Monday, June 8, 2020

Antiques Roadshow Re-Captions That Really Add Value


We grew up Antiques Roadshow, and we've gotta tell you there's something so nice about watching an old lady find out that her old mop is actually George Washington's priceless wig. KeatonPatti re-captioned a bunch of antiques roadshow antiques that kind of make sense in a hilariously bizarre and absurdist way.

1.

Text - First Shitty Yelp Review $600-$900 AR @KeatonPatti

2.

News - 15A RNITURE This Sexy 3-Way $30-$35 AR @KeatonPatti

3.

Dane axe - Axe (Not the body spray, so who cares?) $1.25-$3.50 AR @KeatonPatti

4.

Bird - Birds That Just Fucked AR $10,000-$15,000 @KeatonPatti

5.

Footwear - Shoe Full of Bono's Vomit $5,000-$7,000 AR @KeatonPatti

6.

Adaptation - XOZAN Book Grandma Masturbated To AR $800-$950

7.

Finial - C-3PO's Actual Penis $12,000-$15,000 AR @KeatonPatti

8.

Furniture - M IN AY Clock Being Mansplained To $5,000-$6,000 AR @KeatonPatti

9.

Furniture - WATCHE My Smug & Cocky Son AR $200-$400 @KeatonPatti

10.

Community - Coming Out to Grandma $300-$700 AR @KeatonPatti

11.

Job - *** *** CTORIAL ST.LOUIS eauxa Co Book Only Dads Like $2,000-$4,000 AR @KeatonPatti

12.

Child - Barron Trump (Verified Real) $15,000-$20,000 AR @KeatonPatti

13.

Child - Doll That's Seen Some Shit AR $3,000-$5,000

14.

Event - OLS PHOTO GPHS PRI POSS White Privilege $150,000-$200,000 AR

15.

Animation - Y'all Want Some Drugs? Guy $35-$60 AR @KeatonPatti CIGARSIN

16.

Font - Fayette. LONGEST BEARDED MAN IN THE WORLD. First Beard Porn Ad $4,000-$6,000 AR @KeatonPatti

17.

Helmet - The First Ever Vagina $35,000-$50,000 AR @KeatonPatti

18.

Marine mammal - Photobomb Fish (1916) $12,000-$15,000 AR @KeatonPatti

19.

Flag - ANTIQUES INTIQUES ROADSHOW ROADSHOW “Just Put The Stars Wherever" Flag $600-$800 AR @KeatonPatti

20.

Cartoon - The 5th Gorillaz Member AR $2,500-$4,500 @KeatonPatti

21.

Tobacco products - World's Richest Hot Dog $19,000-$22,000 AR @KeatonPatti

22.

Hair - Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can't buy, must woo) AR @KeatonPatti

23.

Snout - Pig That Went to Ireland One Damn Time $600-$800 AR @KeatonPatti

24.

Vehicle registration plate - JENNY JENNY Who Can I Turn To? $8,675,309 AR @KeatonPatti

25.

Doll - Mike Pence and Mother $1,000-$2,000 AR @KeatonPatti

26.

Idiophone - Bowl Jesus Threw Up In Twice $40,000-$55,000 AR

27.

Sword - I Mean, This Is a Joint, Right? $10-$20 AR @KeatonPatti

28.

Font - Kid Rock's Cleanest Fork AR $1,000-$3,000 @KeatonPatti

29.

Child - Einilie Cecile Marie Kids You Can Lose and It's Fine AR $4,000-$7,000 @KeatonPatti

30.

Handwriting - み hia this cMay 159 few lines mbrace る to knew f m dime haatth that I to leit aned serduvstanes at the star ledfree are that plaie Aave heeridtred and Llac Aiver powerful Tice Theng mew the Saunees the coantry of the * the en presentat a are at Shinn 1st Love Note to Use Phrase "Bone-Zone" AR $12,000-$14,000 @KeatonPatti

31.

Animated cartoon - Westworld Mickey (Sexually Active) $3,500-$4,500 AR @KeatonPatti

32.

Portrait - I Can't Paint Necks (1885) $2,000-$4,000 AR @KeatonPatti

33.

Photo caption - One Night With This Man $50,000-$75,000 AR @KeatonPatti

34.

Head - Oy, Mista! You Me Dad? Doll $40-$70 AR @KeatonPatti

35.

Brass - Pixar Lamp's Fat Friend $300-$600 AR @KeatonPa

36.

Art - Plate It'd Be Weird To Eat Off Of AR $12,000-$15,000

37.

Child - "Please Kill Us" Dolls AR $400-$700 @KeatonPatti

38.

Hand - Not a Butt Plug (STOP ASKING!) $600-$900 AR @KeatonPatti

39.

Animated cartoon - Eeyore's Little Bitch Friend $3,000-$5,000 AR @KeatonPatti

40.

Games - -AMES & POSTERS Quilt Keeping These Two From Making Out $200-$500 AR @KeatonPatti

41.

Nativity scene - Santa's Illegitimate Kids $1,000-$3,000 AR @KeatonPatti

42.

Dagger - Jesus's Favorite Shiv $22,000-$30,000 AR @KeatonPatti

43.

Diagram - CONTER DE ZAYAS! DE ZAYAS S VENU sUR LES es PONT CUN How to Build a Sick Vape (1905) $2,000-$5,000 AR @KeatonPatti FOR-EVER

44.

Clown - Your New Step-Dad $1,000-$2,000 AR @KeatonPatti

45.

Event - These Two Men's Sexual Tension $15.00-$38.00 AR

46.

Figurine - ABC's The Bachelor $2,000-$5,000 AR @KeatonPatti

47.

Houseplant - Shitty Toothbrush (1871) $1,500-$3,000 AR

48.

Photo caption - Toucan Sam (Post-Meth) $3,000-$5,000 AR @KeatonPatti

49.

Poster - THANKS TO 1TING Evidence Against Uncle Sam TAR $600-$900 @KeatonPatti

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