Saturday, June 13, 2020

Twitter Thread: Intense Café Drama Breaks Out


The café drama to end all café dramas. 

1.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws At a cafe, empty tables everywhere, a woman moved all the dirty plates and cups from her table to another, that another woman is sat at. I'm absolutely buzzing about where this is headed.

2.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws 15 table cafe Occupied tables: 3 Empty tables: 12

3.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Clean woman has started moving all the dirty plates back from whence they came. Dirty plate woman has broken the silence. "What are you doing?"

4.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws "You put these on my table without asking so l'm moving them back" "I didn't want them on my table" CHECKMATE

5.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws "Well, I didn't want them on my table and you just put them there without asking" "Well put them on another table if you don't want them on yours" "No, I'm putting them here" Sidenote: there's a book group meeting due to start here at 3pm Sidebar: staff pretending not to notice

6.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Dirty plates woman started moving dirty plates back to the clean woman's table, whilst clean woman was finishing moving dirty plates from whence they came. Neither are talking now, or looking at each other. Unbelievable scenes.

7.

Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Oh shit, clean woman just looked at me for help

8.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Dirty plates woman just dropped a mug on the floor and then raced back to her table and opened a book

9.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Staff member has reluctantly walked over at the sound of the mug and now clean woman is trying to explain the situation but dirty plates woman is now engrossed in her book and the staff member seems confused

10.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Clean woman asked dirty plates woman to explain the situation but DPW just turned round and acted confused by what was happening. CW looked at me and said that I would have seen it all. DPW also stared at me and I felt genuinely sick as I nodded my head in support of CW

11.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws DPW: "I'm just trying to have a quiet tea, I don't need all this bother please" Staff member seems even more confused, starts collecting the dirty plates and cups, CW looks gutted. More customers in cafe now, I think this is the drama over.

12.

Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws THEY'VE BOTH WALKED OVER TO THE BOOK GROUP

13.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws It's the first meeting of the book group and they are all introducing themselves to each other and the head of the group asked "does anyone, aside from me and Patrick, know each other?" DPW does a slow sweep of the group with her eyes and shakes her head, CPW staring at her

14.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws CPW said that she does know someone, points at DPW and says: "I met this woman about 20 minutes ago when she moved all of the dirty plates off of her table and onto mine, without asking" Patrick did a little laugh and the Head of Book Group (HOBG) looked very confused

15.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws HOBG: "Shall we get started?" They did some intros and brief chat admin. There's 7 people in total. The book is: Nine Perfect Strangers I wish there were two more people in their group, CPW can't take her eyes off of DPW and DPW is being really charming, especially to Patrick

16.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Nothing much happening in the book group at the moment beyond book analysis, rest of cafe pretty empty. I realised that if you count me and the staff member that makes 9 perfect strangers but HOBG knows Patrick and there's another staff member so it doesn't work.

17.

Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws IT DOES WORK. 9 perfect strangers and 2 friends.

18.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Shots fired!!! CPW got herself a tea and a slice of cake, drank and ate it all and then put them empties down on top of DPW's book.

19.

Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws oh fuck, this is mad, fuck me

20.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws DPW calmly excused herself to go to the toilet, came back with water, put it down on table and knocked it over CPW's book, then quickly apologised and sat down, offering no help

21.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Others in the group helped clean up water, no one really seems to understand that their book group has a broiling subplot going on. Patrick especially.

22.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws HOBG asked for suggestions of future books to read... CPW: The Psychopath Test? HOBG: That's a good book, anyone else read it? One of the supporting cast of the book group has, brief discussion about Jon Ronson, DPW joining in, saying it sounds like a good book

23.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Official Book Group is over but it's now unofficial socialising time, two people made a quick getaway, the rest are just chatting. CPW looks lost, desperately trying to think of a way to get revenge?

24.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Imagine this was all viral marketing for Nine Perfect Strangers "woah, this blew up, while you're here, check out my book Nine Perfect Strangers, available from all good the internet"

25.

Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws It's just Patrick, DPW & CPW left now. At this stage l've realised CPW should be CTW but I can't change that now

26.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Staff member came over to clear away dirty cups. CPW says not to worry, staff member looks confused. CPW points at DPW: "She's going to do it" Staff member looks confused and keeps clearing them away

27.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws DPW just pretended to be confused and looked at Patrick with a "what's that about?" look. Patrick laughed, I still don't think he knows he just attended a book group

28.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Ok, I think this is the end, and it's disappointing so l'll do a fake ending first, then the real one...

29.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Someone requested a little more detail on the protagonist and antagonist (it's up to you to decide which is which I guess). DPW in her late 50s maybe, CPW maybe 40s? Patrick in his 60s. HOBG: 60s. Staff members: teens/early 20s. Me: 30s.

30.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws CPW starts crying, staff member asks what's wrong: "My husband left me for a dirty plate" DPW and Patrick start making out, HOBG returns, sees what's happening and yells: "Let's do this, Leeeeeerooyyyyyyyy Jennnnnnnkinnnnnnsssssss"

31.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws Real ending: DPW says she has to leave, Patrick laughs and I'm not sure why, shakes her hand. DPW does a Patrice Evra style ignoring of CPW, goes and pays her bill, talks to Staff Member for a bit, laughs about something and then leaves. CPW looks absolutely devastated.

32.

Text - Face - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws I'm exhausted

33.

Text - White - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws OH GOD

34.

Text - Text - Stuart Laws Follow @thisstuartlaws CPW went up to pay for her tea and cake and it had already been paid for

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