Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Funny Tweets and Tumblr Gems for Strength Against Boredom


A nice juicy funny tweet or tumblr gem is something you can quote later to your friends. The internet is a nexus of extremely specific and stupid ideas that get stuck into people's mind-brains and get bounced around like marbles in a paint-shaker, so it's only natural that there are optimal funny tweets to remember later and chuckle quietly.

1.

White - there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley's spine like a glowstick O Like Comment Share O=0 2.5K 1,171 shares Most Relevant v Weirdgardium Flexiosa, but ok. O=0 371 3h Like Reply

2.

Forehead - (watching ghost hunting show) Guy: I think I hear something (camera man farts) Guy: HES TRYING TO SPEAK TO US TheFunnyintrovert

3.

Font - kaijuno Also being a scientist pretty much gives you a free pass to be as eccentric as you want like you'll be at a conference and it's like "is that guy wearing socks and sandals and plaid pants???" "Ya but he was on the team that discovered gravitational waves let him be" inthisquarter I once saw a highly-respected mineralogist take a slice of watermelon, put it between the two halves of a bagel, and eat it like a sandwich.

4.

Font - anchovy-official every time i sneeze my ribs starts aching tokai-teio king-monky and every time we kiss i swear i could fly meatswitch #i can feel my heart beat fast #the sound of my ass #claps alert the guards

5.

Rectangle - Horse Abilities [edit] - Will count as a witness for crimes wakemflockemrobots: You may think this is a Skyrim wiki but it's actually the Massachusetts Legal Code

6.

Font - thefiresontheheight Good reasons to get stronger: 1. Lift girlfriend. 2. Lift wife (someday, I hope). 3. Protect women. 4. Intimidate men. kcarrollworld See, this is healthy masculinity. thefiresontheheight No. No it is not. This is me being a lesbian.

7.

Font - a averagefairy when youre laying down and your pet walks across your internal organs and youre like OWFCK and they dont even care they just keep standing on your spleen like its their job thadeeliv this is why i keep my skin closed at all times. averagefairy you.. you what

8.

Organism - starrose17 I was so totally not aware that people didn't know that being sorted into Houses was a real thing in UK schools. It's not something made up just for the Harry Potter world, it's a real schooling system, I was in the St George House at my school and everyone had the same attitude to Prefects as everyone in the HP world did to Percy Weasley I can assure you. taakosmodernlife how do you get the hat to talk lunabellie We had them in my high school here in Australia and let me t

9.

Font - hexglyphs oh, sure, when SPIDERMAN Ileaps from rooftop to rooftop, performing death-defying extreme parkour stunts as he swings through the city, he's "a hero" and "protecting the city", but when i do it i'm "illegally trespassing on private property" and "a menace to society", THAT'S how it is, huh, realaxolotl peter parker said this in civilian clothing hexglyphs yours is the only funny and correct addition to this post

10.

Font - eelpatrickharris reasons that i was going 9 mph over the speed limit today: the lumberjack in the big red chevy truck behind me on this double-lined road was in a hurry and also was using a slightly more powerful bluetooth radio to play his music, but he was using the same frequency that i use, and he was just playing Party In The Usa on repeat, so every time he caught up to me my music started fading out and "i pUT MY HANDS UP THEY'RE PLAYIN MY SONG" started blaring from my speakers and

11.

Organism - the-entire-furry-fandom hey give birds antlers hideki16seiyuu But what if they get stuck in the trees the-entire-furry-fandom alright but they could also use it as camouflage and blend in with the tree trans-doll What if they landed on each other's antlers biggest-gaudiest-patronuses stack em pwapboi @wishem wishem wishem biggest-gaudiest-patronuses i keep presenting you with cursed concepts and you keep drawing them in friendly, pleasant ways, this is blasphemy

12.

Font - RC Crobot @roboticcrab ME *traps wasp under a cup* MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups* ME: no MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them* 7:08 PM · 9/20/18 · Twitter for iPhone 2,916 Retweets 9,253 Likes

13.

Organism - James Potter @dontforgetjames Being gay isn't a choice, it's an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it's your time. 12:29 · 23 Mar 19 · Twitter for iPhone 6,406 Retweets 21.6K Likes

14.

Font - pukicho Every post on reddit is like “my wife left 99 me, so i spent 100000 on a new man cave" and there's always a storm trooper of some kind in the room. Ive seen this happen so often on reddit that now i associate storm troopers and the entire star wars universe with divorce. gabedr888 may divorce be with you

15.

Font - A pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird Tracking Service, as helpfully as possible: Your order is out for delivery! It should arrive by 8 PM today! Me, sitting by the door at 8:12 AM: pakige thegreekgamer Me opening my apartment door anytime I hear the outside door open despite it being 10AM: Böx? i-sinfulsound envelööp?

16.

Font - Dan Sheehan @ltsDanSheehan According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying >

17.

Font - jordan @jordan_stratton Government: You owe us money. It's called taxes. Me: How much dol owe? Gov't: You have to figure that out. Me: I just pay what I want? Gov't: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too. Me: What if I get it wrong? Gov't: You go to prison 6:17 AM · 4/16/19 · Twitter for iPhone

18.

Font - David Friedman @ironicsans · 3h This amused me more than it probably should have. How did people in the Middle Ages know what skeletons look like without X-ray machines? Answered Edit: I forgot about dead people in NoStupidQuestions by 1 4.1K O 91% 12h / 12h 13 t7 827 2.4K

19.

Font - Ruthe Phoenix @RuthePhoenix Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy. 1:55 AM 07 Dec 15 2,313 RETWEETS 3,701 LIKES mudfishscientist Thats it Thats what antivaxxers sound like

20.

Font - Elias-wWI @elias_khawam23 *studying for exam in college* Me reading notes: 'Tetrahymena thermophila are free-living pond ciliate which have a macro-nuclear draft genome of 180 chromosomes and 25,000 genes' Me in my head: "Yeah most of this is pretty much common sense anyway" *goes to sleep

21.

Font - writing-prompt-s You're happily going about when you vanish in a cloud of smoke. Suddenly, you're standing in a ring of candles. A sorcerer holding a tome looks pleased at your arrival. Turns out Earth is Hell, and we're the demons, and you've just been summoned. winsbuck Bad choice buddy

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