Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Dad Jokes That Go Father Than Ever Before


When a dad opens his mouth, it's unclear if whatever comes out is gonna be pure gold, or just the dumbest thing you've ever heard. Dad jokes run the gamut of stupid to great, and they run it hard. If these devastating dad jokes are even a little bit of an indication what a dad joke can be, we're in for a rollercoaster of dadness.

1.

Human leg - BOYS, IF YOUR GIRLLOOKS LIKE THIS AY SHE'SAKEEPER

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Bottle - LIQUOR STORE ASSISTANT: HEY, DO YOU NEED HELP? NONEY ME: YES, BUT I DECIDED TO COME HERE INSTEAD.

3.

Motor vehicle - TER6982 BE PaTien t I'M PUshing As fastas I Can

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Blue - BREAKING NEWS Local man addicted to brake fluid says he can stop anytime he wants.... made with mematic

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Organism - IF THE EARTH WAS FLAT CATS WOULD HAVE PUSHED EVERYTHING OFF IT BY NOW

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Clothing - She took forever at the cash point, I wonder if her bank account has been Frozen Free cash withdrawals Free cash wit

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Face - I NAMED MY IPHONE THE TITANIC. IT'S SYNCING NOW. imgfip.com

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Watercraft - odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey. sailor: [raising hand] what's an odyssey? odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor. sailor: oh ok wait what.

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Text - Singing in the shower is all fun and games util you get shampoo in your mouth. Then, it becomes a soap opera.

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Text - What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing. They just waved. Sea what I did there? I'm shore you did.

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Cheek - I'D LIKE TO THANK MY LEGS, FOR SUPPORTING ME Cen Wat d hm MY ARMS, FOR ALWAYS BEIN BY MY SIDE. AND MY FINGERS.I COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON THEM

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Motorcycle - It's got a wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels, and a wooden gas tank. Did he ride it? No, wooden start... RENE HOULE

13.

Sleeve - I had a happy childhood. My Dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears... .... @ Star Trek Singles

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Yellow - Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Text - Tonce gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, "Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!"

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Wrinkle - Once I became a parent I finally understood the scene where Yoda gets so tired of answering Luke's questions he just dies.

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Ear - Science fact: it is impossible for a man to use a stud finder without first scanning himself with it and stating to the room 'found one'

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Blue - BREATHTAKING . VIEW OF THE MILKY WAY HilkyWay Mars SEEN FROM MARS

19.

Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests soI put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

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Yellow - Bloke: "What do you do for a living?" Me: "I'm a spy." Bloke: "Why are you dressed as a shepherd?" Me: "I'm a shepherd spy."

21.

Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it's terminal.

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Terrible Owner Fires Employee, Refuses To Claim Website Domain, Revenge Ensues


There's nothin we love more than to see an employee who got terminated go on to use their skills to take a truly masterful revenge. It sounds like this owner was all kinds of stubborn and incompetent, and really had it coming all along. Suffice to say, this one's a definite win for the old employee. Check out another glorious pro revenge tale with this military IT guy who got back at some meathead mercenaries. 

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Text - r/ProRevenge u/Distorshen • 8h Join 1 3 3 5 E 2 Huge Revenge on an Awful Boss That Fired Me During the Pandemic. 2020 was an awful year for me. Among many other things, I was fired by the place I worked at for over 3 years. It was not a nice, fancy job by any means. I was just a store manager at a small business that was still run like a mom and pop shop despite the owner not living close enough for it to truly be mom and pop run. To compensate for not being able to be in each store every

2.

Text - owner which created a lot of miscommunication issues within the company. Every manager was having to deal with this, but it was a bit tougher for locations like mine because we were slower, so the owner didn't care about our store as much unless they were pissed. They didn't have to be pissed at me, but if I was next on the phone, I was absolutely screwed. I could outperform our goal and it still wasn't good enough, not an exaggeration as it happened many times. It had been this way forev

3.

