Saturday, July 18, 2020

Remarkable Retorts That Wrecked People


Some comebacks are too clever for their own good. At the end of the day though, the online world is a rough playground where anyone's apt to bring some spicy verbal banter upon themselves if they throw out a careless tweet/status. If you enjoyed these dazzling retorts, we recommend you check out these clever comebacks that sealed the deal.

1.

Face - idk what's so sad about the mars rover dying, I'm gonna die cold and alone too 9:28 AM - 15 Feb 19 ili View Tweet activity 27 Retweets 106 Likes Yapoz @Yapoz6 - 1d Replying to @dai_dreemurr Difference is the mars rover contributed to society 01 That wound will never fully heal. He will carr it the rest of his life.

2.

Text - pukicho CHEAT MODE Close your eyes and you can play any game in your mind, even paper Mario lonely-boiii Paper Mario is trash pukicho Close your eyes and imagine yourself being a more likeable person, and then open them and weep

3.

Text - wittyidiot @stephenszczerba Kinda feel bad for attractive people who are now having to communicate with their words for the first time and realizing they don't have a personality graysonsnell I feel attacked 19h 49 likes Reply wittyidiot @graysonsnell you shouldn't 19h 506 likes Reply

4.

Text - hcrld +21 Queue is just Q followed by 4 silent letters. v Robot_Spider +62 They aren't silent. They're waiting their turn. weallheartonedirection: Internet at its finest

5.

Text - It's helpful that " Ib" resembles 9064 the number 16 for remembering how many ounces are in a pound. (self.Showerthoughts) 350 comments Showerthoughts 14 hours ago by akarim5847 S [removed] 350 comments sorted by best dewritoninja 1400 points 13 hours ago It's helpful that kilogram means a thousand grams

6.

Text - No English word has double "oo" except Good prove me wrong? 44K 551K Comments 3.7K Shares OLike Comment Share Johnnie Sheffield Book, try reading one

7.

Text - @revolusions 5m anyone wanna send me $500 for a new phone bc mine is breaking 03 23 @revolusions 3m cash app: $shawtycloud venmo: shawtycloud paypal: paypal.me/allenareneekni. Mr. Plenty @OfWudan 3m Done. @revolusions Replying to @OfWudan On what? 00:49 11/12/2019 Twitter for iPhone Mr. Plenty @OfWudan 34s Replying to @revolusions On your dreams. get a fuckin job. ili

8.

Facial expression - Okay, I've got a Joke for you, kid. Knock knock Come in twitchytyrant I can't believe he killed Harrison Ford twice

9.

Movie - Millennials aren't buying diamonds - why? RETWEETS LIKES 173 309 MistyKnights TwistOut 2 Follow @Steph__Will Too busy filling out job applications that ask them to attach their resume and then enter what's on that same resume on the next page.

10.

Text - Courtroom exchange of the day. Huh? **ed to give a urine sample? ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulser WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: NO. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the

11.

Text - Is ur man really ur man if he doesn't gas you like this??? 42% C Search Recent SNAPCHAT now from SNAPCHAT 1m ago is typing... SNAPCHAT 1m ago replayed your Snap! SNAPCHAT 1m ago took a screenshot! ruckin @ruckin_ is ur man really ur man if you have to hide his name???

12.

Motor vehicle - A Agbelemi ê, = @agbelemi Both are Mercedes Benz. Be specific with your prayers. @westafrikann WUNILM Deadass Olámilékan I @Victority44 Both are expensive, infact one is an asset and the other is a liability. Use your head!

13.

Text - Chris Jericho O @IAmJeri... · 3h v Hey @arbys, Im all good. Save the cardboard to make your sandwiches... Arby's O @Arbys · 6h Hey @IAmJericho, heard some Judas stole your championship belt. We've got plenty of cardboard... want a new one? 9 601 272,148 O 12.7K 1,

14.

Text - God I hate psych majors. I'm a minor so I have to take similar classes but all of them just love to answer questions with personal anecdotes and when the professor tries to get them back on track, they something like oh never mind I don't know the answer. Pisses me off 78 I can see how it would piss you off when someone responds with a personal anecdote acting like the tiny experience they had with something could be generalized to an entire group of people 93

15.

Bear - OF abc 4029news @4029news Bear wanders into city hall building in California 4029tv.com/article/bear-c.. Dragana e @draganakaurin You can't put a bear on a state flag and then act surprised when it shows up for a town hall meeting

16.

Text - painful_memes.v2 Ash R @aroueno Why is it "cancelled" in the UK, but "canceled" in America? 11/20/16, 7:48 PM kilothegxd Cuz we gave you that Lin 1776

17.

