Saturday, October 3, 2020

Comedy Gems From Twitter's Funniest Dad


Just in case you weren't already aware, James Breakwell is infamous in the Twitter realm for churning out comedy gems about the fleeting triumphs and frequent stresses of raising children. Any parent that has experienced the emotional rollercoaster of raising some kids will relate with these tweets. He also shares some funny moments from his marriage that are sure to strike some chords for married folks as well.

1.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Wife: *points to 2-year-old* She's eating chips for breakfast! Me: I didn't let her. Wife: Me: I was eating them and she overpowered me. >

2.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Me: I took out the garbage. Wife: Wow, you did one whole chore. Do you want a cookie? Me: Wife: What? Me: Are there really cookies?

3.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: No school on Monday! Me: What do you want to do? 6: Not go to school. Me: What else? 6: What else do I need?

4.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Wife: My secret chocolate stash is gone. Me: I have no idea why. Wife: You're the only one who can reach it. Me: I have one idea why.

5.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: Why do you take a long time in the bathroom? Wife: To look pretty 6: Why doesn't Dad take a long time? Wife: There's no hope.

6.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Me: I have people skills. Wife: You make everyone avoid you. Me: That takes skill.

7.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: I cleaned up the mess in my room like you asked Me: There's still a ton of stuff on the floor 4: That's a new, different mess

8.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Breaking news: My kid is crying. Note I said "kid," not "kids." This is the quietest my house has ever been. | think l'll take a nap. >

9.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn How to put on socks like my 4-year- old: 1) Put on one sock. 2) Sing for 20 minutes. 3) Put on the other sock. 4) Wonder why we're late.

10.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn I told my kids l'd turn the car around if they didn't shape up They knew I was bluffing Going home would mean spending more time with them

11.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn My wife texted to ask if I bought paper towels I said I got a boatload My phone changed it to "butt loaf" Now my wife has many questions

12.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn Me: I'm sorry. Wife: For what? Me: Oh. Nothing. I did nothing.

13.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: What's for dinner? Me: Leftovers. 6: But I didn't like it the first time. Me: That's why we have so much left.

14.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn I'm so out of it I just asked my dog to hand me something. To be fair, he gave me the same blank stare my kids would have.

15.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: *walks in with an empty sleeve and an arm tucked inside her shirt* Me: What happened to you? 4: Lightsaber.

16.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie* Me: You can't just skip to the happy ending. 6: I don't have time for problems.

17.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Me: What's wrong? 4-year-old: I'm always thinking about cake. Me: *holds her tight* It never stops.

18.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 4: I need less friends. Me: Why? 4: They want to share my snacks Me: What if they have snacks to share with you? 4: I need more friends. <>

19.

Text - James Breakwell O @XplodingUnicorn My wife and I are about to assemble a TV stand as a team. I'm telling you now because this is probably my last post as a married man. <>

20.

Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Wife: *gets back from the butcher shop* They said this is the hottest sausage l'll ever have. Me: Actually- Wife: NO.

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