Text - The owner, during the pandemic, was constantly bragging about how the business was doing even better actually this past year than any other, but then a week after their latest brag, they informed me that I would be taking a pay cut to match the other store managers for the week I had just worked (illegal to cut my pay after I have already worked it) and going forward. Naturally, I asked why as I created their website/online store and was doing all website work for them which is what lead

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Text - They got frustrated and said, "why are you arguing with me?! You will get paid the same as other managers." I, frustratedly, said, "fine, but I am not doing the website if l'm not getting paid for it." After this, the owner got pissed and long story short, fired me. My financial security went out the window and I was panicking to make it through and barely did. Until these past few weeks, I had only $30 to my name outside of money for rent and I was barely scraping by because of groceries

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Text - Fast forward to when this happened, I get another email reminding me that the domain name that the owner purchased expires today and that if I want to keep it, I have to pay. Now, let me clear something up before I go forward, I transferred EVERYTHING to them when I was fired, I left trying to hold my dignity and did not make a scene. I sent every piece of info to them over email, recommended they change all passwords after my departure, and tried to send over the domain ownership to thei

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Text - The owner has been paying for this domain with their card, but on my account forwarding the traffic to their host. Well, their card expired and could not auto-renew their domain name for 2021. Until now, I decided I would never mess with it, but now that it's back to being available for purchase to the public, my friends and I bought it together for a good laugh and a big middle finger to the up-and-coming business. Well after a few drinks and a late night, I made the worst website that i

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Text - The DNS traffic stopped forwarding to their host when I woke up the next day and now points to my abomination of a website and they still have yet to notice (it's still on all their social media). If my guess is correct, they won't find out until a distributor points it out to them (they check our website frequently to make sure it is quality else they don't want their products sold on the website and may stop selling to the company). TLDR: Owner of company fires me and refuses to take ow

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Professor Insists On Lengthy Essay Being On One Page, Students Comply


Well, that professor got exactly what they asked for. Sometimes, as a student you encounter a teacher who seems to carry on in such a way that indicates they're the one who ultimately needs to be schooled. Fortunately, these students had their wits about them, and happily, maliciously complied. Can't imagine that the teacher was too stoked about the outcome. 

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Blue - r/MaliciousCompliance + Join u/Lunatic976 · 5d 10 3 6 3 4 8 3 1 "I need your long essay on a SINGLE page." - Yes, ma'am. M When I was a college sophomore, we had this professor, Mrs. Wang, in Religion Studies who would act like her subject should be our top priority. Although we came from different majors, Religion Studies is just a filler subject needed for students in this Catholic college.

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Text - She wanted us to come every meeting because attendance is a part of her grade (which was fine by me). But she would give us too many research assignments for so little time. This class is a T-TH one. So if she gives us three research assignments on Tuesday, the outputs are expected to be submitted on Thursday same week. This started a problem on all of us since we also have a lot of things to do from major subjects. But it would be a hassle to faila subject like this. Retaking a major sub

3.

Text - A classmate of mine, Nathan, asked Mrs. Wang about the single-page thing. Nathan asked if we could submit multiple pages of the essay to accomodate the 4000- word essay she was asking us. "You are all stubborn. 4000-word essay in a single page. That simple." Mrs. Wang was already in her early-60s that time so I don't think she had an idea of what a compressed 4000-word in a single page would look like when printed. In every subject, we have a FB group for announcements, discussions betwee

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Text - The night before the submission, we were having a problem with our outputs. Some classmates who were done with the essay tried to print their outputs. The font was too small, even though the margin was already adjusted. Here comes the malicious compliance. Nathan, who was still a little pissed about the whole situation, posted a status on our group. "Let's give her what she wants. 4000 words in a single page." The comments were blowing up. Some commented they were thinking of the same and

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Text - The next day, we were all excited about our plan. One by one, we placed our papers on her table. As she was scanning on some papers, she went ballistic. "Why are the words in these too small?!" Nathan raised his hand, "Ma'am you were clear about a 4000-word essay on a single page. That's what it looks like." Mrs. Wang couldn't contain her anger. She realized she was wrong. Instead of apologizing, she just told us to reprint our outputs and submit them on Tuesday next week. We all agreed.

