Utter Goobs Who Missed The Joke By Miles

Picture yourself reading something online. It doesn't make any factual sense. In fact, it seems like whoever posted it seems to be making some kind of extreme logical leap. And for some reason, everyone is responding to it positively with laughter. Any decent detective might assume that what they've stumbled upon is what many would refer to as a joke. But you don't see it that way. What you see is someone making an assertion. An incorrect, illogical assertion that a priest and a rabbi have walked into a bar, and the bartender is a horse. This is simply impossible. There's just no reasonable explanation for this set of circumstances. And you need to tell all of the people enjoying this lie that in fact their feelings are wrong.

Here are a folks who really wanted to let people know that their jokes were wrong. And for even more, here are oblivious people who missed the joke.

Insecure Friend Tells Married Adult Friends That They Aren't Ready For Children, Shocked They're Mad

This insecure friend tried to tell their financially-secure newlywed friends that they weren't ready to have children. The internet has rebuked their comments and pointed out that they are merely projecting their own difficult situation to the tune of shades of jealousy and remorse. 

This thread was posted to Reddit's r/AITA (Am I the A-Hole) subreddit by the insecure friend, Redditor u/throwra_atlanna, who created a throwaway account to share this story in order to preserve their anonymity and protect the identity of their main account. They posted their story in order to see if they were in the wrong for their comments or if their friends were in the wrong for their reactions to them.

Overwhelmingly, commenters have expressed disapproval of the poster's attitude and have condemned their actions and comments. The majority vote on this one looks to be 'YTA' (You're the A-Hole), meaning that the poster is indeed in the wrong.

Scroll on for screenshots of u/throwra_atlanna's post and some key reader reactions below. 

33 People Share Times They Were Responsible For New Rules

It's pretty cool to break a rule you didn't even know existed. You almost feel like a celebrity. You're like an astronaut of inappropriateness, coming up with new ways to battle the system.

It's happened to just about everyone. You're at work on a slow day, and you discover a back room in a warehouse that's basically untouched. "Hot damn," you think, "I could get a mattress, a few toilets in here, and I'd have a pretty cool fort." It goes well for a few weeks, but then your bunker gets found out by a nosey coworker, and it's back to square one. Except now there's a new memo that goes out, reading "under no circumstances may an employee build a clubhouse out of work property." It was a short ride, but it was an exciting one. And now new hires will hear the legend of your chill work bunker.

Husband Secretly Books His Mom On Husband/Wife Vacation, Wife Nopes Out Of Trip

What are you supposed to do when you've saved up a bunch of money to do a nice thing, and your own spouse just drops your awful mother-in-law into the mix, like a dog-egg into cake batter. That's a turd, by the way. A dog-egg is a turd. A dog turd.

See, this is why people need to stick to boundaries and communicate with their significant others. This woman was excited to go on a trip with her husband, just to find out day of, literally at the airport, that his mother is coming along. This one is a toss-up between who's more toxic; the spineless son who couldn't stand up to his insane mom, or the mom herself who threatened to call the cops if she couldn't go on vacation with him. One thing that seems clear is that this pair deserves each other, and this woman is just caught up in their mess. This one is a yikes all around.

For another trip-themed fiasco, here's the spoiled daughter who wanted a $30K trip as a reward, and the Dad who wanted his partner to pay for it.

Service Worker Makes Job Take as Long as Possible When They Are Forced to Return to Site

A service worker was called out to a job and sent home moments after arriving because the manager on-site wanted to return home. So when they had to re-attend the site the following day they drew the job out for as long as possible.

Now, I know what you're thinking… Isn't that what every service person does any time they attend any job ever? It certainly seems like it. When the TV repair guy used to come to my parent's house he'd spend the entire day on the roof doing only-god-knows-what. (I'm only kidding please don't flame me in the comments service workers.)

This thread was posted to Reddit's r/maliciouscompliance subreddit by Redditor u/Mother_Distance_4714, who was the service worker in their story. They shared the story of their brilliant response to their customer's demand that they return to the site the following morning.
 

Keep scrolling for screenshots of the story and Reddit's reactions below.
 

