Saturday, September 26, 2020

Mom Discovers Dinosaur Toys, Assumes They're Bad News


This kid was clearly just appreciating how dang cool those grow-your-dinosaur toys are. I mean, who wouldn't want to grow a dinosaur if they had the chance. 

1.

Text - 000 Virgin LTE 6:10 PM 99% Messages (2) mom Details Can you put the black calculator in the mailbox please Mj needs it for her SAT Sure, is it in your room? Ya prolly in my nightstand drawer Or in the game room idk Subject iMessage

2.

Text - 00 Virgin LTE 6:10 PM 99% Messages (2) mom Details What are these? Ashley Carol I will not have drugs in my house. Come home right now. As soon as your dad comes home from California we will discuss your consequences. As for now your grounded and you will not be leaving the house, come home this instant. Subject iMessage

3.

Product - 000 Virgin LTE 6:10 PM 99% Messages (2) mom Details Ahahaha 3 Mom they arnt drugs lol Go put them in water Why? Just do it lol Subject iMessage

4.

Text - 00000 Virgin LTE 6:10 PM 99% Messages (3) mom Details Nevermind. You don't have to come home. ВАНАНАНА МОм омсе Why in the Earth would you buy these? I thought you were 16 not 7? Idk they looked cool Delivered Subject iMessage

Submitted by:

Comedy Gems From Lawrence Police Department's Twitter


The Lawrence Police Department's Twitter game is on point. They're providing some hilarious commentary about all the maddening times we find ourselves living in. They're doing it with what seems to be a nice balance between being helpful, and maintaining a sense of humor about everything. 

1.

Text - 0 Ô 9 + + 53% 19:38 PM nobile.twitter.com 1) Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Is 20 tubes of disinfectant wipes a reasonable amount for a 600 sq ft apartment? It is not a reasonable amount. You should not buy that many tubes. Maybe just one or two? 3:02 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 267 Retweets 1.7K Likes 20+

2.

Text - 9:37 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD It's been 38 minutes since we told you to wash your hands and you've had your hands all over your germ infested phone reading tweets. Wash your hands, wipe down your phone, and return some TP to the store. And don't crime. 3:16 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 1.2K Retweets 6.6K Likes 20+

3.

Text - O 9 + + 53% 19:38 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Do you really need 12 pounds of ground beef? You having some kind of community taco bar? That violates social distancing standards and health laws on food safety. Just get one or two pounds. 3:09 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 358 Retweets 2.8K Likes 20+

4.

Text - O 9 + 56% 19:45 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD This light dusting of snow in pretend winter is good practice for real winter. If you're having trouble driving in pretend winter, then during real winter you should take the real bus. 10:16 AM · Nov 11, 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 1.9K Retweets 11K Likes 20+

5.

Text - Text - O 9 + + 53% 19:38 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Ask yourself "is this enough toilet paper to last until August?" and then do not buy that much toilet paper. Also, don't steal toilet paper. That violates the no crime order. 2:58 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 624 Retweets 3.1K Likes 20+

6.

Text - Text - O 9 + + 57% 1 9:45 PM nobile.twitter.com 1) Lawrence P... Following 4,552 Tweets Lawrence Poli... O · Oct 31, 2019 ('_-) <) ) Birthday \('_-) ( (> Suits (`_·) <) )> Aren't (_-) <) ) Costumes 265 27 2K 17 20+

7.

Text - Text - O 9 + 56% 9:43 PM nobile.twitter.com Thread Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Sall I want for Christmas iiissss yoooouuuuu- to not criminal tomorrow so ... we can eat food and watch Christmas movies in the briefing room. 3:50 PM · Dec 24, 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 662 Retweets 6.4K Likes 20+

8.

Text - Text - + 55% 19:41 PM Thread Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Got a little twitter dot com science lesson for you. Tomorrow, it's gonna rain. All day. Then at night, it's gonna get cold. Real cold. So, moisture on pavement goes from a "liquid" state, to a "slippy icy oh crap i tapped the brakes and now my car is sliding" state. 6:35 PM · Jan 9, 2020 · Twitter Web A 841 Retweets 6.3K Likes 20+

9.

