Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Gems from the Churning Minds of Tumblr


Tumblr is a website of thoughts bouncing from one thing to another, filled with Tumblr rabbit holes to fill time and wildly creative thoughts like the idea of an alien invasion being fought off by wildlife. That said, a lot of it is silly puns, weird facts and people being dumb for dumbness sake.

1.

Face - You're teleported to 44 BCE Rome in your everyday street clothes. You're brought before Caesar and he believes you might be from the future, hoping to bring him fortune. One day he questions you, asking "How Do I Die?" calamitouserebus "Surrounded by friends" gardenoffish Ceasers as he's getting stabbed and remembers:

2.

Text - illegal-move If i were to decide that I wanted to shitpost I could do so at an astounding pace. The conk creat foundations of the internet would shake under the weight of my massive shitpost. Oh how the skies would vibrate from the sound of horns heralding the arrival of my shitty blog. The gods themselves would roll their anime eyes #Ohohoho #l'm potentially a powerful boy #my hands are shaking

3.

Text - rosswoodpark Everyone talks about how animals can see colors we can't but I wanna know wtf my dog is smelling for three minutes on the sidewalk genderflaccid That's conk creat babey!!!!! Source: rosswoodpark

4.

Text - Y REI i tilthat TIL that 23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus' ship "Santa Maria" was named "Juan". via reddit.com krinkshame That's nearly a three to juan ratio recoil-operated You son of a bitch purplespaladin Wouldn't that be four to juan? mens-rights-activia No, 3 to Juan is correct because for every 4 people, 3 are not Juan and one is Juan; 3:1 means there are 4 parts all together, 75%:25%, that's how ratios work

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Cheezburger Image 9481171456

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Text - official-deutschland: adhdheather: to remember how many feet there are in a mile, u just gotta use 5 tomatoes five to-mate-oes sounds like five, two, eight, 0 and there's 5280 feet in a mile To remember how many meters there are in a kilometre you just remember "1000" because the system of measurement in the rest of the world wasn't invented by a drunk mathematician rolling dice.

7.

Text - dumbasian why is bruno mars so weird about some girl opening her eyes while shes kissing him ive been meaning to ask this question since 2010 E dumbasian Dr Phil asked How did bruno know her eyes where open unless his where too ? this ask made me open my third eye pacificrim why the fuck is doctor phil asking you this

8.

Text - Missionary Baptist Church REMEMBER SATAN WAS THE FIRST TO DEMAND EQUAL RIGHTS witch-boots: emofag420: the-vengeful-crobat: flirtyfawn: | I hate living in Texas. Can't tell if this is anti-equal rights or pro-satan I'm deciding this is pro-satan Definitely pro-Satan.

9.

Text - If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, it means that one good girl is worth $8.33 USD (2015). thank you for this I need the equation you used for this 1 good girl 1000 bitches 12 bitches = $0.10 1 bitches = $0.0083 1 good girl = 1000 bitches x $0.0083 1/bitches 1 good girl = $8.33 It's your basic equation substitution method. You simplify the second equation from Lil Wayne (the blue one) and plug

10.

Text - ink-and-roses: ahumblebard: doxian: I want a movie about a little girl, aged like 11-12, going through the stuggles of prepubescent girl life, with her entire inner monologue is narrated by Samuel L. Jackson. Shot of disgruntled adorable little girl. SLJ: I knew that Susie was a backstabbin' motherfucker, and if anyone was going to ruin my chances of being Miss Sugar Drop Queen, it was that asshole. I didn't know I needed this in my life until now. This is never not funny Source: doxian

11.

Text - firlalaith: zombiefauns: i've figured out that horror games with grotesque monsters and spooky environments are -9000 scary if you pretend you're steve irwin on a mission to document the monster(s) "Lookie there. That's a six-foot grunt from the basement. A'hm gonna wrassle it." This is how I get thru a lot of scary environments without getting scared, it really works.

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Text - English Game: place the word "only" anywhere on the sentence She told him that she loved him. parkourtoyoutoo: shadowwraiths: Ladies and Gentlemen, The English Language... What are you doing? STOP. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

14.

Text - stats just bought this tapeworm from etsy! snirts where are you gonna keep it stats :) ginger-ale-official I don't like this post very much

15.

Text - australopitherex: just-shower-thoughts: How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archeology instead of grave robbing? as an archaeologist, i find this a veRY AWKWARD QUESTION Source: just-shower-thoughts 99,186 notes 1

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Cheezburger Image 9481170944

17.

Adaptation - Everything in this room is catable. Éven l'am catablei But that is called cannibalism, my dear children and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. ive-got-a-dark-side: Johnny Depp smashed this role & if you think otherwise your argument is invalid.

18.

Text - not-safe-for-earth: madlori: destielcult: I will never understand why Sweeney Todd is such an underrated film on tumblr. I mean it's a musical about cannibalism featuring attractive psychopaths and the cast is 90% british. My friend Rachel refers to this movie as "Johnny Depp Slaughters the Cast of Harry Potter." ACCURATE

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Cheezburger Image 9481177088

21.

Text - ziraseal: naturemetaltolkien: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. you need to stop Source: naturemetaltolkien 93,877 notes

22.

Text - castiel-2y5 ampara louheart sadstagram YOUR BONES AND INSIDES HAVE NEVER SEEN SUNLIGHT AND THEY PROBABLY NEVER WILL uniess you get brutally murdered and ieft outside to rot US Whoa there friend you might need to slow down

23.

Facial expression - not feeling comfortable in your own skin. fustgfalythingo

24.

Text - aariandthediamonds: jesspinkman: being a pessimist is great i'm always either right or pleasantly surprised #the optimistic look on pessimism The paradox is high in this one

25.

Transport - Come a little closer Funeral servic m Jnastadeas m cynicallys ITS AN ADD FOR FUCKINF FUNERAL SERVICES

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