Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Twitter Thread: A Tale Of Jellyfish And Manliness


This fun Twitter thread captures the painful experience of being stung by a jellyfish while diving out at sea, and what has to happen for one to recover from that sting. One with a bloated ego can certainly be humbled very quickly. Sounds like that particular dude was. Maybe the cups are the move the next time. 

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Text - Chris Jones @EnswellJones I want to say I was 16, maybe. My family went to Florida. I was-and still am-a passionate SCUBA diver. The water is the only place I feel graceful. I went by myself on a dive boat. There was me and maybe six other divers- all big, brawny men. I felt very small and hairless. 1:01 PM · 17 Jul 20 · Twitter Web App 5,448 Retweets and comments 13.3K Likes Chris Jones @EnswellJones 1d Replying to @EnswellJones You have to understand dive culture. Some people like the f

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Text - Chris Jones @EnswellJones · 1d This boat was filled with those meatheads. On our way out to the dive site, I was like, Are we invading Bermuda? They were all strapped and wearing four-foot fins, telling tales about how they routinely dived to 300 feet and fought sharks. Several confessed underwater murders. 2 27 27 1,475 Chris Jones @EnswellJones 1d Today l'd be like, Sorry about your shitty childhoods. But being a teenage boy is hard in some ways. I was sort of intimidated and wanted bad

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Text - Chris Jones @EnswellJones 1d Anyway, we dived, and the biggest Chet of the bunch got a wicked jellyfish sting on his face, like he'd been slashed with broken glass. Whether any of his other stories were true, I had no idea. But now he had a true story about the time a jellyfish turned his lips into sausages. 3 27 19 1,457 Chris Jones @EnswellJones 1d We scrambled back onto the boat. The guy was screaming through his gritted teeth, so pretty quickly, he was laid out flat on the deck. Back

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Text - Chris Jones @EnswellJones · 1d I shouldered into the circle and peed on him, too. I didn't just take a tinkle on this dude, either. If you've ever gone diving, you know that you absorb or swallow half the ocean. You have to piss like a racehorse. It was like l was a bilge pump. I emptied a bucket on this guy. 27 37 1,804 Chris Jones @EnswellJones 1d I was reminded, years earlier, of going to Cleveland Municipal Stadium, maybe? Some ballpark that had circular urinals. I had to stand there

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Text - Chris Jones @EnswellJones 1d We doused that guy like he was on fire-there was more urine on that boat deck than in the ball pit at IKEA. And then we all acted like the biggest fucking heroes in the world, giving each other high fives and shit. It was the weirdest thing. These guys were JACKED. 27 26 1,595 Chris Jones @EnswellJones · 1d We headed back to shore. Pissboy sat alone, staring out to sea. I remember thinking, He doesn't look okay. It wasn't just the jellyfish sting. That trip ch

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Text - Chris Jones L @EnswellJones We got back and said goodbye: six strangers brought together by fate to urinate all over another stranger's face. My parents asked me how my dive had gone. "Great," I said. I didn't tell them I had peed on a man for the first time. I just ate my ice cream. It was reward enough. 1:10 PM · 17 Jul 20 · Twitter Web App

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Excessively Powerful Showerhead Can Levitate Itself


The force is strong with this showerhead. 

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Tumblr Thread: Spy Kids Is A Baffling Cinematic Masterpiece


This wonderful Tumblr thread addresses the mystifying cinematic experiences that were the Spy Kids movies. They were filled to brim with all kinds of strange curveballs and cameos. For instance, the president in the third movie was George Clooney, and the villain was, Sylvester Stallone. Like, what? 

For some more gold from Tumblr, check out this thread that imagines a world where a man was able to identify superheroes with a special ability.

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Text - dilapidatedragamuffin Deactivated HOW WAS SPY KIDS 3 A MOVIE Can we talk about Spy Kids 3 for a second because it's just the MOST BAFFLING CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE EVER First we open to LITTLE BABY SELENA GOMEZ

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Photo caption - THE PRESIDENT IS GEORGE CLOONEY? Oh, you can call me Devlin.

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Poster - Later we see Juni's grandpa who is KHAN?? who spends the whole movie chasing a butterfly Donit wait for me Juni. Hl catch upwith you

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Fictional character - THE VILLAIN IS SYLVESTER STALLONE WHO GETS VILLAIN ADVICE FROM THREE OTHER SYLVESTER STALLONES We are you.