Text - Text - O 9 + + 58% i 9:48 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Protecting your family name outside a bar at 1:45 a.m. feels really important at the time, but is actually much less important when you wake up hungover the next morning with a battery citation. KU The University of K... Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would O:50 DM . Aua 21. 2010. Twitter for iDhona. 20+

10.

Text - Text - + 55% 19:41 PM nobile.twitter.com Thread 36 27 341 ♡ 3.4K Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Update: Snow. Snow e'rywhere. And it's colder than @RileyCountyPD's hearts. Please don't crime. It's so cold. 12:52 PM · Jan 11, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 125 Retweets 1.7K Likes 20+

11.

Text - Text - + 53% 9:37 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD To all the ppl @-ing us about all the cow in your freezer that you bought months ago from a farmer. We aren't talking about you. We're talking about the people panicking and spending $600 per household member at the grocery store. Let's be reasonable. Also crime is still banned 3:43 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for if 155 Retweets 2K Likes 20+

12.

Text - Text - + 55% 9:42 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Things cheaper than a DUI: -Hiring a stretch Hummer -an Uber to Burrito King, around the city, then -a Lyft to Taco something for everyone in your complex, and tipping the driver $50 buying -buying a round of shots for everyone @ the bar, then walking home #DriveSober 20+

13.

Text - Text - + 57% 19:47 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Yes, we know your dad is a lawyer. No, we literally don't care. KU The University of K... Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would it be? 10:21 PM Aug 21, 2019 · Twitter for 2.7K Retweets 26.8K Likes 20+

14.

Text - Text - O 9 + 55% 9:42 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Happy New Year! So excited for the sound of gunshots calls that definitely weren't fireworks because I know what gunshots sound like... 12:06 AM · Jan 1, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 173 Retweets 3.1K Likes I--L Da..--ld. einabina 20+

15.

Text - Text - 0• Ô 9 + + 58% 19:49 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Don't sell weed out of your apartment. It sounds like an easy way to make money until you get robbed by your customer's friend's coworker's cousin twice removed. KU The University of K... · Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would it be? 9:44 PM · Aug 21, 2019 · Twitter for iP 20+

16.

Text - Text - O 9 + + 58% 19:47 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD You may think that stop sign would look great on your living room wall next to your sweet poster collection. It won't, you're drunk, it looks terrible, and that's theft. KU The University of K... · Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would it be? 10:15 PM · Aug 21, 2019 · Twitter for i 20+

17.

Text - + 57% 9:45 PM Thread Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Lots of people with suburbitanks just read this tweet and for the life of them can't understand it. Let's fill them in, shall we? Four wheel drive makes you go, physics make you stop. Or not stop. This has been a public service announcement from the Lawrence Police Departm 9:32 AM : Oct 31.2019 · Twitter for iPhone. 20+

Submitted by:

Funniest Historical Facts That People Know


Someone on AskReddit asked for people to share the funniest historical facts that they know. The resulting insights paint a picture of just how weird the world is that we live in, and how absurdly worked up people can get themselves, when it comes to warring over seemingly meaningless stuff. 

1.

Text - TruthTeller_Really • 12h 3 1 Award Notorious Pirate/Pirate hunter Benjamin Hornigold Once attacked a ship just to steal all of the crew member's hats. His men had gotten drunk and lost their hats during a party the night before and decided to board a ship to get replacements.

2.

Text - nicowilder • 13h 3 1 Award Brazil and France almost went to war because they had a disagreement about Lobsters, the event is known as The Lobster War France thought Lobsters swim therefore they were above brazillian soil and could be fished by any vessel and Brazil thought Lobsters crawled on the ocean's floor therefore are brazillian property. Brazil's foreign affairs minister had this to say about it: "The attitude of France is inadmissible, and our government will not retreat. The lobs

3.

