Tuesday, July 28, 2020

A Bushel of Funny Tweets to Savor


When it's not actively imploding all over itself, Twitter births some wildly creative, extremely dumb, and supremely clever jokes. Sometimes you need ridiculous musings in the form of tweets to give that day a boost. Are they often stupid? Yeah. Are they basically funny? Definitely. Heap some funny tweets onto that day.

1.

Text - JB 4Realz @JB4Realz son *showing me some gloppy thing he made out of play-doh*: do you like my creation? me *remembering creating him, an actual human being*: it's a'ight, i guess.

2.

Product - christina @floozyesq its called shoplifting TARGET SPONSORED BY WIKIBUY This genius checkout trick can drop your Target total instantly SEE MORE

3.

Text - Melanie Gibson @lmMelanieGibson I say we change the word fuck to duck and show autocorrect who's really in charcoal around here.

4.

Text - confused wizard club @geekysteven According to the CDC website the #1 killer is still lucky_punx73 on Call of Duty, an absolute legend

5.

Organism - that one guy from that thing @urvillageidiot pretty much a worst case scenario

6.

Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Detective: where were you between 2 and 4? Me *confidently* preschool

7.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense Me: So where's all the security? John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we're on our own

8.

Text - cory @harvardgraduat moses: *parts the red sea* fish: ok wtf [later] fish's boss: why were u late fish: ur not gonna believe this

9.

Text - Gravy Facts @GravyFact Don't have any money? Hand the cashier some gravy! They will ask you to leave almost immediately.

10.

Road - Paul @bingowings 14 Fingers crossed it's hummus Hidden dip

11.

Text - neeza @vinniejpeg he keeps texting me saying "busy with COD" what does this fish have that i don't

12.

Footwear - @Lixinct These are all well and good until you cross your legs = Q asos DO PE

13.

Text - Matt @matttomic This photo of Lance Armstrong, the Undertaker and Matthew McConaughey reminds me of being sat at wedding table 30 in the far corner reserved for "miscellaneous friends/coworkers" trying to make conversation RDOMLY'S 86 LE TYSON OWN

14.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Hey did y'all order DoorDash?

15.

Text - horse massacre @torqpenderloin post rock band names are out of control NEWS ANALYSIS Your Ancestors Knew Death in Ways You Never Will

16.

Text - suki @desukidesu ★★★★★ Wow this huge wooden horse is great! [Review updated] * * ** Ok what the fuck

17.

Text - ! cam ! @climaxximus me: here comes greg, he's always talking about scarecrows greg: hey man me: omg shut the fuck up greg

18.

Text - tatum @50FirstTates i am panicking thinking about how when u close ur eyes they don't turn off. they kind of just. keep looking? at ur closed eyelids. this is bullshit

19.

Text - Lumberzack @ltsLumberzack Budweis "go big or go home" bro i would love to go home right now

20.

Text - human aaron @humanaaron I like dogs just as much as the next guy, but how you gonna bark at me when I'm a block away on the other side of the street? Bruh this isn't your jurisdiction. What are you even accusing me of? I want to talk to your manager

21.

Text - pat regan @poregan every 18 seconds l'm like "do I have covid or is that just what it feels like to have a throat?"

22.

Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Son: Daddy, there's a monster under my bed Me *ruffles his hair* why do you think I chose the other room?

23.

Text - Adam Sharp @AdamCSharp Cute animal rhymes to say farewell: 8. In a while, crocodile 7. Toodle loo, kangaroo 6. Ciao for now, jersey cow 5. Why you still here, white-tailed deer 4. Just piss off, gypsy moth 3. Go to hell, red gazelle 2. Kiss my hole, woodland vole 1. Off you fuck, crested duck

24.

Text - Jim Office @dogboner thought about finally getting my shit together but it's already like 8pm. maybe tomorrow

25.

Text - thomas @thombodytolove "do u have protection" i feel around my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. "im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer." the night is ruined for

26.

Text - tom @pilau Doing all the side missions in a video game makes you a king but doing them irl is procrastination

27.

Text - eric curtin O @dubstep4dads a little over a year ago i received this dm. every day since, ive lived in fear 12:19 IKEA USA @IKEAUSA IKEA meatball 4/12/19, 4:41 PM

28.

Text - John Ness O @JohnNess "Why don't you take a stab at this" is a weird thing Americans say to each other

29.

Text - Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn The worlds leading scientists have laughed at, but offered no evidence to refute, my theory that rising sea levels are the result of there being lots and lots of boats in them

30.

Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns Sheriff: red rover red rover Criminal 1: is that allowed? Criminal 2 [releasing hostage]: rules are rules

31.

Text - Saddington 2 @2Saddington The Robert Frost poem about two paths but one path is believing it's not butter and the other is not believing it's not butter

32.

Text - clean slate @PleaseBeGneiss Dying man: tell my wife I love her Me: that sounds emotionally draining Dying man: please Me: can I text her Dying man: no Me: what's her snap

33.

Text - Gío @GioLicaj Is my boss okay iMessage Today 1:07 PM What are we doing Just existing I guess :/ I meant for work tomorrow Read 1:09 PM Oh, be in at 8

34.

Text - soul nate @MNateShyamalan customer: i would like a sandwich of something that fits easily between slices of bread and wants to stay there me, the inventor of the meatball sub: first of all shut the fuck dn

35.

Adaptation - scott.fw.png O @_scottjohnson starting an e-mail off with "i hope this e-mail finds you well" in this year our lord 2020

36.

Text - Pessimus Prime Minister @BigJDubz Reviews of Hogwarts ***** "The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft" "Great teachers, superb quidditch field" ☆☆☆☆ "At least one student dies every year"

37.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Me: I took these shrooms but I dont think they're doing anything. Mario: Were you big already?

38.

Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 me: *handing out drink samples* i call it coffee I| mark cuban: *takes sip* omg it's awful me: well they're poisoned mark cuban: what me: can i interest u in a small stake in the coffee Il antidote market

39.

Text - Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff MARIO: It's-a Me, Mario! WITNESS PROTECTION AGENT: (rubbing temples) Let's go over this, again.

40.

Text - jo @WhaJoTalkinBout me: do you offer anything *lowers voice* on the side? drug dealer: Ilike what me: *lowers voice even more* curly fries

41.

Text - mo @chuuew PASSENGER: How long have you had your pilots license? ME: [flicking "wheels go up" button] Licenses are for driving, dummy

42.

Text - Patrick Hogan O @phogan Apparently swiffer wet wipes come in zip-lock bags in case you want to eat one now and save the rest for later

43.

Text - thomas @thombodytolove how can a train run on gravy. i have crunched the numbers and it simply is not possible

44.

Text - Chris Gayomali O @chrisgayomali dream way to die is to slowly be lowered into a vat of molten metal like the Terminator but instead of a thumbs up it's a

45.

Text - Dr. Bucky Isotope for President @Buckylsotope Hey @FinalFantasy I don't think you guys know what the word "final" means

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