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Fictional character - ELIJAH WOOD SHOWS UP m the Guy ONLY TO DIE IN THE NEXT SCENE

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Fictional character - Then we find out that the president was actually the villain the whole time which makes ZERO SENSE but leads to this glorious George Clooney Sylvester Stallone impression For imprisoning me. For using me.

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Facial expression - Then we get Antonio Banderas doing this? Nobody move. Nobody move!

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Adaptation - AND THEIR UNCLE WHO IS STILL MACHETE MACHETE

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Photo caption - AND THEN STEVE BUSCEMI SHOWS UP ON A FLYING PIG FOR NO REASON Somebody call in a loon? HOW WAS THIS A MOVIE??? stinkyhat steve buscemi shows up on a flying pig because he was a character in the Spy Kids 2 & wanted to help out his friends. please read up on spy kids lore before saying ignorant shit like this.

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Birds Photoshopped With Arms Inspires Comedy Gold


Just when we thought we'd seen it all, we come across a subreddit dedicated to photoshopped pictures of birds with arms. It's way too good. Also, imagine a world where we saw birds out and about, with absolutely shredded arms? Now that would be a trip. 

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Sculpture

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Room - CH

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Bird

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Bird

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Bird

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Vertebrate

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Bird

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Flip (acrobatic)

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Vertebrate

10. Untitled

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Bird - alemy

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Bird - Goosebumps

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Budgie

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Tumblr Thread: Snoop Dogg Appreciation


The career of Snoop Dogg is long and interesting, and he's managed to work his way into popular culture in a way unlike anyone else. Tumblr fawns over his more down to earth aspects, his cook book, and the fact that Martha Stewart is a convicted felon while he isn't. You can never be too sure of what kind of golden moments will come out of the world of Tumblr.

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Cheezburger Image 9525686528

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Cheezburger Image 9525686784

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Cheezburger Image 9525687040

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Cheezburger Image 9525687296

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Cheezburger Image 9525687552

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Cheezburger Image 9525687808

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Cheezburger Image 9525688064

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Cheezburger Image 9525686272

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A Bushel of Funny Tweets to Savor


When it's not actively imploding all over itself, Twitter births some wildly creative, extremely dumb, and supremely clever jokes. Sometimes you need ridiculous musings in the form of tweets to give that day a boost. Are they often stupid? Yeah. Are they basically funny? Definitely. Heap some funny tweets onto that day.

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Text - JB 4Realz @JB4Realz son *showing me some gloppy thing he made out of play-doh*: do you like my creation? me *remembering creating him, an actual human being*: it's a'ight, i guess.

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Product - christina @floozyesq its called shoplifting TARGET SPONSORED BY WIKIBUY This genius checkout trick can drop your Target total instantly SEE MORE

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Text - Melanie Gibson @lmMelanieGibson I say we change the word fuck to duck and show autocorrect who's really in charcoal around here.

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Text - confused wizard club @geekysteven According to the CDC website the #1 killer is still lucky_punx73 on Call of Duty, an absolute legend

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Organism - that one guy from that thing @urvillageidiot pretty much a worst case scenario

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Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Detective: where were you between 2 and 4? Me *confidently* preschool

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Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense Me: So where's all the security? John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we're on our own

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Text - cory @harvardgraduat moses: *parts the red sea* fish: ok wtf [later] fish's boss: why were u late fish: ur not gonna believe this

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Text - Gravy Facts @GravyFact Don't have any money? Hand the cashier some gravy! They will ask you to leave almost immediately.

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Road - Paul @bingowings 14 Fingers crossed it's hummus Hidden dip

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Text - neeza @vinniejpeg he keeps texting me saying "busy with COD" what does this fish have that i don't

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Footwear - @Lixinct These are all well and good until you cross your legs = Q asos DO PE

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Text - Matt @matttomic This photo of Lance Armstrong, the Undertaker and Matthew McConaughey reminds me of being sat at wedding table 30 in the far corner reserved for "miscellaneous friends/coworkers" trying to make conversation RDOMLY'S 86 LE TYSON OWN

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Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Hey did y'all order DoorDash?