Text - Lo-Ping • 11h Julius Caesar had a letter dispatched via messenger while the Senate was in session. Convinced he was sending a message to his collaborators, Senator Cato the Younger demanded that the letter be read in open session to be entered into the annals of the Senate forever. Caesar allowed the letter to be read, and thus the most filthy love letter Caesar had written to his lover at the time, Cato's half-sister Servilia got entered into historical record forever. A burn so big, peo

4.

Text - TheSnappyChicken • 12h There was an actual judge at Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia to process unruly Eagles fans that were arrested during football games.

5.

Text - PokeBattle_Fan • 8h In the 1976 Montreal Olympics, there was a 14 years old Romanian gymnast who was the first to get a perfect score (10.00) Hoowever, because the score was never obtained, and was considered an impossibility, the screen tthey used could only show a score up to 9.99. So despite the fact that she DID get a perfect score of 10.00, the screen showed a score of 1.00 XD

6.

Text - WomanNotAGirl • 12h I don't know if this counts since it's a law in UK, but something happened that caused this law to be passed. As of 1313, it has been illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour

7.

Text - -EDGAR- • 11h Napoleon was once attacked by a horde of rabbits. Basically, a rabbit hunt was set up to celebrate the Treaties of Tilsit and they ended up amassing somewhere between hundreds and thousands of rabbits (accounts vary). Anyway, the day of the hunt they set the rabbits in cages surrounding the area that they would be hunting in. They released them once everyone was set, but instead of being scared the bunnies swarmed the hunting party. At first they thought it was funny, but th

8.

Text - Ginger_Chick • 12h It has been all over reddit forever, but the fact that Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was ejected from Jackson's funeral for swearing, will never not make me giggle.

9.

Text - mrfitzmonster • 12h I don't remember specifics, but a lord in England way, way back.(1600'S?) wanted his people to start growing potatoes. The locals scoffed at the idea, so the lord started his own potato patch and started telling people how expensive and valuable they were. He had guards posted around his potato garden. However, he told the guards that if people snuck in at night, they were to look the other way. Through this method, the people started growing potatoes and, when the bad

10.

Text - ACrispPickle • 12h British Navy in WW1 had battleships disguised as passenger and merchant ships with some of the sailors crossdressing as women. This was to entice German U-boats to surface as they would frequently attack unarmed and unescorted merchant ships.

11.

Text - ScoobyTrue • 12h Up until 1945, every single person in New York City was required to move on the same day. May 1st was called "Moving Day," and everyone in NYC was legally required to move their shit out of their apartment/house and find a new one. Movers charged outrageous prices and apartments all raised their rents every year because they could get away with it. People literally HAD to move or face legal consequences. Imagine how stressful moving from one apartment to another is. Now i

12.

Text - Xandercruisefd • 13h Didn't Caligula start a war with the ocean? Reply 161 tiny_films • 12h I think it had something to do with Poseidon or some other ocean dwelling spirit lol. Ordered his men to stab the water iirc. Edit: to clarify it was Xerxes, thank you for reminding me below lol.

13.

Text - reejoy96 • 12h Part of Boston was once devastated by a flood of molasses .you could say it was a sticky situation

14.

Text - Justin_Shields• 10h Back in ancient times, people thought that heavy objects fall faster than light objects. The funny part is, no one really even tried to prove that theory wrong, even though it was so easy to. And then, some guy proved that they fall at the same speed. But instead of praising him, everyone got mad at him for throwing two different size boulders off of the leaning tower of piza. I can't remember his name, though...

Submitted by:

Guy Tries To Write His Name in Baseball Field With Tractor


A dude recently got into Miller Park baseball field through an unlocked door, found a tractor, messed around, and just kinda left. Security cameras caught the attempt. He said he was trying to write his name, but it looks like a fruitless effort.

Submitted by: (via WISN 12 News)

Startup Tries to Get Business to Compete for Bad Job, Soundly Denied


This company tried to turn their lame offer into a competition, but they asked precisely the wrong person to comply. This business owner in particular has had some memorable interactions with folks like this private school that wanted upgrades before their own charity, this treasurer of who couldn't comprehend a payment plan, or this client who refused to understand what having a broken arm means.