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25 Instances Of Kids Being The Weirdest And Dumbest People Around

Kids aren't exactly smart people. Thank goodness for child labor laws, because if we had to deal with child coworkers, it would be a mess. Imagine having to wait for a fourth grader to finish figuring out the copier. HR would be packed full of "stop hitting yourself" cases. The break room would be covered in candy wrappers. And good luck finding fresh air, cause toddlers these days smoke up to three packs a day.

It's a good thing we send these people to school for a decade and a half, cause there are few places where they could be welcome or useful. They can't sit still, and good thing they're considered dependents, because they can't be bothered to do their taxes. You can't even leave a 9 year old alone with a bucket of paint before he comes back blue.

Anyway, here's more stupid proof that kids are almost another species.

33 People Share The Smallest Opinion Hills They Are Willing To Die On

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That doesn't exactly mean that their stance on something is any good. And of course, the people who yell the loudest often have the least amount of evidence to actually defend their claims. But due to popular misconceptions and all around laziness, people often find themselves yelling their pretty reasonable hot takes into the void that is the uncaring world.

Even if you've got the empirical evidence to back it up, if it's not something people see themselves acting on in the first place, your terrific opinion will probably go unnoticed. But if it's something that people do anyway, like slamming Q-Tips in their ears to see God, your hot take will probably find some healthy support.

Maybe these are a good reminder that no matter how minute something gets, people are still going to have a passionate opinion on it. Either that or we all just care too much and want to lecture other people.

Scavenging Family Comes For Wealthy Father's Estate, Daughter Maliciously Executes

A daughter took to the internet to share her story of how she maliciously complied to the execution of her wealthy father's estate, amid a sea of 'concerned' gaslighting, gold-digging relatives. Her primary weapon was the fact  that she had almost complete say over the execution of her father's will and the fact that she had the ability to make 'weaponized donations' in her relative's names to charities that represented the people they had wronged. Sort of like a PG 'se7en' with less heads in boxes. 

This thread was posted to Reddit's r/maliciouscompliance subreddit by the daughter, Redditor u/ThatsDrAardvarkToYou who shared the story of their devilishly clever way of dividing up their father's estate. It's a doozy of a tale that ends up being quite the read. 

There has been some debate on to Reddit as to whether or not this story belongs in r/maliciouscompliance or the various revenge subreddits. We're of the mind that it fits just fine, even though moderators removed the post for this reason not long after it started trending.  

Scroll on for screenshots of the full story and the reader's reactions.
 

32 Delectable Food Memes To Amuse That Bouche

We live in a world of infinite perspectives and endless compromises. Almost no one can even agree perfectly on the rules of the objective reality they inhabit. But if there's one thing that almost all people have to agree on, it's the notion that "food is basically good." Almost anything else is up for debate, especially the type of food that is good, the values that indicate what goodness of food actually means, and for some of us, what food actually is. But we're not here to split hairs. We don't even eat hair on purpose. We're here to laugh at funny things relating to what most of us can agree is food, or at least food adjacent.

Anyway, undo your belt buckle and take a good long sniff of these hot hot food memes. And if you're up for seconds, here are some more humorous and heinous food memes to pack that gullet.

Roommate Insists Her Father is Able to Sleep in Girl's Bed, Internet Disagrees

This roommate splits rent with the poster of the topic 50/50, the pair are university students, and the roommate is approaching her graduation. She has been trying to make plans for her family to fly out to attend the graduation but has had trouble nailing down accommodation for her father. She got the brilliant idea that she should stick her father in her roommate's room and tell her roommate to clear out for the weekend. 

It would be one thing if the poster of the topic were planning on being out of town, but it would be hard to justify having a strange man sleeping in your bed. It's even stranger still to make this demand when your roommate is still in their room!

This thread was posted to the r/AITA (Am I the A**hole) subreddit by u/notatypicaltaurus, who tells the tale of their roommate's strange demand. 

Commenters were angered and bewildered by the roommate's demand and couldn't get over how strange it was. 

Read on for the whole story and screenshots below. 

 

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Broken Elevator Deemed A Non-Priority, Employee Breaks Out Biohazard Stink-Chariot, Becomes A Priority

"Out of sight, out of mind" is a concept that can come back to bite people who make a habit out of not seeing how the sausage is made at their own job. And sometimes those powers that be who lack object permanence need a reminder that certain things actually exist.

