Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Marriage Tweets That Didn't Hold Anything Back


If there's one thing that these hilarious and unfiltered tweets about marriage prove, it's that the experience is just like an emotional rollercoaster. You have the good days and the bad days, and will continually be tested by that partner as you navigate life together. 

1.

Text - Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos

2.

Text - Pete Lynch @PJTLynch Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

3.

Text - Underchilde @Underchilde Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.

4.

Text - Josh @iwearaonesie My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

5.

Text - Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Following Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

6.

Text - keith @tchrquotes Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only... Me: EXACTLY the amount

7.

Text - Josh @iwearaonesie Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

8.

Text - Follow David Hughes @david8hughes Me: theres a man outside fighting with water Wife: the neighbour? Me: yes Wife: is he in the pool? Me: yes Wife: again, its called swimming

9.

Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland 12 Dec 2016 I feel bad that my wife lost the thermostat negotiations but it's hilarious to watch her eat dinner in mittens. Oops dropped her fork again.

10.

Text - Floyd @dafloydsta Follow WIFE: I think the milk has gone bad *opens fridge and sees milk in a leather jacket smoking a cig* ME: holy shit

11.

Text - The Pale Space Rider @truegritrumble Follow WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys. ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this.

12.

Text - Bear Knee Sanders Retweeted The Hype @TheHyyyype 4 Nov 2016 FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up "pulls out photo" this is my manager tim 17 748 1.5K

13.

Text - Rob - Follow @rockymomax WIFE: let's see a movie ME: I know something better we can do in the dark *winks* [cut to me destroying her in laser tag] ME: WWWO00000000

14.

Text - Bear Knee Sanders Follow @LeBearGirdle Wife: can you pick up milk? Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy Wife: I mean from the store Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

15.

Text - Rob Follow @rockymomax WIFE: where's the baby ME: I traded a guy for this sandwich WIFE: what? ME: haha l'm kidding WIFE: oh thank god ME: I also got a snickers

16.

Text - garbage island kyle @hippieswordfish ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong

17.

Text - Max Dylan Ash Follow @mynameisntdave ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

18.

Text - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie [texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

19.

Text - Br&on the Cow @Brampersandon_- 8 Dec 2016 WIFE: I like to be serious but he likes to joke around. So we often butt heads. ME: lol she said butt THERAPIST: lol nice *high 5s me* 7 19 V 78 ...

20.

Text - Kent G. Follow @KentTheG My wife just banished me from cookie decorating for using the yellow icing to have my cookie reindeer pee on her cookie snowman.

21.

Text - Kent Graham @KentWGraham - 31 Dec 2016 ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly)...vegetables. 6 4 t7 147 286

22.

Text - Floyd @dafloydsta 14 Oct 2016 WIFE: Let's talk about your passive-aggressive behavior. ME: Or we could talk about the fact that no one likes you, Karen. 17 429 V 884

23.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: I'm so ready for the kids' Christmas pageant. Wife: *confiscates my flask* Me: OK, now I'm ready. Wife: *confiscates my backup flask*

24.

Text - Kalvin @KalvinMacleod 29 Nov 2016 WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

25.

Text - Gian D'Oh Follow @GianDoh I can feel my wife clothing me with her eyes.

26.

Text - Merlot's BFF Retweeted Josh @iwearaonesie 26 Dec 2016 wife: Can you test the baby monitor? me *goes into toddlers room* *starts telling yo' mama jokes* *turns around* wife me wife me: It works

27.

Text - Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 - 5 Oct 2015 Kids: What's for dinner? Me: We're having hair. Wife: IT'S BLACK BEAN PASTA. Me: Oh. It's black bean pasta. Me: [mouths to kids] Hair.

28.

Text - The Pan-Midwesterner Retweeted Sinistral Sasquatch @_sinistroll - Jan 3 WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey 17 45 138 ...

29.

Text - Abam Droud Follow @AdamBroud [Married sext] Wife: What are you wearing? Me: Just my underwear Wife: So you still haven't done the laundry? ME: No I have not

30.

Text - Kalvin Follow @KalvinMacleod WIFE: *tightens tie* the shoes really make the man МE: WIFE: *tightens tie* МE: WIFE: *tightens tie* ME: *gasping* I'll take off the sandals

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