Thursday, January 28, 2021

Relatable, Hilarious, And Totally Random Marriage Tweets


This boatload of marriage tweets is sure to resonate with many married folks out there. The experience of marriage is one that can test you to the depths of your very soul, and what you can ultimately put up with for the one you love. Oftentimes those adorable little quirks and strange mannerisms that might've swept you off your feet for your loved one can end up being the very thing that grinds your gears like none other, years later. All in all though, it sounds like marriage is nothing short of a hilarious journey. 

1.

Font - Charles Demers Follow @charliedemers My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. 2:02 AM - 16 Jan 2016 6 17 3,246 6,388

2.

Rectangle - Rob Follow @rockymomax [rolls over in bed and whispers to wife] "I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today" 11:28 PM - 16 Feb 2016 6 17 128 V 252

3.

Font - Goats? Follow @Gooooats Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies. 12:53 AM - 23 Jan 2016 6 17 295 V 565

4.

Font - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring. 10:00 PM - 20 Jan 2016 6 13 109 V 385

5.

Font - Laur_ren @londonsma Follow Wife: Running low on clean underwear. Does laundry. Husband: Running low on clean underwear. Buys new underwear. #MarriedPeoplelssues 3:43 AM - 9 Jan 2016 6 17 8 ♥ 27

6.

Font - ReeseButCallMeV Follow @ReeseButCallMeV *breaks toaster* *calls husband* "So. When did you break the toaster?!" 8:23 PM - 21 Jan 2016 6 17 318 V 536

7.

Rectangle - Ashley Austrew Follow @ashleyaustrew Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later. 12:43 AM - 23 Jan 2016 6 17 75 v 219

8.

Rectangle - Victor Pope Jr Follow @VictorPopejr Minister: And now your wedding vows Groom: A E IOU Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously? Groom: sometimes....why? 6:46 PM - 27 Jan 2016 · Arlington, TX 6 17 1,825 V 3,573

9.

Rectangle - Sammy Rhodes @sammyrhodes Follow 99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse. 10:37 PM - 30 Jan 2016 6 17 88 V 283

10.

Rectangle - Josh Hara Follow @yoyoha Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things. 6:01 PM - 10 Feb 2016 6 13 232 V 529

11.

Rectangle - Ange Cavanagh Follow @ange_spange For Valentine's Day my husband cleaned out the fridge and I literally could not be happier, if you're wondering what marriage is like. 9:24 PM 14 Feb 2016 6 17 V 3

12.

Rectangle - Bethany Jett Follow @BetJett Your husband shouldn't stop dating you when you get married, and you shouldn't stop getting ready for the date. #marriagelife 4:00 AM - 9 Jan 2016 6 17 2 V 8

13.

Rectangle - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie me *starts head banging during Bohemian Rhapsody* wife: You just missed our exit 6:10 PM - 18 Feb 2016 6 13 431 V 807

14.

Rectangle - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong. 12:31 AM - 22 Feb 2016 6 17 1,070 V 3,046

15.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: You pick dinner. Me: Pizza. Wife: No. Me: Tacos. Wife: No. Me: Subs. Wife: No. Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Wife: It's up to you. 7:27 PM - 22 Feb 2016 6 17 2,465 4,978

16.

Rectangle - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie *pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos? 5:21 PM - 24 Feb 2016 6 17 3,277 ♥5,301

17.

Font - Grant Tanaka Follow @GrantTanaka Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain] 11:06 PM - 6 Mar 2016 6 17 2,780 4,736

18.

Font - Mme Mumsie Follow @MUMSIEesq My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him "A LOT more toilet paper," so yeah, the romance ain't dead people. 12:42 PM - 8 Mar 2016 6 17 323 V 679

19.

Font - Peace (meh) on Earth @TheAlexNevil Follow The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too. 12:53 AM - 12 Apr 2016 6 17 230 V 421

20.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Me: Time for breakfast. 5-year-old: Wow, Dad, you didn't burn it as much as usual. Her current passive aggressiveness level is wife. 11:54 AM - 15 Apr 2016 6 17 2,176 9,389

21.

Font - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland My wife & I are pretty sure if we make coffee, we can stay awake to watch a movie after 9 PM. So yeah, l'd say we keep it lit. 1:41 AM - 16 Apr 2016 6 17 84 V 287

22.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You're frozen. Me: I don't have time to play right now Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. I'm frozen. 7:35 PM - 22 Apr 2016 6 17 3,859 V 11,431

23.

Rectangle - Sarcastic Mommy Follow @sarcasticmommy4 Marriage is saying you're not mad but he says you sound like you're mad & by the end of it all you end up being mad. 10:00 PM - 22 Apr 2016 6 17 174 V 288

24.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: Yes. Wife: Did you give them a bath TODAY? Damn. She knows about that loophole. 1:44 PM - 30 Apr 2016 6 17 1,575 V 7,359

25.