For some weird reason, when people at the higher levels of an institution are faced with the death-scented byproducts of their own organization, they will drop everything and scramble to not have to face it again. This dude, whose job it was to dispose of hazmat in a research setting, found that the elevator in his building wasn't going to be fixed, forcing him to change his route. After a terrifically short amount of time exposing faculty to the kind of smells that could strip airplane paint, the elevator was magically operational once more.

It's unclear if these two events could possibly be connected, but one thing's for sure is that the whole episode got results. And if it sounds awful, that's not even taking into account how it smelled.

Karen Tries to Pay With Ten-Thousand Pennies, Shop Owner Makes Her Wait While They Count Every Single One

This Karen tried to hardest to execute a 'malicious compliance' of her own by paying for her repair bill entirely in pennies. She wasn't happy about anything to do with her repair and decided to make the shop pay. What she didn't count on was that the level-headed owner of the shop didn't mind at all. He was more than happy to watch her carry the pennies across the parking lot and up the stairs alllllll the way into the shop. He was also more than happy to count each and everyone while she waited. To her horror.

This thread was posted to r/MaliciousCompliance by the clever owner, u/PracticalDadAdvice. He shared his story of malicious compliance to the Karen's own malicious compliance to the popular r/maliciouscompliance subreddit. 

Commenters were overjoyed at the owner's actions and cheered on their successful act of revenge. 

Scroll on for u/PracticalDadAdvice's full story and the reactions below. 

Entitled People With Their Laughable Demands

It never ceases to amaze, all of the things people think that the world owes them. There are bosses out there who will look you in the eye and tell you that you should be grateful that you have time off, but that time off is just the time you spent not at work between yesterday and today. There are customers who will bust out paragraphs of screed against you personally for not selling them a taco for the same price that they could have bought one in 1987. There are neighbors who will take your parking space and leave a shitty note on your door complaining that your parking space isn't big enough for their car.

At least the rest of us can just sit back and agree that these kinds of people suck. Because if we couldn't do that, we'd all just go crazy. Or we'd become them ourselves out of sheer spite.

Here are some more entitled people who made everyone's day worse.

Chaotic Moments Of Failure And Misfortune

As much as we'd love to be the masters of our own destinies, sometimes stuff just sort of happens. You try your best to not park under a tree when you know that a windstorm is coming, but then your car gets infested with bees. You make sure to purchase the most effective flood insurance available, but then your house falls down a hill. We can never be too sure what kind of madness will be set upon our lives, so all we can really do is hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and take what happens in stride. Maybe we can convince ourselves that the universe is just testing us.

And then there are the days when you accidentally spill a whole plate of spaghetti in your bedsheets. These moments are fruitless and unforgivable, and they make us want to rip out our remaining hair.

For some more images of people likely having a worse day than you, here are some more unpredictable moments of failure and chaos.

Boss' Daughter Steals Employees Lunch, Has Allergic Reaction, Boss Blames Employee

This employee, who has a penchant for peanut satay sauce, discovered that their lunches were disappearing at their workplace. They made attempts to address it in the workplace but saw little result. One day, they had their proof of who was doing it. One of the new hires (who also happens to be the boss's daughter) was admitted to the hospital for anaphylaxis after "borrowing" their coworker's lunch. Effectively catching themselves red-handed. (Faced?) The problem is, because of the bizarro world this employee lives in, their coworkers are blaming them for the incident, "vilifying" them to the point where they are thinking about quitting their job.

There's something to be said here about not bringing dishes into the workplace that someone has a deathly allergy to, but it's also up to the workplace to set this safety standard and ensure that everyone's allergies are accounted for. I know people who have almost died due to accidental allergen exposure in the workplace from people's food so it's definitely no laughing matter.

At the same time, there is also a lot to be said about not stealing people's food… Especially when you have a potentially fatal food allergy. That's just signing your own death sentence. 

This thread was posted to r/AITA (Am I the A**hole) by the employee, Redditor u/Peanut_Sauce_Fiasco who wants to see whether or not they could possibly be in the wrong for having their food stolen. 

Read on for the full story and reactions. 

