Straight up smoky in this room right now from all these roastings. There's a great much to be said for the witty comeback-spewing cretins out there that can think on their feet, and maintain their cool in the fiery face of a pestilent shithead that just has it in for them, on any given day.
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Thoughts and prayers go out to our fallen boozehound of a brother in arms; clearly Saturday night got away from the guy, and he'd watered down so many brain cells with alcohol, the only outcome was his self-made failure. In this case, the fact that he literally tees himself up for a solid boss scolding. Yes, a fail in every sense of the word. Oh, also I definitely recommend checking out this dude's ongoing string of ridiculous tweets. He's got a Scottish Twitter accent thicker than a steaming bowl of overcooked porridge.
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I'm not so sure what J.K. Rowling's doing these days in the way of wrestling the blank page, taking pen to paper, etc; but dude, her ongoing Donald Trump-themed saga via Twitter has certainly got the people entertained -- Harry Potterheads and otherwise. Her whiplike wit and infectious snarkiness is keeping it light in these trying and predictably ridiculous weeks.
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How many times have you been stuck in a tub?
I thought so: At least 100.
So what do you do when you're stuck? Do you go blaming the thing that got you there, like accidentally filling your tub with crazy glue instead of bath bubbles (Ed: It happens all the time). No, you lift yourself up by your bootstraps and get going.
This woman got stuck in a tub because she filled the tub with coconut oil and that made it really slippery. Now she's slipping and sliding in the tub, and everyone is making fun of her. :(
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Ah, the good old tired, grouchy post-Super Bowl Monday morning, where we're all sleepily wading through a sea of bleary-eyed, burned out boozehounds with solidly pulverized livers, hating themselves as much as they already hated Monday. Or maybe you couldn't give less of a turd about last night's game or football in general. That is unless, you're a Patriots fan. In that case you mos def called in sick to work because you're probably still drunk right now, wrapping up an extensive bottomless mimosa and/or Bloody Mary-soaked brunch, to keep the celebration from last night's last call, going. Either way, the memelords of the world had a lot of material to work with after last night's massive comeback by the Patriots, to beat the Falcons in overtime. These memes in particular, didn't fail to keep us entertained.
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There are few things worse than getting a SPAM text. It's like:
So when we see someone taking the SPAM back and opening a can of SPAM on a SPAM account, it makes us want to celebrate by throwing the word "SPAM" into this sentence one more time. This person got a scam SPAM text, and decided to respond with a little SPAM of their own, mostly involving ferrets. You'll like this.
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Shitty times call for shitty inventions, and YouTuber Simone Giertz is the queen of them. Her work turns practical robotics into a nightmare world when automation can do the simplest thing without hurting her or another machine. More importantly, watching these machines screw up is hilariously entertaining. Check out some of the best:
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That shade just tossed was piiitch black, son. Leave it to one of the underworld's leading destinations for porn to shamelessly bust a nut all over the recently violated Atlanta Falcons. Yes, in case you caved up and unplugged from civilization yesterday, the Atlanta Falcons blew a fat lead, losing to the Patriots in overtime. We're talking a record-smashing, history-making kind of comeback led by Tom Brady. Unfortunately, the post-game celebration was brutally interrupted by the cold, sobering realization that someone had lifted Tom Brady's game jersey. Eager to hear how that all pans out..
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Shoutout to the girlfriend in this cringe-coated, vibrating disasterpiece of a prank, for putting up with our Vlog Bro of the hour's antics. His mom definitely gets some chill points as well.
Pro Tip: driving with a pair of vibrating panties on is no joke, bro.
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It's very easy to say movies suck now, despite the fact that there are still plenty of good movies coming out, like Green Room.
Cracked breaks down why most movies make simple mistakes, but this really only applies to big-budget scifi movies. He wears glasses, which means "smart, but he's clearly not talking about Green Room, which is also smart.
Still there's some good criticism here, despite the fact that "movies," apparently, shouldn't apply to Green Room, a perfect movie.
Submitted by: (via Cracked)
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has a lot of battles to fight — Dippin' Dots, Daft Punk, all that gum. So why not give him a little reprieve and let someone else take over?
Has the president considered comedian Melissa McCarthy? Her audition on this week's SNL was certainly memorable, especially when she picked up the podium and attacked the Fake News with it.
Hire her. Now.
Submitted by: (via Saturday Night Live)
Everbody likes the Super Bowl. Children, adults, men, women, and even your English teacher. The Super Bowl is for everyone, even kings and queens.
And kings and queens throw wonderful Super Bowl parties. How do I know? Well, I've got photographic evidence!
Check out these photos of President Donald Trump, the reality-TV gameshow host, enjoying a sporting event just like a commoner. And look how much fun he and his close friends and family are having!
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So the Patriots won the Super Bowl, a sentence you've probably read countless times before.
As tired as we all are of reading the words "Patriots," "Tom Brady," "super," and "bowl," there's one person who ain't bored yet: Gisele Bündchen, Tom Brady's wife.
She was stoked. So stoked that she dropped her phone, despite the fact that she should probably just be kind of used to this already. Five Super Bowls? Come on, I'm not freaking out everytime I win a Super Bowl, and I'm Super Bowl-champion Joe Montana. Well, not really, but maybe! Nope.
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The safe word is: Data cap.
But you won’t be able to hear it because, ugh, Verizon is acting weird.
During the Super Bowl last night, T-Mobile unveiled their new Fifty Shades of Grey-themed commercial, which puts Verizon customer in the middle of a BDSM romance between her and her carrier. Kristen Schall's Verizon bill is so confusing that it causes her pain and sexual pleasure. Very sexy.
Verizon slammed back at T-Mobile on Twitter, tying them to the post, putting a ball gag in their mouth, and calmly stating that they have better speeds and coverage. Next thing you know, the two cell phone companies were at war, as T-Mobile’s mad CEO whipped Verizon back.
Check out the whole exchange between Verizon’s mysterious social media manager and a multi-millionaire. Who’s the sub and who’s the dom here?
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We are Bowling Green.
We as a nation are united with the victims of horrific attack on Bowling Green, KY at which the infamous Massacre that Kellyanne Conway made up took place.
During an interview with MSNBC last week, Kellyanne Conway reminded us of the horrific Bowling Green Massacre, a tragedy you don’t know about because it “wasn’t reported on” and also never happened.
Over the weekend, a nation still reeling from the loss of literally no one banded together to remember those that were never forgotten because they don’t exist. For one night, we, the United States of America were all Bowling Green. To the victims: We will not remember you. To the families: You are in our thoughts and prayers.
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The Super Bowl sets the stage for hugely funded, often sexualized commercials with companies spending millions and then some for control of the mic for a sweet, fleeting 30 seconds. These spots in particular resonated with us.
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The only reasonable outcome here is that somebody up and jacks this dude's ridiculously epic shed. I'm so jealous it's sending literal shots of pain down my spine right now.
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Here’s my impression of teens: “I think that adults are stupid and don’t understand emojis. They’ll never figure out that I’m using illegal drugs!”
Well, guess what, teens, we’re on to you. Because this Seattle Fox correspondent has cracked the code on your emoji drug operation. Call this video the Rosetta Stone because we know what you mean when you send you flower emojis or eyeball emojis. It means drugs and sex, respectively.
That’s right. We know what’s going on. And don’t try to act like this guy has no idea what he’s talking about and is just kind of winging it on air. He’s a man in a suit. I think he and the cyber experts down at Crime Lab HQ know what’s up.
Submitted by: (via @Bry_Nap)
The dude failed to capitalize on the fact that he created that crazy little thing called Tinder in such a way that he could be raaking it in right now; but hey, maybe when you've attained that level of success...the mere job title/verified status is all the sweet talk necessary for the right swipe.
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Almost nothing beats that revolutionary feeling you get when you discover something that comepletely changes the way you do something every day. When something comes along that changes your entire perspecitve of the world and takes away even that slightest bit of mundane repitition.
Well I guarantee you, these life hacks are neither of those things. These life hacks are so bad that, if you were to enact all of them, you would be reduced to a crying huddled mess in just days time.
So read on, and enjoy these abysmal life hacks.
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