Friday, January 1, 2021

Train Conductor Uses Masterful Investigative Skills


This train conductor clearly chose the wrong profession. The dude has a knack for investigating. That passenger doesn't even know what hit him. 

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez Witnessed the most amazing thing on the train to Edinburgh yesterday. A guy boarded in Wigan & sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour. When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it & went back to sleep. (This isn't a maths test, you don't need to know the distance/ speed). 12:45 · 11/01/2020 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Replying to @comedylopez Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy. "Can I see your ticket, please?" "Oh, I need to buy a ticket" "Where you going, pal?" The guy glances at his phone. "Edinburgh" "Where did you get on?" 2711 383 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h I can see the cogs working in this guy's head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was. "Carlisle" The train guard sits down next to hi

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy is wondering if the guard saw him earlier. He decides to go for it. Poker face time. I feel like l'm watching Pacino & De Niro face off in 'Heat! Q1 2711 524

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "I got on in Carlisle" The train guard furrows his brow, puts his ticket machine down and picks up a receipt from the table in front of the guy. "This train stopped in Carlisle 10 minutes ago, but this receipt was issued over an hour ago." 91 2712 467

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Face - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h RED TABLE TALK EA/OO0000W! GIF 275 403

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Holy shit! Train Guard has evidence. Wasn't this supposed to be made available to the defence team? I can see the beads of sweat forming on the guy's forehead. "That's not mine" (Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the evidence the prosecution have is circumstantial) 279 545 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h ATPTENNIS TV YORKU ola UNIVERSLTE UNIVERSTTS S.com GIF 91 277 332

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "This receipt is for a sandwich, you've got crumbs all over you." He does, too! The train guard is Sherlock Holming the crap out of this. The guy might has well have had mayo on his face. What a plum! one GIF LOCKSPEARE 27 18 831

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h "That's not mine. I had a sandwich in Carlisle" Damn. He's denying everything. Is the train guard going to inspect the sandwich packaging? "Carlisle to Edinburgh, that's £27. Cash or card?" 91 2712 421 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h He's... he's got away with it. Gutted. Really thought the train guard had him. The guy pulls out his wallet & slides over his debit card. There's a definite air of smugness, he put the card on the table like it was a platinum cre

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Oh well, I guess he's evaded justice this time. GIF Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown. 277 356 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Wait... The train guard is looking at the card very closely. The guy appears confused. 277 384

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Maintaining eye contact with the perp, the train guard puts the card down next to the receipt. "This is the same card used to buy the sandwich, sir." The guy's eyes are darting back and forth from the guard to the card. "No.... what?" O 1,006 27 20 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h GIF O 442 276

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "The last four digits are printed on the receipt" 278 486 2 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Sweet Falk! He's got him! GIF 27 12 876

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Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy's shoulders slump. No response. Completely dumbfounded. "... and I'm sure if I checked the camera footage we'd see you getting on earlier and buying that sandwich". 279 2 511 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "I fell asleep. I was a bit spaced out" "No problem, sir. Where did you get on" "Wigan" "That'll be £71, please, sir" 27 16 936

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Sky - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h GIF 277 588 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy didn't sleep again after that. He spent the rest of the journey staring down at that receipt. I mean, the real crime here is the price of rail travel but, wow. What a trip. O 28 2767 2,950

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Guy Goes To Sleep, Girlfriend Has Meltdown


Yikes everywhere. This guy was just trying to catch some zzz's when the next thing he knew he woke up to a complete meltdown from his girlfriend. She calls him a hurtful liar and proceeds to inform him that he's blocked on everything. Um. The dude was just trying to sleep. Sounds like he really dodged a bullet on this one, and the sooner that relationship is a thing of a past, the better!

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Text - r/relationship_advice + JOIN u/ThrowRaRedditor • 11d My (20F) girlfriend blocked me (20M) on everything because i said i was going to sleep early Relationships I am currently in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 1 year and i have known

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Text - her for 5 and i have not gotten the chance to see her in some months because of school, since then we've missed each other a lot and we talk on the phone everyday. i try to talk to her as much as i can despite the fact i work 30 hours out of the week and go to school full time. while sometimes we argue and she sometimes will block me on whatsapp and IG , there have been times where she has been as mad as she is currently, but we usually always make up.

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Text - so yesterday, she was having an extremely rough day and she is the kind of person when she is mad or stressed over something she does not like to talk to me , and when she does talk to me she sometimes will be passive aggressive over something. when i found out what was stressing her out this morning she sent me a text saying "i'm not mad at you, but please don't talk to me today , please for once respect the fact i need space" so i didn't. After i came back from work she texted me while

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Text - for a bit and then she called me . after a short conversation i said "i'm probably going to sleep a little early tonight because i have to get up super early tomorrow, after i said that her demeanor changed...she said "well if your just gonna sleep, ill talk to you later" and she hung up , i tried to call her back but she then stated she was upset because i was trying to shut her down and that all she wanted to do was talk, and i told her i wasn't saying i want to cut the conversation, i

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Text - me on read. after that i fell asleep and i wake up to a text reading something like this. "your a liar i call and 2 min into the conversation you immediately want to shut it down. i cant count on you for anything. don't try contacting me again. im tired of being there for people who wont be there for me. your a selfish person. im done with you, go find someone who does what i

