Friday, April 17, 2020

Tumblr Thread: "Ask" People and "Guess" People


Depending on how you grew up, you might be the type of person who just asks for stuff and is fine taking no for an answer, or you might be the type of person who wasn't brought up to say no and lives in a world of more passive expectations. Either way, the theory helps explain why both groups have such a hard time communicating. Foranother weird psychological thing, here's a guy's discovery that different people have different internal monologues.

1.

Text - mefitours-blog-blog Ask Culture and Guess Culture "One of my wife's distant friends has attempted to invite herself to stay with us, again," writes the exasperated owner of a prime 2 bedroom apartment in New York City in this Ask MetaFilter question. "She did this last March, and we used the excuse of me starting a new job and needing to do x, y, and z as well as the "out of town" excuse for any remaining dates. This got us off scot-free, but we both knew the time would come again... and

2.

Text - The first few answers give this poster very direct advice: Just say no. No need to give an explanation, it's her who's being rude by asking. Others give him advice that was probably more like what he was expecting: other ways to be vague like claiming that it's "“One of those random 'Life in NYC things." Another thread of discussion popped up around whether or not the woman asking for a place to stay was being rude. Some posters couldn't understand how simply asking to stay in someone's a

3.

Text - In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept. All kinds of problems spring up around the edge

4.

Text - Obviously she's an Ask and you're a Guess. (I'm a Guess too. Let me tell you, it's great for, say, reading nuanced and subtle novels; not so great for, say, dating and getting raises.) Thing is, Guess behaviors only work among a subset of other Guess people – ones who share a fairly specific set of expectations and signalling techniques. The farther you get from your own family and friends and subculture, the more you'll have to embrace Ask behavior. Otherwise you'll spend your life in a

5.

Text - After this comment many users, including the original poster himself, began to use these terms in discussing the issue. And why wouldn't they? Ask Culture and Guess Culture describe two valid yet opposing ways of interacting with the world with very little value judgment given to them. Framing the argument as such was a stroke of utter genius by tangerine, broadening the perspective of many who participated in the discussion and adding to the general lifebuzz.

6.

Text - aeveee This is fascinating. My mom was, I think, a variety of Guess culture. She disliked telling her kids no to reasonable requests. We learned to make flat/information statements like "I'm going to need a ride after school on Friday," and if she responded with another flat stament like "I have to work until 5 on Friday," then we knew we had to problem solve an alternative. My parents divorced when I was 12. One summer spent with my dad when I was 16, he blew up at me. "Why don't you jus

7.

Text - Thoughts: -I wonder how many failed relationships and divorces have mixed ask/guess culture as a component? -I wonder how many other like me there are- trained in both cultures due to a mixed marriage-and what this does to our own relationships. -why is this not a widely known thing? Good god it seems a HUGE facet of effective communication and l'm only just hearing about it at 51 years old? Is there a book about this somewhere? Dammit...

8.

Text - ford-ye-fiji My mother is an asker and my dad is a guesser and sometimes I have to butt in and translate what each other is trying to say XD I didn't even know there was a word for it!! tellmevarric I learned to give people permission to say no to me. A lot of people, more than I ever expected, have trouble saying no, especially when, like in the original post, it's because they just don't want to, not because they have a reason. (As if not wanting to isn't a valid reason... but I digress

9.

Text - When I was a teenager visiting family, apparently my aunt got tired of having to ask me and my sisters what we wanted all the time and asked us to speak up and said 'if you don't ask, you don't get. At the time I thought this was partly a lesson in gaining self confidence but at the same time I realized if I just ask and not expect everyone to guess, I can get more of what I need out of life with less stress. Fast forward to now. My mother is still an extreme Guesser and three of my siste

10.

Text - And if they say no, I don't ask why, I don't get passive aggressive and I don't get angry or upset. I don't dwell on it. They've said no and that's final. I thank them, then I move the conversation on. Two of the most valuable things you can learn is how to say no and how to accept no.

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