Saturday, January 16, 2021

Absolutely Epic Storytelling By Rob From Cyanide & Happiness


Nothing gets the reader going like a good old fashioned "choose your own adventure" story. This particular adventuresome tale by Rob from Cyanide & Happiness is as well written as it is comically absurd. You've got to hand it to Rob for really keeping the readers on their toes with all the twists we witness with a very loyal and helpful, Tim Cruise. That dragon never stood a chance. 

1.

Text - Thread F DenBleyker enBleyker ... You wake up in a dark room. There is a door to your left, a door to your right, and a chest. Go left 10% Go right 7% Open chest 83% 591 votes · Final results 1:53 PM · 2021-01-02 · Twitter for Android 62 Retweets 29 Quote Tweets 374 Likes

2.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD 3h Replying to @RobDen™ You found a wooden sword. You equip it. It smells moldy and low damagey. Go left 55% Go right 45% 555 votes · Final results 106

3.

Text - Bleyker @Rob... · 3h … You walk through the left door, ... and into a cavernous room with columns as wide as a large man. There's also a large man, in a cloak. "Who goes there??" He asks You say: "It's just me, chill yo" 55% "Where am l?" 21% (say nothing) 24% 492 votes · Final results 3 97

4.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD... · 3h "It's just me, chill yo" you say and do a deuce sign with your hand. ... "Oh shit I couldn't tell, it's so dark and cinematic in here" he replies. He offers up a chalice. "I'm Tim, you must be the player character. Wanna drink some magic juice?" he asks. Accept the juice 53% Decline the juice 7% Kill Tim 40% 426 votes · Final results 273 97

5.

Text - Rob DenBleyker ORobD.. 3h You chug-a-lug the dragon jiz or whatever the fuck, leaving none ... for Tim. "Damn boy you are thirsty lol" says Tim, laughing out loud. "Turn that cup over for a surprise" You turn it over and notice the base has three buttons that let you choose the magic power you get. Flight 23% Invisibility 40% Fast punching 37% 401 votes · Final results 95

6.

Text - Rob De Bleyker @RobD... "I CHOOSE INVISIBILITY!" you shout, startling Tim. You then remember it's button-based, so ... you press the button, ashamed. Tim says "You just press the button. You don't yell the power out loud." He sounds disappointed. You respond: I was drunk on the juice 30% I'm sorry 6% (turn invisible) 64% 389 votes · Final results 100

7.

Text - Fob DenBleyker @Ro D... · 3h •… ... You turn invisible. Tim stares awkwardly for a minute, then sits down like a shitty Skyrim character and puts on a shirt that says "you can't interact with me anymore" There is another door to the left labeled KEEP OUT. Go left 25% Go right 9% Interact with Tim 66% 410 votes · Final results 272 86

8.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD... · 2h ... "You good Tim?" Tim weeps, for he has run out of dialogue options. Go left 19% Go right 8% Interact with Tim 73% 415 votes · Final results 100

9.

Text - Kob DenBle er @RobD... · 2h "I'm sorry, Tim. I'm sorry I didn't say the right things, to keep you talking. I wish I could go back, and perhaps befriend you, but I chose the wrong things to say ... and now you are silent and sad. I hope you one day forgive me, Tim" Tim de-spawns in front of you. He is gone. Go left 60% Go right 40% 403 votes · Final results 13 106

10.

Text - ..ob DenBleyker @ROBD... · 2h … You go left through the door labeled KEEP OUT, and enter a hallway lit with candles. ... 10 feet ahead of you, a goblin with a spear jabs at the air angrily. "Who the fuck opened the door that says KEEP OUT??" You remember that you are still invisible. You reply "It's just the wind" 33% "Door did that by itself" 31% (sneak past) 36% 404 votes · Final results 92

11.

Text - Fob DenBleyker @bD... · 2h After a close 3-way vote inside your brain, you sneak past the goblin. ... The goblin spends the rest of his life questioning his sanity and drinking a lot (and goblins live a thousand years so it's even more fucked up) At the end of the hall you find two doors, one green, one red. Enter the green door 54% Enter the red door 46% 364 votes · Final results 27 111

12.

Text - Fob DenBleyker @RobD... · 2h You try to enter the green door but it's actually not real, it's a painting of a door on the wall probably designed to trick you into running into it or something. These halls are truly cursed. ... Enter the red door 59% Enter the red door 41% 383 votes · Final results 8 78

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Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD... · 2h You open the red door, and start to enter the room until you realize ... it's not a room but the opening to a huge cavern full of fiery chasms and spikes and shit. Your invisibility turns off because you ran out of mana I guess Paths to the left and right, a rope drops into a pit. Go left 11% Go right 13% Slide down rope 76% 334 votes · Final results 271 69

14.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD.. · 2h You slide down the rope and suffer severe friction burns, because I forgot to mention you've been naked this whole ... time. Your health is now low, and what's worse, unmistakable boss fight music starts to play! The rope falls down behind you. There is thick fog ahead of you. Get rope 39% Go forward 8% Cry 53% 364 votes · Final results 272 87

15.