1.

Text - New message via your website, from no-reply@ N to mel 2 days ago Details k just submitted your form: Message Details Name (callsign, handle, prison id): | Email (please): Phone (optional): | Subject (would help greatly): Custom gaming machine Message: love your website by the way! Hilarious and well put together! I've sent a similar email to 4 other

2.

Text - companies (minus the compliments on the website) I'm looking for a custom bespoke machine for my start up company. I like what you have but I want something a little different styling wise and graphics wise. What I would like from the 5 companies in total is to design me a unique cabinet and artwork. I'm not sure exactly what I want but l'll know it when i i see it.

3.

Text - If I like your design you have my business and a horde of potential customers. I say "Horde" because my company name is |and they will come in hordes believe me! Before you panic just know that I'm paying for this. My budget is $1400. I would like the following: Custom design of cabinet and at work Full design wrap, front and sides 32" screen Sanwa buttons and controllers

4.

Text - A good sound system Minimum of an i5 pc, no (Dell systems!) The rest is up to you guys to impress me enough that l'll go with you. The winner gets the business and all the exposure that comes with an exciting new start up company that already has 1k followers on social media. Good luck!

5.

Text - Inbox to 2 days ago Details Hi No. Good luck! to me 15 hours ago Details Hi Well it's definitely a lost opportunity on your behalf may I ask why though?

6.

Text - Inbox to 15 hours ago Details No it's not. Yes you may to me 15 hours ago Details Well why? I'm not sure if you're joking?

7.

Text - to 15 hours ago Details An off the shelf machine at the specs you want is worth $2.5k You want us to spend a day or so designing a custom one for you on a "maybe" and you'll pay $1400 if we win your shitty competition? Can you see why I'm not doing the Electric Slide right now Come up with another $1100 plus design fee and we'll talk about how busy i am and how i can't do it anyway. Jesus man...

Submitted by:

Temp Tries To Get Employee Fired Behind Their Back


The real kicker here is that she had the irrational nerve to try and use them for a reference after this whole mess. Sounds like she's in dire need of a reality check. 

1.

Text - r/ProRevenge + Join u/ManElegant • 3y A temp I barely knew was actively trying to get me fired behind my back. Jeeprs this blew up. I haven't time to today but I will make it my business to reply to all questions in the next few days. This happened a while ago but decided to post today as she rang a member of the office and used the threat of unfair dismissal claim if she wasn't given a good reference. Not sure if it belongs in here or not. TL:DR An office temp l'd spoken to a handful of

2.

Text - So, we had a temp covering maternity leave that turned out to be a bit of a nutjob. She was EA to Deputy CEO and seemed to think this gave her some sort of status. We'll call her the temp. I'd spoken to her twice maybe three and was incredibly nice;I make it my business to be nice to everyone. What she didn't know is that from about a week after she started I knew she was sending daily complaints (all unfounded and untrue) to my manager about me. My manager and I get on socially and profe

3.

Text - What set our alarm bells ringing though was one day I was leaving early and asked her to cover something that afternoon in person, to her face. She was nice about it and said no problem. I have flexi hours and get lots of time in lieu so l'm not always there 9-5 like other staff. Often I'm there late or on weekends so I have hours built up and let my boss know l'm cashing them in. We have an unusually complicated leave system and neither of us wants the paper work so I always need to clea

4.

Text - My boss rang me that afternoon and said she'd come in asking where I was and who was going to do the job she'd agreed to cover me for? She denied we had a conversation and then she complained about my hours saying I hadn't been there for hours on end and making up days I wasn't there. We had a record of that of course. He explained the nature of my job meant I often wasn't at my desk and am available on a company mobile that she could ring anytime. She deemed this wasn't enough and basica

5.

Text - Here's where he actual downfall started. In work we supply long life milk only and coffee. Everything else belongs to staff , this is widely known. It was told to people explicitly on their induction, by me. Don't take other people's stuff, what's in the shelf marked staff you can have/share. I order all of our supplies, office and tea coffee for staff and conferences so the few e mails I would get from her would be complaining about all the stuff she was using was running out and not bei

6.

