Thursday, June 11, 2020

Totally Random, Funny, And Bizarre Tumblr Nuggets


Nothing gets us going like a nice Tumblr rabbit hole, or a strange observation from a Tumblr user with too much (or just enough) time on their hands. Tumblr has a well established and deserved reputation for regularly churning out comedy gold. These gems are fresh and full of just our kind of weird. See for yourself. 

1.

Text - hypohelmet life advice: never say anything to a penguin that the penguin has not already said to you hypohelmet this reads like a shitpost but i'm actually 100% serious. i was walking along the side of the harbour this evening, just after all the penguins had come in from the ocean to nest. there was one penguin right by the footpath, and when it saw me it kept saying 'höö'. so i said 'höö' right back. it seemed to like that, and we had a lovely conversation where we just kept saying 'höö

2.

Text - BAD JOKES badjokesbyjeff Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not silentraptor4000 Plz Jeff, change your url

3.

Text - frostedlips: polar-bite: clientsfromhell: Client: Do you do lemonade? Me: Do we do... lemonade? Client: Yes, I was told you do that here. Me: I'm sorry. this is a graphics and print shop. Client: I know that. I'm not an idiot. Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to - Client: Look If you can't lemonade these papers for me then l'll go somewhere else! Me: Do you mean.. laminate? RETAIL IVE NEVER LAUGHED HARDER IN MY LIFE

4.

Text - spicy-vagina-tacos 5 sapphic-agent-4 Follow dumbass-bitch-disease Tony Hawk is like fucking Perry the Platypus because if I saw him without a skateboard l'd be like "A man" and the second he picks up a skateboard l'd be like "TONY HAWK?!?!?!?!?!" therealraewest This basically sums up all his tweets 16 315 notes

5.

Text - lancerbuck 5 billysquirrel Follow just-shower-thoughts Mammals both produce milk and have hair. Ergo, a coconut is a mammal. maliwanhellfires I know you're being facetious, but this is an actual issue with morphology-based phylogeny.

6.

Text - castiel-for-king Deactivated *leans over and whispers to person beside me* what are they talking about SA sonneillonv *leans over and whispers back* Human ability to quantify and categorize natural phenomena is sketchy at best and wildly misleading at worst

7.

Text - nonlinear-nonsubjective consider the coconut bemusedlybespectacled this reminds me of that time Plato defined humans as "featherless bipeds" and Diogenes ran in with a plucked chicken screaming "BEHOLD A MAN!"

8.

Text - erotic-yoddeling i love how you say "it reminds me of that time" like you were there. heartgemsona listen if an immortal feels brave and supported enough to come out we should respect them

9.

Text - baaaaaaaaaaaaааaaaaа This post is a journey virtuous-thing 1 Reblog = 1 Respect dovewithscales I maintain that humans started attempting classify animals, and some god or another made the platypus, and is still laughing.

10.

Text - messy-scandinoodle Zeus: *hits joint* okay so like. It's gonna have a duck bill right. But an otter body okay? And then a beaver tail. It's a mammal. But. It lays eggs! Hades: wait wait dude. Give it. Give it poison. Make it poisonous dovewithscales Athena: You mean venomous, and make sure the eggs have both reptile and bird traits. Hermes: *takes the joint* Give it extra senses. Poseidon: It should be aquatic.

11.

Text - hyratel I MEAN where's the lie dovewithscales Demeter: . And where exactly do you expect me to put this? Everyone: Australia. реpoluan This thread goes every which way and is a glorious thing begat by Tumblr.

12.

Text - jupitermami don't date someone who doesn't put the grocery cart back in the cart return somesleeze It's called creating jobs ollivander actually its called 'not being rude and making someone's job easier' fortooate *pours box of cornflakes directly onto the floor of Aisle 7* it's called creating jobs sweetie ;) 706,854 notes

13.

Text - kidouyuuto how did they learn to translate languages into other languages how did they know which words meant what HOW DID TH brigwife English Person: *Points at an apple* Apple French Person: Non c'est une pomme *800 years of war*

14.

