Friday, November 13, 2020

Funny and Dumb Tweets to Smoosh Into That Day


Twitter is the place where a lot of people go to off-gas their dumbest ideas, making it the perfect receptacle for funny weirdness under 140 characters. So put on your pith helmet and lace up your meat-boots, cause there's a whole lot more sick tweets from the twitter-verse to sift through.

1.

Text - Scary Gillis @living_marble My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs And they're like, you're entombing us alive Damn right, l'm entombing you alive | could free you But l'm entombing you alive

2.

Text - nate of the living dead @MNateShyamalan [first day as snake oil salesman] are your snakes too damn squeaky

3.

Text - spaceghoul incognito @iamspacegirl friend: lol you could just call a guy named Richard 'Dick' and he wouldn't know if it's an insult [later] me: hey richard, you fucking dick.

4.

Text - Mike is short for Micycle @BunkBedWoody Replying to @ronnui_ *me singing in my head* United States Mutant Ninja Turtles USMNT United States men's national soccer team

5.

Text - nate of the living dead @MNateShyamalan are there sour patch adults? or are these guys unsupervised

6.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Website: Make a password Me: Ok Website: Make it STRONGER so you don't get HACKED Me: Wow alright Website: Damn that's a strong password [1 Week Later] Website: You got hacked Me: But my password was so strong Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

7.

People - shelby wolstein @ShelbyWolstein when mom calls: You may also like [Photos] Remember Her? Well, She Died

8.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss [before google] me: hey do you know if birds dream? stranger: nope me: ok

9.

Text - Author Abby Jimenez is on hiatus @AuthorAbbyJim Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really? He's best friends with a ball??? Me during quarantine: Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch

10.

Text - Sophie @jil_slander Girls with Ouija board: omg ok does Josh have a crush on Katie Me, the spirit of a Medieval serf: man I don't fuckin know. Sure

11.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby You don't have to spend a lot of money on Halloween candy. I got these Reeeces Curps from the dollar store and you know what? They are terrible.

12.

Text - the monster nash™M @itsnashflynn the worst pyramid scheme i've ever been a part of is having kids. i'm one person, i made two people. but so far i've made no money and both of my new co-workers live in my house?? where is hr

13.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Chicken soup is a great remedy for the common cold but it's even better if you replace the broth with Monster Energy Drink

14.

Text - Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn [giving a speech at a retirement party] ME: Don you old fuck *coworkers all laugh* ME: *flips to next index card* that's all Ihad

15.

Text - Coach Zoe II @Jupinapapi2 Publix giving out free subs to anyone that can outrun security! A A

16.

Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 bruce wayne: i am going to help the citizens of gotham alfred: that's wonderful sir which public assistance programs will you help fund bruce wayne: alfred, dress me like a bat

17.

Text - Plague Vendor @MrButterChicken When someone says that they forgot to eat, I don't believe them because that has never happened to me in my entire life.

18.

Text - Ray @SirEviscerate "Fracking" is short for "Fraggle Rocking", because the oil comes from crushing Muppet bones.

19.

Text - Whalke a firo? 4 And why does your friend, Dracula What's the wo @Remember_Sarah Burn I really appreciate how little effort went into the word fireplace

20.

Text - thomas @perfectsweeties [first date with optimus prime] me: so tell me about urself optimus prime: well im a pretty big car guy

21.

Text - pat tobin @tastefactory Oh man, the weather tomorrow is supposed to be chef's hat all day Thursday Friday

22.

Face - pat tobin @tastefactory This headline took a dramatic turn Stereogum @stereogum · 2h Phil Collins demands Trump stop playing his music, ex-wife end armed occupation of his house bit.ly/3mmdox5 OCEANDRIVE PREAMS ORIANNE & PHIL COLLINS LITTLE DREAMS FOUNDATION dre ams come true. "GITTLE RCAMS ORIANNE & PH LITTLE DE FOUN

23.

Text - all the time mais @maisondecris *thinks my friend Liz's full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

24.

Text - tomBSTONE @pilau teacher: welcome to witch school, the only place you're allowed to curse haha kid: hell yeah mother fu- teacher: not like that

25.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby "More like Brewsday, right fellas?!" | yell at my assorted GI Joes as I drink my fourth unrefrigerated Coors Light of the morning

26.

Text - John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I'm not a pillow

27.

Text - mike ginn O @shutupmikeginn Fantasy author: the dark elves lived deep, deep, in the Black Forest. Me: that's where my ham comes from

28.

Text - Crockett @CrockettForReal Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

29.

Text - Natty Lumpo @nattylumpo88 If duct-taping a matchbox trans am to one's ear and pretending it's a bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe -- hang on. I've got to take this.

30.

Text - the monster nash" TM @itsnashflynn sobbing while eating kitkats provides an interesting and dare i say tasty saltiness

31.

Text - Amy @cableknitjumper NASA?? oh you mean the cowards who would rather go to space than face what's in the ocean

32.

Text - phil p @advicefromphil Me: [taking my hoodie off] My tee: l'd rather I came

33.

Text - Kalvonavirus @KalvinMacleod Lollipops would be better if you didn't have to eat the stick.

34.

Text - martin bearne @BearneMartin I was on a diabetes website and it asked me if I would "accept cookies" which I thought was some sort of test.

35.

Text - wint @dril PROSECUTION: Is it true, that on the evening of Sept 3rd, 2006, you posted the word "Jeams" ME: (swallowing cyanide pill) I dont recall.

36.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss [first day as pilot] me: *on intercom* is anyone allergic to nuts? [passengers looking around confused] me: cuz this flight is gonna be nu- *i do a barrel roll and immediately vomit* oh no it's me

37.

Text - CynicalTherapist @CynicalTherapi 1 I like eating Nerds because 'm secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

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