Idiot Neighbor Parks In Guy's Spot, He Blocks Them in Then Has Them Towed

This idiot insisted on parking in their neighbor's spot. When the owner of the spot left them a kind message, the idiot tore it up and gave them a proverbial slap in the face. Then the owner realized they would have to take a different approach…. and began orchestrating their revenge. 

This thread was posted to r/pettyrevenge by the owner of the parking space u/WILLINGLYLOST90, who had to deal with the entitlement of their trashy neighbor. They posted the thread to tell their story of the revenge that they executed on them when they refused to move their car. 

Commenters applauded the poster's actions and congratulated them on an act of well-executed revenge. They were quick to note that it was an act of kindness on the part of the poster to not just call the police right off the bat. 

Scroll on for  u/WILLINGLYLOST90's telling of their tale and the reactions below.

 

 

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30 People Share The Suckiest Tourist Destinations They've Visited

Tourism is all about hype. And while most places have god and bad parts, the draws themselves vary wildly. Some destinations are so high-priority that you end up paying 40 bucks just to wait in line for three hours. Other places are so full of people trying to make a quick buck that you could end up having a random guy lead you down an alley, tell you it's in some way significant, then extort you for your 40 bucks. Other times, the attraction itself is so small, old, or generally lacking in character that you can look at it all you want and still feel like you'll never get your 40 bucks worth.

Sure, there are tons of places that are worth visiting. And some cities with garbage attractions have other ones that make the trip worth it anyway. But just remember that Mount Rushmore and the Mona Lisa are way smaller than you think they're gonna be.

Professional Home Inspectors on TikTok Hilariously Rag on House Flippers for Their Cheap "Fixes"

"Flippers gonna flip"—pipes are duct taped together, outlets aren't even wired, roof has active leaks, and the wood is rotting…

Stepmother Demands Apology After 'Sea World' Standoff, Tells Stepdaughter She's Not a Part of "The Real Family"

When a well-informed teen made the conscious decision that she would rather not attend the family visit to Sea World her stepmother insisted and made a stand. She insinuated that the teen was being immature and throwing a 'tantrum' to make a point when it was exactly the opposite of that. The teen's father recognized his daughter's good intentions and told his wife that he couldn't take her side. This put them both on the bad end of the stepmother's rage and led to her saying some extremely unfavorable things.

This thread was posted to r/AITA (Am I the A**hole) by the father, Redditor u/spider_cj. He posted the subject to see whether or not he was in the wrong for not taking his wife's side. 

Commenters overwhelmingly decided that he was justified in siding with his daughter and supporting her decision to be conscious of how animals are treated in captivity. They further condemned the stepmother for how far she took things and noted that her attitude towards her stepdaughter was a major problem for the family.

 

Keep scrolling to see u/spider_cj's story and the reactions below. 

Religious Neighbor Keys 'Adult Fiction' Author's Car as Revenge For Her Sin

A neighborhood feud brewed after an adult fiction author's pious neighbor discovered what she did for a living. The problem escalated due to some (unwanted) attention that the author was receiving from the neighbor's husband. This sent the neighbor over the edge, and she began trespassing, threatening, and damaging her personal property.

This thread was posted to r/AITA (Am I the A**hole) by the Author, Redditor u/Interesting-Reply118. They posted the topic to see whether or not they were in the wrong for reporting their neighbor to the police and leading to them being taken to court. Their other neighbors think they took things too far by calling the cops. 

Commenters are of the complete opposite opinion and believe that the author's actions were necessary and warranted based on the neighbor's threats and the damage they had caused to the author's personal property.

See screenshots of the full text and reactions below.

80s Nostalgia To Take A Trip Down Memory Stairs

As we lope through our boring lives, sometimes we're inclined to give into the sweet, seductive allure of nostalgia. And just like other people's children, you can look at nostalgia that means something to someone else and feel absolutely nothing for it. Meanwhile the cheap plastic crap that you remember from your own childhood is elevated in your mind to a status of godhood. "They don't make popsicles the way they used to," you might say to yourself, half acknowledging that the ones you ate as a kid were inferior in every way. "I liked them better when there was a little bit of lead in them," you think. "It made us strong." It didn't, but it may have given you brain damage, so it's not surprising that you think that.

