Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Funny Tweets to Give that Day a Boost


Twitter can be a war zone of horrible takes and unsubstantiated arguments about things no one really cares about, but it's also cut with sweet, delectable jokes. For more odds and ends, here are some more funny tweets that hit the spot and some random funny Tumblr nuggets.

1.

Text - Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy DR: you have this disease ME: oh no DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise ME: OH NO 2/18/17, 1:00 AM

2.

Text - Abbie @AbbieEvansXO Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here Me: huh, this doesn't seem so bad Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself 9/7/18, 2:37 PM

3.

Text - Paul F. Tompkins @PFTompkins Becoming a grandparent is the one time it's acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE. 11/30/18, 5:56 PM 2,484 Retweets 19.5K Likes Paul F. Tompkins O @PFTompkins · 1d v Replying to @PFTompkins "Honey get your shoes on, we're going to Queen Bitch and Deathblade's."

4.

Text - Max Dylan Ash @mynameisntdave 5 GUYS EMPLOYEE: what would u like? ME: one "little fries" please 5GE: so u want "a whole bag of fries?" ME: no, just a "little-" 5GE:I definitely heard "more fries than u could ever handle" ME: please, no- 5GE: JERRY, FOIST UPON THIS MAN "A FUCKASS LOAD AMOUNT OF FRIES" 8/20/18, 21:25

5.

Text - Hippo @InternetHippo Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that's what all the rest of us are doing too 9/21/15, 2:11 PM 1,986 RETWEETS 3,213 LIKES

6.

Text - jenna @httpjens the hottest part of sex is when i take off my glasses and put them in a safe place 2/4/18, 6:18 PM

7.

Text - leo dominguez @oledominguez COLGAT Almost left the grocery store without buying a bag of spring mix to throw, unopened, into the garbage in two weeks

8.

Text - lil arab @maybetomhanks Watching The Incredibles at age 11: damn Mrs. Incredible is thick Watching The Incredibles at age 25: damn Mrs. Incredible is thick. Also I have depression now

9.

Text - Elena Lifewaster Jr. @elunatyk I want to upgrade my depression to the one that makes you create "Starry Night" and not the one that has you lay in bed and try and eat a bagel without having to use your hands. 12:59 AM · 3/27/19 · Twitter for iPhone

10.

Text - Dom @Domasaur_ it takes 50 muscles to cry but only 14 muscles to smile cry all day. lose weight. gainz

11.

Tree - Darryn King @DarrynKing I think that I shall never see /A poem as lovely as a WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

12.

Text - Sarah @thetigersez A fun part of your 30s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

13.

Text - everett byram @rad_milk how stupid is elton john that he doesn't know the word "astronaut" >

14.

Text - 7ack @Mr_Kapowski Whole Foods Cashier: You have your reusable bags? Me: No *wave of boos from shoppers* *a toddler with a hyphenated 1st name spits on me*

15.

Text - Nick Amadeus @NickAmadeus I'm so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video. 6/8/14, 10:16 AM 2,429 RETWEETS 3,999 LIKES

16.

Text - James Alvarez @ObscureGent Me: *opens door* Jehovah's Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord? Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet? Jehova's Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked? Me: sure 1:58 PM · 09 May 18 · Twitter Web Client 2,140 Retweets 9,033 Likes

17.

Text - Joe Johnson @JoeJohnsonice My favorite anime, WHO FOOD MANK Cowboy Beef loaf Ingredients: Beef, eggs, jalapeno, cheddar cheese, jack cheace onion narclev oreen onion. arlic. salt. pepper, RETWEETS LIKES 12,897 22,522

18.

Text - Sara Valentine @saramvalentine Everyone hates millennials until it's time to convert a PDF into a Word document 9/18/18, 2:02 PM 1,397 RETWEETS 6,082 LIKES

19.

Text - eric turtle O @dubstep4dads if ur friend falls asleep a fun prank is to put his hand in a bucket of warm monster energy so he has dreams about riding dirtbikes and fighting his stepdad

20.

Text - shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird me: y'know when someone else is in the stall next to you and you have a stand off where you both refuse to poop first, i feel like that's what betty white and the queen are doing but about dying my dentist: i said stop talking <>

21.

Text - the average joe @jazz_inmypants [tree falls in forest] [doesnt make a sound] GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the- TREE: oh shit I mean AHHIFELL

22.

Text - Peter @OkigboXL PSA: Don't EVER let your printer know that you've waited until the last minute to print something out and you're in hurry because they can sense fear.

23.

Text - Ace Watkins @GamerPres2020 As President, I will get us to the 69th Amendment as quickly as possible. We will do this by passing a series of filler Amendments: eliminating the Electoral College, adding Supreme Court term limits, ending Cannabis Prohibition, etc. The 69th Amendment will simply read, "Nice."

24.

Text - Nate Madden @NateMaddenCRTV Guys, a helpful reminder as we get into Hallmark movie season: If you don't show your girlfriend/fiancee the true meaning of Christmas, a moderately- attractive local tradesman from her hometown with a dog and/or small child will.

25.

Text - rage gord @actuallygordon when your good buddy oatmeal makes a real knee slapper of a joke * HAHA * Classic Oatmeal Broun Qnar

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