Text - Rob DenB yker @RobD... · 2h You cry for 3 hours which is ... understandable. You are about to do more crying when an apparition appears. It's Tim! He floats in front of you. "It's me, Tim Cruise" "I knew it was you, but I didn't know your whole name." "Yeah. Sorry to interrupt the crying." You reply: I wasn't crying 50% How do I beat the boss? 25% What are y... 25% 377 votes · Final results 8 75

16.

Text - Ro DenBleyker @RobD... · 2h "I wasn't crying" you reply, "my eyeballs have a rare disease and they just do that sometimes" "Wow that sucks" says Tim. He pulls out a potion. "Perhaps this health potion will help your shitty leaky eyeballs". He hands it to you and you drink it, restoring your HP. You say: I actually WAS crying 41% How do I beat the boss? 42% Bye (end convo) 17% 347 votes · Final results

17.

Text - Rob LIDIeyker 2h ... "How do I beat the boss?" "The boss is a big dragon, you have to hit him with your sword a bunch. Also your armor level is zero, let's get you fixed up" Tim removes his cloak and underwear and puts them on you. Tim quietly says "btw it's OK to cry sometimes" and flies away. Get rope 73% Go forward 27% 302 votes · Final results 10 65

18.

Text - Rub DenBleyker @RobD... · 1h … You add the rope to your inventory, and move forward into the fog. ... The boss fight music grows ever louder, and now there's some cool drums intermixed too. You must be getting close. You start to think about your life, in particular the time you Met Tim while naked 30% Saw Tim naked 35% Traumatized a goblin 35% 348 votes · Final results 78

19.

Text - Ro DenBieyker @RobD. · 1h You reflect on seeing Tim disrobe in front of you. The kindness in his eyes, as he took off his tighty whities and put them on you, still ... warm. Tim Cruise, your only friend. Is he up there watching over you? Is he dead? Who knows? You exit the fog and see a dragon, asleep. Yell at it 24% Sneaky sword attack 23% Tie it up with rope 53% 342 votes · Final results 57

20.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @Robl 1h ... You quickly move to tie up the dragon, but only have enough rope to tie its feet together. The dragon wakes up with a mighty roar and his mouth smells like garbage so you puke all over the ground. "WHO DARES AWAKE THE FINAL BOSS DRAGON?" he bellows. The music is really cool now Attack with sword 26% Run away 9% Reason with it 65% 357 votes · Final results 55

21.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @Rob D... ·1h You clear your throat and make your pitch: "You're a bigass dragon, and I'm a guy with a sword sooooo000" You shrug. The dragon considers what you've said, and eventually agrees that this all makes sense. He lunges toward you and bites off your left arm. Sword attack 37% Run away 4% Cry 59% 364 votes · Final results O 10 54

22.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @F bD... ·1h You use CRY, and it is not effective. The dragon bites off your other arm and throws your sword across the room. Your HP is at 1 and your arms are at 0. Suddenly Tim appears. "Watch out, he's got an eye infection" The dragon stares blankly. "the fuck did you say" You reply Tim is right 46% No I'm actually just sad 14% Ow ow fuck my arms ow 40% 358 votes · Final results 62

23.

Text - ROw DenBleyker @RobD... ·1h "He's right!" you cry while crying. ... .·· "I'm manly man who never cries but my eyeballs are sick and gross, and highly contagious. They are full of pus that looks like tears but it's not tears because I have never cried before" The dragon lurches back, then turns and starts to flee. Chase dragon 19% Squirt tears at dragon 81% 358 votes · Final results 53

24.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD... · 1h ·… ... You squirt weaponized sadness at the beast. "AW FUCK EWW GROSS NOO" yells the dragon, as it begins to run. But its feet are tied up! "Aw SHIT fuck my ass" yells the majestic beast as it trips and falls on your moldy sword, stabbing itself through the heart. You have won. You Do a victory dance 31% Say something badass 38% Stand there stoically 31% 358 votes · Final results Q 15 78

25.

Text - Rob DenBleyker @RobD... ·1h …. "All roped up and nowhere to go. Sword through the heart and I'm to blame. Looks like... eye killed him." "Those we're all pretty badass things to say" Tim interjects "but maybe choose one and workshop it. I can help, I'm good at dialogue now" Which catchphrase do you workshop? The rope one 17% The sword one 33% The eyeball one 50% 355 votes · Final results 8 56

26.

Text - Rob Denbieyker @Rob...·56m "The eyeball one" ... Tim thinks for a moment, then says "I guess looks... CAN kill." You agree that his catchphrase is better. Tim Cruise looks at you sadly. "I guess this is goodbye then. Hey... what should we call you when we write legends about this?" Dragonstabber 10% Stinky Eyeball Man 24% Tim Hanks 39% SeƱor Invisiblo 27% 298 votes · Final results 64

27.

Text - Rob [enBleyker @Ro... ·48m And thus was born the legend of Tim Hanks. The townspeople cheered for him, and built so ... many statues in his honor that different townspeople got annoyed because there were too many statues. Tim Hanks went on to do many more adventures, and also his arms grew back. The End. O 14 278 244

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