrows and it was just you, your hands, your paper, and the cruel, uncaring eyes of God. Source: carbonscales 192,986 notes

5.

Text - justqueenthoughts Bohemian Rhapsody. We Will Rock You. Somebody To Love. All hit singles, and all the direct product of a band that was formed when an astrophysicist and a dentistry major found a new friend in an art college, who then went on to recruit a fourth member from the electronics school. Based on this alliance I propose the rift in society between Arts and STEM students was fabricated to keep us separated so as to dilute our true power - and fabricated by who, you may ask? The b

6.

Text - LAWFUL NEUTRAL CHAOTIC barcelona GOOD spanish italian spanish NEUTRAL portugese romanian latin québec EVIL french catalan french inhkeart romance languages alignment chart made by my roommate and i at 3 am aphilologicalbatman this isn't nearly mean enough to French and unnecessarily generous to Italian, a hell language if I ever encountered one.

7.

Text - protectspock Loving the idea of earth cryptids/folklore monsters being real only the humans have no idea until after first contact. protectspock Vulcans: Our scientists have questions about the small nocturnal portion of your population that drinks blood and appears virtually immortal. Is there a name for this sub-species? Humans: THE WHAT?!?!?

8.

Text - Me: mum, look at this picture I took the other day.. Mum: ooh hang on.. *finds glasses (11 mins), puts on cardigan (4 mins), sits comfortably on the sofa (3 mins).* Me: *hands her the phone* Mum:*hits home button* ooh it's gone?!

9.

Text - plantconstellations i imagine getting my own place all the time and going down to the grocery store carly in the morning before everyone else and to the coffee shop and having a really small place with wide windows and lots of plants and shelves of books and a tiny kitchen where i can make tea and noodles and a bed with a pile of blankets and just a place i can make uniquely my own or mayhe a place i could share with someone but i just think about this place a lor idk s4wdust One of my pr

10.

Text - Guns N' Roses have really toned it down. WELCOME TO THE GARDEN • PLEASE RESPECT THE RULES• WELCOME TO THE GARDEN PLEASE RESPECT THE RULES WE GOT ALL THE PLANTS YOU WANT WE TEND THEM WITH OUR TOOLS WE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CAN GROW WHATEVER YOU MAY NEED IF YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY, HONEY WE'VE GOT YOUR DAISIES GARDEN, WELCOME TO THE GARDEN WATCH IT BRING IN ALL THE.. SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BEES, BEES

11.

Text - paper-mario-wiki one of my favorite threats is "youre not invited to my birthday party anymore". from ages 4 to 11 its one of the most heinous things you can say, then 12 through 17 its just embarassing cuz teenz think that thats a childish thing to say, but from 18 onward, it only gets more and more effective, if only because it confuses the person youre speaking to. its like a verbal smoke bomb. it catches them off guard and disorients them to the point that they might not even know how

12.

Text - S lovelybluepanda Follow siniristiriita It's wild that considering languages, if I got into one that is completely foreign to me, it would take me an equal amount of trouble and effort to learn the medieval version of the language as it would to learn the modern one? Like I could learn to speak Sengoku-era japanese, and it wouldn't be any more challenging to me than the modern tongue. I could learn the language, go to Japan, and struggle to manage normal interactions while confusing the f

13.

Text - lieutenant-sapphic im gonna watch dr. who in chronological order by the time period they travel to partywithponies The worst idea l've ever heard, I love it. 4,393 notes

14.

Text - twodotsknowwhy No one is saying you shouldn't have a nice house, we are saying that having multiple really, really ridiculously nice houses while your employees are either homeless or at serious risk of becoming homeless is immoral. whenandwhereienter I'l never understand why this concept is hard for people. I think it's because they can't actually fathom how much $1 Billion is. fandomsandfeminism Seriously. Let's say you have a badass job. A great job. You make $100 AN HOUR. You work 10

15.

Text - 2 mbrainspaz I really enjoy just existing in hotels. The long identical hallways. The soulless abstract art. The weird noises the air-conditioner makes. Strange city lights in the window. Six stories off the ground. Strangers chatting in the hall. Nothing in the dresser. No past, but an infinite present. A aceofsquiddles I know this place in California that I really think you'd like

16.

Text - jumpingjacktrash a very short star wars meta in the first movie, when leia got rescued, she was expecting some kind of actual military operatives with things like a plan and an exit strategy and a working vehicle. this is why she was so salty about instead being rescued by basically the duke brothers and an angry carpet in a past-warranty space winnebago. like when the bad guys capture a diplomat you're supposed to send mission impossible, not cheech & chong uncle-whisky Leia wanted a ful

17.

Text - chromolume so imagine you're making ratatouille and you don't like tomatoes. you don't like the taste, the texture, the putting them in the water and the peeling them - eugh! so you say to yourself "lookit, this whole dish is nothing but vegetables, so what does it matter if i leave the tomatoes out?" a seemingly innocuous decision on the surface, but 2 hours or whatever later when you're done cooking, you open the oven to find a complete mess! just a pot full of baked vegetables, none of

18.

Text - rebelwhodoesntknow You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine konmariyourboyfriend You can dance, you can jive, but you can't go outside bigmammallama5 000000OHHH see that girl, watch that scene, but through your window screen

19.

