Thursday, September 3, 2020

Tumblr Thread: The Greatest Burrito Rant In The World


We're throwing it back to this oldie goldie, where a dude unleashed total rage on the state of his burrito. Some people can get themselves worked up over just about anything. When it comes to the very serious nature of the quality of a burrito, we have to say that we get it. It is no laughing matter. And seriously, people eat burritos with forks? Nope. Please, nope. For more gold from Tumblr check out this Tumblr thread about the universal language of public transportation.

1.

Food group - BEANS CHEESE GUACAMOLE I MEAT RKE SOUR CREAM LETTUCE CILAUTRO SALSA Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Lucky Shirt in Comedy Corner Intruding Have you ever been to earth?

2.

Text - On earth, we use the word “burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I'm surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do

3.

Text - Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito's end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredi- ents in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have yo

4.

Text - When you eat a burrito, you don't stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can't usually dislocate their jaws, and l'm not a fucking pelican. But you must think that's how it's done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can't guess anything, because l'm pretty sure you're just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a

5.

Text - Humans also don't eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But todayI wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I'LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope.

6.

Text - My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT'S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I'M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT T HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA РОСКЕТ. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

7.

Text - And don't even fucking think I'm about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT'S HOWI DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOK- ING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT'S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What's that? I should ask you to mix it up next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON'T first WANT TO DRINK

8.

Text - A fucking fork? I DIDN'T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That's like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the e

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