Friday, July 24, 2020

Tumblr Thread: Wild Overheards From Court Reporter


It's a miracle that court reporters can keep straight faces. This fun Tumblr thread takes a look at all the kinds of crazy stuff court reporters overhear while on the job. 

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Job - > drucila616 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

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Text - ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.

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Text - ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget... ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like you

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Text - ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid

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Text - ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.

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Text - ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Ye

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Cleaner Has Classy Response for "Water Discount" Client


After a request like this, it would be pretty hard not to send someone a photo of your bare ass and directions on where to kiss it, but this person kept things classy. It's still extremely hard to have any sympathy for the kind of person who thinks they deserve a discount in exchange for literally a penny's worth of water, but that's entitled goofs for you.

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Text - Hi Just wanted to let you know that we loved the cleaning last week and was wondering if you could come back every month ?! Also, we we're wondering if you could give us a discount next time ?! We saw you refilling your water bottle from our sink, it seems not a big deal but our water bill is high specially with our new pool... looking forward to seeing you again! Thank you

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Text - Hi i I am so very glad you loved the cleaning last week, I give it my all to every house. As far as the water that I took from your sink: with the face mask, gloves, the AC off in your home, it gets very hot. I sweat a lot when cleaning which I have to replace with water, I have to be hydrated because it wouldn't be fun me passing out in your home because of

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Text - dehydration. Please send your vemno or PayPal for the reimbursement of 32oz of water ( it's 2 cents a gallon ) As far as me coming back again, it seems like we're not a good match. I wish you good luck and health. Have a good day.

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Revenge Of The Week: The Long Game


Man, oh, man, this entitled neighbor was in way over their heads. Dick thought he was dealing with some easy pushover, and got a serious wakeup call. Bam Bam is a legend. 

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Absolute Worst Movies People Sat Through


Someone on AskReddit got a thread rolling about the worst movies people ever sat through. Of course the context with this particular thread is that these people were suffering through these movies hoping for some kind of improvement. Unfortunately, no such improvement was ever had, and the movies continued onward with mind numbingly terrible quality. 

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White - kingominous • 3h Eragon Reply 506 ... +3

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Text - CrustyButts132 • 2h The Last Airbender, the movie. It's been 10 years and I still become enraged when I think about it Reply 606 ...

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White - DudeFromSaudi • 3h Battlefield Earth. Reply 109 ... +

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Text - POster_Nutbag • 3h Fantastic Four. Take your pick on which one... they're all pretty abysmal. The 2005 one in particular sticks out to me. It's about an hour and a half of them being depressed about getting super powers, followed by 5 minutes of bland action. Reply 429 ...

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Text - _hate_traveling • 2h Artemis Fowl. What an absolute clusterfuck that movie was. Disney just skullfucked the source material to death and then set fire on the body. Reply 327 ...

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Text - a_guy_named_gai • 2h The Amazing Spider-man 2. After making Spider-man 3 a mess by putting in 3 villians and pointless subplots, Sony decides to reboot the franchise and does the exact same thing in the sequel to the reboot. Reply 1 74 ...

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Text - AveragWaffIBoi • 2h All of the maze runner movies after the first one. Sure, they were good, but as far as I remember, there was no maze running. Reply 345 ...

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Text - Eggsegret • 2h Jack and jill. Wasted an hour and a half of my life that I'll never get back Reply 165 ...

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Text - ShibertInu • 2h Percy Jackson. I'm not sure how enjoyable it is if you haven't read the books but if you have, Jesus motherfucking Christ, it's unbearable. The only similarity to the books are the names of the characters. That's it. The story has absolutely nothing to do with any of what happens in the books. It's just pure disappointment. It starts off pretty weak and then gradually gets worse and with each passing second it simply gets more and more depressing. You don't want to stop wa

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Text - Zedfourkay • 2h Dark Phoenix. The X-Men movies have proved they can make masterpieces, then they ended on this rubbish movie Reply 138 ...

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White - PMYOURBOOBOVERFLOW• 2h Cats. Just, yikes. Reply 107 ...

