Saturday, October 17, 2020

Fresh Batch Of Totally Random, Funny Tweets


We could all use a break from the stress-inducing headlines that are seemingly in a competition to be the most unsettling. These funny tweets are totally random, but also hilarious, and just entertaining enough to distract you from the madness of this dystopian time for a little while. 

1.

Text - Perry Sloan @SloanPerry when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom

2.

Text - Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite I wouldn't even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably. 8:48 AM - 1 Apr 2012 878 RETWEETS 1,867 LIKES

3.

Text - Male Thoughts @SteveStfier I just got my girlfriend a 'get better soon' card. she isn't sick, I just think she can get better.

4.

Text - Goat FacE @EndhooS *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

5.

Text - Khalifa +, @KKAIThani Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

6.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: What's for dinner? Me: Leftovers. 6: But I didn't like it the first time. Me: That's why we have so much left. 4:04 PM · 12 Jan 17 >

7.

Text - leo dominguez @oledominguez COLGAT Almost left the grocery store without buying a bag of spring mix to throw, unopened, into the garbage in two weeks 7/9/18, 5:30 PM 9,279 Retweets 46.7K Likes

8.

Text - Ray @SirEviscerate *accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* *makes distant thunder noises with mouth* 8/6/14, 7:43 AM 14.2K RETWEETS 25K LIKES

9.

Text - ♡ brian essbe ♡ @SortaBad One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot. 8:34 PM · 25 Apr 16 5,301 RETWEETS 10K LIKES <>

10.

Text - Derrick a @_ayosworldd it took me 19 years to realize that when someone says "hold your horses" they're telling me to be stable

11.

Text - Kalvin @KalvinMacleod Dads Anonymous DAD: go on, it's safe here ME: sometimes I don't cut the grass in a pattern *one dad vomits, another stops grilling entirely* 8/21/16, 2:30 PM

12.

Text - John Darby @mrjohndarby wife: i'm leaving you me: is it because i speak so quietly? wife: well you could at least say something

13.

Text - sam rhys @sam_rhys i might be going mad but are the two e's in bee actually silent ??

14.

Text - nicole boyce @nicolewboyce I NEVER restore all old tabs. If I lose them in a restart, they're gone. It is a blessing to be set free from a prison of my own creation

15.

Text - your bff alex @psybermonkey The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

16.

Text - Jim Clark 1w Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn't have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn't think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, "So when will I die?" He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they'll both be fine

17.

Text - naan swanson @johnbiehl When anyone asks "guess who I ran into today?" | always say "zamfir, master of the panflute?" To this day no one has ever said yes. Beginning to wonder if zamfir, master of the panflute is ok, if you know zamfir, master of the panflute please tell him I'm starting to worry, ty 1/20/18, 2:42 AM

18.

Text - @highkeylost police officer: please step out of the vehicle me: are u mad at me

19.

Text - Patches @Mostly Cheese Cop: You're driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (shouting) It's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

20.

Text - L7 tomsauced Retweeted unanimated corpse @davidkenny100 I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries 16/02/2017, 16:22 428 RETWEETS 832 LIKES

21.

Text - Robyn Porteous @RobynPorteous Wanna know why I hate Vapers? You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking 'mmmm I'm gonna treat myself to something tasty." But NO. It's just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

22.

Text - Dan @DanGibsonwain Ineed to start wearing a GoPro on nights out so l can pinpoint where exactly it all goes wrong

23.

Text - tweet appraiser @wownicetweets I was like what the fuck is this dog barking at untilI saw he was wearing a bluetooth 5/14/14, 1:03 PM 4,546 RETWEETS 7,420 LIKES

24.

Text - nina @ninatreemonkey {Commercial for Floors} Is this you? {footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion} 7/29/15, 7:11 PM 2,721 RETWEETS 5,077 LIKES

25.

Text - Michael Wong @chinaboytellem If you are behind someone at an ATM late at night, let them know you're not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck. 11/22/12 15:14

26.

Text - Dorky Romano Follow @SuperApple80 The best part about marriage is getting in trouble for going to the bathroom when your spouse was thinking about going to the bathroom.

27.

Text - Christina H. Sommers @CHSommers Want to close wage gap? Step one: Change your major from feminist dance therapy to electrical engineering. #NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay

28.

Text - keet o @KeetPotato therapist: do any sounds annoy you me: real sounds or imaginary sounds therapist: [curious] lets say imaginary me: spider wearing flip flops 24/01/2017, 11:02 1,665 RETWEETS 4,191 LIKES

29.

Text - IRAldo @aldomax_ Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

30.

Yellow - cortí Follow @omgcorti How white dads answer the phone. 4:37 PM - 4 Nov 2017

31.

Text - Derv @dearbhlaaa 64 you ever spend so long in bed you start feeling like the grandparents from charlie and the chocolate factory 29/12/2017, 9:07 am

32.

Text - Follow @bonnntle Ladies , what would you do if you found another girls nudes on your mans phone? RETWEETS LIKES 7 7 9:03 PM - 8 May 2017 6 11 17 7 Brinda Follow @_Rebas Send them to myself. When he asks for my nudes, l'll send hers again.

33.

Text - Mark Ellis Follow @markellislive Actual text from my Uber driver. Apparently he is proclaiming that he is the King of all burgers in the land. Text Message Today 10:23 PM I'm hereby Burger King

34.

Text - Mother Of Sarcasm @SarcasmMother We spend five days a week pretending to be someone else in order to spend two days being who we are.

35.

Text - 1 Joe Hill retweeted Matt Roller @rolldiggity New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

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