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Text - horse massacre @torqpenderloin post rock band names are out of control NEWS ANALYSIS Your Ancestors Knew Death in Ways You Never Will

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Text - suki @desukidesu ★★★★★ Wow this huge wooden horse is great! [Review updated] * * ** Ok what the fuck

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Text - ! cam ! @climaxximus me: here comes greg, he's always talking about scarecrows greg: hey man me: omg shut the fuck up greg

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Text - tatum @50FirstTates i am panicking thinking about how when u close ur eyes they don't turn off. they kind of just. keep looking? at ur closed eyelids. this is bullshit

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Text - Lumberzack @ltsLumberzack Budweis "go big or go home" bro i would love to go home right now

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Text - human aaron @humanaaron I like dogs just as much as the next guy, but how you gonna bark at me when I'm a block away on the other side of the street? Bruh this isn't your jurisdiction. What are you even accusing me of? I want to talk to your manager

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Text - pat regan @poregan every 18 seconds l'm like "do I have covid or is that just what it feels like to have a throat?"

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Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Son: Daddy, there's a monster under my bed Me *ruffles his hair* why do you think I chose the other room?

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Text - Adam Sharp @AdamCSharp Cute animal rhymes to say farewell: 8. In a while, crocodile 7. Toodle loo, kangaroo 6. Ciao for now, jersey cow 5. Why you still here, white-tailed deer 4. Just piss off, gypsy moth 3. Go to hell, red gazelle 2. Kiss my hole, woodland vole 1. Off you fuck, crested duck

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Text - Jim Office @dogboner thought about finally getting my shit together but it's already like 8pm. maybe tomorrow

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Text - thomas @thombodytolove "do u have protection" i feel around my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. "im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer." the night is ruined for

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Text - tom @pilau Doing all the side missions in a video game makes you a king but doing them irl is procrastination

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Text - eric curtin O @dubstep4dads a little over a year ago i received this dm. every day since, ive lived in fear 12:19 IKEA USA @IKEAUSA IKEA meatball 4/12/19, 4:41 PM

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Text - John Ness O @JohnNess "Why don't you take a stab at this" is a weird thing Americans say to each other

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Text - Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn The worlds leading scientists have laughed at, but offered no evidence to refute, my theory that rising sea levels are the result of there being lots and lots of boats in them

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Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns Sheriff: red rover red rover Criminal 1: is that allowed? Criminal 2 [releasing hostage]: rules are rules

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Text - Saddington 2 @2Saddington The Robert Frost poem about two paths but one path is believing it's not butter and the other is not believing it's not butter

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Text - clean slate @PleaseBeGneiss Dying man: tell my wife I love her Me: that sounds emotionally draining Dying man: please Me: can I text her Dying man: no Me: what's her snap

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Text - Gío @GioLicaj Is my boss okay iMessage Today 1:07 PM What are we doing Just existing I guess :/ I meant for work tomorrow Read 1:09 PM Oh, be in at 8

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Text - soul nate @MNateShyamalan customer: i would like a sandwich of something that fits easily between slices of bread and wants to stay there me, the inventor of the meatball sub: first of all shut the fuck dn

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Adaptation - scott.fw.png O @_scottjohnson starting an e-mail off with "i hope this e-mail finds you well" in this year our lord 2020

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Text - Pessimus Prime Minister @BigJDubz Reviews of Hogwarts ***** "The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft" "Great teachers, superb quidditch field" ☆☆☆☆ "At least one student dies every year"

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Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Me: I took these shrooms but I dont think they're doing anything. Mario: Were you big already?

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Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 me: *handing out drink samples* i call it coffee I| mark cuban: *takes sip* omg it's awful me: well they're poisoned mark cuban: what me: can i interest u in a small stake in the coffee Il antidote market

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Text - Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff MARIO: It's-a Me, Mario! WITNESS PROTECTION AGENT: (rubbing temples) Let's go over this, again.

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Text - jo @WhaJoTalkinBout me: do you offer anything *lowers voice* on the side? drug dealer: Ilike what me: *lowers voice even more* curly fries

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Text - mo @chuuew PASSENGER: How long have you had your pilots license? ME: [flicking "wheels go up" button] Licenses are for driving, dummy

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Text - Patrick Hogan O @phogan Apparently swiffer wet wipes come in zip-lock bags in case you want to eat one now and save the rest for later

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Text - thomas @thombodytolove how can a train run on gravy. i have crunched the numbers and it simply is not possible

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Text - Chris Gayomali O @chrisgayomali dream way to die is to slowly be lowered into a vat of molten metal like the Terminator but instead of a thumbs up it's a

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Text - Dr. Bucky Isotope for President @Buckylsotope Hey @FinalFantasy I don't think you guys know what the word "final" means

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