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Text - sugar-soad • 2h Disaster Movie. Worst movie ever. It took me 5 attempts to finish it and I regret every second of it. I would rather get punched in the crotch than have to watch that again | Reply 62 ...

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Text - rajagopal2001 • 2h Fifty Shades of Grey . I am waiting for the movie to get interesting , turns out its just Porn. Reply 79

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Text - enlaggedhoop • 2h Rise of the sky walker. It was so much of a mess that I thought it was building up into something interesting, but in the end that was just my imagination Reply 162 ...

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Text - Nofreeupvotes • 2h I don't remember the name of it but it was an M Night Shyamalan movie about a demon in an elevator. Half way through my friend turns to me and says "I just realized we're watching a movie about a demon in an elevator." As we walked out of the theater another friend said "I feel like I just had disappointing sex." The experience was so mundane and un-memorable that I will, ironically, always remember it. Reply 29 ...

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Text - katakitoo • 1h "Downsizing"movie for me was a huge disappointment though the idea of the movie was nice and new, it turned to be very slow and boring. Reply 1 27 ...

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Text - Obieousmaximus • 2h The last air bender and suicide squad. I went back and watched both because I thought maybe I was being too harsh on them. NOPE they still suck!!! Reply 1 42 ...

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Text - NijiPanda • 2h The emoji movie. I was honestly hoping for a Lego Movie situation where everyone thought it would be terrible but it was actually really good. My hopes were dashed in like the first five minutes. Reply 19

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Text - rake2204 • 2h The Amazing Jonathan Documentary Possible spoilers ahead. As a 90's kid, I remember his Comedy Central specials being clever and l'd heard there was some mystery or at least a twist to his doc, so I watched the entire thing waiting for the payoff that'd make everything feel a lot less depressing than it seemed. Totally thought I was being Andy Kaufman'd. Turns out he really is just addicted to meth and pretty much a total mess. Reply 1 13 ...

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Text - panda-rampage • 2h Any Netflix movie that Adam Sandler/Happy Madison production has churned out. Ridiculous Six is an atrocity Reply 31 ...

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Text - Ladoopanath • 1h Threat Level Midnight. Scarn was a douche, didn't mind the robot butler as much. The after credits scene is cringe too. Reply 12 ...

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Text - umpalumpamonkey • 2h The Twilight Saga Good grief I almost fell asleep so many times Reply 15 ...

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Text - mearalove • 1h Beowulf. After the first 5 minutes, I spent the rest of the movie pleading with my friend to leave. Seriously, I still want those hours back. Reply ...

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Text - Kolenga 1h Aquaman. I really hoped that messy bundle of cliches would get more interesting at some point but it never did. Reply 14 ...

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Text - rocket-c4t • 2h Sausage Party, I have never hated a film so much in my life Reply 15 ...

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Text - venicerocco • 2h Greyhound. The new Tom Hanks WW2 movie on Apple+. It's an abomination. It's as if apple have taken the beats and tropes of a war movie and assembled them together into a shallow pale imitation. It's clearly designed by committee, utterly unfollowable and lacks clear and concise direction. Awful. Reply ...

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Text - curiouscockgobbler • 1h Ghostbusters 2016. I was waiting for that original Ghostbusters feeling to kick in but it just shat on the originals and kept shitting until the credits rolled. Reply ...

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Text - ineedagirlfriendpls • 2h The hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Worst movie l've ever seen and they didn't have anything the same as the book. A complete and utter disgrace. Reply 6 ...

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Text - nekkidmancer • 1h Skyline. Kept waiting for it to have a redeeming quality. Somehow just kept getting worse. Reply ...

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Text - em_press • 47m There are two, for different reasons. 1. Sucker Punch. It just plain sucked. 2. Indiana Jones 4. Hopes were so high, the entire cinema was buzzing in anticipation before it started. At the end we all filed out in deflated disappointment. Reply Vote ...

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Russian Teen Recovers after Being Struck by Lightning


The 16-year old Ivan Zaborovsky was struck by lightning during warm-ups with his soccer team. Three weeks later he's back with a minor burn from where his necklace came in contact with his skin. He doesn't remember it happening, but that doesn't detract from the fact that the whole experience looks painful.

Submitted by: (via Inside Edition)