Sunday, January 17, 2021

Funny, Sparkling Gems from Scottish Twitter


If there's one Twitter phenomenon we'd all wish to emulate, it'd be the hard hitting, patter-driven, jargon-slinging denizens of Scottish Twitter. Upon first viewing, some of the language doesn't seem all that decipherable. But then you start to get it, and after that you start to need it. Nothing but praise for these gems of Scottish Twitter.

1.

Text - Dayna McAlpine @daynamcalpine_ my friend only shaves if she knows she's 100% going to be having sex bc 'there's no point peeling a tattie if yer no going to mash it' 11:04 - 17/02/2020 from Edinburgh, Scotland · Twitter for iPhone 25 Retweets 229 Likes

2.

Text - Philip Larkin @philiplarkin Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting F K ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL 12:11 PM 24 Feb 18 16.3K Retweets 43.1K Likes >

3.

Text - BENYID @bernardmeechan1 Arguing with carly over how to cook steaks, i says "aye well ive watched plenty of videos on youtube. Her reply, "aye well youve watched hunners of porn tae n you canny do that right either"

4.

Text - moth dad @innesmck fk whatever s te currency yous have got, new scottish notes have OTTERS on them Ten Pounds Royal Bank of Srotland > $10 Stering

5.

Text - Harlot @sharpbyname8 Told my dad I had a missus yesterday and it went Me-dad am with someone. Da- right is he local? M- am with a girl D- sound is she local?

6.

Text - Ross Sayers @Sayers33 A year ago my girlfriend lost her favourite neck- lace. She was running for a taxi & it snapped & went down a drain. Little did she know I con- tacted the council & asked them to search the drain. So...this Xmas I presented her a Topshop voucher cause the Council told me to f k off. 22:09 26 Dec 19 Twitter for Android

7.

Bagpipes - What people think Scotland is like vs what it's actually like walkin ma dog this morning and seen a junkie hangin from a lamppost

8.

Text - Lydia @LydiaMizon Coworker's 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King. Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep. day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

9.

Text - Daniel Roan. @DRoantree More good election news; Someone in Scotland wrote "WANK" beside every party on their ballot, other than the Green Party, beside which was written "not wank". According to Scottish Law that indicates "Clear preference" and the vote got counted hahahahaha 10:35 · 27 May 19 Twitter for iPhone

10.

Sleeve - Сecil Teapot @cecilteaspoon TRIPTHETIT I like Scottish clothes shops,they let you see how good you look crawling home pished.

11.

Text - cat @catstewartt Ma hamster has to lose its eye n John sent me this :))) Her eye is fully shut now 11:33 am I think she won't be able to use that eye again 11:33 am / :( 11:35 am .( 11:35 am

12.

Text - Text - Pie and Bovril pie ovril @pieandbov We are all going to survive the Corona virus then die overdoing the celebrations once it's over. It's the Scottish way.

13.

Text - Text - Regular Frog @FrogCroakley Follow *scientist cradles scotch egg in hands* *a tiny fist breaks through the crumbs; a scotsman hatches* *Jurassic park theme swells on bagpipes* RETWEETS FAVORITES 1,289 1,323 3:39 AM - 29 Jun 2015 ...

14.

Text - Text - TheFatConsoler ... @TheFatConsol3R My son is terrified of the Loch Ness Monster rn. Absolutely terrified. Keeps asking me questions about it, can it get out of the loch, is the loch far away etc. No idea where he even heard about it. I told him it can drive and could be in our town in about 20mins. Eats wee boys.

15.

Text - Text - Perry Sloan @SloanPerry when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom

16.

Text - Wood - COVID SCREENS FOR KIDS IN GLENROTHES WHEN THEY GO BACK TO SCHOOL... POOR FI ERS WILL THINK THEY ARE VISITING THEIR DAD

17.

Text - Electric blue - Ross Whiteheeeed @_rosswhitehead Still canny believe the queen won that marathon, wee lightning mcqueen

18.

Text - Property - Catherine @talonofthehawk Canny stop thinking about the time ma da hung up a onesie to dry and it looked like ma maw had topped herself

19.

Text - Text - Fern Brady @FernBrady Follow A little girl just blew a raspberry at me for checking out her fit dad & honestly it's the most offended I've been in YEARS. Gonna shag yer dad ya wee cow. 5:50 PM - 13 Nov 2018 14 Retweets 184 Likes 5 t7 14 184

20.

Text - Text - Dayna McAlpine @daynamcalpine_ my pals think living in scotland is all beautiful rolling hills and friendly patter when in reality it's a junkie shouting 'ye goin for a s te hen?' at me because i'm carrying a 16 roll pack of toilet roll

21.

Text - Text - Calum Paton @calum_paton lassie ID'd me at tesco and said "is this you or your twin brother" if he was ma twin he'd be the same age as me ya badger

22.

Text - Adaptation - Scottish people, you're a gift to the Earth. yer Maw was an IMMIGRANT ye Nu9get II -4 mins SAMSONE 1:44 PM - 14 Jul 2018

23.

Text - Text - joe heenan @joeheenan I'm on a bus in Glasgow & there's 2 young guys sat in the seats in front of me. One of them just said "If that Coronavirus comes here I'Il kick it's fin' ct in" Amazing 13:32 · 27/02/2020 · Twitter for Android 392 Retweets 3,451 Likes

24.

Text - Text - Thomas Dolatowski @tom_dolatowski Weird how u get aw these racism issues in America and then u have Scotland where no one actual gives a f k what raceu are as long as ur no a goth 22/05/2018, 13:03 2,126 Retweets 9,781 Likes

25.

Lip - Witnesses said they saw her hoovering up the remains. Woman accused of snorting a dead mum's ashes at house party mirror.co.uk Like Comment Share Kirsty RoseRed Hewkin and 285 others like this. Liam MacGregor How much she snort?! Half a gran? Write a comment... Post

26.

Text - Aidn @_AM63_ Smith took acid last night and two burds were talking Gaelic and no Cunt telt smithn he just thought he couldn't understand English anymore and sat fried tryin no to cry

27.

Text - rosie @rosiemudie Called a weird French b h out for being a wee cow on my photo and she's threatened tae come to Scotland and beat me up omg je suis sh ting my pantalons x

28.

Text - Anne Thériault @anne_theriault Scotland, man. They don't fk around. This urinal is dedicated to three men who participated in the Scottish Highland Clearances. These men took part in what is now recognised as a form of Central Government endorsed ethnic cleansing. Through their greed and bigotry, they and others have been instrumental in destroying a centuries old Scottish Highland way of life. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PAY THEM THE RESPECT THEY ARE DUE >

Submitted by:

Posted by at
Labels:

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)