Text - I LEFT MY FRONT DOOR OPEN AND MY ROOMBA JUST WENT OUT AND I CAN'T FIND IT. WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS. IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS. robot overlords 17,072 views BEST COMMENTS a COMMENT commentsivehadafew 4h 19 replies It'll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.

18.

Font - What piece of pop culture has ruined your first name? 1:18 · 26 Sep 19 · TweetDeck 1,563 Retweets 16.1K Likes 1d R My name is Karen. Do you really have to ask? 187 t7 503 ♡ 15.9K 1d ..to see the manager? 53 t7 435 21.8K

19.

Text - Text - henrycavills in movies when kids sneak out through their windows and im just like why dont you have screens in your windows who doesnt have screens in their windows what do you just let bees and bugs and birds and shit fly into your room what the fuck doctorkpepper #literally just had to google that#apparently screens are widely used in Australia USA and Canada#in Europe we deal with stuff that comes through the window like a man(x) sansaofhousestark this is why you guys had the bl

20.

Text - Text - scullscan • 4h how he resisted that wonderful doggo for so long boggles me Reply 9 ItchaBoiSid • 2h Doggo isn't a word, grow up 1 -11 haaaaaairy1 • 1h Boi isn't a word, delete your account 1 5

21.

Text - Text - elizabitchtaylor When my aunt was in her late 20s people used to rudely ask her "Why aren't you married yet?" and she'd reply "Just lucky, I guess" which I think is one of the best thingsI have ever heard

22.

Text - Text - Imagine that you woke up in the body of a person you can't stand. I wake up like this every morning.

23.

Text - Text - How to give scammers a mini heart attack load. +63 905 "I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at I'm Sec. GUSTINO ATITUS. Thank you! my right hand, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 16:8 Congratulations! Ma'am/Sir. Ur Mobile # had won Php550.000.00 +Laptop. From CONSUELO COMPANY. DTI-PermiT.# 2190.s'17. To Cancel Sorry, you have entered an invalid code. Please try again. claim ur price Pls. Text ur Complete. NAME./ADD./ AGE./WORK./. I'm Sec. GUSTINO ATITUS. Thank you! Ca

24.

Text - Text - RainnWilson @rainnwilson I've decided to stop using toilet paper. 9:23 PM · 3/18/20 · Twitter for iPhone 680 Retweets 12.3K Likes 27 Jenna Fischer O @jennafischer · 11h Replying to @rainnwilson Why are you acting like this is a new decision? O 86 27 155 8,178

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Tumblr Thread: Cool Dentist Who Doesn't Give A Heck


Staring into people's mouths all day has gotta be a bummer, so it's fun to hear about a dentist who takes their job as seriously as a bored Walmart employee. For more weird stuff that happened on the job, here's a pizza deliverer's list of strange people they've met, as well as more people who didn't give a heck.

1.

Text - filledwiththislight Things my dentist has actually said to me: "Well, either the x-rays lied to me or you are spontaneously creating teeth. I'm going with the second one because it's way cooler."

2.

Text - "When was the last time you flossed? Your gums aren't bleeding which means I'm either not doing this hard enough or you actually floss your teeth regularly" "You don't need to do a fluoride treatment I just want to go check my facebook for a second and this is the best excuse I can come up with. Don't worry your insurance will cover it."

3.

Text - "Take a whole handful of toothbrushes, I can't order new ones in less ugly colors until these ones are gone." "Remember not to eat or drink anything for a half hour..or actually you know forget that go eat lemons and drink coffee right now. I make money based on peoples bad decisions, you should probably stop brushing your teeth too."

4.

Text - "I became a dentist because I like making children cry and they don't let you do that as a regular doctor." spectralserval1138 Chaotic neutral dentist? Source: filledwiththislight

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Man Buys Sheriff's Car, Wild Stories Ensue


Well, the car had a great run. 

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Karen Doesn't Like Neighbor's Lawn Mowing, Petty Revenge Ensues


This nasty neighbor should've just minded their own business, but instead they went ahead and tampered with the wrong lawn. It sounds like this particular Karen was just looking to stir up trouble wherever she could find. Check out some more lovely neighbors that detested each other over here.

1.

Text - r/pettyrevenge + Join u/carissa_24 • 2d 1 1 Neighbor didn't like how I did my own lawn... I moved into my house around the same time as my next door neighbors (new construction neighborhood). We both do our own lawns-they bag their cuttings, I self-mulch/leave the cuttings mulched on the lawn and don't bag. One day I mow the lawn and leave for some errands. I come home to the cuttings I had left on the lawn all raked up and thrown all over my front porch/ door with a threatening note tell

2.

