Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Tumblr Thread: Intergalactic Adventures Of Weaponized Roomba


Every now and again the wonderful, wandering minds of the strange Tumblr world band together to dream up elaborate, imaginative gems. In this case, we have a seriously badass, space exploring, weaponized Roomba named Stabby. It sounds like Stabby pretty much needs their own TV show at this point. Check out some more gold from Tumblr with this thread where Tumblr users trade unconfirmed facts about soda and carrier pigeons. 

1.

Text - humans-are-seriously-weird E space-australians Follow sepulchritude Follow on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer" species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

2.

Text - it doesn't have any special intelligence. it's just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don't have knives. it's just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds. "what is the point?" asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding rob

3.

Text - "does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?" "I mean I guess so but that's more of a side effect." "does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?" "it doesn't stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that 59 sounds cool – someone write that down." "but then what is its purpose?" "I don't know," the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. "it j

4.

Text - aethersea Follow this is the dumbest idea I've ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet

5.

Text - also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the ship's log, he'd have little painted-or insignia, people would salute him as h by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone. Csomethingninga Omg so the ting I typed up might actually happen this is gold

6.

Text - petralemaitre Follow I am suddenly astonished that Stabby isn't Farscape canon. 1812 was weird enough. dearthoughthenightisgone Follow Tre Stabby's little charging dock would start accruing cuddly toys and commemorative holo-vids of Stabby's greatest stabs. insignia would start off at a fairly low rank, but soon, without anyone every discussing it, everyone would know that Stabby got to take the rank of the highest ranking crew member it stabbed. The ceremony for Flag Admiral Stabby was b

7.

Text - jumpingjacktrash Follow why am i proud of stabby this is irrational bisected8 INCIDENT LOG: 46-7-2 Action #45437: Desc: Covert enemy boarding attempt Details: Six (6) members of a Mercenary/ Pirate crew of little renown attempted to infiltrate ship in order to steal equipme and/or personnel.

8.

Text - Prior to being detained they had remained undetected for eight (8) hours and accumulated several high value materials (see attached log), and incapacitated and restrained several crewmen (see attached log) in dock #3, with the intention of using a life boat to exfiltrate. Just prior to their would-be escape, the boarding party encountered the ship's mascot. A cleaning unit which had been modified by crew members to mount a traditional Terran melee weapon, as well as an officer's insignia

9.

Text - finish (highly toxic to their species) on the handle, and dropped it in a panic. As the unit's anti-impact sensors had been disabled, it immediately tried to right itself on landing. This caused it to flip over and slash the third knee of the boarder who dropped it, prompting the rest of the boarders to flee. In doing so, they tripped over a waste container, causing the unit to "chase" them, as it collected the trail of dust they left.

10.

Text - The security crew were alerted to the boarding party's presence by an entry on "Sargent Stabby's Hit List" - an account on an intership microblogging site which automatically logs any injuries caused by the cleaning unit in question - and quickly intercepted them. Casualties: Four (4) crewmen treated fr minor lacerations sustained after detainig boarding party, one (1) captured crewman treated for negative reaction to sedatives used by captors.

11.

Text - Belligerent status: Two (2) members of the enemy boarding party remain in stable condition in sickbay. Three (3) remaining surrendered peacefully and remain in the brig. One (1) refuses to leave the safety of a storage cupboard he went to ground in. Recommendations/Actions: All captured guards to undergo debriefing and possible disciplinary action for breaches of security protocol. Remind all crew members to report missing colleagues immediately. Retain a guard outside cleaning storage ro

12.

Text - Cleaning unit D4.87 AKA “Sargent Stabby" has been promoted to Quartermaster, and is now considered the superior officer of all autonomous drones on the ship. All Class #1 drones have been programmed to salute their superior with their effector, should it enter the room while they're active. theotheristhedoctor Follow Ok but what about that final bit - all the other space roombas respectfully standing to the side and saluting when Quatermaster Stabby comes past?

13.

Text - flyingwerecats Follow Quartermaster Stabby goes on to have many more adventures and many mo promotions.

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