But still, we like to be reminded of a simpler time. Maybe because it gives us a sense of control. "I didn't have anything to worry about when I was playing with glow in the dark dinosaurs," you think, forgetting that you spent a lot of that time terrified that your stuffed animals would come to life and attack you, or that you would get sucked down the drain of the tub. Maybe we need to forget more. Where's that lead popsicle.

Idiot Insists On Parking In Emergency Vehicle Spot, Gets Car Crushed

Every now and then you run into someone who thinks they are above the rules of society. These individuals think they are so clever and have it all figured out when really they are just blind to how ignorant and cruel they are.

A firefighter encountered one of these individuals at the local grocery store, where their friend was general manager. The individual in question was a gentleman who felt that they were above any sort of special parking requirement. In their eyes, the emergency vehicle space a the front of the store was fair game for their entitled ass to deposit their vehicle. This would come to bite them in the aforementioned anatomy when the fire brigade needed to access the premisis.

This thread was posted to r/ProRevege by the firefighter, u/Chef-231 who tells this tale of public servant pro revenge. It's seldom that we see these individuals being brought to justice in our dailies so it's nice to see them being taken down.

Scroll on to see u/Chef-231's full story and reactions below. 

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Top Tinder Moments of the Week (May 10, 2022)

Let this week's list pull a reverse uno on your enthusiasm for the game. 

It's online dating, so some people want to get off.. and some people want to get off. Like into a relationship and off of the app. Get it? In another week of online dating madness, we have seen plenty of witty individuals who can spit some mean game with their choice of words. But is a strong helping of wit enough to make you an ideal match? We'd wager that there's a good bit more that goes into a relationship than that, but it is a start. 

We can't imagine the gal in the thumbnail image was single for long after all a professor who isn't too uptight and has a solid sense of humor is quite the catch. She seems like someone who knows how to have fun, it's just going to come down to whether or not you can abide her cats.

Scroll on for this week's selection.

 

 

30 People Share Their Worst Roommate Experiences

Your home isn't just the place that you sleep at after work. It should be a place of rest, relaxation, and enough solitude to help you gather up enough strength to go back out there and face the world. But something happens when you have a bad roommate. It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like getting home after a long day, putting the key in the door, and getting a spark of anxiety thinking "I wonder what I'm going to have to deal with now."

And there are a great deal of troubles one can deal with in a roommate. An overly passive roommate who doesn't do dishes and gets indignant when you suggest that they do them. A person with no boundaries who steals your stuff. The smelly guy. It's all part of the tapestry of stressful people to live with, and none of it is conducive to living a fulfilled, healthy, or even relaxing life. So to all the roommates out there who "have no idea why all my roommates are always so mad at me, I didn't do anything wrong," feel bad about it.

 And also you still owe me money.

For people who at least left eventually, here are some of the worst and weirdest houseguests people have experienced.

Bride Makes Plans To Have Wedding In Complete Darkness, Doesn't Get Why This Might Be A Bad Idea

There are times when we get so married to a concept that we forget about the practicality, means of execution, or how it will affect other people. This bride wants to honor her blind parents with a wedding in total darkness. For the whole wedding. And at first pass, that's a sweet thing to want to do. And then you remember that having 200 wedding guests who have not lived their lives navigating total darkness try and make up for it in one evening might not be the most stellar plan.

It's one of those things that is again, very cool in theory. But when you find yourself talking with the wedding planner about what kind of night vision goggles your caterers need to wear so that they don't spill food on your glowstick-covered father-in-law, it's time to take a step back (hopefully without bumping into a lost wedding guest) and think about if there is a way to honor your parents in a way that doesn't turn your entire event into a rave-like, unnavigable tripping hazard full of scared old people.

For some fun wedding stories, here are the most terrifically trashy wedding people attended.

Overworked Assistant Gets Independently Audited to See If Role is Required, Ends Up With 10K Raise

An overworked assistant, whose technical title was "helper," found themselves under scrutiny after an independent auditor was hired to evaluate their necessity as an employee. 

This thread was posted to r/pettyrevenge by the overworked assistant, Redditor u/Frostytoes99. 

