Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Funny Tweets to Put Some Skip in That Step


In a way, Twitter is like wandering through a hurricane of people's fears, complaints, and quirky observations. Will it be a dissertation on how hard it is to be a mom or will it be a terrific caption for a new dead giant squid someone found? Who knows. This and more can be found in many sick tweets from the twitter-verse.

1.

Text - Eternal Samnation 00 @portmanteauface They don't want you to know this, but if you adopt a highway, you are no longer required to obey traffic laws there. You just seceded from the union and you're free to bask in the sovereignty of your little republic of tar 9:57 AM Nov 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 149 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 313 Likes

2.

Clothing - Django Gold @django 000 being an adult fucking sucks NEW COLOR 2:21 PM · Nov 10, 2020 · Twitter Web App

3.

Text - tatum 000 @50FirstTates guys remember that even if the vaccine is 95% effective there is a margin of error of about 10% +/-. that means that it could actually be 105% effective and give u superpowers such as invisibility or super speed 11:02 AM Nov 16, 2020 · Twitter Web App 185 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 1.4K Likes

4.

Text - (((Michael Weiss))) @RotationISymtry 000 You, an intellectual: Actually it's not called "Calvary", its real name is "Golgotha". Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay. 8:18 PM · Oct 17, 2020 · Twitter for iPad

5.

Text - BASS, MIDS, TOPS OUT NO.. 000 @joemuggs Man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper: "here boy!" 5:10 PM · Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter Web App

6.

Text - Roxi Horror 00 @roxiqt If you're not happy single, you won't be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from making bizarre impulse purchases online, not from another person. 12:08 AM Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter for Android 891 Retweets 46 Quote Tweets 7.3K Likes

7.

Text - Reticent Turnip 000 @ReticentTurnip "WebMD" is pronounced "wuh- BUMMED" 2:37 AM Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter for Android

8.

Text - An English Human @English_Channel Professor X: So what's your superpower? me: silently judging Professor X: me: Professor X: *sweating* me: Professor X: you're hired 12:55 PM · Nov 16, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Text - batkaren 000 @batkaren A lot of folks out there missing the point... Q unisex names unisex names Q unisex names for girls 5:36 PM · Nov 14, 2020 · Twitter Web App

10.

Text - wint @dril Hah, yes. i do consider myself somewhat of the most god tieir troller who has ever lived. ive fooled over 1000 people into kicking my asS, 1:51 PM Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter Web App

11.

Text - Julicorn 000 @ChicksRule [first time doing surgery] Me: you know, the operation game had a buzzing sound when I did something wrong Nurse: that's what the one long beep was 3:04 PM Nov 10, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

12.

Text - 17 Discount Emma Stone Retweeted jon drake @DrakeGatsby 000 It's my Roomba's birthday so l'm bringing him to the beach and I'm just gonna let him go crazy 9:01 AM Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

13.

Text - Mal 000 @TheRealPalMal Leaves are showing their true colors. This is why I do not trust trees. 9:03 AM Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

14.

Text - The Ghost of Swan Corleone 000 @Swan_Corleone2 Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don't have to answer that 10:28 AM Nov 12, 2020 · Twitter for Android 282 Retweets 16 Quote Tweets 1.1K Likes

15.

Text - Dave Cactus 00 @dave_cactus VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion. ME (sharpening my gun): Go on. 2:13 PM · Nov 10, 2020 · Twitter for Android

16.

Text - pointman @appuntito160 000 Guy who posts "I'mma do a hecking adult today" before signing his divorce papers. 1:29 PM · Nov 14, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 2.3K Retweets 113 Quote Tweets 24.2K Likes

17.

Cartoon - linc 000 @lincnotfound everybody fears raymond 10:35 AM Nov 14, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 7.9K Retweets 161 Quote Tweets 68K Likes

18.

Bowling pin - Uncle Duke 000 @UncleDuke1969 how the walk to the bathroom feels when everyone else is asleep 10:30 AM Nov 15, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone O

19.

Text - Jeff is Tall 000 @JeffisTallguy "If you strike me down, I shall become more back up again than you can possibly imagine." -Obiwumba 11:01 AM · Nov 14, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

20.

Text - Trey @treydayway 000 Some kids in the neighborhood graffitied pythagorean theorem on a building in case you were wondering how thuggish my area is 10:51 PM Nov 13, 2020 · Twitter for Android

21.

Text - Pru 000 @prufrockluvsong them: I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT me: *breaking their glasses* no you won't 5:52 PM Jul 28, 2020 · Twitter for Android

22.

Text - Spazio @Spaziotwat 000 Holmes: "I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?" Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock" 4:21 PM Nov 8, 2014 · Twitter for BlackBerry®

23.

Text - Sanjeev Kohli @govindajeggy 000 The letter d in Dunstable is actually load-bearing. Take it away & see what happens 4:07 PM Nov 14, 2020 · Tweetlogix

24.

Text - Naughty Zippo @NaughtyZippo 000 Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn't mean they'll love The Shining. Lesson learned. 5:09 AM · Sep 1, 2019 · Twitter for iPhone

25.

Text - Hi, it's Abby. Yep @abbycohenwl 000 ABBY, Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit 7:50 PM Dec 11, 2019 · Twitter Web App

26.

Text - Jason Not Evil 000 @JasonNotEvil Me: This coffee is so damn hot! I just burned the hell out of my mouth! Her: Why don't you wait till it cools? Me (finishes coffee) Owwwww! My throat! 12:36 PM Nov 14, 2020 · Twitter for Android

27.

Product - raina 000 @quakerraina Ma'am we are broke SZA SZA @sza · Nov 13 Do what u want at all times. Reminder. 1:53 PM Nov 14, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

28.

Text - Bewg A @bewgtweets 00 Me: I'm just saying, tax evasion. It's how they caught Al Capone Bigfoot hunter: go on 5:58 PM · Nov 13, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

29.

Krill - Sandra Newman 000 @sannewman I am hoping I too will be remembered as stunningly intact Stunningly intact giant squid washes ashore in South Africa 8 livescience.com 7:25 PM · Nov 13, 2020 · Twitter Web App

30.

Text - Ron Iver 000 @ronnui_ I got 99 problems but oh my god I'm so fucked what am I gonna do that's so many problems 8:46 AM Nov 12, 2020 · Twitter for Android 12K Retweets 235 Quote Tweets 76.1K Likes

31.

Text - Ginny Hogan_ @ginnyhogan_ 00 My boyfriend just accidentally sent me 7 texts in a row that he intended for his friend. All 7 were about how much he loves Nicholas Cage. I would rather have found out he was cheating. 10:36 PM Nov 13, 2020 · Twitter Web App

32.

Text - dan mentos 000 @DanMentos my japanese noodle restaurant, Everybody Loves Ramen, has once again been targeted by arsonists 2:23 AM Nov 17, 2018 · Twitter for iPhone

33.

Text - H. 000 @CyborgHanky "Dammit Jeff, you always gerrymander the last hot wing!" I turn to the group, hopeful I've finally used the word "gerrymander" correctly. 9:26 PM Oct 18, 2016 · Twitter for Android 129 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 445 Likes

34.

Text - Weak Ankles 000 @ankles_so_weak Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear? Me: my student loans Priest: [to god] can...can she do that? 1:18 PM Nov 16, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone

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