Font - beth loves cake, so Follow @bourgeoisalien Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough. 1:01 AM - 3 May 2016 6 17 198 V 456

26.

Font - Downtime Dad Follow @DowntimeDad That moment when you turn a corner and scare the hell out of each other and then you both get mad like it was on purpose. - Marriage 11:18 AM - 6 May 2016 6 17 45 V 102

27.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down. Me: No need. I'll remember. [an hour later] Wife: What did you buy? Me: A panda. 8:39 PM - 6 May 2016 6 17 2,361 V 7,508

28.

Font - Just Bill @WilliamAder Follow If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used. 7:19 PM - 7 May 2016 6 17 131 V 294

29.

Rectangle - Zack Follow @Mr_Kapowski "I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now" - Marriage 12:21 AM - 10 May 2016 6 17 512 V 770

30.

Rectangle - Sarcastic Mommy Follow @sarcasticmommy4 Most of your time being married is spent saying, "I never heard you say that." 5:20 PM - 11 May 2016 6 17 254 V 444

31.

Font - lan Mendes Follow @ian_mendes Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out. 3:19 PM - 20 May 2016 6 17 339 V 645

32.

Rectangle - mark Follow @TheCatWhisprer NEWLYWED: let's share everything VETERAN SPOUSE: your knee was on my side of the bed last night 8:31 PM - 20 May 2016 6 17 58 V 146

33.

Font - mark Follow @TheCatWhisprer Marriage is about finding that special someone to disagree with about the room temperature until you die. 12:03 PM - 21 May 2016 6 17 294 V 509

34.

Font - eric Follow @ericsshadow THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise 8:23 PM - 23 May 2016 6 17 288 V 519

35.

Font - Today Wednesday. May 25, 2016 O 11:37 AM G map to forests with wolves - Google Search www.google.com O O 11:37 AM G wolf saddle - Google Search www.google.com O 11:37 AM G can i ride a wolf - Google Search www.google.com D O 11:36 AM G wolf net? - Google Search www.google.com O O 11:36 AM G wolf catching device Google Search www.google.com 11:36 AM G how can i be faster Google Search www.google.com 11:36 AM G how fast am i - Google Search www.google.com D 11:36 AM G how fast are wolves -

36.

Rectangle - eric Follow @ericsshadow My wife is finally coming home from her week long trip, so you know what l'm getting tonight... yelled at. I'm gonna get yelled at. 4:57 PM - 3 Jun 2016 6 17 2,401 V 3,285

37.

Rectangle - UsUL(s) Follow @3sunzzz I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday. 9:08 PM - 6 Jun 2016 6 17 226 V 462

38.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine Me: I already have one of those. It's called a w- Wife: *death glare* Me: It's called me 10:54 PM - 6 Jun 2016 6 17 2,159 v 6,904

39.

Font - Kalvin Follow @KalvinMacleod WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous МE: ok [later] ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by* 1:49 PM - 14 Jun 2016 6 17 269 V 625

40.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Me: *wins a Pokemon battle* This is my greatest accomplishment. Wife: Uh, you have four kids. Me: You're right. I should tell them I won. 8:15 PM - 12 Jul 2016 6 17 2,183 8,197

41.

Font - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland You think your marriage is pretty strong until you are packing the car for vacation and your wife has suggestions on where to put things. 12:54 PM - 24 Jul 2016 6 13 194 V 486

42.

Font - Josh @iwearaonesie Follow wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud] me: No I didn't 4:15 PM - 25 Jul 2016 6 17 622 V 1,252

43.

Rectangle - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together. 5:34 PM - 30 Jul 2016 6 17 382 V 870

44.

Rectangle - Housy Wife @wife_housy Follow My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book l'm reading in bed. 3:43 AM - 6 Aug 2016 6 13 169 V 391

45.

Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics. Just kidding. We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet раper. 3:55 AM - 6 Aug 2016 6 17 590 V 4,919

46.

Font - Lurkin' Mom Follow @LurkAtHomeMom *ignores husband for the entirety of our dinner date so I can write him the perfect happy birthday post on FB* 7:36 PM - 9 Aug 2016 6 17 69 V 213

47.

Font - Floyd @dafloydsta Follow WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen 4:06 PM - 17 Aug 2016 6 17 3,164 V 5,175

48.

Font - mark Follow @TheCatWhisprer WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why? 3:28 AM - 16 Nov 2016 6 17 390 V 905

49.

Rectangle - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie *wife wonders where I am* *hears every musical snowman in the store start singing* *knows where I am* 11:45 PM - 28 Nov 2016 6 17 713 V 1,633

50.

Font - Jeff Follow @usermcuserface Wife: why are you breathing like that? Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live. 2:10 PM - 29 Nov 2016 6 17 373 V 605

51.

Rectangle - eric Follow @ericsshadow ME: I had salmon for lunch. WIFE: the Lis silent. ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch. 9:53 PM 3 Dec 2016 6 13 768 V 1,338

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