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Manager Tells Pregnant Employee To Stop Slacking


This is one of those instances when the person involved and the question their asking is so far out of left field that it's genuinely hard to believe that they are in fact a real person. Like, dude. You really have the audacity to give a pregnant woman grief over her energy levels? The fact that they're asking folks on Reddit's AITA section whether or not they're in the wrong should've already been an indication that they'd misplaced their moral compass. 

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Text - 1 2 1 A1 8 1 6 AITA for telling an employee that pregnancy is not an excuse for low productivity? Asshole I work in an office (due to the nature of our work and our employer, we are not working remotely right now) where I supervise a team of three people. The end of the year is our crunch time, and it means that my entire team is putting in more hours than normal and everyone is expected to answer their phones and emails pretty much round the clock (Christmas excepted, of course).

2.

Text - Most of my team is doing great, except for one woman I'll call Cara. Cara told me two weeks ago that she is pregnant, and she is about 10 weeks along. The only reason she told me in the first place was because I had to write her up for not being as available as she needed to be. She was calling in sick at least once a week for the past four weeks, and when she was at the office she was not 100% focused on her work. She explained that she has severe morning sickness, and that she has been

3.

Text - This all seemed perfectly reasonable to me, as long as she held up her part of the bargain and maintained her productivity during this stressful time. Well, she has not. She has called out sick once already since then, and she has not made herself available for calls during off hours. My other staff is staying at the office until 8 or 9 in the evening, but Cara is out by 6 and apparently goes straight to sleep when she gets home and keeps her phone muted during that time. We have had to s

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Text - I sat her down yesterday and relayed my concerns. She acknowledged how her lack of productivity has hurt the rest of the staff, but claimed that she is physically struggling a great deal. I told her that was no excuse, because she is only in her first trimester and barely even pregnant yet. I also questioned whether it was fair to other women that she was using a normal bodily function as an excuse for low productivity--this is what women fought to counteract during the feminist movement.

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Text - TheWaystone • 4d • Asshole Aficionado [12] 3 Awards YTA if this is even remotely true, HR needs to fire you. 4.3k ...

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Text - Leolover812 · 4d · Partassipant [2] 1 Award YTA. This must be a joke right? Please tell me this is a terrible joke. No no no no. The first trimester of pregnancy is incredibly taxing on a woman. Her sleeping immediately going home is probably exactly what is happening. She is exerting more energy and burning more calories growing a human than you do during any workout. Hyperemesis gravidarum is a true condition. Morning sickness is just a saying. Women really are sick all day. Some more t

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Text - SharpBlackberry3 • 4d S 2 Awards YTA. Bonus AH points for the mansplaination of the feminist movement. 2.4k ...

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Text - f1shandwhistle · 4d · Partassipant [3] 2 Awards YTA - your wife is right, you have no effing clue what you're talking about. People like you are why we have to have anti-discrimination laws. I hope this is a troll. 8.7k ...

9.

Text - B4pangea · 4d · Certified Proctologist [28] 3 Awards Hard YTΑ. Pregnant. Women. Aren't. Making. This. Shit. Up. Stop thinking/acting/treating them like they are. 3.7k ...

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Text - thiswasyouridea · 4d · Pooperintendant [65] YTA First of all, if employees are not paid during the off hours then they should not be required to answer office phones and emails during those hours. You pay for work done. Period. "I told her that was no excuse, because she is only in her first trimester and barely even pregnant yet." WTF. Pregnant is pregnant- there is no "barely pregnant." You are or you aren't. She's vomiting constantly and can't keep anything down. You want her on the ph

11.

Text - aSeaPersonByNight · 4d · Asshole Aficionado [14] ΥΤΑ. No way a real person could be this obtuse. For anyone curious, morning sickness does indeed last all day and varies in severity from pregnancy to pregnancy. Pregnant women are frequently encouraged to eat small meals throughout the day instead of a few large ones to help with blood sugar, nausea, and other symptoms. Exhaustion and headaches are common first trimester symptoms. You can't be "barely even pregnant" - you either are pregna

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Text - thefrOstypenguin0 · 4d 1 Award Please god let this be a troll.... Just in case YTA. Some women can skip through pregnancy, with giggles and rainbows, looking a tampon commercial. Others live in the deepest bowels of hell, fighting a never ending battle against themselves, others and the dreaded smells. You unfortunately never how this is going to effect you. Unless your company has it written somewhere that during the holidays you are required to " put in more hours than normal and everyo

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Text - Doris_Useless • 4d · Asshole Aficionado [17] 1 Award You're right that it's not fair to the rest of your team and that sucks, but she's not making this up. Look at it like a temporary disability and make the accommodations. ΥΤΑ. 1.2k 3 ...

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Text - MrBoo843 · 4d · Asshole Aficionado [10] YTA And where I'm from that sort of harassment towards a pregnant worker is illegal. You could get in a lot of trouble for doing shit like that. 4 301 3 ...

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Text - robodebs · 4d YTA- you sound like a terrible boss and I feel sorry for your team. I wonder if she can possibly file some sort of discrimination lawsuit against you for holding her pregnancy against her at work. 205 3 ...

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Text - Catz10000 • 4d YTA. Pregnancy is hard on a body. Especially the first trimester. Yes, it's her personal decision to have a baby. Where is your humanity and compassion? This is a medical matter. You are completely unsupportive. Would you want your wife, mother or sisters to be treated this way? 447 3 ...

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Text - NottheNSA94·4d ·Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1 Award Might I suggest you do some things to understand what she is going through and will be going through soon 1. Have someone punch you in the gut and kick your ribs 2. Everytime you eat, make sure you throw up after 3. Want a drink? Try it and then throw up 4. Want to know how tired she is? Don't sleep for days and see if you can function 5. Think of the nastiest smelling thing, and go smell it. That's probably what her favorite things smell lik

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Text - vox1028 · 4d · Partassipant [1] YTA. your wife is right, you couldn't possibly know anything about pregnancy. not to mention it's different for everyone; while one woman might have a very easy pregnancy, for another it might be absolute hell. If she has cancer and needed frequent time off for doctor's appointments and sick days, would you still think you needed to "relay your concerns?" why is this situation different just because what she's going through is female-specific? and it's very

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Text - queenoreo · 4d • Supreme Court Just-ass [110] YTA for saying "barely even pregnant". Pregnancy is either you are, or you aren't. There's no in between stage. 136 ...

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Text - ScubaCC • 4d · Certified Proctologist [24] YTA And you're going to get yourself sued. Your employee has indicated a condition that qualifies as a disability under the federal ADA and she has indicated that she needs reasonable accommodations. Consult an HR attorney on what you are legally required to do for her. 94 ...

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Text - Feisty-Donkey · 4d · Asshole Aficionado [10] YTA, and you're setting yourself up for lawsuits if you continue to engage in pregnancy discrimination. Also, are you paying all these people overtime? If not, what entitles you to more than 40 hours of work from them per week? 67 ...

22.

Text - Puffincake_throwaway • 4d · Asshole Aficionado [18] YTA Morning sickness is most common in the morning but certainly isn't limited to it. It can also be debilitating and severe. Also YTA for saying she's 'barely pregnant yet' at 10 weeks. That's 10 weeks of daily vomiting, headaches, and exhaustion for Cara. How productive do you think you would be if you were vomiting every day for 10 weeks? Good news for you and the office, I guess, is that morning sickness tends to peak around 12-15 we

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FedEx Truck Gets Stolen During Delivery


Man, talk about having to live down your worst waking nightmare while on the job out delivering packages. Hopefully, they were able to apprehend that runaway criminal and get the truck back without everything being completely messed up. Kudos to the dude for running after the truck though. That's some heart. 

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