Sunday, July 5, 2020

Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Marriage


These tweets will either convince you that you actually want to get married, or talk you out of the process altogether. 

1.

Text - David Hughes Follow @david8hughes Me: the book is so much better Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes

2.

Text - Myrrh Follow Gixix82 The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.

3.

Text - Jessica Valenti Follow @JessicaValenti I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.

4.

Text - Kate Sidley Follow @sidleykate Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

5.

Text - Wendy Follow @_wendyb07 Husband: you walk really loud. Anyway, marriage is fun.

6.

Text - mama770 Follow @deegeemindi I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit. Current count:23

7.

Text - James Breakwell O Follow eXplodingUnicorn Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken. Me: So it's a can't opener? Wife: I can't believe I married you.

8.

Text - Lurkin' Mom Follow @LurkAtHomeMom Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35

9.

Text - Walking Outside Follow @WalkingOutside Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".

10.

Text - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland [Me, on my deathbed] Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?

11.

Text - Chad Read Follow @squirrel74wkgn *tosses bath towel on hotel floor* [text from wife at home] "Pick that up."

12.

Text - Punchyk Follow @AnkCoupleTO Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion? Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?

13.

Text - not the WORST mom Follow @nottheworstmom *RSVP'ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

14.

Text - Donna McCoy Follow @Donna_McCoy Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

15.

Text - The Cre Master Follow @Jmboyd58 *wife runs back into our house which is on fire* What are you doing!? W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

16.

Text - Jersey Follow @better_off_dad Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.

17.

Text - Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. Follow @Home_Halfway WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

18.

Text - Abe Yospe Follow @Cheeseboy22 My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

19.

Text - Dumb Beezie Follow @dumbbeezie Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

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