The assistant explains in their post that they found a niche for themselves within the company by helping the technologically illiterate members of the organization with simple technological tasks. They estimated that they saved 15 hours of work every day on top of the value that they produced in their own work.

One day, a mysterious individual appeared at the office. Some sleuthing revealed that this person had been hired to see whether or not the assistant's position was necessary. After facing their vulgar behavior, the assistant decided to make moves. They took unscheduled leave on a Friday and decided to leave the company in disarray. 

By Monday, they were receiving phone calls; their boss was begging them to come back by Wednesday. 

The auditor was gone, and they received a 10k bonus for their contributions. 

Scroll on for screenshots of the full story and reactions below.

Mild Vandalism That Made The World A More Interesting Place

We can't exactly tell people to go out and write clever and stupid things on signs, but it does just kind of have a way of happening. It's inevitable, like gravity. These vandals slip in and out of the night, unseen by the public. They're seekers of their own kind of justice. Like batman, but with a sharpie instead of billions of dollars worth of assets to spend on crime-fighting. 

 It's hard to look at the words "public canal zone" without thinking about the terrifically fine ways one could simply scratch out a few letters and turn a regular sign into some magic. And sometimes one or two small changes, a post-it, or a well placed googly eye is all it takes. We're bored of walking around life and not seeing jokes on stuff, so the more quips get sprinkled into our dull, useless lives the better.

For the sign-hungry, here are some funny signs from this weird world.

Family Demands Sibling Give Money to Habitually Pregnant Sister, Threaten With Disownment

This family has grown used to using this sibling as a cash grab to subsidize their habitually pregnant sister's existence. The sister, of course, is the pride of the family due to her penchant for popping out little grand-babies for their fawning parents. 

This thread was posted to r/AITA (Am I the Asshole) by the sibling u/Pale_Arachnid_8452 who shared this story to the popular subreddit to see whether or not they were in the wrong for not wanting to give any more money to their pregnant sister. 

The family insists that the sibling should help by lending money to their sister since they are the "older" sibling (by 2 years.) The sibling is adamant that they should not have to lend any more money to their sister which has drawn the ire of the family. 

Commenters have, largely, taken the side of the sibling, telling them that they should give no more money to their family and should even cut the family off.

Scroll on for screenshots of the full story and reactions.

People Standing In New And Intriguing Ways

It's honestly a shame that we're given only a basic 3 poses of "laying down, sort of crouching, and standing." Like what is this, Call of Duty? These pioneers of posture are bringing new shapes to the field of standing. Who knew you could just put your knee up on stuff like that? Is there a good reason why it's unusual to pop down into a super deep squat while waiting for the bus? We can think of about four good reasons not to, but who's to stop you?

Maybe if there's one lesson to be learned from these, it's that if you invent a new form of sitting or standing, and you're in public, it's legal for someone to take a picture of it and put it on the internet. But at least it's a better reason than how a lot of other people find themselves on here. So straighten that back out, push out your keister like you're hiding eggs for Easter, and look at all these interesting positions people found themselves in.

Car Karen Tries to Use Shoulder to Skip Traffic, Crashes Into Convenient Cop

This Karen thought that she could use the shoulder to skip a queue of traffic on the motorway but when a semi-driver decided that he was going to have none of that and intervened he caused her to crash into a conveniently placed police cruiser. 

This thread was posted to r/MaliciousCompliance by the Semi driver, Redditor u/fmintar1. They shared this story to the popular subreddit to share how they got one up on this queue-dodging cretin.

The types of people that do things like this are the absolute worst and they are a plague on society. They think they are clever for using "tricks" that no one else is using. The thing they are too stupid to realize is that literally everyone else has thought of those things but have not utilized them out of respect for their fellow human and in order to abide by the rules and ethics that make up the backbone of society. The types of people who dodge queues in traffic or at the shop are too stupid and cruel to make this cognitive connection and subsist by being parasites of the good nature of others. 

 The commenters have made some good points here… At no point should you do what this driver has done. You have NO idea why that particular person is rushing up the shoulder. 95% of the time they could just be a total tool-bag but they could be having a medical emergency or desperately trying to reach a loved one before they pass on. 

Read on for screenshots of u/fmintar1's story and the reactions below.