Text - It kept going and got worse she even took a few microwave diners on me, others were complaining about their stuff walking too. The complaints from her continued and l'd reply (always) by e mail and and say the same thing over and over but no, I was wrong staff were to be supplied with the items she mentioned and I had to replace it and she would be forced to tell her manager if I didn't do it. I told her by all means tell your manager I always ask people to give any complaints they have a

7.

Text - Of course she never went to her manager, she just kept sending more and more e mails in secret to my boss and now others with her making up conversations we'd never had and doctoring emails, yeah it was getting to this stage. My boss would come over with staff member a print out every time and I would show him my original e mail replies given I never knew when she'd e mail this was further proof I was telling the truth. He trusted me but the independent staff member was us doubly covering

8.

Text - We made note of it all including incorrect time lines and false claims and all false e mails were verified by other staff to be untrue we then just pretty much ignored her constant complaints. Her boss knew what was going on and admitted to ignoring the stuff she was doing and said to me and my boss to her ignore the temps complaints too. Other staff were now reporting her increasingly odd and vindictive behavior and the deputy CEO apologetically said to my boss and I and several others t

9.

Text - Anyway in a horrible twist of fate her boss unexpectedly had to go on personal leave pretty much indefinitely and a replacement was rushed in to cover her. Then like two days later the bombshell dropped that the original EA wasn't coming back and the temps was offered a new short term contract until a new replacement was found. Thankfully this wasn't an extension but a brand new one, so she was on a 3 month probation again. Now the new Deputy CEO didn't know the lay of the land and the te

10.

Text - Now we knew with the increase in complaints and her increasingly hostile behavior to me behind closed door we lined our ducks up. We basically had a running record so we killed her with kindness and waited. The day came and she struck, would you believe it, it started over milk? Even though l'm getting older and should know better, I love milk l'll have a glass with my lunch often more. Don't judge, it is what it is. Anyway, she is in the kitchen and I take my milk out of the fridge to ta

11.

Text - I texted my manager and said D Day had landed. Sure enough an hour later the HR person comes in (We outsource HR) and didn't even say hello to me coming in. She ALWAYS swung by my desk. My boss has kindly printed out everything and is ready to bat for me. I play dumb when I am called into the room. The new deputy CEO has a thick file that the temp has compiled and she basically starts grinding her axe about all the terrible stuff I've done to her referring to the files, times and dates an

12.

Text - When I was asked to defend any point I didn't I said I wanted every complaint read out and once we'd gotten through every single thing she wrote would I then put my case forward. They certainly thought this was strange but obliged me none the less. We were there for about half an hour, the temp is crying at how badly I have ignored her and how was it the company and my boss have allowed this treatment of her to carry on? It's getting hard to sit through this absolute character assassinati

13.

Text - I then said if that wasn't enough I also could provide the list of tape numbers from the back up that could prove my e mails were doctored by her and also the list of staff that were present with my boss when he compared them? Then I finally showed various e mails between the Deputy CEO and I outlining what was going on. The Dep CEO and HR lady just looked at each other and said I wouldn't be needed anymore.

14.

Text - The temps tears changed to hysteria, she was livid, calling me a liar and that I was only doing this because she'd rejected a pass l'd made at her. the it became that all the staff hated her and it was a big conspiracy to get her fired. She then tried to provide times and dates of when staff members had done social stuff without her and she was being excluded and harassed. She went on screeching for probably about an hour with anything, you name it about how the staff and I in particular

15.

Text - The last I saw of the temp was as she was marched to get her phone and her other shit at her desk and straight out the door as she wailed like a banshee. Today she rang looking for a reference, she won't get it. I don't care about my managers not doing their job as I don't plan on being here in 6 months time. They are paying for my wedding and I'm going to bounce. If you read all that thanks. To the temp, fuck you, I win. 10.0k 499 1 Share

Submitted by: