Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Gems from the Churning Minds of Tumblr


Tumblr is a website of thoughts bouncing from one thing to another, filled with Tumblr rabbit holes to fill time and wildly creative thoughts like the idea of an alien invasion being fought off by wildlife. That said, a lot of it is silly puns, weird facts and people being dumb for dumbness sake.

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Face - You're teleported to 44 BCE Rome in your everyday street clothes. You're brought before Caesar and he believes you might be from the future, hoping to bring him fortune. One day he questions you, asking "How Do I Die?" calamitouserebus "Surrounded by friends" gardenoffish Ceasers as he's getting stabbed and remembers:

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Text - illegal-move If i were to decide that I wanted to shitpost I could do so at an astounding pace. The conk creat foundations of the internet would shake under the weight of my massive shitpost. Oh how the skies would vibrate from the sound of horns heralding the arrival of my shitty blog. The gods themselves would roll their anime eyes #Ohohoho #l'm potentially a powerful boy #my hands are shaking

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Text - rosswoodpark Everyone talks about how animals can see colors we can't but I wanna know wtf my dog is smelling for three minutes on the sidewalk genderflaccid That's conk creat babey!!!!! Source: rosswoodpark

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Text - Y REI i tilthat TIL that 23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus' ship "Santa Maria" was named "Juan". via reddit.com krinkshame That's nearly a three to juan ratio recoil-operated You son of a bitch purplespaladin Wouldn't that be four to juan? mens-rights-activia No, 3 to Juan is correct because for every 4 people, 3 are not Juan and one is Juan; 3:1 means there are 4 parts all together, 75%:25%, that's how ratios work

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Text - official-deutschland: adhdheather: to remember how many feet there are in a mile, u just gotta use 5 tomatoes five to-mate-oes sounds like five, two, eight, 0 and there's 5280 feet in a mile To remember how many meters there are in a kilometre you just remember "1000" because the system of measurement in the rest of the world wasn't invented by a drunk mathematician rolling dice.

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Text - dumbasian why is bruno mars so weird about some girl opening her eyes while shes kissing him ive been meaning to ask this question since 2010 E dumbasian Dr Phil asked How did bruno know her eyes where open unless his where too ? this ask made me open my third eye pacificrim why the fuck is doctor phil asking you this

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Text - Missionary Baptist Church REMEMBER SATAN WAS THE FIRST TO DEMAND EQUAL RIGHTS witch-boots: emofag420: the-vengeful-crobat: flirtyfawn: | I hate living in Texas. Can't tell if this is anti-equal rights or pro-satan I'm deciding this is pro-satan Definitely pro-Satan.

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Text - If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, it means that one good girl is worth $8.33 USD (2015). thank you for this I need the equation you used for this 1 good girl 1000 bitches 12 bitches = $0.10 1 bitches = $0.0083 1 good girl = 1000 bitches x $0.0083 1/bitches 1 good girl = $8.33 It's your basic equation substitution method. You simplify the second equation from Lil Wayne (the blue one) and plug

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Text - ink-and-roses: ahumblebard: doxian: I want a movie about a little girl, aged like 11-12, going through the stuggles of prepubescent girl life, with her entire inner monologue is narrated by Samuel L. Jackson. Shot of disgruntled adorable little girl. SLJ: I knew that Susie was a backstabbin' motherfucker, and if anyone was going to ruin my chances of being Miss Sugar Drop Queen, it was that asshole. I didn't know I needed this in my life until now. This is never not funny Source: doxian

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Text - firlalaith: zombiefauns: i've figured out that horror games with grotesque monsters and spooky environments are -9000 scary if you pretend you're steve irwin on a mission to document the monster(s) "Lookie there. That's a six-foot grunt from the basement. A'hm gonna wrassle it." This is how I get thru a lot of scary environments without getting scared, it really works.

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Text - English Game: place the word "only" anywhere on the sentence She told him that she loved him. parkourtoyoutoo: shadowwraiths: Ladies and Gentlemen, The English Language... What are you doing? STOP. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

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Text - stats just bought this tapeworm from etsy! snirts where are you gonna keep it stats :) ginger-ale-official I don't like this post very much

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Text - australopitherex: just-shower-thoughts: How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archeology instead of grave robbing? as an archaeologist, i find this a veRY AWKWARD QUESTION Source: just-shower-thoughts 99,186 notes 1

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Adaptation - Everything in this room is catable. Éven l'am catablei But that is called cannibalism, my dear children and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. ive-got-a-dark-side: Johnny Depp smashed this role & if you think otherwise your argument is invalid.

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Text - not-safe-for-earth: madlori: destielcult: I will never understand why Sweeney Todd is such an underrated film on tumblr. I mean it's a musical about cannibalism featuring attractive psychopaths and the cast is 90% british. My friend Rachel refers to this movie as "Johnny Depp Slaughters the Cast of Harry Potter." ACCURATE

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Text - ziraseal: naturemetaltolkien: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. you need to stop Source: naturemetaltolkien 93,877 notes

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Text - castiel-2y5 ampara louheart sadstagram YOUR BONES AND INSIDES HAVE NEVER SEEN SUNLIGHT AND THEY PROBABLY NEVER WILL uniess you get brutally murdered and ieft outside to rot US Whoa there friend you might need to slow down

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Facial expression - not feeling comfortable in your own skin. fustgfalythingo

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Text - aariandthediamonds: jesspinkman: being a pessimist is great i'm always either right or pleasantly surprised #the optimistic look on pessimism The paradox is high in this one

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Transport - Come a little closer Funeral servic m Jnastadeas m cynicallys ITS AN ADD FOR FUCKINF FUNERAL SERVICES

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Twitter Thread: Kid's Letters Inspires Wholesome Vulnerability


Hugh Weber shared a Twitter thread about his 11-year-old's wild ride with the USPS, and it seems to convey a deeper message. Maybe it's a message that the beauty of humanity itself escapes through human beings' vulnerability. Brace yourself, cause this thread has been known to get the feels train rolling. 

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Text - Hugh Weber @hughweber Emerson, my 11 year old, is on a bit of a wild ride with the @USPS and our local mail carrier, Doug. And, I think there's a deeper message to it all. First, the backstory... 6:45 PM · 5/2/20 · Twitter for iPhone 2,805 Retweets 6,188 Likes <>

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Neighbors Go Full Petty, Guy Tows In Pro Revenge


We love a good neighbor revenge story. People can turn real petty on their neighbors, and sometimes that pettiness is addressed with a calculated, borderline genius, pro revenge. In this case, the dude had had enough of his neighbors' rampant pettiness, and how they'd park in his spots. So, he towed in a whole lot of "redneck hardware" and parked it out front of their place, when the moment presented itself. Just imagining what those two weeks must've been like for those neighbors; oh boy. 

Get some more neighbor revenge goodness over here with this entitled neighbor who tasted his own medicine.

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Text - r/ProRevenge JOIN u/SleepNowMyThrowaway • 1y Yes, I understand it's a public street; now, let's learn the difference between legality and civility, ok? This happened in the summer of 2016 when my wife and I moved into our new home on a tree lined, brick street. Nice neighborhood but nothing fancy. Blue collar, working men and women.

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Text - We met the neighbors, my wife made cookies and they invited us to their pool parties, we swapped foodstuffs and recipes ... It was all Ozzie and Harriet - until put a fence up around our back yard for security firstly as anyone could come off the back alley and right up onto our porch and back door. Plus, I wanted to be able to let our two shorthair pointers out to play without having to tie them up or supervise them. Well, our neighbors didn't like that, and who can say why? It disturbed

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Text - Three things changed: One, they no longer invited us to their pool parties, two, we no longer traded cookies and pies, and lastly...they began parking in front of our house. It's a public street and you can do as you will but my two spaces were constricted by a telephone pole that had guy wires coming down from it meaning you'd have to be careful getting into and out of your car lest you scratch the paint, or worse, clothesline yourself with metal cables. So we had but one good spot that

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Text - They also started an illicit piano lessons business (better than drums, I suppose) and apparently decided to keep their front spots open for their customers. I work odd hours and it always seemed there were a line of cars in front of both houses so l'd end up having to park frustratingly far away and with winter coming, trudging through the slush carrying groceries had zero appeal.

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Text - So I watched and waited until one fine fall day with the leaves changing from green to vermillion and brilliant gold, and a morning chill that promised of winter soon to come - it happened! Their 3-5 cars (the live-at- home, unemployed daughter maintained a rotating cast of paramours) were gone, and nobody was giving piano lessons! I struck! I raced to my dad's and hitched his houseboat to his beater farm truck and towed the combo back home, parking 80'+ of gloriously tacky red-neck hardw

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Text - And I left the combo there for almost two weeks, unmoving, and rusting loudly right in front of their front porch swing that they liked to perch on in the evenings. Pressure from my wife and the impending monthly street sweeping finally led to my removing the blockade and they've not parked in font of our place since, nor have we spoken more than 5 words in 2 years ... and that's fine by us. The woman can't bake anyhow.

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Wendy's Roasts Of Pure Fiery Proportions


There's no denying that a Wendy's roast is not like the rest of them. They just hit different. These roasts pulled zero punches, and for that we are grateful. 

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Product - Wendy's @Wendys 28m Time to crack open a cold one with the boys. QUALITY IS OUR RECIPE Blu_Cheese @LegitHamburger 14m Replying to @Wendys This might actually be the worst version of this terrible meme l've seen. 61 Wendy's @Wendys 13m We are sorry to have let down you and your 17 followers. 7 40 166

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Text - Cooper Franklin @CooperDFra.. 5d Wendy's needs to get rid of the square burger it seems a little too... artificial 27 1 Wendy's @Wendys Replying to @CooperDFranklin Unlike the super natural circle shape that hamburgers come in when you pick them off the vine. 2:46 PM 29 Nov 17

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Text - Kevin Brown @FriendlyFAUX - 13h I consider this a declaration of war, @Wendys. ***FREE OFFER ON BACK!!*** Wendy's Restaurant #0000245 7401 NW 73RD Street Medley, FL 33166 (305) 887-1789 (305) 887-1789 KELVIN ia CALVEN st: Celia LVEN e: DINE IN der Type: DINE IN 18 Wendy's 2 Follow @Wendys Replying to @FriendlyFAUX Very sorry Clavlin. It won't happen again.

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Product - The Short One @caseyarnold23 @Wendys Do you know of any good pick up lines? 15h Wendy's @Wendys @caseyarnold23 You dropped your name tag pic.twitter.com/070PUP012P 5:21 AM - 4 Jan 2017 Follow Wendy's PURE SUGAR the Curtis F D013OmwLuC ga permanent, like wait u OL PURE SUGAR RED BY OOMND FOcos, NC YON NY C2013 OidemaLLC PURE SUGAR 6 17 481 1,437

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Font - McDonald's @McDonalds 10h M Today we've announced that by mid-2018, all Quarter Pounder burgers at the majority of our restaurants will be cooked with fresh beef. 0:07 655 17 2,669 2,884 Wendy's @Wendys Replying to @McDonalds .@McDonalds So you'll still use frozen beef in MOST of your burgers in ALL of your restaurants? Asking for a friend.

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Text - Tweet Tony X. O @soloucity · 3h so @Wendys ujust gonna let @IHOB sell burgers on your block? thought you were the og? 22 t7 1,534 5,885 Wendy's O @Wendys Replying to @soloucity and @IHOB Not really afraid of the burgers from a place that decided pancakes were too hard. 11:36 AM · 11 Jun 18 41.3K Retweets 110K Likes

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Text - Kyle Syrowski @KyleSkeetSkeet Does Wendy's still do the for for for? Wendy's O @Wendys My dude would you like to buy a vowel? @therecoveringproblemchild Pat Sajak @PatSajak Replying to @Wendys What they said ^

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Text - SUBWAY® SUBWAY @SUBWAY We will from now on be known as PancakeWay ІHOЬ @IHOB· IHO6 Replying to @SUBWAY Just let us have our moment O74 2780 ♡ 534 @MasiPopal Dairy Queen O @DairyQue... · DQ We will from now on be known as FriedChickenQueen 2 Chick-fil-A, Inc. O @ChickfilA Replying to @DairyQueen Stfu

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Text - Chick-fil-A, Inc @ChickFilA Per usual we will be closed on super bowl Sunday, no exceptions (BURGER Burger King @BurgerKing KING Replying to @ChickFIA Don't worry everyone, we will be open.per usuals Chick-fil-A, Inc @ChickFilA Awfully bold of you to assume people actually care if you're open on sundays or not.

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Text - 8h @Wendys is it shameful to be eating Wendys food while sitting in a Mcdonalds parking lot? 17 10 13 Wendy's O @Wendys Replying to You're probably raising the property value tbh

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Text - Wendy's @Wendys 1h It's go time! You want the roast? Then let's go! #National RoastDay 5,516 t7 1,218 7,117 Hooters O @Hooters 46m Whatcha got? t7 7 201 Wendy's O @Wendys Replying to @Hooters Uniforms our employees can wear in the winter. 9:40 PM · 04 Jan 19 · Twitter Web Client 87 Retweets 920 Likes

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Text - Ayanna Hargrove @ayannagurl9 Jul 7 @Wendys how do you feel about Burger King being my favorite restaurant Wendy's O Follow @Wendys Replying to @ayannagurl9 Sorry for your tastebuds 9:28 AM - 7 Jul 2017 3 Retweets 22 Likes 22

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Text - Wendy's O @Wendys 30 Dec 2016 Our beef is way too cool to ever be frozen. Fresh beef available in the contiguous U.S., Alaska and Canada. 1.9K t7 3.8K 26K Thuggy D @NHride Jan 2 your beef is frozen and we all know it. Y'all know we laugh at your slogan "fresh, never frozen" right? Like you're really a joke. 6 32 t구 383 762 Wendy's @Wendys Jan 2 Sorry to hear you think that! But you're wrong, we've only ever used fresh beef since we were founded in 1969. 36 다 832 4.3K Thuggy D @NHride Jan

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Red - debbieh ekitty Debbie09 - 6h @Wendys why does your logo look so creepy Wendy's eWendys @kitty Debbie09

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Entitled Neighbor Tastes His Own Medicine


Ah, yes, a sweet and delicious petty revenge tale. This entitled neighbor's antics ended up backfiring on him in the best way. Just picturing the dude's frustrated, impatience while his car was blocked in is enough to put a smile on the face. Should've just been a kind neighbor from the start. 

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Text - r/pettyrevenge + JOIN u/DarkLord Tofer • 10h Hoisted by his own petard This started as a comment on another thread but I realised it was a good petty revenge so l've given it its own post. We used to live in a road with street parking on one side only, not the side we lived. Some people had driveways and not everyone had a car so there was plenty of room for parking within a couple of houses of where you lived. You could park on my side if you went half on the path but it made life hard f

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Text - The guy who lived directly opposite us was one of those people who thinks he owns the road outside his house. (I don't know if there are countries where this is the case but in the UK it isn't.) If anyone parked outside HIS house he would park as close to them as possible to prove his 'point'. One several occasions he actually gently nudged the car so his was touching it. One day I came home and the council had guys doing work on on the houses and they had a couple of vans taking up most

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Text - I go out later and return late evening, he is still parked there and there's nothing behind him. So I return the favour and park touching his bumper, completely blocking him in. Next day is Saturday, my Mum is up and off to work, walking because she wasn't allowed to use the store car park on Saturdays. I'm awakened by a banging on the door, as obviously he needs to go out somewhere and is completely stuck. I just lie there in bed laughing. Spent the rest of the morning watching him keep

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