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Text - do for you because im done with you. i cant love someone who doesn't care about me. i don't care if you offer to help out all i wanted was to talk to you. the min i need you, your not there . leave me alone, move on because i sure will, im blocking you so don't contact me again. goodbye" now, i know while most will see this and say its over, this isn't the first time i have received a text much like this one, but every time it happens i still feel like shit and i just want to show her im

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Text - sorry and figure out some way to fix this. she has always been more of the type of person that if she feels hurt she will try to say something to hurt me back. in the past i would just go see her and it would work out or i would just give her some space and she would then slowly forgive me, but now im unsure if that will work. what do i

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Text - do? what CAN i do if she blocked me on everything? i love this girl to death and i want to marry her but im unsure of how to handle this Edit 1: Wow..I'm honestly baffled by the amount of traction this post received, hearing all your stories has made me feel loved. I'll try to get to everyone's pm and messages but wow. Honestly yall, I feel for once in a long time l'm NOT alone. Bless all of you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart . And for the one person who asked if I was Asian.

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Text - LordChuckleFuck • 11d S 12 Awards Take her advice and don't contact her again.

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Text - FormalNoodle • 11d O 8 3 4 Awards OP, your girlfriend sounds extremely toxic and that kind of behavior falls under gaslighting. I suggest just leaving it be, and if she wants to talk to you again she will unblock you - and if she does, you need to have a serious conversation about open communication, being an adult when it comes to any type of “fight". There isn't an excuse for that type of behavior coming from anyone, it's just childish.

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Text - karlaREDDIT • 11d Unhealthy. This is your chance.

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Text - Viviaana • 11d Count it as a win, she sounds toxic af and clearly she's trying her hardest to hurt you, why would you want to try and fix that? I know it's rough but she's made her choice and you'll be so much better off without dickheads who call you selfish because they want you to be their therapist

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Text - WitnessMeToValhalla • 11d She did you a favor OP. She's too immature for a real relationship. Block her back

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A Bundle of Beautiful Stupid Puns


Sometimes we can't tell if we love or hate puns. Depending on who you ask, they're either created by geniuses or monsters, but they can definitely be overwhelming, like this sign's pun game that is too strong. Sometimes you just need some puns to satisfy those wordplay cravings.

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Dog - TRIED TO CATCHFOG YESTERDAY. PLS NO. EATLIVER.COM MIST

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Photo caption - I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire Was it arson? @PunHubOnline Yes, your son CE Pun hub

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Organism - The Human Nervous System JUICE @Thatbulljuice He looks a little... nervous

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Text - Jake 12m - 6 kilometers donate my blood? yeah right, and have my blood swimming around in some other guy's boner? nice try, buddy. 1 like Like Comment A bipolarkirkland no hemo youre-hardtohold that was the best joke i've heard all month

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Text - Catstrey @CatstreyDave To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking. 6:22 PM - 1/1/20 Twitter for Android 16.8K Retweets 64.3K Likes

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Action figure - RESISTHOR INDUCTHOR CAPACITHOR TRANSISTHOR

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Nature reserve - FROG PARKING ONLY ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD!

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Text - Karen YOU MATCHED WITH KAREN ON 12/31/18 You're so cute it's sKaren me . Yesterday 2:48 AM Huh Today 8:59 PM I tried to make a pun out of your name but I guess you didn't Karenough to notice Sent Today 9:51 PM What

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Text - Sam didn't want to sing SAMSUNG but

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

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Text - earendil-was-a-mariner Gandalf doesn't say that Shadowfax is the best or fastest, he says that he is the "lord of all horses" and I quite frankly want more information about the responsibilities and powers that come with that position. howler32557038 I would assume it behooves him to create a more stable economy for all horses by reigning in unnecessary spending. It must be a huge responsibility to be saddled with, but I'm sure he always meets it with unbridled enthusiasm. He's probably c

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her. I said maybe 6:50 AM - Sep 25, 2017 Twitter for iPhone

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Product - Where did her Lego? Unike Reply 841 2 hours ago

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Duck - BEWARE OF THE CROCS

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Text - I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won't understand. Post it anyway, most people are smarter than you are think and will probably understand it.

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Internet meme - Was that a T-Rex that was just talking to you? Yeah he just sold me a few handguns What?? Why? He's my small arms dealer

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Stairs - THIS SHIT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL

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Bird feeder - WELL ON THAT NOTE

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Window - Apparently Mac supports Windows now. This joke panes me.

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Text - Tom Bellingham @TommyWTF1 *Star Wars characters seeing themselves in 4K for the first time* Han Solo: "Wow, I'm in HD!" Yoda: HDMI2 Screen M D

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Text - I am doing some small renovations in my bedroom, and just found this hidden in the ceiling 56 12 Share BEST COMMENTS meowroarhiss • 5h Moewron • 4h sabre this moment. 1 11 + Reply

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Photo caption - Why did you bring two pairs of socks? In case I get a hole in one aPunHubonie

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Text - THE MOLAR BEAR FIGHTING AGAINST ENAMEL CRUELTY

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Rock - I inally found it... rock bottom.

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Water - FREE CHICKEN STRIPS pleatedeans

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Roof - oh no qasimple @QasimMiah What the hellman

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Knight - It's extra sharp how are you going to fight me with a block of cheese? рок

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