Text - be worse next time. I went over to my neighbor's house, told her I would call the police for threatening me if she ever tried a stunt like this again and that next time she had a problem, maybe try talking with me like an adult and gave her my phone number. Her husband apologized and said his wife was batshit crazy and he was really sorry. Wife never apologized. I then promptly didn't mow the front lawn for over 6 months (no HOA). I made sure to mow the back yard and make a display of bag

3.

Text - carrying them out front for the neighbor to see, but left the front nice and overgrown. I also ended up having her car towed from in front of her own house. Coincidentally code enforcement can't force you to mow your lawn, but if you leave a vehicle on the street for over 72 hours without moving it...they'll impound. $600 later she got her car back and I haven't heard a peep from her.

4. Wow, another nasty neighbor in the comments section.

Text - Edit: because you all keep saying "he" and "him" referencing the OP-I'm a female..women can own their own houses and do the lawn too (or not in this case). 7.7k 328 1 Share BEST COMMENTS Misternef • 2d They sound similar to a neighbor I had growing up. We came back from vacation one summer to find all the bushes cut to the ground around the house. The neighbor lady came over and told us she cut them because she couldn't see in our windows. Reply 2.5k ...

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Lucky Dog Has Best Day Of His Life


Just picturing the look on this dog's ecstatic face after that hot dog water was spilled is enough to melt the iciest of hearts. That dog must've thought it was a true gift from above. 

1.

Text - r/tifu + Join u/AntipatheticDating • 1d 1 1 1 1 1 TIFU by giving my dog unintentionally the best damn day of his life So this TIFU isn't as crazy or wild as others I read, but I thought others would appreciate how much l'm laughing but how many horrible regrets I have over this situation.

2.

Text - Let me start by saying it's important to note that whenever I cook hotdogs, I slice the package, take out a few, roll the rest back up in the plastic packaging, and fasten it all with some good old fashion elastic bands. .. Today. I did not. I couldn't tell you why my dumb ass decided to just fold the plastic over a few times and place it back on the shelf, but here we are. So my spouse comes running down in their few minutes between endless meetings to make their lunch quickly. We are th

3.

Text - So we're all in the kitchen, I hear the fridge open, and it suddenly dawns on me in horror that my spouse is MOST DEFINITELY going to go for those hotdogs I wrapped like a dumbass. I quickly turn around to say something, and my spouse in slow motion, wide-eyed stares at me as the hotdog package unrolls like a fruit-by-the-foot commerical and DOUSES my dog's entire skull in too-much-to-be- reasonable-in-one-fucking-package of hotdog water. My dog lost his SHIT.

4.

Text - Like a Christian grandma with the second coming of Christ my dog just tears ass across the entire apartment with the worst case of the zoomies I think we've ever seen him have. He proceeds to spend the next 15 mins singing our praises as the greatest humans alive as he rolls across every piece of furniture we own. I'm talking every. Piece. Of. Furniture. Now I don't hate hotdogs but the smell is weirdly overpowering, and every time I sat down on something else all I can smell is godforsak

5. Look at that wonderful doggo.

Mammal

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Bridezilla Cancels Tries To Bail On Catering Day Before Wedding


This bridezilla thought she'd go and flake out on a catering company that she'd hired, the day before the wedding. Well, that sleazy move backfired for her, and she ended up having to pay 3X the amount. Not only that, but she digs the hole even deeper and tries to sue the company, only to lose due to a staggering amount of evidence that worked against her. 

1.

Text - r/ProRevenge + Join u/madpandaswag • 3y 1 Bridezilla Catering Rage I posted this on pettyrevenge, but I think it belongs here as well. I use to manage a catering company for my boss while he was undergoing chemotherapy. This is one of my first gigs where I was in charge. The bride calls me at 1 in the afternoon the day before the wedding and decides she wanted a cheaper menu. She and her husband already paid for almost everything and it's far too late to change anything. I told her that b

2.

Text - demanded we either serve chicken or charge her the price of the chicken and she will not be paying for anything extra. I informed her that according to the contract she is to receive 150 steak lunches at a price of 50 per plate and it also states that she can't change the menu unless she does it at least a month before the wedding. When she hears this she flips the hell out and starts screaming at me calling me illiterate and telling me her fiance is a lawyer and they will sue me etc etc.

3.

Text - They end up firing me at the moment and I inform them that the cancellation fee is 90% of the cost of catering (which I was already paid for) and they start screaming at me telling me that I ain't shit and they can get anyone to cater for them and they are going to make me pay for it etc. They end up hanging up on me (thank god) and I had an inkling that I should probably keep making the food incase they call tomorrow and they want us to cater. So we finish cooking and the next day at 7am

4.

