Thursday, January 28, 2021

Tumblr Gems and Funny Tweets to Haughtily Guffaw At


Twitter and Tumblr are dripping with observations both creepily insightful and brain-chillingly stupid. Anything goes when you plug your brain into the internet and let the words fall wherever they land. It leads to some funny tweets and tumblr gems to quote later in a conversation with your "peers."

1.

Sleeve - kimbra nicole @simqlykimbra12 My 6 y/o bro fell asleep in the shopping cart at Walmart.my stepmom didn't wanna bother him so she kept stacking groceries Reese OPED

2.

Font - coffeeandklonopin carpe diem - seize the day carpe noctem - seize the night carpe natem - seize the ass coffeeandklonopin Seriously, if you guys don't stop reblogging this I am going to carpe someone's neck and break it. mama-bird carpe collum - seize the neck Quelle: caffeineandcartridges 647,661 Anmerku..

3.

Aerostat - slytherinlynx A Relatable Autism FeelTM which piece of my meal do I eat last. Which Flavour will be the Chosen One that will Erase all others and Prevail. W authenticautistic Oh my god I thought I was the only one Source: queerlynx 16,764 notes

4.

Font - Organism - Patrick Nathan @patricknathan me at 19: maybeI should be a writer me at 36: maybe I should never leave this bathtub and become a broth 6:26 PM · 2020-12-06 · Twitter for iPhone 1,070 Retweets 79 Quote Tweets 11K Likes

5.

Font - Rhyming Mama @sarabellab123 My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you" her cards read "I made this f you". I'd correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment. 5:10 AM · 12/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Font - EE ? 08:15 19% O augustales Follow told my parents i miss archaeology and my mom was, very sympathetically, like: "do you want to dig holes in the garden?" and i was like. yes. i want to dig holes in the garden. ruffboijuliaburnsides Follow my wife, after reading this to me aloud: It's your people! ...do you want me to break a clay pot for you to put back together? me, burying my face in my hands: Maybe...? mycroftrh Follow These are both moods, but unfortunately I am primarily a bioarcha

7.

Font - World - jon drake @DrakeGatsby My brain is an internet browser with 108 tabs open and every time i try to close them it asks me "are you sure?" And I'm not sure. Im not sure about about anything 11:57 PM · 2020-12-05 · Twitter for iPhone 2,448 Retweets 95 Quote Tweets 15.8K Likes

8.

Organism - everything bad happening is zuck... @GraceSpelman me: gender is a social construct me to my cat: Mr. Sir! You are just a little boy who is a man. Mr. Sir Boy! 11:21 AM · 2020-12-13 · Twitter for iPhone 2,803 Retweets 187 Quote Tweets 25.1K Likes

9.

Font - Font - 00 + 1 @stuckinaportal my daughter is making a convincing argument that egg should be spelled "eg" and that the second "g" should only be used to describe really big eggs 11:10 AM · 2020-11-22 · Twitter for iPhone 3,606 Retweets 261 Quote Tweets 68.4K Likes

10.

Font - Font - Bella Lara Blondeau ... @vivarockbella "infant so tender and mild" suggests the existence of a spicy baby

11.

Font - Font - Pre K @stayfrea_ work ever kick your ass so bad you drive the speed limit home w/ no music playing?

12.

Font - Font - YAEL ... @elle91 Thate when my friends turn out to be fake. This one girl I thought was really cool ended up being three raccoons in a trench coat. 8:26 PM · 2014-09-30 · Twitter for Android 3,201 Retweets 33 Quote Tweets 6,527 Likes

13.

Font - Font - teamrocketing Follow thinking about my optometrist who was treating my eye infection and said "if it hurts, you can rinse your eye with boiled water. look at me - look at me. i want you to understand that i mean water that has been boiled and has since cooled down. not boiling water. do you understand?" like i'm so grateful for this man ensuring that I wouldn't destroy my eyes by pouring boiling water in it, because it is an adequate assessment of my intelligence weaselle Follow th

14.

Font - Water - Annelite Jueryansen 2615 nebester.deviantart.com/art/Old-Friends-351706262 startrekrenegades: boxlunches: trojanphoenix: heatherbat: aquaticallyinclined: "When they were little girls, they decided that they would be best friends forever. A whale never forgets a promise." -Anneliese Juergensen i have now died. of joy. I don't think I've seen art of an old mermaid (mermatron? mergranny?) before. I love it! Oh look it's the most amazing thing l've ever seen This is really amazing but

15.

Font - Organism - tatum @50FirstTates geometry test: prove this is a rectangle me: dude wat do u mean fucking look at it 2:15 PM · 2020-12-14 · Twitter for iPhone 217 Retweets 16 Quote Tweets 1,814 Likes

16.

Font - Organism - Patches @mostly_cheese HER: what's your sign? ME: i'm an asparagus HER: you mean aquarius ME: omg whatever, you're such a caprisun 9:41 AM · 2020-04-08 · Twitter for iPhone 448 Retweets 18 Quote Tweets 1,890 Likes

17.

Font - Joint - catchymemes Sodium, an explosive metal Chlorine, a deadly gas Table salt captain-snark Follow Do you think this type of content brings physical pain to antivaxxers? lunacornfan2k20 Follow As a chemist this is instant serotonin

18.

Font - Rectangle - dbweasel saintdeanthomas The only acceptable icing is buttercream. Whipped icing is a cowards choice and fondant people are demons and gotta meet me in the street for their poor life choices that led them to accept Play-Doh as acceptable cake decoration igot2ne1problems turn on ya location and we can talk saintdeanthomas Hope you understand sign language then cause all you're gonna be seeing is hands wolfprincess1229 Damn shits gettin real in the cake decorating fandom

19.

Font - Organism - jame @video_jame i hate toasters so much why can't u just raise the finished toast in a more calm manner 10:02 AM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 234 Retweets 23 Quote Tweets 2,487 Likes

20.

Font - Rectangle - utopians Follow Throwback to 2016 when I told my sister "they're making another planet earth" and she just like. raised an eyebrow and said in this absolutely deadpan condescending tone "and where are they getting the dirt for it?" and I had to specify I meant planet earth the nature documentary not the celestial body

21.

Font - Hair - meladoodle: i got this photo with gus from breaking bad and the conversation went like this me: "hey can you pretend this banana I found outside is a gun?" him: "it is a gun" me; "shit you're a good actor"

22.

Font - Font - carlisle-the-daddy-cullen Follow They need to redo twilight by just having the actors go back to the filming locations and try to recreate it from memory homofied Anna Kendrick couldn't even remember being in the movie. This is an amazing idea Anna Kendrick O @Annakendrick47 Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight. 3:37 am · 27/11/18 · Twitter for iPhone 177K Retweets 1.2M Likes

23.

Font - Vertebrate - reallymadscientist I work in a government-funded spider research lab at a top university and we have this in our lab:

24.

Product - didyoumissme-221b: feline-ranger: causenotsymptom: malformalady: Glass headstones Imagine a graveyard full of these on a sunny day. It would be so beautiful. I would position mine so that every day when the sun was in the right position it would set fire to the roof of someone I hated, thus achieving revenge from beyond the grave every single day. There are two kinds of people

25.

Rectangle - patrexes fun fact my cat & i are both blind so we accidentally run into each other sometimes, but bc im much louder than he is, when we get close to each other he chirps to warn me he's there BUNO PERSON IN AE actuallyblind Thank u for sharing this is beautiful solidarity

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