Saturday, May 16, 2020

Man Gives Himself Food Poisoning To Win Argument


People will go to extraordinary lengths to win arguments. In this case, we're looking at a dude who was so committed to proving his point, that he gave himself food poisoning in the process. 

1.

Text - r/tifu + Join u/evil-ex-girlfriend • 30d 2 1 1 1 1 F 1 3 1 1 2 1 TIFU by giving myself mild food poisoning to win a petty argument. Have you ever done a dumb thing out of spite? Buckle up. I have an ongoing zoodle infatuation because zoodles are a low-guilt sauce converyor belt to my mouth. I've stocked up on pasta sauce and I'm taking mealtimes SERIOUSLY. Nothing is wasted, leftovers are used, end of story. So a couple days ago when my boyfriend, let's call him David, found an open bottl

2.

Text - David: "This has to go in the fridge. It's probably no good now." Me, not openly questioning my partner's judgement, but also knowing that he does not count the forehead as part of the face so I cannot put blind faith in everything he says: "It will be fine. I opened it, like, yesterday. Or, two days ago." David: "It should have been refrigerated. I really don't think you should eat this." Now, I've watched David put sesame oil in the fridge. He thinks soy sauce belongs in the fridge. We

3.

Text - The vodka sauce goes into the fridge instead of the trash. Cut to yesterday night, where I have already eaten dinner but I am an emotional binge eater and I had to fill the sad with food, you know how it goes. What will make the sad go away? Zoodles with the opened Vodka sauce. It was only until after I had made everything did I notice the perfect, circular fluff of mold growing on the lid of the sauce jar. But it's only on the lid, right? If I tell David about this, while he would never

4.

Text - It's fine. The food is fine, I think as I eat it. I tell myself that it doesn't taste off in the way that you tell yourself that vegetarian sausage tastes like the real thing. The vodka sauce quietly goes into the garbage. Cut to midnight, where we are watching a movie. Things are feeling off in my stomach, and there's some major gurgling going on. Then there's a shift, and pain explodes through the red carpet of my intestines for a good long while until I have no choice but to explain to

5.

Text - David does not say "I told you so", but I know he is secretly balancing the checkbook of arguments he's won. He rubs my belly while I cry. I love him. It's now 3AM and I've been farting for what feels like my entire life? Once upon a time, I had a life and a job and could go outside, and nowI have no life and no job and my knees are at ear-level while l'm on the john, seranading my septic system with a cacophony of rich bass and tenor farts. I'm sweating harder than I do when I work out.

6.

Text - shouldn't have died on. Don't be like me, kids. Tl;dr: I gave myself food poisoning and turned myself into an ass trumpet to win an argument. Lost the argument anyway.

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