Text - he didn't say anything but I can feel how mad he is over the phone. After a moment of awkward silence I inform him that if he would like us to cater the event, he has to do same day catering (which is 3x the original price I charged him), he has to pay all fees in advance and the food depends on what we have available and ready and we also reserve the right to refuse service. He gets really pissed off at this point telling us this is extortion, he already paid for food so he didn't have t

5.

Text - As soon as we got to the venue, before I got anything out, i made the bride and groom sign the new contract and pay me completely in advance (22k) and left to deposit the money. While I was gone they harassed my caterers and threatened someone with deportation even though they were legal. He tried to sue us later and the judge heard the recorded phone calls, saw the contract and told him to pay my legal fees. I looked them up on Fb recently, apparently they are divorced now. It's only bee

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Employee Gets Bullied By Coworkers, Employee Gets Coworkers Demoted


The only thing this employee could've done to take their mission to carry out justice a little further would've been to sue them for their inappropriate behavior. Either way, a definite power exit. 

1.

Text - r/ProRevenge u/Audginator • 2h + Join 1 Bully me? Fine, but II start a fire as I leave. I posted in Nuclear Revenge, but was also told to post it here! Sorry its so long, TL;DR at the end! I worked at a fortune 500 company for almost a year and a half, I wont name names, but it was a shady company to say the least. I started in their quality department, but I was literally fired for being "too quality" for the quality department because I would report sales agents that were forcing crying

2.

Text - Im sorry to say I was far too good at this job as well. I got constant kudos from the quality department that I always hit my marks. I always verified and corrected information, followed procedure to a T, and even took on several extra projects just to help out, including preparing and sending gifts out to our higher volume customers on behalf of the sales reps. I was always on time, I was friendly with everyone, and yet I didn't quite fit in. As a matter of fact, only one person on this

3.

Text - They would constantly bully me. I dont mean tease me, I mean they would joke about forcing me to work in a broom closet, they would report me for cell phone use even though cell phones were allowed, just no recording or video calling since we would verify card and address information verbally, they would deliberately leave me out of company food orders and celebrations, and even convinced the manager not to promote me, and instead promoted someone who had been there less time with worse q

4.

Text - They would also berate me for the state of my desk. I will say I dont keep a super clean desk, but we are not customer facing, and it was my organized chaos. It wasn't old food or trash, just a general scattering of notes and trinkets that NEVER overflowed past my desk. The real juice here though, was about 4 months into this position, I started documenting all the bullying. Every instance, every word, with a date and time and often a reference within the companies system for where to loc

5.

Text - The final straw came on a fateful February afternoon. It was a Thursday. The one co-worker I got along with and I had been texting back and forth, mostly Craigslist ads for job openings and funny memes to get us through the day, because remember, phones are allowed. She goes to lunch as Im coming back, and I get called into their lawyers office. Me and my one and only friend, were being given formal write ups. Why? (Direct quote) "Your co-workers know you are texting about them and laughi

6.

Text - I was done. Beyond done. I put my head down, barely worked the rest of the day. When I got home, I texted my manager and let her know I was using PTO and Id be out Friday. spent the whole weekend working on my resignation, because I wanted it to be -just right-. You see, Id been there a year and a half at that point, and I knew a few things about how this shady company operates by now. I knew on Thursday this was going to be my first time ever to quit a job, and I wanted to do it

7.

Text - up right. I wrote in there specific details of the bullying. Dates, times. I mentioned I had many more examples documented. I wrote how it was known behavior and even condoned by the manager. I wrote about the write up. Then, after many critiques, I saved it as a draft. I walked in on Monday morning, 8 am on the nose. I didn't bother clocking in, and Id already cleaned out my desk remember? I sat down, printed two copies of my email, and then sent it DIRECTLY TO THE CEO.

8.

Text - I of course dropped a copy off with HR, and then walked out. Not a word to my manager. Only my one friend knew the plan. You see I knew theyd snuff out the fire if I said anything to them about why I quit. Sweep it under the rug, oh well, one more person who quit. By involving the CEO, I eliminated that as an option. 1. In 30 minutes their lawyer was calling me for an "exit interview". They were worried I would sue for a hostile working environment. In hindsight, I should've, but I was mo

9.

Text - I found out from my friend that I had in fact started that fire. The whole department was put under review for bullying, cell phones were completely banned, and the manager and her lackeys (last I heard) had been demoted. I also heard whispers that theyd dissolved it completely and merged it with the Quality team, but Im not positive on that. Im sure it didn't fix everything, but I hope they at least keep their hands out of other peoples desks from now on. TL;DR my entire team at a fortun

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