Thursday, December 31, 2020

A Collection Of Slightly Entertaining Tweets


Sometimes Twitter actually delivers. 

1.

Text - .Mela. @mela_shea Publisher: so it's a kids book about the negative effects of peer pressure? Dr. Seuss: no no, it encourages it Publisher: oh Dr. Seuss: and it rhymes Publisher: listen I really don't think- Dr. Seuss: there's also ham Publisher: keep talking 12/28/19 · Twitter for iPhone 10:29 AM

2.

Text - WTFDAD @daddydoubts Me: goodnight son I love you. Зуо: Me: I said I love you. 3yo: I love milk. Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight* 9:25 PM · 1/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - Not the Nanny @notthenanny Current Status: Helping my kid look for her Milky Way bar I ate a couple hours ago. 7:00 PM · 12/28/19 - Twitter for iPhone

4.

Table - Pats A' Tweetin @PatsATweetin My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

5.

Text - Motley @MotleyTheMutt Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send. 11:15 AM · 1/9/20 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Text - Dr. Quim, Medicine Woman @CindyTakesBKLYN Me: The thing is, I've never been in a real relationship with a woman before. It's all new to me. So is it weird that I named her boobs over Christmas, but she hasn't named mine yet? Pharmacist: I meant questions about your prescription. 2:50 PM · 1/13/20 · Twitter Web App

7.

Text - conscious robot @robots_feel wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him [later] me: [sighing] ok so ur mom's a narc 6:10 AM - 1/9/20 · Twitter for Android

8.

Text - Vision Bored @VisionBored1 Son: Can I have some? Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy you won't like it. 9:43 PM · 1/5/20 · Twitter for iPhone 0....:

9.

Text - Neanderthal_Jones @1_dingle Me - excuse me, whats the wifi password here? Him - ill tell you if you blow me Me - very funny. seriously, whats the password Him - im not joking Me - *wiping mouth* ok now tell me Him - *tightening belt* i already told you, ill tell you if you blow me, no caps no spaces 10:00 PM · 1/5/20 · Twitter for Android

10.

Text - amber ruffin @ambermruffin Me: I really have my shit together. I'm doing a good job and feel successful. Also me: My couch is being held up by a can of beans. OYA Kidney Beans uelas Coloradas PREMIUM

11.

Text - Paul Barbar @paulbarbar_I| My lady doctor just flirted with me. She told me that I'm toO sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I know what she really meant. 11:01 am 25 Dec 19 Twitter for iPhone

12.

Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Me: I'm sick. Do we have any ginger ale? Wife: No, just ginger beer. Me: Does it work the same? Wife:I don't know. [9 Moscow Mules later] Me [on front lawn, naked except for cowboy boots]: IT WERKS BETTAHhhhh 7:31 AM 1/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

13.

Text - Elisabeth @YourMomsucksTho Most of being an adult is whispering "fuck this" while doing it anyway 9:07 PM · 11/13/19 · Twitter Web App

14.

Text - Sir Michael @Michael1979 MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN 1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT'S WHERE I LIVE 2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I'LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT 3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN 4:18 PM · 1/6/20 · TweetDeck

15.

Text - the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby If you ever start thinking you're cool, walk down a really steep hill 3:46 PM · 1/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

16.

Text - Pigeon Fancier @isabelzawtun I love seeing people panic at karaoke when they realize how long & repetitive their song is. Will I be singing My Sharona forever?! Their eyes plead 9:33 AM - 1/7/20 · Twitter Web App

17.

Text - James Breakwell, Exploding Unic... @XplodingUnicorn 7-year-old: How'd you learn to do that? Me: Do what? 7: Put hot dogs in the macaroni? Me: A wizard taught me. 4:36 PM 12/30/19 · Twitter for Android

18.

Text - Chad Johnson @ochocinco McRib is $4.19 2 Thighz & A Biscuit @BigBootyJu... · 21h Niggas will eat a McRib before they eat ass. Help me understand this logic 12:06 PM · 1/14/20 · Echofon

19.

Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns Him: we're being attacked by a UFO Me: are they human? Him: no they're- Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer 12:13 PM · 1/9/20 · Twitter for iPhone

20.

Text - .:RiotGrl:. @RiotGrIErin Patti LaBelle: Hi Patti LaBraille: · ·* Translate Tweet 3:16 AM · 1/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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