Friday, April 17, 2020

Tumblr Thread: Raging Nerds And An Orangutan


One does not simply bring up the Orangutan at an Edgar Allen Poe conference, unless they are ready to brandish their sharpest mental swords, and to debate, breathlessly, until there is steam coming out of their ears, and fire in the pit of their hearts. Yes, the Orangutan has a bit of a reputation in the community of Edgar Allen Poe academics. Saying "Orangutan" at a Poe conference is basically equivalent to muttering "Voldemort" at Hogwarts. Tis a big no-no. If you're looking for more wild Tumblr threads, check out the recent thread where Tumblr went full mythological scientist on dragon evolutions. Fun stuff. 

1.

Text - clarenecessities there's something endlessly hilarious to me about the phrase "hotly debated" in an academic context. like i just picture a bunch of nerds at podiums & one's like "of course there was a paleolithic bear cult in Northern Eurasia" and another one just looks him in the eye and says "i'l kill you in real life, kevin"

2.

Text - crockpotcauldron The Milton scholars screamed and argued about how the serpent was supposed to move before it crawled on its belly. Dr. Matthews, enraged that Dr. Goldstein could believe the serpent bounced around on the coiled end of its tail, flipped over the conference table. "Satan is not a fucking pogo stick!" he howled.

3.

Text - ossacordis I heard a story once about two microbiologists at a conference who took it out into the parking lot to have a literal fistfight over taxonomy.

4.

Text - winchysteria have i told this story yet? idk but it's good. The Orangutan Story: my american lit professor went to this poe conference. like to be clear this is a man who has a doctorate in being a book nerd. he reads moby dick to his four-year-old son. and poe is one of the cornerstones of american literature, right, so this should be right up his alley? wrong. apparently poe scholars are like, advanced. there is a branch of edgar allen poe scholarship that specifically looks for coded m

5.

Text - background info: edgar allen poe was a broke white alcoholic from virginia who wrote horror in the first half of the 19th century. rule 1 of Horror Academia is that horror reflects the cultural anxieties of its time (see: my other professor's sermon abt how zombie stories are popular when people are scared of immigrants, or that purge movie that was literally abt the election). since poe's shit is a product of 1800s white southern culture, you can safely assume it's at least a little abou

6.

Text - so my professor sits down to watch this panel and within like five minutes a bunch of crusty academics get super heated about poe's theoretical racism. because it's academia, though, this is limited to poorly concealed passive aggression and forceful tones of inside voice. one professor is like “this isn't even about race!" and another professor is like "this proves he's a racist!" people are interrupting each other. tensions are rising. a panelist starts saying that poe is like writing a

7.

Text - some more background: in poe's well-known short story "the murder in the rue morgue," two single ladies-a lovely old woman and her lovely daughter who takes care of her, aka super vulnerable and respectable people-are violently killed. the murderer turns out to be not a person, but an orangutan brought back by a sailor who went to like burma or something. and it's pretty goddamn racially coded, like they reeeeally focus on all this stuff about coarse hairs and big hands and superhuman str

8.

Text - so the place goes dead fucking silent as every giant ass poe stan in the room is immediately thrust into a series of war flashbacks: the orangutan argument, violently carried out over seminar tables, in literary journals, at graduate student house parties, the spittle flying, the wine and coffee spilled, the friendships torn-the red faces and bulging veins -curses thrown and teaching posts abandoned- panels just like this one fallen into chaos-distant sirens, skies falling, the dog-eared

9.

Text - much later, when my professor told this story to a poe nerd friend, the guy said the orangutan thing was a one of the biggest landmines in their field. he said it was a reliable discussion ruiner that had started so many shouting matches that some conferences had an actual ban on bringing it up.

10.

Text - my professor sits there for a second, still totally clueless. the panel moderator suddenly stands up in his tweed jacket and yells, with the raw panic of a once-broken man: WE! DO NOT! TALK ABOUT! THE ORANGUTAN!

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