Text - prokopetz More dumb magic items for your D&D campaign: A sword that inflicts emotional wounds A hat that, when left alone with another hat, will mate and produce hybrid offspring Negative gold pieces A map that is the territory Armour that becomes more effective the uglier the wearer A living pocket-watch that never needs winding, but if you don't feed it, it dies; it's an obligate carnivore Goggles that put censor bars over monsters of the Aberration type An instructional tome in the sec

20.

Text - ANCIENT JOCK CIVILISATIONS EDITION SPARTA MACEDONIA ROME ASSYRIA KUSH PERSIA PREP E GOTH MYCENAE CARTHAGE HITTITES BABYLON ΕΟΥΡΤ ATHENS NERO archaeos I spent two years at a top university, was taught by some of the finest modern archaeologists, and THIS is my what I learned. Source: archaeos 3,602 notes

21.

Text - zombiekaiba The story of Cats is that in the 1930s, the famous poet T.S. Eliot wrote a book of cutesy little cat-themed poems for his godchildren And then 40 years later, Andrew Lloyd Webber found a lost cat poem that T.S. Eliot had cut from the cat book for being too sad for children, and ALW was like "woahhh. A cat....that's sad. That's deep, man. I wanna make a musical out of this" So the producer assigned to the project was like "okay, I guess you could maybe read these cat poems as a

22.

Text - playing video game game: this weapon has +6 damage and +4 defense from your current weapon me: but it ugly magerevolution Videogame: The tactics screen allows you to- Me, yelling: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF dark-souls-help dork-wraith dork-wraith What I lack in strength I make up for by 2handing my weapon radicaltrains "Does this game have fall damage?" I ask as I have already leapt off the tallest building in the game parviocula cthonicon video game enemy: *heals self* me: how dare you

23.

Text - goblining thank your fucking healers no matter what game it is you better be grateful miss-chase-lost-in-space l'll never thank Donald Duck. Source: knifegoblin 68,834 notes

24.

Text - avvocarlo gonna time travel back to the middle ages so I can have some fun eating wormy gruel and hopefully top off the entire experience by getting stabbed in the stomach over a dispute about a couple of coins avvocarlo dogpaws you can do all of that in new jersey

25.

Text - dovewithscales: itsavalonsmith: today at the witchy store: customer: is this organic? me: me: its a crystal customer: yes, but is it organic? me: . it's a stone? customer: i'm not stupid, I know that. I want to know if this "stone" is organic or not me: customer: me: sure, why not. we didn't put pesticides on it when we grew it. customer: I want to talk to your manager Retail is the same all over. Reblogged 1 day ago from alex-chase-fortier (originally from itsavalonsmith) 9,863 notes Tag

26.

Hand - bewbin Choose a pill Red pill: the ability to read anybodies mind and control their thoughts at will Blue pill: tastes like raspberry

27.

Text - protectspock Loving the idea of earth cryptids/folklore monsters being real only the humans have no idea until after first contact. protectspock Vulcans: Our scientists have questions about the small nocturnal portion of your population that drinks blood and appears virtually immortal. Is there a name for this sub-species? Humans: THE WHAT?!?!?

28.

Text - writing-prompt-s After Lucifer was kicked out of Heaven, he decided to make his own paradise. Both compete to have the best afterlife, sadly you lived a sin-free life and got sent to Heaven. God is throwing a very boring, sin-free party. You spend your time trying to get kicked out so you can go to Hell. writing-prompt-s too_weirdfor_you I looked at the basketball in my hand, and then at God's halo. His back was turned. I had no regrets. In literal seconds, I was greeted by a crying-laugh

29.

Text - probablybadrpgideas Refuse to differentiate between important and unimportant information in your scene descriptions. "Looking around the ruined street you see a few burnt out houses, various bits of rubble, 4000 demons pointing swords at you, a pile of knocked over street signs and a stray cat." suchprettypride All your players, immediately: I PET THE CAT cosmicastrogazer "The 4000 demons immediately lower their blades, as you have successfully shown proper tribute to She Who Walks the S

30.

Text - poorbf 2 illegalaustralien Me: *doesnt eat* Stomach: *hurts* Me: *eatS* Stomach: *also hurts* Me: ok u know what. fuck you Source: daffydthomas

31.

Text - hauntrickstump: spangefucker: meatbicyclevevo: somebody once told me the world was gonna end on december 21, 2012. i bought all of this fucking pasta as a way to celebrate the end of the world and now i'm $10,000 in debt and i have pasta everywhere in my house i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

32.

Text - hungarian do british people have a special £ key on their keyboards wearejohnlocked 000 DOO F4 F2 F3 F5 ! @ € 2$ 2 Q D

33.

Text - pukicho I've noticed a trend in life. The larger a thing is, the more likely it is to be evil. This applies to companies, youtubers, people, and mountains. yukigitsune in cases of dogs the direct opposite is true pukicho A notable outlier

34.

Text - teaboot "Why is there a pentagram on your floor" okay first of all mom, it's not a pentagram, and second, what were you doing in my apartment teaboot oh shit I summoned my mom kelssiel a parentagram anthropwashere #congrats on doing what Ed and Al could not (x)

35.

Text - speedyruinschaos No hate to America, but some of your laws are wack. Why can't you have Kinder Eggs? Oh right, because some old senators thought you guys would eat them like fucking snakes. pukicho We would that's what makes us badass

36.

Text - froody Fantasy settings are so funny because anyone could show up at anytime and be like “hi l'm your lost bastard son" and you'd have to take them at their word because DNA testing doesn't exist yet. froody. Series about a traveling mage who has figured out how to do paternity testing and goes from village to village staging a live audience Lauren Lake level shit show

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