Text - verbivore8642 Fun fact: There are a lot of rivers in the UK named "avon" because the Romans arrived and asked the Celts what the rivers were called. The Celts answered "avon." "Avon" is just the Celtic word for river. thejazzykittykat Fan Fact #2: When Spanish conquistadors landed in the Yucatán peninsula, they asked the natives what their land was called and they responded "Yucatán". In 2015, it was discovered that in those mesoamerican languages, "Yucatán" meant "I don't understand what

15.

Text - robotmoxie-blog secondhand embarrassment is pure agony and i wish a lot of comedy didnt rely on it vaspider I cannot deal with it. I have to literally leave the room. ahaze It's a sign of being extremely empathetic. a kelssiel thanks! i hate it, how do i uninstall? Source: robotmoxie-blog 483,951 notes

16.

Text - gingerhastoomanyobsessions Apple Bottom Genes @xoDr.. · 7h This sounds like the beginning of Dracula but with more people involved V Variety O @Variety · 20h A Bolivian orchestra has been stranded in a German castle for 73 days during the pandemic. The castle's woodlands are home to several packs of wolves bit.ly/2ZvaAWd 27 20 146 I can't breathe brawitogethernow Best wishes to these people obviously but l'm WHEEZING at the concept of a standard horror plot starter but the stranded travel

17.

Text - tupacabra name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense prettygirlfrommichigan wat are u talking about they all make scents tupacabra shut the fuck up

18.

Text - My reasons for doing things: 1. Spite 2. The Aesthetic That's it. missveils okay i lied 3. Attention

19.

Text - just-shower-thoughts Even though they have no correlation whatsoever 7x7=49 and Thursday feel the exact same. totallyjazzed same with 5x5=25 and Friday, they have the same energy so does November and Thursday www IrceMANWat are you two FUCKING talking about?

20.

Text - swyrs yesterday i learned about a mythical creature called a squonk that lives in the hemlock forests of pennsylvania and is so ashamed of how it looks that it spends 80% of its time crying, only comes out at night, and if you corner it it will literally physically dissolve into puddle of its own tears until you go away and if that's not the most relatable thing i've ever heard idk what is melissaknowsthings great, people are talking about me now

21.

Text - fallingtowers.tumblr.com interesting fact about me is that I have a great memory but I also have a shit memory fallingtowers.tumblr.com what this means in practice is I can recite any number of simpsons scenes verbatim but I can't remember what I did last week > D E ♡

22.

Text - REI tilthat TIL Male mice fed yogurt were shown to have 10x fur density/luster, larger testicles, and more swagger via reddit.com o-requiem Mmm we will eat chobani today lads norwayspruce is there a quantifiable method of measuring mouse swag? ndiecity Bro if you saw these mouses you'd know

23.

Text - A tinsnip Don't assume malice. Assume ignorance. Life is easier, the world is kinder, and you can educate. Actual malice is pretty rare, I find. froborr Always remember Hanlon's Razor-"Never assume malice when incompetence will suffice as an explanation." That's said, never forget Fred Clark's Law, either: "Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice." There's a certain point at which ignorance becomes malice-at which there is simply no way to become that ignorant

24.

Text - ladybugsfanfics s dirtychocolatec... Follow momlonde-d...ated20130315 do you ever see a photograph of someone really attractive from like the 1800s and you suddenly get pissed because they've been dead for like 200 years and you probably don't have a chance with them dersely Follow "probably" 901,200 notes

25.

Text - draeneis someone: coca cola can remove rust from metal imagine what its doing to your body me: pff getting rid of the rust idiot tomo-takehito THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS draeneis hmm. i've been drinking soda and my body's rust free. not sure where youre getting your facts from. Source: draeneis 240,952 notes

26.

Automotive exterior - lycanthropanic Im ok with the lack of context but at the same time l desperately want the context htmlbyjoe next time he'll think before he cheats

27.

Text - existentialcrisisetcetera Current favourite thing: Strange tumblr curses like "Ill shred your shoes" or "I'll fill the lobby with sand" black--lavend3r it's all fun and games until you forget to filter yourself and are now known in the office for threatening to steal people's teeth mamoru sorry, you what? black--lavend3r i work for a game developer so we have playtests and i was on voice chat with my team and this one dude made an absolutely goddamn atrocious pun so i told him "im going t

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